First post to introduce myself

[peace82short]

Hi

I have been with my wife for 7 years.  Up to 3 years ago things were great but then a mutual friend of ours (female) started to behave differently towards my wife (I think she was jealous of a number of things).  This caused a huge trauma for my wife who was always quite shy and her personality changed dramatically.  At first I just thought it was stress (a few more stressful things happened in our lives).

Because I was a confident successful and positive person, at first, I was able to support my wife and maintain a positive outlook.  I had no Idea that she may be suffering from BPD (and hadn't even heard of it back then) but over the years, my mental and physical health has been severely affected as a result of my wifes behaviours and I myself have now changed to the point where I don't really recognise myself anymore.

I sought help via my GP for depression and anxiety mainly because I lost the ability to speak. At first I thought it could be cancer or something but after 12 months of tests etc I now realise that it is because of tension in my chest and throat area.  I'm now on anti depressants and beta blockers (steroids) and this is helping to "calm" me down so I am not as tense and my voice is slowly recovering.

It was at a Stress Counselling course I was attending that the course tutor mentioned the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is where I found the web address for this forum.

I have never experienced anything like living with someone with BPD and I was so relieved when I started reading that book to hear that I wasn't alone and that I wasn't going crazy myself.

I want to do everything I can to help my wife and I don't want to separate but if my health doesn't improve I am not sure I will have any other option.  The thing is, when my wife is having a good day, she is an amazing person.  When she is having a bad day, she literally turns into the satan himself and has physically attached me on many occasion.  It is the torrent of verbal abuse that lasts for hours on end that has broken my spirit though.  I used to fight back (verbally... .not physically) but that was when I didn't know there was anything wrong.  This never helped.

Now, the problem is that although I have learned not to react and stay calm (the pills I take help to chill me out), staying calm and not reacting infuriates my wife more and makes her rage even worse... .so I literally cant win.

I understand that in order to help my wife I must first look after myself and I am trying so hard but finding it very very difficult.  I used to be a strong successful man and I need to find this person again.   Whad does everyone else do in this situation?

Many thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi peace82short,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult on the homefront and with anxiety. I have anxiety and depression too, I know how hard it can be to function some days.

You're right, you're not alone. You'll find many members here that can relate with you, you have don't have to walk through this alone, it helps to talk. You mentioned your GP, I just wanted to ask if you're working with a T? I think that betablockers are prescribed by a P ( psychiatrist ) It helps to work with a T or P concurrently with a support group.

When she is having a bad day, she literally turns into the satan himself and has physically attached me on many occasion.  It is the torrent of verbal abuse that lasts for hours on end that has broken my spirit though.  I used to fight back (verbally... .not physically) but that was when I didn't know there was anything wrong.  This never helped.

I can relate with your post. Splitting is confusing, I recall being berated for several weeks and my ex wife would suddenly act nicely and tell me how much she loved me, it felt like crazy making behavior. I felt resentful towards her because things were never settled and it felt invalidating when she acted differently out of the blue, as if nothing had happened.

You are correct that it takes two to tango and one to stop. I'll give you a short video on ending conflict but I like you fought back, I wish that I knew what I know now then, but it's better late than never What is your boundary when she has a borderline rage episode? It doesn't help to fight back but it also doesn't help you to take it, the best thing to do is to put the boundary on yourself that you're going to remove yourself from the situation, go run an errand and advise her that you'll be back later, so that it gives her reassurance with her fear of abandonment.  That being said.

Self care is really important so that you don't feel emotionally and physically run down, what do you like to do for self care?

[ArleighBurke]

... .staying calm and not reacting infuriates my wife more and makes her rage even worse... .

Not reacting is a great start - the next step is to Validate her emotions - it allows her to be heard. Read here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[BowlOfPetunias]

 Up to 3 years ago things were great but then a mutual friend of ours (female) started to behave differently towards my wife (I think she was jealous of a number of things).  This caused a huge trauma for my wife who was always quite shy and her personality changed dramatically.  

Even in hindsight, there were no signs of BPD before this event?  BPD is not something that someone is hit with suddenly and then their personality changes.  It's labeled as a personality disorder because it relates to the individual's long term personality.  Most of the studies indicate that it starts developing at an early age.  A trauma during adulthood can certainly trigger BPD behaviors.  But it does not cause/start the BPD itself.  In other words, the BPD has to be there in the first place in order for the trauma to trigger it.

For example, I ignored my wife's anger issues for a long time before I was able to admit that there was a real problem and that she had BPD traits.  Things got worse as our kids got older, but the problems with the kids did not create BPD in someone who never had it before.  Several years before we had kids, for example, I was driving along Rt 1 in California.  My OCD kicked in and I was terrified of driving right next to a cliff without any guard rail.  She agreed to take over and asked if I wanted her to continue on Rt. 1 or go inland.  I said it did not matter as long as I was not driving.  She insisted that I make a decision, so I said inland.  After a while, she became frustrated at how long the drive was  taking and asked me to look at a map.  I did, and I saw that the road we were on went southeast--we had been heading North on Rt. 1.  But it was the only road that would take us to the inland highway and then we could resume heading north.  I said something innocuous such as, "Oh, I see what happened.  This road heads southeast before it connects to the highway we need."  My wife flew into a rage.  Why was I accusing her of doing something wrong?  I told her I was not accusing her of anything.  I simply saw the reason why it was taking so long and did not say that she made any mistake in taking that road.  Yet she kept yelling and demanding to know why I was blaming her.  No matter how much I begged and pleaded that I never said she did anything wrong, she kept yelling and yelling.  Finally, I could not take it any longer.  She stopped at a light and I opened the door and got out--without even looking for oncoming traffic!  I went over to the sidewalk and just laid there until she agreed to stop yelling at me.  There were even earlier red flags, but that was a big one that really should have told me that there was something very wrong.