Top Ten Red Flags

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 

i was recently reading through this thread: "Red Flags" and how to choose healthier partners

its a good discussion. its a lot of discussion at 24 pages. if you google something like "relationship red flags" youll see hundreds of lists, with hundreds of "red flags". it seems everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a "red flag".

this brings me to two points: none of us are perfect. we all have qualities about us that are less desirable or more desirable to the general population, and then of course to specific people. i suspect we could all present two extreme versions of ourselves, one full of desirable qualities, one full of "red flags", with the truth being somewhere in between.

coming out of these relationships, especially with the generally helpful suggestion that we retrospectively examine the "red flags" of our partners, we can become hypervigilant about spotting red flags. youve seen the threads. we see BPD everywhere, we see red flags in everyone we meet, we warn our friends that their prospective partners have a lot of "red flags". its understandable. who wants to repeat the same mistakes or see anyone else make them?

of course, in that state, we dont always have the most balanced perspective. not every undesirable quality constitutes a red flag. sometimes its just an incompatibility. sometimes it might be a misunderstanding, bad first impression. and sometimes, that may be an overreaction, a failing to account for the individuality of others. where do we draw the line?

its a tricky balance and i cant tell you i have it down.

so what can we do? lets try to break it down: what constitutes a red flag to you? what are your personal top ten red flags? please try to narrow it down to ten, definitive red flags. not an incompatibility, not something youre less attracted to, not all things limited to your BPDex (although you can include them) but the kinds of things that make your gut scream "run".

ill start. some of these are very personal to me, and in some cases i can think of bigger red flags, but i think most of these belong in a good general list; a good, general, definitive top ten list is the collective goal of the thread. heres my top ten, in no particular order.

• 1. too much too soon. over the top intensity early on really turns me off and pushes me away these days.
• 2. relationship with parents. ill qualify this one: we dont choose our families. its not, to me, an inherent red flag if you have a troubled relationship with one or both parents. heck, a lot the membership here does. with most of my exes, there was a running theme. mom is evil, dad is great. it always sounded and appeared a bit off to me. with prospective partners, i want to listen, experience, get a full picture.
• 3. sharing too much too soon. if your means of bonding with me is to immediately open up and disclose your life story as a perpetual tragedy, im uncomfortable. once in my life, i was attracted to it. sometimes we are attracted to red flags, and "recognizing a red flag" really means becoming self aware about what dynamics youre attracted to.
• 4. tendency to snoop, monitor or otherwise invade privacy/jealous tendencies
• 5. basically any history of cheating. if you have bettered yourself in terms of past mistakes, then avoid disclosing such a thing to me.
• 6. an unresolved previous relationship
• 7. drug problem. not something ive really experienced, but i think it belongs on the list. its not a judgment thing; it does indicate lack of emotional availability.
• 8. "i need someone who can handle me"
• 9. temper
• 10. i had a girl outright tell me she was "bad news". hard to think of a more vivid red flag.

your turn

[once removed]

 

i was recently reading through this thread: "Red Flags" and how to choose healthier partners

its a good discussion. its a lot of discussion at 24 pages. if you google something like "relationship red flags" youll see hundreds of lists, with hundreds of "red flags". it seems everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a "red flag".

this brings me to two points: none of us are perfect. we all have qualities about us that are less desirable or more desirable to the general population, and then of course to specific people. i suspect we could all present two extreme versions of ourselves, one full of desirable qualities, one full of "red flags", with the truth being somewhere in between.

coming out of these relationships, especially with the generally helpful suggestion that we retrospectively examine the "red flags" of our partners, we can become hypervigilant about spotting red flags. youve seen the threads. we see BPD everywhere, we see red flags in everyone we meet, we warn our friends that their prospective partners have a lot of "red flags". its understandable. who wants to repeat the same mistakes or see anyone else make them?

of course, in that state, we dont always have the most balanced perspective. not every undesirable quality constitutes a red flag. sometimes its just an incompatibility. sometimes it might be a misunderstanding, bad first impression. and sometimes, that may be an overreaction, a failing to account for the individuality of others. where do we draw the line?

its a tricky balance and i cant tell you i have it down.

so what can we do? lets try to break it down: what constitutes a red flag to you? what are your personal top ten red flags? please try to narrow it down to ten, definitive red flags. not an incompatibility, not something youre less attracted to, not all things limited to your BPDex (although you can include them) but the kinds of things that make your gut scream "run".

ill start. some of these are very personal to me, and in some cases i can think of bigger red flags, but i think most of these belong in a good general list; a good, general, definitive top ten list is the collective goal of the thread. heres my top ten, in no particular order.

• 1. too much too soon. over the top intensity early on really turns me off and pushes me away these days.
• 2. relationship with parents. ill qualify this one: we dont choose our families. its not, to me, an inherent red flag if you have a troubled relationship with one or both parents. heck, a lot the membership here does. with most of my exes, there was a running theme. mom is evil, dad is great. it always sounded and appeared a bit off to me. with prospective partners, i want to listen, experience, get a full picture.
• 3. sharing too much too soon. if your means of bonding with me is to immediately open up and disclose your life story as a perpetual tragedy, im uncomfortable. once in my life, i was attracted to it. sometimes we are attracted to red flags, and "recognizing a red flag" really means becoming self aware about what dynamics youre attracted to.
• 4. tendency to snoop, monitor or otherwise invade privacy/jealous tendencies
• 5. basically any history of cheating. if you have bettered yourself in terms of past mistakes, then avoid disclosing such a thing to me.
• 6. an unresolved previous relationship
• 7. drug problem. not something ive really experienced, but i think it belongs on the list. its not a judgment thing; it does indicate lack of emotional availability.
• 8. "i need someone who can handle me"
• 9. temper
• 10. i had a girl outright tell me she was "bad news". hard to think of a more vivid red flag.

your turn

[Mr Hollande]

In no particular order:

1. uncalled for and uncontrollable rages.
2. addiction(s)
3. promiscuity
4. debt
5. inability to maintain employment
6. inability to maintain friendships
7. self harm (MASSIVE red flag)
8. impulsive behaviour
9. unclear personal history
10. nomadic lifestyle

[Lunira]

Here are mine, in no particular order:

1) Drug or alcohol addiction.
2) A nomadic lifestyle (changes places of residence far too often to be normal, just can't seem to put down roots or stay in one place for long).
3) No long term friendships.  (People start to see them for who they really are and either leave, or tell them the facts about themselves and then are left, .)
4) Takes no responsibility for the state of their lives, everything is always someone else's fault, any problems are someone else's responsibility to fix, and anything they need or lack is someone else's responsibility to give them.
5) Inability to maintain steady employment.
6) Excessively "generous" with gifts or favors (usually an attempt to ingratiate oneself with others or "buy friends".  
7) Sexually promiscuous.
8) Attitudes/personality/interests seem to change on a dime, depending on who they're around.
9) Parasitic lifestyle (tendency to depend upon the gifts/charity/goodwill of others in order to pay their bills).
10) Criminality/criminal history.

