First post

[radpad3210]

I've ended up here looking for support. My marriage may well be over, but I want to keep trying. In an attempt to avoid the wrath I stupidly lied, a huge mistake in a loving relationship, and among the worst ways to deal with a BPD. But probably the most common. How do I deal with my betrayal, which it was, I reacted to her issues, but I reacted badly. Yet I must find a way to deal with her problem.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi radpad3210 and

im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you have reached out for support; youll find you are in good company. how long have you been married? it sounds like you consider your marriage worth fighting for.

i told a pretty big lie myself, that involved a betrayal, and in my experience, validation is really your friend right now. it will take time, effort, and listening with empathy to rebuild trust.

now that youre here, would you like to share some more of your story? has either party suggested the relationship is over?

[Mutt]

Hi radpad3210,



I'd like to join once removed and welcome you. Don't be hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes in r/s's with a disordered or non-disordered partner. Can you fill us in on what happened? Maybe we can help.

[radpad3210]

Details, 66500 characters won't do.
Before I start what may seem like a laundry list of bad things about her, let me say, I know I have problems. My communication skills suck, I fall easily into victimization, and I will do just about anything to avoid confrontation.
For this post maybe more of a general overview, and enough details to give some context to the current situation, the lie.
 We've been married 20+ years; one child, college age; I'm a seasonal worker, semiretired; she doesn't work; she self medicates w/an illegal (depending on the state) drug. Our relationship has been bombastic since the very beginning. Coming from a home where my father may very well have been BPD (who knew 40 years ago), it seemed somewhat normal. Screaming, yelling, blaming, it's just the way things go, right.
We've been to multiple marriage counselors over the years. Two of them in private, after she had stormed out of sessions, flat out told me to leave her (along with 2 pastors, 2 bosses); a BPD diagnosis was above their pay grade. Around 5 years ago we saw a counselor both jointly and individually. At that time she was also receiving help with her addiction. The counselor told me to read Stop Walking on Eggshells, finally a name for what I was living through. She helped me a lot with my understanding and skills to deal with things. Unfortunately my wife decided her addiction was not really an addiction and stopped working on it. Her refusal to get help resulted in our counselor ending our therapy. From that point on it was no longer to be discussed as a problem.
Moving forward, I've avoided the topic of the non problem. Of course we have others, including occassionally financial, but of course we can't discuss our single biggest monthly cost, because it's not a problem. As I said I work seasonally, a few months, 60+ hours a week; half the year a day or two a week . This year, I wasn't needed the day or two, they'd call when I was needed. I let her know my hours were reduced, but I got no calls. I kept going "to work" once a week or so anyway. Last week she runs into to my manager, "haven't seen ___ in weeks, how's he doing? Should have some work for him in the next couple weeks." Poop hits fan.
Anyone writing a book on how not to deal with a BPD, feel free to use.

[Mutt]

Hi radpad3210,

That's a tough position to be in when a partner refuses to acknowledge drug dependency. Have you tried setting boundaries?

[radpad3210]

I've just started counseling again, Skype version, hey the insurance covers it. The wife is thrilled I'm seeking help for my problems, that maybe this time maybe they'll get to the root of what's wrong with me.
So 10 minutes into first session and we're discussing setting boundaries and what a great resource this site is. So yes I guess I've now considered setting them.