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Author Topic: Top Ten Red Flags  (Read 7649 times)
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #30 on: November 13, 2015, 08:31:12 AM »

Terrific list so far!  Very Helpful to see the consensus.  Thanks, once removed.  LJ
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« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2015, 08:52:26 AM »

Once removed, thanks for putting this list together. I think I will take the eventual Top 10 and convert it into a questionnaire to give to potential future girlfriends prior to the first date. Things will be better that way.
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« Reply #32 on: November 13, 2015, 08:59:40 AM »

Great work guys!

Whenever I read these "100 signs of ______" I know that the author doesn't really know what they are saying.

This list is a good one - focused - not loaded secondary and tertiary items that would qualify just about anyone.
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« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2015, 10:04:50 AM »

- Unresolved issues with ex partners ie still messaging them or meeting up.

- Contradictory words compared to actions.

- A complete inability to appreciate current partners feelings or fears ie why it's not acceptable to meet with an ex who is still in love with her and go for drinks with him.

- Black and White thinking. Someone being the absolute worst one week and the week after the most funny and nicest.

- Mood changes due to the slightest of things that can spiral into arguments.

- Self sabotaging behaviour on holiday or other excursions usually overnight stays.

- Deluded feelings of jealously with no basis whatsoever.

- Victim complex in general with friends, co-workers and even family.

- Broaching subjects like moving in together, marriage and having kids within a few months or even just weeks.

- Continuous Breakup/Makeup cycles

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« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2015, 10:26:07 AM »

I'll pitch a list, not in any particular order and a few more than 10.  I could add more but I'll stop here.  Some of these can be picked up almost immediately, some as the relationship progresses through initial stages.

  • Too much, Too fast:  Within first month ... .meet parents, talk of marriage/kids/house, fast physical relationship, needs to be in constant contact, sharing of too much personal history
  • Unstable Emotions:  Wild mood swings, immature and/or inappropriate emotions/actions for situation
  • Dishonesty & Deception:  Lies, changes history to suit their needs, leaves out pertinent details to mislead
  • Threats & Ultimatums:  If you don't do this, I'll do something
  • Orbiters:  People in their "orbit" (including exs) that are available for whatever
  • Unstable Self-image:  Vain, obsessed with appearance, frequently dresses to kill, think they are ugly/bad/evil
  • Substance Abuse:  Abusive use of mood altering substances.
  • Lives to Party:  Frequents clubs, bars, etc... .
  • Manipulative & Vindictive:  Covert or direct. This is also contained within threats & ultimatums.
  • Self-centered/Self-absorbed:  Too wrapped up in their own problems, consistently put themselves before partner.
  • Inability to Empathize:  Related to the above, but specifically speaks to inability to see/care/respect partners emotions
  • Poor Communication Skills:  Specifically with respect to relationship issues. Listens but doesn't hear.
  • Perpetual Victim:  Speaks for itself
  • Flexible Boundaries & Definitions:  Willing to move/cross boundaries and redefine the meaning of specific things to meet their needs (infidelity is biggest one).
  • Poor Self Control:  Anger, frustration, impatient, impulsive. Needs must be met now without thought of consequences
  • Black & White Thinking:  Inability to see/understand many life issues exist in the grey area.
  • Projection:  Speaks to accountability and responsibility for own actions and self-doubt/trust.  Projects problems and personal insecurities onto someone or something, nothing is ever their fault, always has an excuse.
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greenmonkey
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« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2015, 10:38:08 AM »

Here are mine.

* Walking out on your own child for someone you had barely known for two minutes and met online
* Moving on a regular basis
* Unable to cope with day to day life - admin, bills etc
* Not finishing a relationship before starting the next one
* Always always being the victim - never taking any responsibility for how your life works out.
* Pathological Lying
* Secretive
* Manipulative - using your child as a weapon.
* Silent treatment and tantrums
* Self sabotaging on a continual basis and then twisting the blame
* No friends apart from randoms on Facebook
* Addicted to taking selfies and posting on FB
* Bad hygiene, total lack of cleanliness
* Hoarding
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MSNYC
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« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2015, 04:57:33 PM »

1) Heavy alcohol and drug use
2) Inconsistent descriptions of past relationships
3) All exes were crazy/uncaring
4) Tons and tons of sex
5) Irresponsible spending habits
6) "All my friends are in love with me"
7) "All my friends are using me for ___"
8) Always partying
9) Minimal/avoidant relationship with children
10) Not one ex is so much as FB friends with them
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« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2015, 04:59:17 PM »

I would like to add this one with great caution/a caveat.