[hashtag_loyal]

1. Dishonesty of ANY kind!
2. Disclosure of bizarre or extreme past promiscuity
3. Relationship with parents
4. Evidence of self-loathing, such as "You're wonderful. I don't deserve someone like you."
5. Extreme hugging. (Cuddling is nice, but physically holding onto me like your life depends on it is not.)
6. Overlapping or ambiguous past relationships
7. No or few legit friends of the same sex
8. Using "fairy tale" style language about love and relationships ("I love you to the moon and back", "You complete me", etc.)
9. Playing "the victim" in every situation
10. Getting frequent text, FB or kik messages (beyond what is normal for the age/sex of the person in question.)

[Lucky Jim]

OK, I'll chime in.  Here are ten red flags that come to mind:

1.  Temper/Rage/Anger Management issues;
2.  :)rug or drinking problems;
3.  Major conflicts with friends, family members and/or colleagues at work;
4.  Impulsive behavior;
5.  Self-destructive behavior, including suicide ideation;
6.  Obsessive and/or stalking behavior;
7.  Emotional immaturity;
8.  PTSD issues;
9.  Jealousy and Abandonment issues; and
10. Complex FOO issues.

LuckyJim

[balletomane]

1.) History of volatile relationships, lots of short-term relationships in rapid succession, sexually risky behaviour (my ex was in a polyamorous relationship with a sex worker and they never used condoms - at first he couldn't understand why I was so horrified), and sob stories in which the ex is always abusive or crazy and he's the perpetual victim.

2.) Difficulty with seeing and respecting another person's point of view, sometimes to the point where the other person is demonized for thinking differently.

3.) Difficulty with taking responsibility for his own actions, inability to apologise.

4.) Difficulty with accepting an apology. (My ex used to get me to tell him exactly what I'd done to hurt him and if I didn't get it right - and I never did - that meant I wasn't sorry, I was just trying to manipulate him.)

5.) Constantly being suspicious of people's motives and seeing the worst in others.

I would not rule out dating someone just because they have PTSD or they self-harm or whatever. One-quarter of the population experiences a mental health problem at some point in their lives, and that does not necessarily mean they'd be a bad partner. How they deal with the problem is what matters.

[MakingMyWay]

1. Found her in a state of emotional 'numbness'
2. Terrible relationship with parents
3. Very intense at the start
4. Very few meaningful friends, especially of the same sex
5. Self harm or threats of self harm
6. Truly hated herself
7. Never knew how she would be feeling when she woke up, walking on eggshells constantly
8. Would casually say stuff like "I would probably kill myself if I didn't have you" (Don't know why I didn't run at this one)
9. Chronic boredom when not with me
10. Could very easily lie to the people she loved

[FannyB]

1) Too many exes

2) Too many short term jobs

3) Too many cats!

4) Too many stories of 'abuse'

5) Addictions

6) Mummy issues

7) Unwillingness to accept fault

8) Unwillingness to appreciate your point of view

9) Childish reactions

10) Easy 'I love you's'

[once removed]

great answers so far, all. really pithy and really generally good rules. we have some leading candidates for a top ten already, with addiction, sexual promiscuity, unemployment/employment problems as some of the leaders. as we get some more responses i will start to keep tally and we will see what our top ten looks like. lets keep it up 

[Conundrum]

1. She sits in a dark room watching "Gone Girl," over n over.
2. Your pet bunny disappears and there's a strange odor emanating from the slow cooker.
3. Her last ex is an ex because the state executed him.
4. She sports a tramp stamp depicting a black widow and keeps a live one in her purse.
5. She often ponders whether you'll still love her if she was a brain in a vat.
6. She's a better shot than you at the shooting range.
7. Every time you go dancing with her it results in getting into a brawl with a different local sports team.
8. Her mother calls her Claudia, but you've always known her as Trinity.
9. Her last job was working at topless car wash.
10. She changes outfits every 30 minutes and they're all black or white.

Hope you don't mind a little levity... .

[Mr Hollande]

1. She sits in a dark room watching "Gone Girl," over n over.

I can obsess over things. Especially music. I can go an entire day and listen to the same song over and over. Even long after I'm sick of it.

My ex said she'd feel almost unbearable sadness when listening to Lana Del Rey but that she couldn't stop. I didn't get that at the time but with the relationship in hindsight and having studied Lana's lyrics in more detail I understand better what she meant.

[SummerStorm]

1. Statements like, "I have no friends because everyone always leaves me.  They think I'm crazy."
2. Impulsive behaviors
3. Everyone (ex-boyfriends, ex-friends) is always crazy, abusive, or a stalker. 
4. Moving around a lot
5. Lots of different jobs in; never stays at one too long
6. Self-harm and self-loathing ("I'm a waste," "You deserve better."
7. Unpredictable and seemingly unprovoked rages
8. Saying "I love you" way too early
9. Extreme idealization and mirroring
10. Lying

[parisian]

In no order of priority:

1.  Is middle-aged and has an over-abundance of childhood memorabilia but would not class self as a 'collector' of any specific item (e.g. cartoon character t-shirts/accessores; character tattoo; children's movies/tv series; figurines)

2.  Listens regularly to Nine Inch Nails; Tori Amos; Brittany Spears; Lana Del Ray; MSMR's 'Hurricane' song; Miley Cyrus; Taylor Swift (borderline artists - some that have very dark
songs, some about abuse). Does not seek out new music - stuck in the past with music tastes.

3.   Cannot acknowledge and discuss in an adult way, own flaws specifically or is unable to 'own up to' specific self behaviour that led to the demise of last r/s without using broad or generalised cliches such as 'we weren't right for each other'; 'sometimes people just grow apart'; 'apparently I was too negative' (that was for the end of an 8 year r/s)'

4.   Does not seem to have allowed sufficient time between r/s to recover and be by self after r/ships.

5.   Excessive communication and/or including excessive use of childish emoticons.

6.   Drinks excessively, regularly or takes prescription medication and/or has other excessive bad habits (such as over-spending).

7.   Suffers regularly from nightmares / has major sleep issues.

8.   Demands to spend alot of time together at the very start.

9.   Makes 'odd' statements like - 'I don't really know who I am'; 'I can't have long relationships'; 'If you'll stay... .'; 'Often it takes not very much for me to feel sad'; 'You can do anything you like to me'

10.  Is not able to have deep, reflective conversations about self/me/life. Conversations are pragmatic and functional.

11.  Has major issues with Mom, hates Mom or gets very easily agitated with Mom, who seems quite normal.

As you've said, some non-BPD might show these traits in the early days too - that of course does not make them BPD, and we each have our own set of 'red-flags' based on the specific pwBPD's characteristics that we went out with.

