What's going on?

[WhatAndWhy]

I've been with my fiancé for about 3 years. She has Quiet BPD & ADHD.
I'm trying to be patient and understanding. I've read & watched a lot of stuff about it but feel very alone & confused. My friends just say to leave her and others can't understand what her condition means.

Things seem to be going really well with us and then, out of the blue, she becomes distant, angry, argumentative, says she doesn't love me and everything she previously said that's positive is a lie to make me feel better or try to convince herself. She avoids me, blanks me and sometimes ends the relationship. Then a couple weeks later she reaches out saying that everything bad she said wasn't true and she does love me.

Which one is correct? Which feeling is more real? She doesn't seem to know (it's whichever she is in the moment).
How should I respond? Try to reason with her? Back off and ignore her?

I occasionally struggle with the pressures of life and, at my point of need, she seems to become even more her-focused. Will she ever be able to empathize with me and be there for me when I need her?
She says she wants to change and it's really hard for her. I find it so painful and confusing.
Any words of help or wisdom please?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WhatAndWhy]

This is my first attempt to reach out to others who might have experience and talk about it.
It feels as if I'm the only one and I keep messing up. I think I'll see it coming and handle it better but it always ambushes me.

[Miclulo0522]

Hello,

First of all, just know that you are not alone. I can relate to much of what you are saying. My husband was newly diagnosed so I wish I could give you some more insight. I do know exactly how you feel though. He has quiet BPD also which has been hard to go back and think of the 20 years we've been together and he's probably been struggling with this for a very long time.

We are separated at the moment which is difficult in itself. I am glad to find this group and read some of the stories. There are so many that don't understand the disorder and it really hurts because they are human too. I only want to learn how to best support him and not feel like I am the enemy to him.

Hopefully, someone will comment on here for you.