Steps 5,6 and 10

[Depression = 72% of members]

I printed out and did steps 5, 6 and 10 with the self help tools as I don't currently have a therapist. I actually still find myself struggling with anger in my current relationship and I was wondering if I could apply those steps to that relationship?

[unicorn2014]

I printed out and did steps 5, 6 and 10 with the self help tools as I don't currently have a therapist. I actually still find myself struggling with anger in my current relationship and I was wondering if I could apply those steps to that relationship?

[Turkish]

Why not?

Have you seen this?

What are the ten anger styles?

[unicorn2014]

Why not?

Have you seen this?

What are the ten anger styles?

Ok it is not anger I feel in my relationship. I don't know where to go from here on this board with that subject so I will make sure I call for a therapist on Monday.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014,

Perhaps a so-called 'feeling wheel' can help you pinpoint your exact feelings, Woolspinner2000 has mentioned this tool a few times:

While there are several things I do, probably the most effective exercise for me to find self insight is when I pull out my list of 'feeling' words or particularly my 'feeling wheel' which has pretty colors and the words radiate outwards. When I don't know what is going on inside of me, I look over the words and can always pull out several that apply to that moment in time. Then I trace them back to the center and see what category they fall into. For example, if I'm feeling overwhelmed or confused or discouraged, on the wheel that I have they all lead to 'scared.' When I realize that I'm actually feeling scared, then I start asking myself what it is that I'm scared of, and that often leads me on into a self insight I didn't realize.  The more advanced list of feeling words expands greatly on both the categories and the words.

I remember when I posted about my own time of exaggerated feelings and you encouraged me to feel. I recognized something was not right because my reaction was far beyond the infraction. That's when I needed to pull out my feeling wheel to help me identify what was going on. Quite insightful that little exercise for it helped me to pinpoint much better the true source of my feelings

... .

An exercise my T gives me from time to time is to tell him what I'm feeling without using the main category word. In this case, anger is one of those main category words. Maybe you feel enraged, hostile, offended, resentful, inflamed, provoked, or boiling to name a few. Could any of these also apply: crushed, heartbroken, appalled? I might feel those things were I in your shoes... .Those feelings go back to 'hurt' as a main category.

I know you are in the thread the first quote comes from and you mentioned been given a color wheel by your former sponsor. Perhaps now is a good time to take a look at it again to help you sort out your feelings.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you . I do feel anger just not the kind listed in Turkish link. I also feel disappointed, betrayed, loss, sad, frustrated , tense , tired, resentment .

[Kwamina]

Thank you . I do feel anger just not the kind listed in Turkish link. I also feel disappointed, betrayed, loss, sad, frustrated , tense , tired, resentment .

In Woolspinner2000's second quote I listed in my previous post, she talks about an exercise in which you describe a feeling without using the main category word. Anger would be the main category word here, but if you were to try and explain the particular type of anger you are experiencing by using other words, what would those words be?

Do you perhaps feel that the words "disappointed, betrayed, loss, sad, frustrated, tense, tired, resentment" more accurately describe what you are feeling than the word "anger"?

Perhaps it can help to look at these feelings one at a time.

[unicorn2014]

Yes and I need to scratch loss and sadness off the list.

What step(s) could I use on disappointed, betrayed.

Actually I could add lost and confused to the list.

Then there's tired, tense, frustrated, resentful.

[Kwamina]

Yes and I need to scratch loss and sadness off the list.

Ok, so that leaves disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, tense, tired and resentment.

If we take the first two, who or what has left you feeling disappointed and/or betrayed?

Edit: Adding lost and confused!

[unicorn2014]

This isn't just dealing with coping and healing issues. I don't know if it's appropriate to talk about other issues here besides my parents and my ex in laws. That's why I'm hesitant to talk about my feelings here. I'm dealing with detaching , coparenting and parenting issues too.

[Kwamina]

I don't know if it's appropriate to talk about other issues here besides my parents and my ex in laws.

The focus on this board is indeed on people dealing with a BPD parent, sibling and/or inlaw.

Life however is often more complicated than that and people from a FOO with disordered individuals, might also find themselves dealing with disordered relationship partners in their adult life and/or with disordered children.

It can be hard to completely separate feelings when dealing with multiple issues. If you believe that your other issues are related to your coping & healing issues, then it is ok to discuss them here in relation to those coping & healing issues.

Do you perhaps feel that your coping & healing issues stemming from your FOO and ex inlaws are also influencing you now in other areas of your life? Like with your daughter and in other relationships?

[unicorn2014]

Absolutely . I feel totally abandoned by my parents. They don't even know my daughter is going to an intake appointment at a substance abuse program for youth next week. Nor do they care that this probate case has resulted in the loss of income for me. Nor do they care that I have to get a tooth extracted next week despite the fact they expected me to pity my mother for hers.

Then there's the resentment I feel for them abandoning me when I came back from americorps and forcing me to live with my ex.

