Once More, With Feeling

[WalkingInRain]

Hey everyone.

So I've been spending most of my time over on the detachment board because at the end of the day I've "given" up on hope.  Not in terms of a fatalistic view of the situation but rather that hope started to feel like self-harm.  I'm trying to live now with my eyes unclouded.

But in that perspective, as I've been working through the last cycle here, I'm also trying to find a pathway forward with grace.  I've invested ten years into this relationship with watching her spiral so many times now.  And while I am accepting that this is likely the end, I don't want to just cut her off and move on simply because that's the "best" thing to do.

I do actually believe she can get better, but perhaps just not now or tomorrow.  But even as I believe that, I look and know I can't keep on going on with the loop and limbo.  Could I stand by her through recovery, yep, absolutely.  But the limbo.  Too many years of that.

I should say before anything else my wife has been diagnosed with CPTSD, depression and anxiety, but not officially BPD.  So I'm on here more because she seems to have many signs of it - splitting, hair trigger rages, lack of identity, extremely low self-worth, hot/cold behavior, and near constant limbo states - and I've been working through processing my own feels and looking for the missing pieces of the puzzle.

And I know she loves me and I love her.

Anyway, before I wonder off into the land of tangent yonder, I'm right now trying to find a way forward with a set of extreme anxiety mixed together with her going pretty silent / non-responsive at times.  We are currently living apart as we took a big break up earlier this year.

Some days the old her will shine through, but most days she sits in her apartment and basically hides from the world with her anxiety.  She is still managing to get out with friends now and then.  I've been trying to support her and encourage her to work out more (on her good days she partly lives in the gym), and that I am here to listen and talk.  But she doesn't really open up.  And basically lies that she is "okay" even when I know after all these years when she's really not.

I'm realistic.  The chances are this won't work out.  That I will move on.  But well, I'm giving it likely through the holidays.  A window for things to still turn around.  Between now and whatever then it will be, I want to give it my honest heart.

I know that at the end the day, getting better is both on her and up to her.  I can't control that.  I can't make it happen.  But I would welcome ideas on how I might be able to support her in this time left.  How to talk to perhaps lower her anxiety or create a chance for something better to bloom again.

Thanks for the time everyone.

-WalkingInRain

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi WalkingInRain;

It makes sense that however this relationship turns out (repair, parting ways, etc), you'd want to find tools and skills to navigate the next few months in the most effective way possible. That's definitely why the "Bettering" board is here.

I'm right now trying to find a way forward with a set of extreme anxiety mixed together with her going pretty silent / non-responsive at times.  We are currently living apart as we took a big break up earlier this year.

Is that your anxiety, or hers?

Some days the old her will shine through, but most days she sits in her apartment and basically hides from the world with her anxiety.  She is still managing to get out with friends now and then.  I've been trying to support her and encourage her to work out more (on her good days she partly lives in the gym), and that I am here to listen and talk.  But she doesn't really open up.  And basically lies that she is "okay" even when I know after all these years when she's really not.

If you were to break down the subject matter of your communications with her, what % would you give to each of the following:

-her issues
-the relationship
-encouraging/supporting her
-logistics (finances, housing, etc)
-neutral low key no-investment topics (cute pictures, positive news stories, etc)
-other (let me know if I missed guessing the most common topics)

Gut feeling is it's actually making sense to me that she's withdrawing/minimizing in relationship to your encouragement/support. It might be too emotionally intense for her at the moment, and rather than lash out at you to get you to stop poking emotional stuff (acting out), or communicating directly (high skill approach), she pulls away and shuts down (low skill but not acting out at you).

You know her best -- but it's a thought to consider, that you being positive and encouraging might be either too intense or too invalidating for her at this point in time.

I know that at the end the day, getting better is both on her and up to her.  I can't control that.  I can't make it happen.  But I would welcome ideas on how I might be able to support her in this time left.  How to talk to perhaps lower her anxiety or create a chance for something better to bloom again.

While I'm not sure you are fundamentally in control of the levers to pull to lower her anxiety, it's still true that we can inadvertently make things worse out of our best intentions.

I wonder if you might see a difference if instead of focusing on encouraging her to get better/improve herself, you shifted focus slightly onto:

having neutral-to-positive interactions about "no strings attached" content (i.e., not about "our dog" but about "look at this other cute dog story")

Basically, instead of talking about the relationship/talking about the issues, doing the relating differently for a while -- taking the pressure off.

Again, I'm not the expert on her or on you -- I'm sitting behind a computer screen far away. I'd be interested, though, if any of that seems relevant to you.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Walking,

I hear that this is very painful - and yes, we love them - just not what they do or how it makes us feel.  My wife has CPTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, uBPD, and I could go on and on.

Since you are on the bettering board - I can tell you that CPTSD has many similarities so your gut feel is not far off the mark.  The same tools can apply and they work well.  What I can share is CPTSD (childhood sexual abuse/verbal abuse/emotional abuse etc) can be definitely cured/managed well with proper CBT counseling and EMDR and can be life changing.  It is a big investment of time and money - but I have seen huge differences after 2 years of her weekly therapy.  She has substantially less triggers, rages, massive depressive episodes, splitting, projection, and is far less anxious.  She told me it is like going from level 8 of 10 stress level down to a level 2.  However my wife said it is very painful emotionally as traumatic disassociation memories that have been blocked are pulled up to reprogram.  She explained that it is is necessary because a bad issue from the past is causing a negative response today that is unwarranted.

Key is - it won’t work if you make her go.  She has to do it on her own to take control of her life.  My wife swears by it and is super glad she has gone through the painful process.  It was rough for 18 months though.

Outdoor