Regaining trust?

[scribble]

I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that I think he might have BPD. I withheld it for a long time but he is getting to a dangerous point where he needs help, he’s self-destructive and has suicidal thoughts. I was trying to encourage him to get help and help him understand there may be solutions to his suffering. Now he will barely speak to me. Does anyone have experience with this? Are there ways I might regain his trust? I had good intentions but didn’t know better ways to go about it at the time. I’m very concerned. When I do communicate with him I just try to encourage him to get connected with a therapist because he has said he knows he needs to. It’s just hard to take that first step. I don’t want to push too hard but I also don’t want to give up. Please help. Thanks.

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[kells76]

Hi scribble and

Glad you found us and were ready to reach out for support; having a suicidal partner is a huge weight on you, and one that so many members here understand.

I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that I think he might have BPD. I withheld it for a long time but he is getting to a dangerous point where he needs help, he’s self-destructive and has suicidal thoughts. I was trying to encourage him to get help and help him understand there may be solutions to his suffering. Now he will barely speak to me.

Do the two of you live together or separately?

Is he reacting in any other way besides not talking to you?

[scribble]

Thanks for the reply. We have been in an on and off again relationship that has been long distance for the past few months. His behavior suggests to me that he’s at increased risk. The holidays are hard for him. For a while he was telling me he was trying to find a therapist but he stopped responding when I asked if he was still working on that, which makes me think he might not be. I know his drug and alcohol use has increased, or did for a while. But now we aren’t communicating at all. I asked him if he wanted to keep communicating and he told me to give him some time. So I don’t think there’s anything I can do except give him space. Is there?? I have contact with a couple of his friends but I don’t get the feeling they take it as seriously.

I feel worried for his safety, powerless. He still isn’t diagnosed and I only recently started learning about BPD. I’m glad I’ve learned what I have because even if it’s not his diagnosis, he certainly has symptoms, it explains so much and the information has helped me learn better ways to support. If only I had known earlier. I am working with a therapist on my feelings. I just want to make sure I am doing all I can to try to make sure he’s safe and not do anything that would do any harm.

[kells76]

Hi scribble;

How did the holidays go for the two of you?

After he communicated that he wanted you to give him some time, were you able to pause for a bit? Did he end up reaching out after a while?

I feel worried for his safety, powerless... If only I had known earlier. I am working with a therapist on my feelings. I just want to make sure I am doing all I can to try to make sure he’s safe and not do anything that would do any harm.

Feelings of powerlessness can be common when BPD is in the mix. It is so difficult to watch loved ones hurt themselves, or to watch pwBPD hurt your loved ones, and to feel like there's nothing you can say or do to intervene successfully.

It's good to hear you have a therapist you can lean on as you experience feeling powerless. What does your T think about your desire to help and support your boyfriend?

[scribble]

It was hard to stop reaching out to him, but when I did he was short, cold, avoided truly answering the question, so I asked him if he wanted to stop communicating. He said he’d like some time and then he will reach out. He hasn’t yet but I get that the space is likely best for both of us even though it’s very difficult and painful for me. I don’t know how he feels. I still worry a lot. But I understand I have done all I can and can’t do anything else unless he opens the door.

It’s so hard to get over. I think about him all the time. I think what makes it so hard to accept is how much a lot of what has happened and is happening doesn’t make sense, feels so unfair, feels like he’s making choices based on his assumptions about what I think and my intentions that isn’t accurate, but he won’t listen to my perspective, and the sudden contrast from how close we were and then he suddenly changed the way he was acting, feeling, thinking. It’s shocking I imagine it’s like when your home gets hit by a hurricane. You’re left standing there wondering how everything you thought you had and knew is suddenly gone and you can’t understand why or how it happened.

Therapy is going well for me though. I’ve learned about lot about why I focus so much on trying to help him and worrying about him. It is because I care and desperately want him to find relief for his suffering, but also, my focus on that helps me not think about or feel the pain all of this has inflicted on me. But I have to face that to process it.