Top Ten Red Flags

[Depression = 72% of members]

just to update:

ties are being broken, and some categories that were behind have now replaced others in the top ten, like employment issues, dishonesty, troubled friendships (categories not yet clearly designated) while categories like self harm, history of abuse, and promiscuity are starting to fall behind. we are very close to a clear top ten now.

[once removed]

just to update:

ties are being broken, and some categories that were behind have now replaced others in the top ten, like employment issues, dishonesty, troubled friendships (categories not yet clearly designated) while categories like self harm, history of abuse, and promiscuity are starting to fall behind. we are very close to a clear top ten now.

[SummerStorm]

I want to add another one to my list - double standards. Applying one standard to your partner (often a ridiculously high standard), but not holding yourself to it.

My ex, for example, got upset and suspicious if he thought I wasn't telling him enough (even if I'd given him every single detail of my day) but my own "How are you?" and "What did you do today?" would just get responses like "OK" and "Not much." He kept a lot hidden from me (I only discovered at the end just how much, and there's probably stuff I still don't know) while he would go into rages at me over imagined evasions and deceit.

My former friend BPD hid so much from me. It's actually kind of scary how much she hid from me.  She really did live two completely separate lives: one with me and one with her now ex-boyfriend. 

[13YearGoodbye]

My red flags... .

1- Someone that needs to be rescued! (I'm done being a knight in shining armor.)
2- Has young kids at home. (I already raised too many families.)
3- Needs to be rescued and has kids at home! Triple Bonus red flag.
4- Shifts responsibility away from self and onto others.
5- Inability to be self introspective.
6- Gaslighting.
7- Lack of emotional intimacy.
8- Unstable memories
9- B___ing

The above was posted before reading the other responses. I'd like to add:

10- Complex FOO Issues

[Hidden]

I hope you don't mind a personal comment, but I'm not... .really liking the slut-shaming I see here. "Sexually promiscuous" being a red flag/inherently bad trait does not sit well with me. How does one define this, either way? Some think having slept with more than 3 people is, some think having slept with one before 18 is, some think anyone before marriage not being a virgin is.

Mind you, I'm not personally offended, I've only slept with one person in my late 20's. I'm just personally very much against judging people over their sexual history or lack thereof.

Unless that involves cheating. That's a whole different matter... .

[steelwork]

Here are some general red flags I'd extrapolate from my experience -- things you might see early on in the relationship.

1. Excessive flattery.
2. Trying to the move relationship forward too fast.
3. Dissociating/spacing out/panic attacks in moments of intimacy.
4. Avoidance of uncomfortable subjects: silence or deflection or anger.
5. Reckless/impulsive behavior.
6. Harsh attitude toward exes. Lack of acceptance of blame in past relationships.
7. Uncanny similarities between you in terms of tastes, experiences, values -- "We were made for each other."
8. Lack of consistent values -- for instance, "I was living a lie"-type statements to explain inconsistencies re. #7.
9. Putting a lot of emphasis on what you do for others (i.e. you are so "understanding" "loyal" etc).
10. Lack of close friends.

[RighteousAnger]

I hope you don't mind a personal comment, but I'm not... .really liking the slut-shaming I see here. "Sexually promiscuous" being a red flag/inherently bad trait does not sit well with me. How does one define this, either way? Some think having slept with more than 3 people is, some think having slept with one before 18 is, some think anyone before marriage not being a virgin is.

Mind you, I'm not personally offended, I've only slept with one person in my late 20's. I'm just personally very much against judging people over their sexual history or lack thereof.

Unless that involves cheating. That's a whole different matter... .