11) Relationships with sex workers/strippers

My caveat is that I do not wish to demean sex workers or strippers, or the relationships they have - which are as real as anyone's. But people who consistently date girls they meet at a club? As a pattern? I think there's something there to be very skeptical of.
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« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2015, 06:20:50 PM »

Yet another glimpse into the past 4 months of my life!
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« Reply #39 on: November 13, 2015, 06:24:58 PM »

1 self harm
2 exes were abusive
3 parents were abusive
4 always the victim
5 love yous within the first month
6 unstable relationship and job history
7 no friends
8 constantly on Facebook or social media
9 lazy
10 manipulation
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« Reply #40 on: November 13, 2015, 07:45:27 PM »

Here are mine:

-Extremely ambivalent relationship with mother.
-Estranged from family members due to drama/fights.
-Ambivalent relationships with other friends.
-Unrealistic view of self (abilities, talents, personality).
-Financial/debt problems.
-Inconsistent employment.
-Rush for commitment/early talk of marriage.
-A chameleon-like ability to blend in with people.
-Inability to solve relationship problems with conversation.
-Talking excessively of exes, including unresolved feelings.
-Inability to tolerate criticism.
-Expressing strong desire for revenge, even on people who are no longer part of their lives.
-History of alleged victimization.
-Sleep problems and nightmares.
-Unclear whether they were the dumper or dumpee in past relationships.

I guess I should wrap it up, huh?  On a personal note, the two that I wish I had paid more attention two were 1) the fact that he got engaged to a woman he talked to on the Internet for 10 days and had never seen in person and 2) later expressed a desire to kill her for "abandoning" him, or "engulfing" him, depending on which day you asked.

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« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2015, 08:21:29 PM »

i appreciate everyones participation but i need to reiterate that our goal here is a collective list of general (and personal) relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of red flags about our former BPD partners.
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« Reply #42 on: November 14, 2015, 07:00:42 AM »

Great list.
Recognised plenty of those in others, and a few in myself.

I reckon the 'double standards' one needs to be in the top 10. It might not be so immediately visible but it's very dangerous as this person might use it to justify all kinds of treachery and abuse.

I would add:

Anybody who is so determined to win an argument or have the last word, that they will think nothing of screaming at the very top of their voice, right in your face, relentlessly until you back down and admit you're wrong.

Use of mystical or magical thinking to justify behaviour, like "I knew you in a former life", "we were put on this earth to be together" - especially if voiced early on.

Making Up For justifications : Any sense of entitlement based on a perceived lack in the past, e.g.
"My parents rejected me so you can't do that - I won't be able to take it!"
"I need money spending on me because I grew up poor"
(Either voiced or implied)

Is able to rage at you, call you every name under the sun. Then two minutes later puts on a pleading little voice in order to ask a favour.
 
Dramatic need often arises when you're apart:
If you're enjoying time alone or with other friends,  suddenly you get a tearful call or series of increasingly frantic texts. Something Has Gone Wrong and you need to rush back and fix it.
Of course things can and do go wrong, but in future I will treat any PATTERN of such behaviour as a big red flag.

Spewing a monologue or stream of consciousness:
The person regularly comes in the door and brings forth a monologue covering every detail about their day: what they ate for lunch, who said what to whom, normally lots of moaning and complaints.
You don't really have time to get a word in, but feel obliged to tut and sigh in all the right places.
Most of us like to talk about our lives to some extent, but for me the monologue is a bit too selfish.
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« Reply #43 on: November 14, 2015, 08:44:22 AM »

i appreciate everyones participation but i need to reiterate that our goal here is a collective list of general (and personal) relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of red flags about our former BPD partners.

It's funny, reading through these lists, it seems that many people's items seem specific our about their particular situation, yet I find myself relating to SO many of them. Perhaps what's great about this thread is that people ARE being specific - there are so many of those overly vague/generalized lists of red flags out there, it's nice and validating to see the nitty gritty.
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WhatJustHappened?
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« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2015, 09:26:44 AM »

I identify with everyone's  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Did we discuss mysterious health problems and hospital stays? Sorry, I didn't read every page yet.

