i do think those of us who broke things off, vs those of us who were left also have different (neither less challenging) implications for healing. those who break it off tend to suffer tremendous and overwhelming guilt, for example.
as to why you miss him, sure, a lot of it is chemical and psychological, but surely there were good qualities about him and/or the relationship. i say that not because i assume youd deny that, but that you illustrate very well, the battle between the head and the heart. some of us struggle with remembering too much of the good (recalling the bad can center and balance us), some of us are fixated on the bad as if there were no good (one need not focus so much on the good in this case, but mentally acknowledge it.) youre right: theres nothing wrong with you for feeling for someone who, on one hand you probably shared many intimate, loving, and vulnerable moments with, and on the other hand abused you and caused you great pain. it takes a lot of time to sort out.
have you had a chance to read this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fogim not sure if its entirely relevant, but it speaks to the loaded bond i think youre describing, and i think many of the dynamics in the article are relevant for those that broke it off.