I totally agree with you here. Sexually promiscuous does not in itself = bad person. In fact, personally I prefer a woman who knows what she is doing and that typically comes from experience. However, I think sexually promiscuous keeps coming up because that tends to be fairly common in pwBPD and since most people on here are involved with or were recently involved with a pwBPD, if it wasn't a red flag before it is now due to that person. Anyway, here are my top 10 red flags:

1) Dishonesty/Lying/Omittance (of course these ones are hard to see early on in relationships)
2) Always the VICTIM when describing past relationships (exs, friends, family)
3) DRUG/Alcohol addiction (or if not an addict, a habit of BINGE Drinking on a fairly regular basis)
4) Employment issues (history of... .has never held a job down for long)
5) Still Living at Home with parents/a parent (kinda relates to #4)
6) Jealousy
7) Excessive cursing (just shows a general lack of education IMO)
8) Lack of same sex friends accompanied with an abundance of opposite sex friends
9) Selfish inconsiderate behavior
10) Not good/friendly with children (I have a 5 year old, obviously this is a big one for me)

[HurtinNW]

Mine:

1. Self-pity
2. History of superficial or transitory relationships
3. Lack of personal accountability
4. Anger or rage problems
5. Unrecognized or unresolved trauma issues. I'm fine with mental health issues if they are being treated. 
6. Immature and childish behavior
7. Lack of personal ambition to better oneself
8. Loving pets more than people, or things more than people
9. Dishonesty, lying, cheating
10. Passive aggressive, including chronic flakiness and tardiness as well as baiting and poking people. This is a big one for me, because that kind of poison is nasty to be around, and I don't want it around my kids.

[drained1996]

10. Push/pull behaviour. This would actually be the #1  Red Flag for me. If I ever see this crap again, I'm out. I will never again tolerate being a god one minute and a devil the next because of some unknown mystical reason. I will only be with someone who can view me as a whole person, take into account all of my past actions, deeds and words and form an overarching opinion about me based on that instead if what they're feeling moment to moment. CAN'T STAND IT! 

By Lostghost I think.  I'd vote this one #1 as well

[Rayban]

Might be a little late, but here is my list of top 10


1. Too fast too quick, moving in, talking about marriage and kids within the first few weeks of the R/S
2. Impulsive and self destructive behaviors mine Drinking smoking weed, excessive spending Reckless driving
3. Attention addict needed it from multiple sources
4. Abusive past exes
5. Loved her dad, felt like she was competing with her mom. Would do word date like activities with him.
6. Still in contact with Exes including meeting up with them
7. Victim mentality again mostly for attention purposes
8. Felt entitled, and dream of a millionaire lifestyle, with no plans on how to achieve this
9. zero responsibility, everything is always someone else s fault 
10. Asked me on our first date what I would do If she were crazy ... .yikes I though she was kidding

[Peterpan]

 pursued and stalked, I took it that he was shy

Very touchy and very in my personal space, territorial , felt like a bodyguard.

Extremely jealous of anyone else giving me attention.

Hinted at his interest but never said anything, just overboard hints.

Stared and copied my body language ( admitted it later)

Talked as though he'd known me all his life as soon as we first kissed.

Dyslexic but wrote full texts like Shakespeare,  overboard language ' you are a goddess, a beautiful angel, a perfect being's

Sometimes very childish, tickling, poking, language changes ' I wuv  woo' or ' love love love you'  

Contradictions and/ or repeating other people's sentences, statements

Inappropriately sexually aroused at the wrong times,  appeared teenage like during the act, odd for two long term marriages

Enjoyed pitting me against other women.

Would calm down/ back off with apparent interest but pull back if I was nonchalant.

Put his wife and ex wife down, both ' mad b___es'

Nothing was ever his fault, everyone else created reasons why he couldn't see me.

Always saying I was stunning, couldn't understand why I wanted him, looked for validation constantly.

Always busy busy, but never could explain doing:what. Always running about town but had no friends to speak of.

I felt confused and counter his intentions most of the time, either all or nothing... .then it paled into plodding on a new being taken for granted.

That's 17 and still counting.

[Hopefulgirl]

-Telling me on second date that he had been arrested for disorderly conduct and put in jail and no one had bailed him out.

-only watching tv shows that he had watched when he was,like, ten.

-Parents would get the silent treatment for months over a trite comment

-All exes were crazy emotionally abusive b___es

-Realizing that he was only super affectionate and communicating well at the times when his "ex" girlfriend was on vacation.

-Not enough money for electric bill but getting loans for pot.

-Either wearing clothes that a twelve year old would wear, or preferably naked.

-Feeling empathy for aquaintances but none for anyone close to them, especially if they cry.

-Forgetting dates then getting annoyed for being reminded.