[Suspicious1]

These are red flags in others that means I'd avoid a relationship with them:
1) love-bombing
2) all exes described as abusers
3) addictions which are viewed as being acceptable and not a problem
4) thinking that invasions of privacy are acceptable in any circumstances
5) jealousy & possessiveness
6) double standards, inequality or sexism - "its ok when I do it but not when it's someone else"
7) control issues & protectiveness
8) physical intimidation or pushiness
9) lack of empathy
10) emotional, psychological or verbal abuse

Red flags that I myself display:
1) I have slightly dysregulated emotions
2) I have been in a couple of abusive past relationships (which is probably why I suffer from the above)
3) I'd identify as bisexual and polyamorous and I suppose some might see that as promiscuous
4) I've self-harmed in the past (because of points 1 and 2)
5) I've had an emotional breakdown (because of points 1 and 2)
6) I've been suicidal (because of points 1 and 2)
7) I'm very mildly on the bipolar spectrum
8) My mother has NPD
9) I've had lots of jobs, because it took me ages to work out that I was really made to be self-employed
10) I actually can't think of a tenth. Give it time.

[Suspicious1]

10) I have OCD tendencies. Probably explains why I couldn't let this go till I'd thought of a tenth.

[Fr4nz]

1. She sits in a dark room watching "Gone Girl," over n over.

I can obsess over things. Especially music. I can go an entire day and listen to the same song over and over. Even long after I'm sick of it.

My ex said she'd feel almost unbearable sadness when listening to Lana Del Rey but that she couldn't stop. I didn't get that at the time but with the relationship in hindsight and having studied Lana's lyrics in more detail I understand better what she meant.

Lol Hollande!
My BPD (with HPD traits) ex was also very attracted to Lana's songs; she was especially crazy about the song "Young and Beautiful": she literally looped it for whole days!
Analyzing carefully its lyrics, one can see that the song is basically about validation and love, which is one of the things BPDs crave with full-force.

Anyway, Lana seems to be particularly triggering among BPDs, so this may not be a coincidence :D
Read here: www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic147704.html

[Suspicious1]

1. She sits in a dark room watching "Gone Girl," over n over.

I can obsess over things. Especially music. I can go an entire day and listen to the same song over and over. Even long after I'm sick of it.

My ex said she'd feel almost unbearable sadness when listening to Lana Del Rey but that she couldn't stop. I didn't get that at the time but with the relationship in hindsight and having studied Lana's lyrics in more detail I understand better what she meant.

My BPD (with HPD traits) ex was also very attracted to Lana's songs; she was especially crazy about the song "Young and Beautiful": she literally looped it for whole days!
Analyzing carefully its lyrics, one can see that the song is basically about validation and love, which is one of the things BPDs crave with full-force.

Anyway, Lana seems to be particularly triggering among BPDs, so this may not be a coincidence :D
Read here: www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic147704.html

Funny, my exBPDbf was obsessed with The Cure, listened to them every day, and used to use their lyrics often as a way to describe his own emotions. Now I love a bit of The Cure myself, but it's hard not to notice that their lyrics so often express a very idealised version of love, and the women their love songs described would always be this ethereal angel, just-out-of-reach, worshipped, quirky, strange, unattainable. This only occured to me the other day - it was as if his perfect woman was the woman described in these songs. I identified with them far more when I was 15 and an angsty teenager.

Sometimes he'd send me Cure lyrics to explain how he was feeling. The most memorable of these was after the first time he split me black and raged at me, and then when he split me white again he sent me the song "Same as You": "You know the things I said / all the things that made you cry / I didn't really mean that stuff, I didn't really mean that stuff. / All I really mean when I scream and shout the way I do / Is I'm scared - I'm just as scared as you".

[Lucky Jim]

conundrum:  Great list!  I suspect the reason why I find it so funny is that there is a kernel of truth in each item.

[Sigh] wish I had read this thread 20 years ago . . .

LuckyJim

[LostGhost]

1. She sits in a dark room watching "Gone Girl," over n over.

I can obsess over things. Especially music. I can go an entire day and listen to the same song over and over. Even long after I'm sick of it.

My ex said she'd feel almost unbearable sadness when listening to Lana Del Rey but that she couldn't stop. I didn't get that at the time but with the relationship in hindsight and having studied Lana's lyrics in more detail I understand better what she meant.

Lol Hollande!
My BPD (with HPD traits) ex was also very attracted to Lana's songs; she was especially crazy about the song "Young and Beautiful": she literally looped it for whole days!
Analyzing carefully its lyrics, one can see that the song is basically about validation and love, which is one of the things BPDs crave with full-force.

Anyway, Lana seems to be particularly triggering among BPDs, so this may not be a coincidence :D
Read here: www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic147704.html

My ex too loved the song young and beautiful. During our first go around, she would wake up to this song as her alarm clock and it was "our song".

[Turkish]

Conundrum:

I'll copy a few of yours, once removed:

1. relationship with parents. Lack of connection or unresolved feelings towards one or both parents, especially the opposite-sex parent. On the flip-side, over-enmeshment or unhealthy inter-dependence with one or both parents.

2. an unresolved previous relationship ("I'm not over my Ex of two years ago."

3. Push-pull, mixed signals (Do you want to date or just be friends, why keep changing your mind?)

4. "i need someone who can handle me" (Her dad told me, "it's good, you can handle her"

5. temper (inappropriate anger)

6. i had a girl outright tell me she was "bad news". hard to think of a more vivid red flag. ("With me you'll get both heaven and hell"

7. "I hate marriage!" (translation: "I hate commitment." Not a person to try and start a committed r/s with, much less start a family--- I own this myself as a terrible choice I made)

8. Had to get a restraining order on the last r/s partner.

[ScotisGone74]

Much like many of the others posted .    At the time they were occurring she always had an excuse for them of some kind, I knew something was not right, but just didnt know what exactly.   
1.  Began saying "I love You" within weeks of seeing each other.
2.  The only friends she hung around were a couple of very unsavory hoes we worked with.   
3.   Would have severe temper tantrums after a period of things going well between us.
4.  Always on FB posting selfies, at the end of the relationship I picked up her computer with her online dating profile page pulled, which she quickly ran to take off. 
5.  Numerous hea lth problems from out of nowhere.     Way too many for someone that was perfectly physically healthy.   
6.  At work would become giddy when she could get another male to talk to her.   
7.  As the relationship went on increasingly talked about her ex.
8.  Toward the end of the relationship threatened to call the cops if I left and didnt stay and rub her back.
9.  Busted boundaries-would come in the bathroom and set on my lap when I was trying to take a dump on the toilet.   
10.   At the end was delusional.     After she had been cheating on me for weeks  she accused me of having my ex come by her house and watch her.    Also would never admit cheating when faced  with the truth.   

[SummerStorm]

In no order of priority:

4.   :)oes not seem to have allowed sufficient time between r/s to recover and be by self after r/ships.

5.   Excessive communication and/or including excessive use of childish emoticons.

6.   :)rinks excessively, regularly or takes prescription medication and/or has other excessive bad habits (such as over-spending).

7.   Suffers regularly from nightmares / has major sleep issues.

8.   :)emands to spend alot of time together at the very start.