The other issues around detachment are too big to touch right now but I can say I feel abandoned by them around that too. My father has a hands off policy when it comes to my relationships and that has really done me a disservice .

[Kwamina]

It seems that abandonment is at the root of the negative or difficult feelings you are experiencing. The past and present abandonment by your parents. It is tough when parents as a result of their disorder aren't really able to be parents. This forces children to raise themselves which of course is almost impossible, for how can a child be both child and parent at the same time? Now as adults we have the chance to be the parent to our inner-child that we never had growing up. Do you feel like the adult you has been able to reach out to your inner-child and be there for her?

When you look at your adult life and everything you have experienced in it, do you feel like you in some way might still be looking for the support of your parents? This could be directly looking for that support from your parents but also indirectly looking for it from other people in your adult life who would then in a way be a substitute for the love and support your parents were unable or unwilling to give.

You mentioned feeling frustrated, do you think part of this is related to you struggling with accepting that your parents are not able or willing to be the supportive parents you need(ed) and long(ed) for?

[Woolspinner2000]

  Hi Unicorn!

Thank you for being so honest and sharing your struggles. You are working on things where the rubber meets the road, and I can sense how hard this is for you. I'm so sorry. An extra hug for you. 

I'd like to second The Board Parrot's thoughts about posting here regarding this topic. I think it is relevant to us all in many ways for you illustrate how connections in your past and FOO have bled over into the current day struggles. I too experience this nearly everyday, although on occasion I get a break! It is mind wearying and so tiresome. But here, we explore and grow and share together.

First, let me encourage you to remember to be kind to yourself. It is exemplary that you want to figure out what is going on.  We live in a McDonald's mentality society as I like to call it, thinking that if we go through the drive thru lane, we will get the answers we seek right away. I know it can be so frustrating waiting to discover. I've been in T for 5 years now, and after about 2 or 3 years, I finally caught on to the fact that seeing the  just takes time. In the entire process though, you, yes YOU! are growing so much.   

I pulled out my feeling wheel and my list of feeling words to follow along with what you and Kwamina have shared already. I find frustrated listed under the "Helpless" category of feelings. Do you think that applies for you? And if so, what are the things that are causing you to feel helpless?

Keep going! 


Wools

[unicorn2014]

It seems that abandonment is at the root of the negative or difficult feelings you are experiencing. The past and present abandonment by your parents. It is tough when parents as a result of their disorder aren't really able to be parents. This forces children to raise themselves which of course is almost impossible, for how can a child be both child and parent at the same time? Now as adults we have the chance to be the parent to our inner-child that we never had growing up. Do you feel like the adult you has been able to reach out to your inner-child and be there for her?

When you look at your adult life and everything you have experienced in it, do you feel like you in some way might still be looking for the support of your parents? This could be directly looking for that support from your parents but also indirectly looking for it from other people in your adult life who would then in a way be a substitute for the love and support your parents were unable or unwilling to give.

You mentioned feeling frustrated, do you think part of this is related to you struggling with accepting that your parents are not able or willing to be the supportive parents you need(ed) and long(ed) for?

I think as a divorced mother with full custody I'm looking for a normal level of involvement from my parents and that's not happening. I don't think I'm looking for anything above and beyond the call of duty of parents of adult children or grandparents, however I get very little. I also don't think I'm looking for that support elsewhere. I just know I have less then most.

[unicorn2014]

 Hi Unicorn!

Thank you for being so honest and sharing your struggles. You are working on things where the rubber meets the road, and I can sense how hard this is for you. I'm so sorry. An extra hug for you. 

I'd like to second The Board Parrot's thoughts about posting here regarding this topic. I think it is relevant to us all in many ways for you illustrate how connections in your past and FOO have bled over into the current day struggles. I too experience this nearly everyday, although on occasion I get a break! It is mind wearying and so tiresome. But here, we explore and grow and share together.

First, let me encourage you to remember to be kind to yourself. It is exemplary that you want to figure out what is going on.  We live in a McDonald's mentality society as I like to call it, thinking that if we go through the drive thru lane, we will get the answers we seek right away. I know it can be so frustrating waiting to discover. I've been in T for 5 years now, and after about 2 or 3 years, I finally caught on to the fact that seeing the  just takes time. In the entire process though, you, yes YOU! are growing so much.   

I pulled out my feeling wheel and my list of feeling words to follow along with what you and Kwamina have shared already. I find frustrated listed under the "Helpless" category of feelings. Do you think that applies for you? And if so, what are the things that are causing you to feel helpless?

Keep going! 


Wools

I think right now what is frustrating me are relationship issues not relevant to this board along with the lack of parental support. My father's life long policy about my relationships has been hands off and that resulted in many mistakes on my part. He refuses to give advice or opinion even when i ask for it. I've had to figure out a very adult situation on my own, which I'm still figuring out. I don't ever want my daughter to have to go through what I went through when it comes to making decisions about relationships.