I have separated from my husband - this is not the first time

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

If there is domestic violence, any joint therapy is not recommended.

Very often, people who are being abused minimize and deny their experiences because they are painful to think in an objective way. I know that I did, and many of the people who I've talked with about these things do. When the reality sets in, it is hard to process everything; it's overwhelming.

Our family has had dealings with our protective services agency as well - specifically addressing some concerns that have been raised about our youngest daughter (12). My wake-up call came in a conversation with her when she said that she was worried and frightened about being alone with her dad in the event that we separated - she had tears welling up in her eyes. That was huge for me and changed how I saw things, and I needed to change my own plans to make sure that she felt safe. Her question, "what did you do" kept coming back to me. Right now, she has a social work 'mentor' and a horse program through school. I've had counseling through our local dv shelters, too, and I'm working on becoming more independent. (which is difficult for my uBPDh - he has some supports as well) I have also gone through an online workshop that is more specifically addressing nons in relationships with pwBPD because most of the information that I was getting was not geared toward that area. It has taken a lot of work to get all the pieces together, but it was worth it.

It sounds like in your case the Caring Dads group is geared toward dads who are harming their children. Taking responsibility for our actions is the first step toward change. I'm sure that your shelter has explained that leaving can be a trigger for more intense violent actions; be very careful about communication with your husband. I would think email would be the best form - there probably isn't anything that is really time sensitive that he needs to know about right now. Short and factual, and keep records.

[empath]

If there is domestic violence, any joint therapy is not recommended.

Very often, people who are being abused minimize and deny their experiences because they are painful to think in an objective way. I know that I did, and many of the people who I've talked with about these things do. When the reality sets in, it is hard to process everything; it's overwhelming.

Our family has had dealings with our protective services agency as well - specifically addressing some concerns that have been raised about our youngest daughter (12). My wake-up call came in a conversation with her when she said that she was worried and frightened about being alone with her dad in the event that we separated - she had tears welling up in her eyes. That was huge for me and changed how I saw things, and I needed to change my own plans to make sure that she felt safe. Her question, "what did you do" kept coming back to me. Right now, she has a social work 'mentor' and a horse program through school. I've had counseling through our local dv shelters, too, and I'm working on becoming more independent. (which is difficult for my uBPDh - he has some supports as well) I have also gone through an online workshop that is more specifically addressing nons in relationships with pwBPD because most of the information that I was getting was not geared toward that area. It has taken a lot of work to get all the pieces together, but it was worth it.

It sounds like in your case the Caring Dads group is geared toward dads who are harming their children. Taking responsibility for our actions is the first step toward change. I'm sure that your shelter has explained that leaving can be a trigger for more intense violent actions; be very careful about communication with your husband. I would think email would be the best form - there probably isn't anything that is really time sensitive that he needs to know about right now. Short and factual, and keep records.

[momtario]

  Thanks, Formflier and Empath.

It's been one month and one day.

31 days that I haven't had to wonder if today would be the day I left, or the day I regretted not leaving, or the day I finally got through to (RS)uNPDh. I hadn't had a lot of days in the last 6 years without these considerations. 31 days in a row, where I have only been concerned with "normal adult" things like clean laundry and feeding the children.

I just wanted to share where I'm at right now.

[Grey Kitty]

momtario, It sounds like you are much more at peace with your choice a month later. YAY!

If I do return to the marriage at this point, my children will be removed from the home.

Please consider--even if this is true, you ARE making a choice. I think this choice is so lopsided for you that you aren't even considering the path where you lose your children... .but you still are choosing.

Knowing that you do have a choice, and that you are making the right one this time is a huge help going forward. 

[momtario]

Thanks, Grey Kitty. Sorry for the late response... .No internet at the new house.

I am having a really difficult time with his stalking behaviours since returning to hometown. He feels that my use of BIFF has been rather abusive to him (projecting in all sorts of ways). It's harder than i thought trying not to get caught up in JADEing... .