9.   Makes 'odd' statements like - 'I don't really know who I am'; 'I can't have long relationships'; 'If you'll stay... .'; 'Often it takes not very much for me to feel sad'; 'You can do anything you like to me'

10.  Is not able to have deep, reflective conversations about self/me/life. Conversations are pragmatic and functional.

You just described my former friend BPD, . 

[once removed]

just a reminder that the goal of this thread is to create a collective list of ten, general, relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of the red flags we ignored from our BPD exes. there will likely be overlap, but the goal is red flags you would apply to anyone, in general.

[SummerStorm]

7. "I hate marriage!" (translation: "I hate commitment." Not a person to try and start a committed r/s with, much less start a family--- I own this myself as a terrible choice I made)

Yes, I heard this all the time... .until she decided one day that she wanted to marry me.  I do think a lot of this was mirroring.  The funny thing is that I'm not even ready to get married yet.  Since we never talked about me, only her, she really didn't have a great idea of what I wanted.  

She always chalked her hatred of marriage up to the fact that her mom has been married 5 times.  And sure, that may be part of it, but I definitely see commitment and intimacy as the main issues here.  

[Mr Hollande]

Since we are on the subject of music. How about those little gothic rag dolls that appear on Facebook? I'm in a band so I encounter them all the time. Does anyone know they type I'm referring to? Although I have had my share of BPD girlfriends I have always avoided their particular type like the plague.

[once removed]

still hoping to get some more lists. our top three are each separated by a vote respectively.

right now, our number one red flag has been categorized as "emotionally immature communicator". sound kind of vague? its a working category . its got 10 votes. what comprises this category? things like the following:

":)ifficulty with taking responsibility for his own actions, inability to apologise."
"Unwillingness to accept fault"
"lack of empathy"
":)ifficulty with seeing and respecting another person's point of view, sometimes to the point where the other person is demonized for thinking differently."
"Unwillingness to appreciate your point of view"
"Childish reactions"

communication is a pretty fundamental part of a healthy relationship. evidently it is something we put a value on 

[Hopeful83]

 
Here are some red flags:

- Silent treatment that lasts for hours/days after a petty argument
- Being too keen too soon
- Signs of 'falling in love' very easily/quickly
- An addiction to drama - big fallouts followed by romantic, OTT makeups
- Signs of anger issues (my ex's full blown rages didn't start until about a year in, but there were signs of anger issues before that)
- Full on behaviour at the start - wanting to spend all his/her spare time with you (this is not sustainable, and is then followed by a push in the other direction)
- 'Unresolved issues' with 'exes' - in some cases, women who he didn't even have a 'proper' relationship with
- Overreacting to small arguments with drinking and dramatic behaviour

[Technique]

1. Stating 'Anything goes' in the sack within a week of meeting. Overtly sexually kinky
2. Evident crushes on work colleagues and husbands and partners of friends. Usually those of an unobtainable status, or managerial role.
3. Short, sharp periods of rage. Bizarrely, during sex.
4. 'I love yous' way too soon.
5. Way, way too many exes.
6. Lack of any long term relationships, or positive references to any of them.
7. Eventual withholding of sex.
8. Inability to engage at a deep emotional level. Zero intimacy. As far as she is concerned sex IS intimacy.
9. Secretive, cheating and lying.
10. Wears a 'mask' for the world to see. Mask eventually drops in conjunction with devaluation stage.

[LostGhost]

Feels strange for me to make this list. I'm still friends with her so it feels like pointing out the flaws in someone I care about but it might be useful to watch out for these things in my future.

1. Excessive idealization at beginning of relationships - words like soulmate.
2. Lack of true identity - takes on the hobbies/values of person she is with.
3. Unusual behaviour with sex - either extremely hyper sexual or avoids completely as relationship progresses.
4. Almost all friends are opposite sex and spends a little too much time talking to them, texting them and keeping it on the down low.
5. Extremely emotionally sensitive.
6. History of broken relationships where it was always the other person's fault, the exes were all abusive.
7. Childhood abuse.
8. Deep feelings of worthlessness and emptiness on the inside, unable to feel truly happy for long periods of time.
9. Doesn't seem to care about physical appearance in partners. No distinguishable preference - all partners completely different from each other.
10. Push/pull behaviour. This would actually be the #1  for me. If I ever see this crap again, I'm out. I will never again tolerate being a god one minute and a devil the next because of some unknown mystical reason. I will only be with someone who can view me as a whole person, take into account all of my past actions, deeds and words and form an overarching opinion about me based on that instead if what they're feeling moment to moment. CAN'T STAND IT!

[once removed]

ive had to take some liberties in creating and dividing lists and descriptions into categories.

the top ten is a series of ties and so looks more like top fifteen.

categories are:

Emotionally Immature Communicator: (previously explained)

Complex FOO issues: (thanks to lucky jim for the title. this tends to pertain to an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents)

Over Intensity/Too Much Too Soon: (someone that is hot and heavy too quickly, moves too fast, loves you right away)

Temper: (mainly described as a person prone to rage)

Sexual Promiscuity: (self explanitory)

"A Drug Problem": (self explanitory, may depend on the individual, but with an emphasis on addiction)

Perpetual Victim: (someone who, when telling you about themselves, presents a tendency to present themselves as a victim)

Self Harm: (we can characterize a few of these things as self harming. in this case it is limited to suicidal ideation, cutting, or a history of them)

History of Abuse: (sometimes lists conflated a history of abuse with a perception of victimhood but there was a clear enough distinction to warrant its own category. if a person tells us they have multiple partners who abused them, whether true or false, members found it to be a red flag)

Inconsistent Employment: (pertains to lots of short term jobs, job instability, and general inability to maintain employment)

Unresolved Previous Relationships: ("something" still going on with an ex. not to be confused with "too many exes"

Verbal Warnings: (a statement like "im crazy"

our top ten looks something like this:

• 1. Emotionally Immature Communicator (14 votes)
• 1. Over Intensity/Too Much Too Soon (14 votes)
• 3. Complex FOO Issues (9 votes)
• 3. Temper (9 votes)
• 5. Sexual Promiscuity (8 votes)
• 5. History of Abuse (8 votes)
• 7. "A Drug Problem" (7 votes)
• 8. Perpetual Victim (6 votes)
• 8. Self Harm (6 votes)
• 8. Unresolved Relationship Issues (6 votes)

so several ties, and several categories tied at 5 votes below that. would still love to get some more votes and break these ties, get a little closer to definitive, but this is a great list. perhaps not surprisingly, several of them are the 9 criteria for BPD.

interestingly, we also had lots of great suggestions (criminal history was mentioned) that only had one vote. anyway, im hoping to get some more votes, at which point we will dive a bit deeper into these numbers, how they pertain to us and the membership, future relationships, etc. thanks for participating so far!

[Lucky Jim]

Terrific list so far!  Very Helpful to see the consensus.  Thanks, once removed.  LJ

[hashtag_loyal]

Once removed, thanks for putting this list together. I think I will take the eventual Top 10 and convert it into a questionnaire to give to potential future girlfriends prior to the first date. Things will be better that way.