My koo koo bird had:

1.) Very few close friends  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
2.) Poor relationship with Mom and family  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
3.) Unemployed  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
4.) Multiple unsubstantiated health problems/hospital admissions  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
5.) An Oxy problem  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
6.) Temper  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
7.) Drama-loving  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
8.) Inability to complete simple tasks  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
9.) I had to walk on eggshells  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
10.) Fixated on everything sex  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
11.) Lying... .oh, did I mention lying?  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
12.) Victim mentality  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
13.) Too intense, too quick  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
14.) Did I mention lying?  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #45 on: November 14, 2015, 09:28:48 AM »

i appreciate everyones participation but i need to reiterate that our goal here is a collective list of general (and personal) relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of red flags about our former BPD partners.

It's funny, reading through these lists, it seems that many people's items seem specific our about their particular situation, yet I find myself relating to SO many of them. Perhaps what's great about this thread is that people ARE being specific - there are so many of those overly vague/generalized lists of red flags out there, it's nice and validating to see the nitty gritty.

specifics are great - they really helped separate into categories. im happy everyone has kept their list to ten (or a couple more) because a vague list of 100 "red flags" is precisely what is trying to be avoided. there is no shortage of lists on this board of the red flags we saw/ignored in our BPD relationship. imagine if you had a little brother or sister, or young family friend who came to you and asked what wisdom you had to offer about the dating world, what to watch out for. you wouldnt just tell them about your ex.

when the list is completed, it will make for a lot of examination and further conversation. im trying to avoid getting ahead of that, but we are close Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #46 on: November 14, 2015, 10:00:05 AM »

Thought of another one.  May not be very common, but might be visible early on:

Pathologising competence, proactivity, or joy in others.
Frequent comments like... .
   "Look at Mr & Mrs we're-so-perfect"
   "Those sporty show-offs.  Can't they go and show off somewhere else"
   "You so get off on spending time with them"
   "That hobby is soo geeky! Why don't they just drink beer / eat cake / watch TV like normal people"

Of course, there CAN sometimes be truth in observations like this, and I'm not suggesting to turn a blind eye to obviously narcissistic behaviour.

But I have occasionally seen a person have a whole attitude of finding problems with other people's motives. One might think that to be a good person in their eyes you need to mope around with a big badge that reads CRIPPLED BY LIFE.
Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I really would watch out for anyone with this kind of attitude. They might gladly discourage you from having any kind of ambition, vision or self-actualising tendency.
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« Reply #47 on: November 14, 2015, 12:09:42 PM »

this list may need to be expanded to a top 15. we have a pretty clear top six, and then about 9 other categories roughly tied, each as good as the other. still more time to add your list!
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #48 on: November 15, 2015, 05:12:56 AM »


Did we discuss mysterious health problems and hospital stays? Sorry, I didn't read every page yet.

I don't think that was mentioned but in violation of Once Removed's code I identify with that one. Huge cough attacks and every now and then "I've been in hospital all night".

Another red flag, and this does not correspond with my ex, is extroverted and narcissistic FB profiles. Like I said above the typical gothic rag dolls. Scantily clad, nude, "tastefully" dishevelled looks, endless photos of themselves and perhaps the biggest social media red flag of them all, the "take me as I am" memes. Often coupled with pictures of sunrise/sunset, butterflies (butterflies is a MASSIVE red flag IMO). Also if they are OTT animal rights harping on about animal cruelty every 5 minutes.

Not sure how to label the above. Narcissistic or histrionic social media profiles/behaviours perhaps.
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« Reply #49 on: November 15, 2015, 05:39:12 AM »

Is it common for a BPD to lie about beeing in hospital?
Well "mine" did, he got a concussion he said... He asked for understanding and patience by text, during a one month long silent treatment( he did however remeber my birthday during his silence   )
He is always complaining about problem with his belly and his head.
And that he have no energy... .  Attention(click to insert in post)
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juniorswailing
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« Reply #50 on: November 15, 2015, 05:48:27 AM »

My g/f constantly has things wrong with her.

Head, neck, shoulder, arms, wrists, thumb, back, side, hips, feet.