-Saying that Im the only person who has ever really understood him

[Raspberry]

Unable to work
Sending me cards telling me he loved me after only a few weeks
Intense expression of infatuation
Never had a girlf before
Past hospital admission
Sometimes reverting to childish language
Talk of living together in the first few weeks
Excessive flattery
Delusional

[seenr]

Here goes:

In no particular order

1 - Gun to the head (We either move in together or we split, we get engaged or we split)
2 - Violence - hit me, hit her daughter, broke down a door to get into the room I was in, tried to break the window of my car
3 - Personal space - dialled into my voicemail & also that of at least two exes I know, monitored my twitter account (this is public I know but used to quote my tweets to me in arguments)
4 - Repeating back things I had trusted her with (eg about being sexually abused as a child)
5 - Boredom, when she would be bored & tell me I was boring
6 - Looking on the not so bright side - if I did 9 good things in a day I'd be told about the 1 I didn't do
7 - No gratitude at all.
8 - Financially unstable. If I have her 5000 euro, she would spend it, with very little to show for it and she'd say 'live for today'. That's fine, we could all be dead tomorrow, but I want my Son to have a head start in life, so squandering everything now, no way that's not me.
9 - Telling me how I think. I'd come home from work and give her & son a kiss. I'd walk around smiling & then hear 'why are you in a bad mood'. I found this so hard to deal with.
10 - Family issues. At the start, disliked her Mum, was estranged from two sisters, told me her brother was not a nice person (he is one of the nicest people I've ever met) said her Dad was violent & abusive. At the start she liked my family, but this all disappeared 7-8 months in, she began to say horrible things about them. Then I got to hear how one by one she hated all her ex husband's family too but suddenly liked them when her & I broke up.

I was lucky that promiscuity was never an issue, but in times we were apart, her behaviour was questionable.

Looking at it all now, a mess.

[kentavr3]

everything above + using judicial system (restraining orders).
Any kind of provocations. Especially provocation of violence.
narcissism behavioral. Doing thing behind your back. Pushing against each other.

[Peterpan]

1.     Contradictions, sometimes within a few hours

2.     Immature behaviour, tickling, poking, immature texting... .' wuv woo'

3.     Early manipulation ' tells'... ." I think you're a patient person" conditioning.

4.     Overly territorial... .always had to have body contact even before the r/s

5.     Stalking and snooping... .followed me everywhere, wasn't through my phone ( even before r/s

6.      Talked about finances too early, stood back to let me pay on first day out even though he invited me.

7.       Caught him in silly lies, needless ones.

8.        Told me I was a goddess, too good for him, fished for compliments, told me he was insecure, that conditioned me to explain away the lies.

9.        Severe memory loss, confused me with other women... .a lot.

10.     Once hooked got complacent, back and forth in behaviour, would go back to love bombing if I hinted it was going nowhere.

Most of these were before the relationship started, he'd pursued me for months but mostly spent that time subtly pushing me to do the actual talking. There were lots more tells afterwards, he had someone else lined up as well whom he triangulated with. He also spoke about his ex wife's bad points, they're been divorced over 20 years and he was now with wife 2.

All those red flags and I saw them by ignored them all under the guise that he was insecure. Why didn't I listen to my gut?

[earlgrey]

don't know if these are necessarily    but they are unusual (from my experience) and make me now ask questions... .it is also stuff from early days when things were 'good', before the real nitty gritty started:

1. every time she walked passed a mirror she would pull a 'beautiful' face to lessen whatever... .

2. photo time she would snuggle up to me and pose the happy couple

3. little girl voice and behaviour in certain times of couple difficulty, waif/pleaser to strangers (me too early days) with girlie voice

4. strange come and go pains ailments
 
5. cold distant tough on D8 at the time

6. flip to 'objectionable' character type on me talking to female friend

7. exhibitionism

8. talks (gossip stuff) with overly dramatic facials and verbals

9. sleep on far side of bed at edge facing out - regularly

10. occasional silent treatment

These were not deal breakers, and had it stayed limited to these kind of behaviours, it could have worked... .but these I guess were some kinds of mini signals to bigger underlying issues.

[fromheeltoheal]

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