[Skip]

Great work guys!

Whenever I read these "100 signs of ______" I know that the author doesn't really know what they are saying.

This list is a good one - focused - not loaded secondary and tertiary items that would qualify just about anyone.

[WuTanger100]

- Unresolved issues with ex partners ie still messaging them or meeting up.

- Contradictory words compared to actions.

- A complete inability to appreciate current partners feelings or fears ie why it's not acceptable to meet with an ex who is still in love with her and go for drinks with him.

- Black and White thinking. Someone being the absolute worst one week and the week after the most funny and nicest.

- Mood changes due to the slightest of things that can spiral into arguments.

- Self sabotaging behaviour on holiday or other excursions usually overnight stays.

- Deluded feelings of jealously with no basis whatsoever.

- Victim complex in general with friends, co-workers and even family.

- Broaching subjects like moving in together, marriage and having kids within a few months or even just weeks.

- Continuous Breakup/Makeup cycles

[C.Stein]

I'll pitch a list, not in any particular order and a few more than 10.  I could add more but I'll stop here.  Some of these can be picked up almost immediately, some as the relationship progresses through initial stages.

• Too much, Too fast:  Within first month ... .meet parents, talk of marriage/kids/house, fast physical relationship, needs to be in constant contact, sharing of too much personal history
• Unstable Emotions:  Wild mood swings, immature and/or inappropriate emotions/actions for situation
• Dishonesty & Deception:  Lies, changes history to suit their needs, leaves out pertinent details to mislead
• Threats & Ultimatums:  If you don't do this, I'll do something
• Orbiters:  People in their "orbit" (including exs) that are available for whatever
• Unstable Self-image:  Vain, obsessed with appearance, frequently dresses to kill, think they are ugly/bad/evil
• Substance Abuse:  Abusive use of mood altering substances.
• Lives to Party:  Frequents clubs, bars, etc... .
• Manipulative & Vindictive:  Covert or direct. This is also contained within threats & ultimatums.
• Self-centered/Self-absorbed:  Too wrapped up in their own problems, consistently put themselves before partner.
• Inability to Empathize:  Related to the above, but specifically speaks to inability to see/care/respect partners emotions
• Poor Communication Skills:  Specifically with respect to relationship issues. Listens but doesn't hear.
• Perpetual Victim:  Speaks for itself
• Flexible Boundaries & Definitions:  Willing to move/cross boundaries and redefine the meaning of specific things to meet their needs (infidelity is biggest one).
• Poor Self Control:  Anger, frustration, impatient, impulsive. Needs must be met now without thought of consequences
• Black & White Thinking:  Inability to see/understand many life issues exist in the grey area.
• Projection:  Speaks to accountability and responsibility for own actions and self-doubt/trust.  Projects problems and personal insecurities onto someone or something, nothing is ever their fault, always has an excuse.

[greenmonkey]

Here are mine.

* Walking out on your own child for someone you had barely known for two minutes and met online
* Moving on a regular basis
* Unable to cope with day to day life - admin, bills etc
* Not finishing a relationship before starting the next one
* Always always being the victim - never taking any responsibility for how your life works out.
* Pathological Lying
* Secretive
* Manipulative - using your child as a weapon.
* Silent treatment and tantrums
* Self sabotaging on a continual basis and then twisting the blame
* No friends apart from randoms on Facebook
* Addicted to taking selfies and posting on FB
* Bad hygiene, total lack of cleanliness
* Hoarding

[MSNYC]

1) Heavy alcohol and drug use
2) Inconsistent descriptions of past relationships
3) All exes were crazy/uncaring
4) Tons and tons of sex
5) Irresponsible spending habits
6) "All my friends are in love with me"
7) "All my friends are using me for ___"
8) Always partying
9) Minimal/avoidant relationship with children
10) Not one ex is so much as FB friends with them

[MSNYC]

I would like to add this one with great caution/a caveat.

11) Relationships with sex workers/strippers

My caveat is that I do not wish to demean sex workers or strippers, or the relationships they have - which are as real as anyone's. But people who consistently date girls they meet at a club? As a pattern? I think there's something there to be very skeptical of.

[juniorswailing]

Yet another glimpse into the past 4 months of my life!

[Confused?]

1 self harm
2 exes were abusive
3 parents were abusive
4 always the victim
5 love yous within the first month
6 unstable relationship and job history
7 no friends
8 constantly on Facebook or social media
9 lazy
10 manipulation

[GreenEyedMonster]

Here are mine:

-Extremely ambivalent relationship with mother.
-Estranged from family members due to drama/fights.
-Ambivalent relationships with other friends.
-Unrealistic view of self (abilities, talents, personality).
-Financial/debt problems.
-Inconsistent employment.
-Rush for commitment/early talk of marriage.
-A chameleon-like ability to blend in with people.
-Inability to solve relationship problems with conversation.
-Talking excessively of exes, including unresolved feelings.
-Inability to tolerate criticism.
-Expressing strong desire for revenge, even on people who are no longer part of their lives.
-History of alleged victimization.
-Sleep problems and nightmares.
-Unclear whether they were the dumper or dumpee in past relationships.

I guess I should wrap it up, huh?  On a personal note, the two that I wish I had paid more attention two were 1) the fact that he got engaged to a woman he talked to on the Internet for 10 days and had never seen in person and 2) later expressed a desire to kill her for "abandoning" him, or "engulfing" him, depending on which day you asked.

[once removed]

i appreciate everyones participation but i need to reiterate that our goal here is a collective list of general (and personal) relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of red flags about our former BPD partners.

[Svarl1]

Great list.
Recognised plenty of those in others, and a few in myself.

I reckon the 'double standards' one needs to be in the top 10. It might not be so immediately visible but it's very dangerous as this person might use it to justify all kinds of treachery and abuse.

I would add:

Anybody who is so determined to win an argument or have the last word, that they will think nothing of screaming at the very top of their voice, right in your face, relentlessly until you back down and admit you're wrong.

Use of mystical or magical thinking to justify behaviour, like "I knew you in a former life", "we were put on this earth to be together" - especially if voiced early on.

Making Up For justifications : Any sense of entitlement based on a perceived lack in the past, e.g.
"My parents rejected me so you can't do that - I won't be able to take it!"
"I need money spending on me because I grew up poor"
(Either voiced or implied)

Is able to rage at you, call you every name under the sun. Then two minutes later puts on a pleading little voice in order to ask a favour.
 
Dramatic need often arises when you're apart:
If you're enjoying time alone or with other friends,  suddenly you get a tearful call or series of increasingly frantic texts. Something Has Gone Wrong and you need to rush back and fix it.
Of course things can and do go wrong, but in future I will treat any PATTERN of such behaviour as a big red flag.