Never a day goes by without something being in pain although, now that we have agreed to split she seems to be a whole lot better.
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« Reply #51 on: November 15, 2015, 06:03:32 AM »

 red-flagAnother red flag for me was that he asked me often - why do you want to be with me? What do you see in me?
i have no money, im old... .
He also said that i am to beautiful for him, and that i should go to Hollywood because i looked like an angel...
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« Reply #52 on: November 15, 2015, 08:04:01 AM »

1. Lying - including lying about trivial things that would otherwise merit a What the heck?   
2. Splitting - "hating" people over trivial reasons
3. Dysphoric Rage - anger totally inconsistent with what triggered it
4. FOO issues - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... .
5. Lots of absolutes when triggered: Everyone/Nobody, Always/Never, Everything/Nothing
6. Hypersensitivity to perceived criticism.  btw, this progressed to the point that any disagreement was taken as a mortal assault to her soul.  Disagreeing quickly became "you never take my side", "you always support others against me" - see #5 above for the absolutes... .
7. Lack of long term friendships
8. Feeling "empty"
9. Unhappy, but indecisive to change: "I don't want to go there"  "OK - where would you like to go?" "Somewhere else"  "Where would that be?"  "Somewhere else"   "OK - how do we get to Somewhere else?"
This circuitous discussion could go on for hours if I'd play along - applied to vacations, even just going to dinner. Could go hours and she would never suggest a valid option. In the end whatever was decided was "my" idea, and not what she wanted.  Because she wanted "something else"... . 
10. FOO issues (merits a second entry). 
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #53 on: November 15, 2015, 08:48:29 AM »

1. Lying - including lying about trivial things that would otherwise merit a What the heck? 

YES!  She would lie about things that were very silly to lie about.  She once helped make some masks for a dance, and when a co-worker she didn't even like told her she should stop by the dance to see the kids wearing them, she made up this story about how she was getting a root canal done that day.  I thought, "Why not just say that you are busy that day and leave it at that? 

4. FOO issues - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... .

Mom has been married 5 times and seems to enable some of my former friend's behaviors.  Once, my former friend was telling a story and said, "My mom and I had a falling out and weren't speaking at the time."  She painted her dad black, changed her phone number, and then texted her mom a plan for how she would go about killing her dad.   She doesn't seem to have any issues with her stepdad.

5. Lots of absolutes when triggered: Everyone/Nobody, Always/Never, Everything/Nothing

"Everyone always leaves me."  "You never ask me to go places with you."

8. Feeling "empty"

She said this to me so many times.
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« Reply #54 on: November 15, 2015, 01:28:23 PM »

this list may need to be expanded to a top 15. we have a pretty clear top six, and then about 9 other categories roughly tied, each as good as the other. still more time to add your list!

Maybe consider having 1 list that includes universal red flags that apply to almost all pwBPD, and then flags #7+ could be split between those that apply to pwBPD who tend to "act out", and then a second list of #7+ that apply to those that primarily "act in?"

It just seems to me that the coping mechanisms of waifs/hermits are often times completely different from witches/queens, such that the behaviors and resulting red flags would be very different. Just my two cents.
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« Reply #55 on: November 15, 2015, 07:17:08 PM »

1. extreme inappropriate rage
2. any cheating in her past or with you
3. dishonesty
4. not admitting to mistakes even when you catch her red handed
5. sense of entitlement
6. depression for no apparent reason
7. "you can't handle me"
8. "are you sure you want to be with someone as troubled as me?"
9. extreme desire to be touched and held (shows was not during childhood which spurred the BPD)
10. changing careers often
11. push/pull behavior
12. distancing
13. nothing ever good enough
14. history of troubled relationships
15. only respects people who dont treat her well
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« Reply #56 on: November 16, 2015, 05:50:30 PM »

I want to add another one to my list - double standards. Applying one standard to your partner (often a ridiculously high standard), but not holding yourself to it.

My ex, for example, got upset and suspicious if he thought I wasn't telling him enough (even if I'd given him every single detail of my day) but my own "How are you?" and "What did you do today?" would just get responses like "OK" and "Not much." He kept a lot hidden from me (I only discovered at the end just how much, and there's probably stuff I still don't know) while he would go into rages at me over imagined evasions and deceit.
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« Reply #57 on: November 16, 2015, 08:01:14 PM »

I want to add another one to my list - double standards. Applying one standard to your partner (often a ridiculously high standard), but not holding yourself to it.


I'd second this.  I had kind of forgotten about it, but so true.
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« Reply #58 on: November 16, 2015, 09:44:27 PM »

ill third it! double standards drive me nuts and im very self conscious about not applying them myself. they sort of came to define my relationship with my ex. theres a couple (like 2) votes for double standards; seems to me it may fit under "emotionally immature communicator". what do yall think?
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« Reply #59 on: November 16, 2015, 09:52:53 PM »

I'll add a vote for double standards.  It would probably fall under Flexible Boundaries & Definitions from my list.

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