False belief of unworthiness

[mindbodysoul]

I have found that a sense of general unworthiness and then an unconscious (becoming more conscious) fear of abandonment and rejection leads me to a desire to not feel my feelings & to not feel capable sometimes to be responsible for my feelings and all of my actions. I experience this as being at the core of the issues that have made me susceptible to being with, staying with & not recognizing a borderline personality disorder partner.
Betrayal Bonds then keep me in the SWIRL... .
Has anyone else found this to be true for them?
What has helped you?
Thank you

[thrownforaloop]

Hey mindbodysoul,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling unworthy. A lot of what you said is relatable to me. From what I remember reading, I think a lot of the nons have lower self esteem and end up becoming a bit codependent with the BPD partner because of it. Perhaps we stayed with them because we felt they deserved more than we did?

But anyway, as for getting out of that... .My plan, at least, is to take a decent amount of time as a single person. I'm going to make sure I get through the ups and downs of grief, heal, make sure I'm emotionally healthy as well as taking the time to literally map out what I stand for and who I am at my core. With this, I can begin to trust my own judgement and feel worthy of a mature relationship. I didn't think my boundaries were important enough when I was with my exBPDw, so I let her plow right through them... .and that made me feel even worse about myself. Next relationship, I'll make the effort to put my foot down when things are important to me. And maybe when we are confident in ourselves, we won't have to hold onto someone who doesn't value us (which would get rid of worrying about abandonment).

We've got to remember to consciously fight against that deep feeling that we don't deserve good things or that our voice doesn't matter.

[gotbushels]

I have found that a sense of general unworthiness and then an unconscious (becoming more conscious) fear of abandonment and rejection leads me to a desire to not feel my feelings & to not feel capable sometimes to be responsible for my feelings and all of my actions. I experience this as being at the core of the issues that have made me susceptible to being with, staying with & not recognizing a borderline personality disorder partner.

This seems to me highly worthwhile and honest. Thank you for the sharing mindbodysoul 

Sometimes when we have been given feedback and responses that make us doubt and trust our feelings on a recurrent basis, we shy away from the feeling. Sometimes that feeling is closeness, that you seem to be addressing here.

I think in this period of healing for you, it's important to be conscious as thrownforaloop suggested (but perhaps not to necessarily fight our urges regarding closeness).

Perhaps it would help to keep the things--i.e., closeness, abandonment, rejection--that are distressing you as a basis for your work upon yourself.

Something that helped me was to have faith that there is a normal set of feelings that result from sets of circumstances. Some of those feelings are pleasant, some are unpleasant--the idea seems to be to think clearly about them instead of saying things like, "Oh this one relationship was terrible → "love" was the adjective used by said ex everyday → therefore "love" causes me abandonment and rejection." I've simplified there but you get the idea.

Betrayal Bonds then keep me in the SWIRL... .

Interesting description you used, "SWIRL". That's often very much what it seems to be.

Something that helped me through this work was keeping mindful while I was going through the process of accepting. A simple part of mindfulness here can be taking some quiet time, breathing, noticing your questions, then taking your time to ask why you feel that way. You may take that in addition to what Skip mentions here:

How Do We Do This?

By paying attention to ourselves in real time. There are books written about this, but the short answer is to paying attention to yourself, observe yourself in a purposeful, in the present moment, and without immediately overlaying the old filters on the situation.

The last part would probably be most helpful to you here.

[gotbushels]

Perhaps we stayed with them because we felt they deserved more than we did?

I said this almost word-for-word in my healing. I was explaining to a third party that part of me wanted to give ex a better life because my life seemed highly unsatisfactory at the time. From there I started noticing this is other areas of my life and working at it.

But anyway, as for getting out of that... .My plan, at least, is to take a decent amount of time as a single person.

This helped me a lot. The alone time really did wonders for me. I support you 

We've got to remember to consciously fight against that deep feeling that we don't deserve good things or that our voice doesn't matter.

Yes!

[mindbodysoul]

Betrayal Bonds then keep me in the SWIRL... .

Interesting description you used, "SWIRL". That's often very much what it seems to be.

Thank you everyone for your great comments.

Author Susan Anderson uses / adapts the five phases of grief in the Kübler-Ross model to abandonment. Her framework describing abandonment recovery breaks it down into five phases: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage and Lifting (SWIRL).[7] The acronym is designed to depict the cyclonic nature of the grief.
Her Book on Abandonment to Healing is OUTSTANDING!
It is also available on audio/audible on Amazon.

[Ahoy]

Betrayal Bonds then keep me in the SWIRL... .

Interesting description you used, "SWIRL". That's often very much what it seems to be.

Thank you everyone for your great comments.

Author Susan Anderson uses / adapts the five phases of grief in the Kübler-Ross model to abandonment. Her framework describing abandonment recovery breaks it down into five phases: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage and Lifting (SWIRL).[7] The acronym is designed to depict the cyclonic nature of the grief.
Her Book on Abandonment to Healing is OUTSTANDING!
It is also available on audio/audible on Amazon.

Reading this book when my separation was fresh was immensely beneficial to me. Simply mapping out and explaining the shattering stage really helped me understand why I felt the way I did.

I also recommend the book 'betrayal bonds' which helps us understand why we stay so connected to our ex's long past separation.