Spewing a monologue or stream of consciousness:
The person regularly comes in the door and brings forth a monologue covering every detail about their day: what they ate for lunch, who said what to whom, normally lots of moaning and complaints.
You don't really have time to get a word in, but feel obliged to tut and sigh in all the right places.
Most of us like to talk about our lives to some extent, but for me the monologue is a bit too selfish.

[MSNYC]

i appreciate everyones participation but i need to reiterate that our goal here is a collective list of general (and personal) relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of red flags about our former BPD partners.

It's funny, reading through these lists, it seems that many people's items seem specific our about their particular situation, yet I find myself relating to SO many of them. Perhaps what's great about this thread is that people ARE being specific - there are so many of those overly vague/generalized lists of red flags out there, it's nice and validating to see the nitty gritty.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I identify with everyone's 

Did we discuss mysterious health problems and hospital stays? Sorry, I didn't read every page yet.

My koo koo bird had:

1.) Very few close friends 
2.) Poor relationship with Mom and family 
3.) Unemployed 
4.) Multiple unsubstantiated health problems/hospital admissions 
5.) An Oxy problem 
6.) Temper 
7.) Drama-loving 
8.) Inability to complete simple tasks 
9.) I had to walk on eggshells 
10.) Fixated on everything sex 
11.) Lying... .oh, did I mention lying? 
12.) Victim mentality 
13.) Too intense, too quick 
14.) Did I mention lying? 

[once removed]

i appreciate everyones participation but i need to reiterate that our goal here is a collective list of general (and personal) relationship red flags, as opposed to a list of red flags about our former BPD partners.

It's funny, reading through these lists, it seems that many people's items seem specific our about their particular situation, yet I find myself relating to SO many of them. Perhaps what's great about this thread is that people ARE being specific - there are so many of those overly vague/generalized lists of red flags out there, it's nice and validating to see the nitty gritty.

specifics are great - they really helped separate into categories. im happy everyone has kept their list to ten (or a couple more) because a vague list of 100 "red flags" is precisely what is trying to be avoided. there is no shortage of lists on this board of the red flags we saw/ignored in our BPD relationship. imagine if you had a little brother or sister, or young family friend who came to you and asked what wisdom you had to offer about the dating world, what to watch out for. you wouldnt just tell them about your ex.

when the list is completed, it will make for a lot of examination and further conversation. im trying to avoid getting ahead of that, but we are close

[Svarl1]

Thought of another one.  May not be very common, but might be visible early on:

Pathologising competence, proactivity, or joy in others.
Frequent comments like... .
   "Look at Mr & Mrs we're-so-perfect"
   "Those sporty show-offs.  Can't they go and show off somewhere else"
   "You so get off on spending time with them"
   "That hobby is soo geeky! Why don't they just drink beer / eat cake / watch TV like normal people"

Of course, there CAN sometimes be truth in observations like this, and I'm not suggesting to turn a blind eye to obviously narcissistic behaviour.

But I have occasionally seen a person have a whole attitude of finding problems with other people's motives. One might think that to be a good person in their eyes you need to mope around with a big badge that reads CRIPPLED BY LIFE.
Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I really would watch out for anyone with this kind of attitude. They might gladly discourage you from having any kind of ambition, vision or self-actualising tendency.

[once removed]

this list may need to be expanded to a top 15. we have a pretty clear top six, and then about 9 other categories roughly tied, each as good as the other. still more time to add your list!

[Mr Hollande]

Did we discuss mysterious health problems and hospital stays? Sorry, I didn't read every page yet.

I don't think that was mentioned but in violation of Once Removed's code I identify with that one. Huge cough attacks and every now and then "I've been in hospital all night".

Another red flag, and this does not correspond with my ex, is extroverted and narcissistic FB profiles. Like I said above the typical gothic rag dolls. Scantily clad, nude, "tastefully" dishevelled looks, endless photos of themselves and perhaps the biggest social media red flag of them all, the "take me as I am" memes. Often coupled with pictures of sunrise/sunset, butterflies (butterflies is a MASSIVE red flag IMO). Also if they are OTT animal rights harping on about animal cruelty every 5 minutes.

Not sure how to label the above. Narcissistic or histrionic social media profiles/behaviours perhaps.

[Cat_lady]

Is it common for a BPD to lie about beeing in hospital?
Well "mine" did, he got a concussion he said... He asked for understanding and patience by text, during a one month long silent treatment( he did however remeber my birthday during his silence   )
He is always complaining about problem with his belly and his head.
And that he have no energy... . 

[juniorswailing]

My g/f constantly has things wrong with her.

Head, neck, shoulder, arms, wrists, thumb, back, side, hips, feet.

Never a day goes by without something being in pain although, now that we have agreed to split she seems to be a whole lot better.

[Cat_lady]

 red-flagAnother red flag for me was that he asked me often - why do you want to be with me? What do you see in me?
i have no money, im old... .
He also said that i am to beautiful for him, and that i should go to Hollywood because i looked like an angel...

[Stolen]

1. Lying - including lying about trivial things that would otherwise merit a What the heck?   
2. Splitting - "hating" people over trivial reasons
3. Dysphoric Rage - anger totally inconsistent with what triggered it
4. FOO issues - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... .
5. Lots of absolutes when triggered: Everyone/Nobody, Always/Never, Everything/Nothing
6. Hypersensitivity to perceived criticism.  btw, this progressed to the point that any disagreement was taken as a mortal assault to her soul.  Disagreeing quickly became "you never take my side", "you always support others against me" - see #5 above for the absolutes... .
7. Lack of long term friendships
8. Feeling "empty"
9. Unhappy, but indecisive to change: "I don't want to go there"  "OK - where would you like to go?" "Somewhere else"  "Where would that be?"  "Somewhere else"   "OK - how do we get to Somewhere else?"
This circuitous discussion could go on for hours if I'd play along - applied to vacations, even just going to dinner. Could go hours and she would never suggest a valid option. In the end whatever was decided was "my" idea, and not what she wanted.  Because she wanted "something else"... . 
10. FOO issues (merits a second entry). 

[SummerStorm]

1. Lying - including lying about trivial things that would otherwise merit a What the heck? 

YES!  She would lie about things that were very silly to lie about.  She once helped make some masks for a dance, and when a co-worker she didn't even like told her she should stop by the dance to see the kids wearing them, she made up this story about how she was getting a root canal done that day.  I thought, "Why not just say that you are busy that day and leave it at that? 

4. FOO issues - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... .

Mom has been married 5 times and seems to enable some of my former friend's behaviors.  Once, my former friend was telling a story and said, "My mom and I had a falling out and weren't speaking at the time."  She painted her dad black, changed her phone number, and then texted her mom a plan for how she would go about killing her dad.   She doesn't seem to have any issues with her stepdad.

5. Lots of absolutes when triggered: Everyone/Nobody, Always/Never, Everything/Nothing

"Everyone always leaves me."  "You never ask me to go places with you."

8. Feeling "empty"

She said this to me so many times.

[hashtag_loyal]

this list may need to be expanded to a top 15. we have a pretty clear top six, and then about 9 other categories roughly tied, each as good as the other. still more time to add your list!

Maybe consider having 1 list that includes universal red flags that apply to almost all pwBPD, and then flags #7+ could be split between those that apply to pwBPD who tend to "act out", and then a second list of #7+ that apply to those that primarily "act in?"

It just seems to me that the coping mechanisms of waifs/hermits are often times completely different from witches/queens, such that the behaviors and resulting red flags would be very different. Just my two cents.

[hopealways]

1. extreme inappropriate rage
2. any cheating in her past or with you
3. dishonesty
4. not admitting to mistakes even when you catch her red handed
5. sense of entitlement
6. depression for no apparent reason
7. "you can't handle me"
8. "are you sure you want to be with someone as troubled as me?"
9. extreme desire to be touched and held (shows was not during childhood which spurred the BPD)
10. changing careers often
11. push/pull behavior
12. distancing
13. nothing ever good enough
14. history of troubled relationships
15. only respects people who dont treat her well

[balletomane]

I want to add another one to my list - double standards. Applying one standard to your partner (often a ridiculously high standard), but not holding yourself to it.

My ex, for example, got upset and suspicious if he thought I wasn't telling him enough (even if I'd given him every single detail of my day) but my own "How are you?" and "What did you do today?" would just get responses like "OK" and "Not much." He kept a lot hidden from me (I only discovered at the end just how much, and there's probably stuff I still don't know) while he would go into rages at me over imagined evasions and deceit.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I want to add another one to my list - double standards. Applying one standard to your partner (often a ridiculously high standard), but not holding yourself to it.

I'd second this.  I had kind of forgotten about it, but so true.

[once removed]

ill third it! double standards drive me nuts and im very self conscious about not applying them myself. they sort of came to define my relationship with my ex. theres a couple (like 2) votes for double standards; seems to me it may fit under "emotionally immature communicator". what do yall think?

[C.Stein]

I'll add a vote for double standards.  It would probably fall under Flexible Boundaries & Definitions from my list.

[once removed]

just to update:

ties are being broken, and some categories that were behind have now replaced others in the top ten, like employment issues, dishonesty, troubled friendships (categories not yet clearly designated) while categories like self harm, history of abuse, and promiscuity are starting to fall behind. we are very close to a clear top ten now.

[SummerStorm]

I want to add another one to my list - double standards. Applying one standard to your partner (often a ridiculously high standard), but not holding yourself to it.

My ex, for example, got upset and suspicious if he thought I wasn't telling him enough (even if I'd given him every single detail of my day) but my own "How are you?" and "What did you do today?" would just get responses like "OK" and "Not much." He kept a lot hidden from me (I only discovered at the end just how much, and there's probably stuff I still don't know) while he would go into rages at me over imagined evasions and deceit.

My former friend BPD hid so much from me. It's actually kind of scary how much she hid from me.  She really did live two completely separate lives: one with me and one with her now ex-boyfriend. 

[13YearGoodbye]

My red flags... .

1- Someone that needs to be rescued! (I'm done being a knight in shining armor.)
2- Has young kids at home. (I already raised too many families.)
3- Needs to be rescued and has kids at home! Triple Bonus red flag.
4- Shifts responsibility away from self and onto others.
5- Inability to be self introspective.
6- Gaslighting.
7- Lack of emotional intimacy.
8- Unstable memories
9- B___ing

The above was posted before reading the other responses. I'd like to add:

10- Complex FOO Issues

[Hidden]

I hope you don't mind a personal comment, but I'm not... .really liking the slut-shaming I see here. "Sexually promiscuous" being a red flag/inherently bad trait does not sit well with me. How does one define this, either way? Some think having slept with more than 3 people is, some think having slept with one before 18 is, some think anyone before marriage not being a virgin is.

Mind you, I'm not personally offended, I've only slept with one person in my late 20's. I'm just personally very much against judging people over their sexual history or lack thereof.

Unless that involves cheating. That's a whole different matter... .

[steelwork]

Here are some general red flags I'd extrapolate from my experience -- things you might see early on in the relationship.

1. Excessive flattery.
2. Trying to the move relationship forward too fast.
3. Dissociating/spacing out/panic attacks in moments of intimacy.
4. Avoidance of uncomfortable subjects: silence or deflection or anger.
5. Reckless/impulsive behavior.
6. Harsh attitude toward exes. Lack of acceptance of blame in past relationships.
7. Uncanny similarities between you in terms of tastes, experiences, values -- "We were made for each other."
8. Lack of consistent values -- for instance, "I was living a lie"-type statements to explain inconsistencies re. #7.
9. Putting a lot of emphasis on what you do for others (i.e. you are so "understanding" "loyal" etc).
10. Lack of close friends.

[RighteousAnger]

I hope you don't mind a personal comment, but I'm not... .really liking the slut-shaming I see here. "Sexually promiscuous" being a red flag/inherently bad trait does not sit well with me. How does one define this, either way? Some think having slept with more than 3 people is, some think having slept with one before 18 is, some think anyone before marriage not being a virgin is.

Mind you, I'm not personally offended, I've only slept with one person in my late 20's. I'm just personally very much against judging people over their sexual history or lack thereof.

Unless that involves cheating. That's a whole different matter... .

I totally agree with you here. Sexually promiscuous does not in itself = bad person. In fact, personally I prefer a woman who knows what she is doing and that typically comes from experience. However, I think sexually promiscuous keeps coming up because that tends to be fairly common in pwBPD and since most people on here are involved with or were recently involved with a pwBPD, if it wasn't a red flag before it is now due to that person. Anyway, here are my top 10 red flags:

1) Dishonesty/Lying/Omittance (of course these ones are hard to see early on in relationships)
2) Always the VICTIM when describing past relationships (exs, friends, family)
3) DRUG/Alcohol addiction (or if not an addict, a habit of BINGE Drinking on a fairly regular basis)
4) Employment issues (history of... .has never held a job down for long)
5) Still Living at Home with parents/a parent (kinda relates to #4)
6) Jealousy
7) Excessive cursing (just shows a general lack of education IMO)
8) Lack of same sex friends accompanied with an abundance of opposite sex friends
9) Selfish inconsiderate behavior
10) Not good/friendly with children (I have a 5 year old, obviously this is a big one for me)

[HurtinNW]

Mine:

1. Self-pity
2. History of superficial or transitory relationships
3. Lack of personal accountability
4. Anger or rage problems
5. Unrecognized or unresolved trauma issues. I'm fine with mental health issues if they are being treated. 
6. Immature and childish behavior
7. Lack of personal ambition to better oneself
8. Loving pets more than people, or things more than people
9. Dishonesty, lying, cheating
10. Passive aggressive, including chronic flakiness and tardiness as well as baiting and poking people. This is a big one for me, because that kind of poison is nasty to be around, and I don't want it around my kids.

[drained1996]

10. Push/pull behaviour. This would actually be the #1  Red Flag for me. If I ever see this crap again, I'm out. I will never again tolerate being a god one minute and a devil the next because of some unknown mystical reason. I will only be with someone who can view me as a whole person, take into account all of my past actions, deeds and words and form an overarching opinion about me based on that instead if what they're feeling moment to moment. CAN'T STAND IT! 

By Lostghost I think.  I'd vote this one #1 as well

[Rayban]

Might be a little late, but here is my list of top 10


1. Too fast too quick, moving in, talking about marriage and kids within the first few weeks of the R/S
2. Impulsive and self destructive behaviors mine Drinking smoking weed, excessive spending Reckless driving
3. Attention addict needed it from multiple sources
4. Abusive past exes
5. Loved her dad, felt like she was competing with her mom. Would do word date like activities with him.
6. Still in contact with Exes including meeting up with them
7. Victim mentality again mostly for attention purposes
8. Felt entitled, and dream of a millionaire lifestyle, with no plans on how to achieve this
9. zero responsibility, everything is always someone else s fault 
10. Asked me on our first date what I would do If she were crazy ... .yikes I though she was kidding

[Peterpan]

 pursued and stalked, I took it that he was shy

Very touchy and very in my personal space, territorial , felt like a bodyguard.

Extremely jealous of anyone else giving me attention.

Hinted at his interest but never said anything, just overboard hints.

Stared and copied my body language ( admitted it later)

Talked as though he'd known me all his life as soon as we first kissed.

Dyslexic but wrote full texts like Shakespeare,  overboard language ' you are a goddess, a beautiful angel, a perfect being's

Sometimes very childish, tickling, poking, language changes ' I wuv  woo' or ' love love love you'  

Contradictions and/ or repeating other people's sentences, statements

Inappropriately sexually aroused at the wrong times,  appeared teenage like during the act, odd for two long term marriages

Enjoyed pitting me against other women.

Would calm down/ back off with apparent interest but pull back if I was nonchalant.

Put his wife and ex wife down, both ' mad b___es'

Nothing was ever his fault, everyone else created reasons why he couldn't see me.

Always saying I was stunning, couldn't understand why I wanted him, looked for validation constantly.

Always busy busy, but never could explain doing:what. Always running about town but had no friends to speak of.

I felt confused and counter his intentions most of the time, either all or nothing... .then it paled into plodding on a new being taken for granted.

That's 17 and still counting.

[Hopefulgirl]

-Telling me on second date that he had been arrested for disorderly conduct and put in jail and no one had bailed him out.

-only watching tv shows that he had watched when he was,like, ten.

-Parents would get the silent treatment for months over a trite comment

-All exes were crazy emotionally abusive b___es

-Realizing that he was only super affectionate and communicating well at the times when his "ex" girlfriend was on vacation.

-Not enough money for electric bill but getting loans for pot.

-Either wearing clothes that a twelve year old would wear, or preferably naked.

-Feeling empathy for aquaintances but none for anyone close to them, especially if they cry.

-Forgetting dates then getting annoyed for being reminded.

-Saying that Im the only person who has ever really understood him

[Raspberry]

Unable to work
Sending me cards telling me he loved me after only a few weeks
Intense expression of infatuation
Never had a girlf before
Past hospital admission
Sometimes reverting to childish language
Talk of living together in the first few weeks
Excessive flattery
Delusional

[seenr]

Here goes:

In no particular order

1 - Gun to the head (We either move in together or we split, we get engaged or we split)
2 - Violence - hit me, hit her daughter, broke down a door to get into the room I was in, tried to break the window of my car
3 - Personal space - dialled into my voicemail & also that of at least two exes I know, monitored my twitter account (this is public I know but used to quote my tweets to me in arguments)
4 - Repeating back things I had trusted her with (eg about being sexually abused as a child)
5 - Boredom, when she would be bored & tell me I was boring
6 - Looking on the not so bright side - if I did 9 good things in a day I'd be told about the 1 I didn't do
7 - No gratitude at all.
8 - Financially unstable. If I have her 5000 euro, she would spend it, with very little to show for it and she'd say 'live for today'. That's fine, we could all be dead tomorrow, but I want my Son to have a head start in life, so squandering everything now, no way that's not me.
9 - Telling me how I think. I'd come home from work and give her & son a kiss. I'd walk around smiling & then hear 'why are you in a bad mood'. I found this so hard to deal with.
10 - Family issues. At the start, disliked her Mum, was estranged from two sisters, told me her brother was not a nice person (he is one of the nicest people I've ever met) said her Dad was violent & abusive. At the start she liked my family, but this all disappeared 7-8 months in, she began to say horrible things about them. Then I got to hear how one by one she hated all her ex husband's family too but suddenly liked them when her & I broke up.

I was lucky that promiscuity was never an issue, but in times we were apart, her behaviour was questionable.

Looking at it all now, a mess.

[kentavr3]

everything above + using judicial system (restraining orders).
Any kind of provocations. Especially provocation of violence.
narcissism behavioral. Doing thing behind your back. Pushing against each other.

[Peterpan]

1.     Contradictions, sometimes within a few hours

2.     Immature behaviour, tickling, poking, immature texting... .' wuv woo'

3.     Early manipulation ' tells'... ." I think you're a patient person" conditioning.

4.     Overly territorial... .always had to have body contact even before the r/s

5.     Stalking and snooping... .followed me everywhere, wasn't through my phone ( even before r/s

6.      Talked about finances too early, stood back to let me pay on first day out even though he invited me.

7.       Caught him in silly lies, needless ones.

8.        Told me I was a goddess, too good for him, fished for compliments, told me he was insecure, that conditioned me to explain away the lies.

9.        Severe memory loss, confused me with other women... .a lot.

10.     Once hooked got complacent, back and forth in behaviour, would go back to love bombing if I hinted it was going nowhere.

Most of these were before the relationship started, he'd pursued me for months but mostly spent that time subtly pushing me to do the actual talking. There were lots more tells afterwards, he had someone else lined up as well whom he triangulated with. He also spoke about his ex wife's bad points, they're been divorced over 20 years and he was now with wife 2.

All those red flags and I saw them by ignored them all under the guise that he was insecure. Why didn't I listen to my gut?

[earlgrey]

don't know if these are necessarily    but they are unusual (from my experience) and make me now ask questions... .it is also stuff from early days when things were 'good', before the real nitty gritty started:

1. every time she walked passed a mirror she would pull a 'beautiful' face to lessen whatever... .

2. photo time she would snuggle up to me and pose the happy couple

3. little girl voice and behaviour in certain times of couple difficulty, waif/pleaser to strangers (me too early days) with girlie voice

4. strange come and go pains ailments
 
5. cold distant tough on D8 at the time

6. flip to 'objectionable' character type on me talking to female friend

7. exhibitionism

8. talks (gossip stuff) with overly dramatic facials and verbals

9. sleep on far side of bed at edge facing out - regularly

10. occasional silent treatment

These were not deal breakers, and had it stayed limited to these kind of behaviours, it could have worked... .but these I guess were some kinds of mini signals to bigger underlying issues.

[fromheeltoheal]

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