Adult BPD Daughter Is Walking Away

[CAP1960]

Well my 2.5 year experiment didn’t end well.  For some reason I thought I could live 3 doors down from my married with children daughter and be my own person.  I had to move away because I was suffering with severe anxiety so bad I ended up in immediate care twice thinking I was having a heart attack.  We loved and now I’m being punished so it’s not over.  She told
Me a month ago now she is gay or at least bisexual.  She doesn’t care about her children or her husband.  She is seeing someone and is now leaving the country for a month with uncertainty as to who is caring for the children.  Her husband is away at school so it’s not him.  I’m still having panic attacks at her irresponsible behavior and lack of contact with me. 
I don’t know how to get her out of my mind.  I don’t want to know her.  She is mean to me and I know she doesn’t like me.  Why do I keep persisting with her?  I’m much better off without he even though it’s likely she’ll trash me with her children.  I’m deeply burdened.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hey Cap and welcome.  Deep breaths, my friend, deep breaths.  I've been there and remember those feelings all too well.

First, you're responsible for you.  Your daughter is responsible for herself and her kids.  However, you are not responsible for your daughter because she's a grown adult living her best life.

As I read your post, I see two completely different things happening.  You're stressed out and realize the need to move away.

However, I also see why you need to move away- your daughter is destroying her marriage, not responsible for the kids, abusive to you, in bi-sexual relationships, etc.

I just wanted to point out here that everything your daughter says, and everything she does, has nothing at all to do with you.  You're free to move away and write her out of your life at any time...if that's what's best for your mental health.

In other words, it doesn't matter that she's leaving the country.  Or that she's cheating or her husband.  Or that she's a lousy mom.

All of that is on her, they're her decisions and she needs to deal with the consequences.

What does matter is how she treats you directly and how it makes you feel.  That's something you can control and where your focus should be.

Developing healthy boundaries is about telling others to live their own life...but not to step on your toes while they do it.  My BPD kid also left her husband for a lesbian relationship.  She's also disappeared for days at a time, quit jobs on a moments notice, and brought all kinds of chaos into her world. 

I had to learn the hard way, all that stuff is on her and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I couldn't carry her burdens or accept abuse while paying her bills.  I had to cut all that out for our relationship to even have a chance, and years later things are 1000x better.  But i had to stop walking on eggshells first and separate her problems from my problems.

I hope that helps!

[CAP1960]

Thanks Pook.  I appreciate your experienced words.  Sometimes I’m so angry I never want things to get better.  I just feel confused and angry.  In time I pray I can let those feelings diminish to be replaced by better thoughts.  I also often feel like I’m the one with the BPD.  I question my sanity. 

[Pook075]

Thanks Pook.  I appreciate your experienced words.  Sometimes I’m so angry I never want things to get better.  I just feel confused and angry.  In time I pray I can let those feelings diminish to be replaced by better thoughts.  I also often feel like I’m the one with the BPD.  I question my sanity. 

Yeah, I get that.  It comes from the psychological abuse that you have no idea what to do with.  But you need to understand that your kid is sick and she's making bad choices.  You can support her through that (while being abused and taken for granted) or you can choose to focus on what's important for your wellbeing.

I'm preaching to the choir here because I got it wrong for a very long time.  It's so hard to be in the middle of it and see things objectively.  Once you step back though, the world becomes a lot clearer and here's what you'll find- she's a wreck with you in her life, and she'll be a wreck without you in her life.  The only difference is whether you'll be a wreck with her or not.

Get some distance from this and things become clearer- she has to stand on her own and live with her own mistakes.  That's what a loving parent has to do, let their kids fall flat on their faces when they're out of control. 

Your way hasn't worked, so let her have her way 100%...let her fail and struggle...because that's what will help her realize that she needs to change.

[CAP1960]

Thank you - sincerely.  I know you’re right on this and since I’ve moved away I can breathe without feeling like I’m having a heart attack.  I’m getting some help so I can sort that out and feel heard.  Not a soul around me understands what I’m going through other than my husband, yet I’m seem desperate to share and feel validated.  I think I do this because I can’t believe I have to walk away from her in order to feel safe.  I think I care too much what others think… “how can that mother just walk away from her daughter and grandchildren who need so much right now?”   But maybe that’s not true.  Maybe she’s telling me she doesn’t need me at all.  I guess that hurts but I think it just says I can’t have a healthy relationship with her.  Thank you for listening!

[CC43]

I'm sorry you're feeling torn apart by your daughter's predicaments.  Unfortunately, that's a common feeling on these boards.

I like Pook's summary:  she's a mess with or without you, and you decide if you want to join in the mess.

I'm thinking, maybe you look at things this way.  When you step in to help/save your daughter, do you step in because you think she's incompetent?  Do you step in because you know she'll make a bad decision, and you want to prevent her from experiencing the negative consequences?  Maybe your daughter picks up on that negativity--she thinks that you think she's a basket case, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy?  Not only that, but she blames you for her problems anyway?  Maybe now is the time to start to think, my daughter is an adult, and she's capable.  She knows what she needs.  She should be allowed to make the decision that's best for her right now.  And even if she doesn't, she'll figure things out.  She's resourceful, she's capable.  Maybe that will become the self-fulfilling prophesy, if you LET her.  Look, failure can be a wonderful teacher, maybe even more effective than advice from a loving parent.  I'd say, try not to get in the way of letting her figure things out.  She's not a little kid anymore.  If she crashes and burns, maybe she decides that the only thing left to do is to get some help from professionals, in the form of therapy.  That's what happened to my BPD stepdaughter, and she's turned her life around.  Though she still struggles with intense emotions, her self-destructive behaviors have diminished so much that I doubt she'd qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore.  Now, her dad and I continue to support her, but it feels like we CHOOSE to support her because she's on track and moving in the right direction.  And she's not treating us like dirt anymore.  Make sense?

[CAP1960]

Yes.  I know you’re all correct.  Sometimes I feel so vulnerable I can’t shake the feelings of blame.  I was born into a household of I was always to blame.  So now with my daughter I feel either way I’m to blame: she walks away from me and it’s my fault because she doesn’t want it need me in her life OR it’s my fault because I don’t do enough for her.  Either way I sabotage myself.  I’m venting here like a journal because I know someone will read my words and understand.  This site and all that’s on it, has been a valuable release.  I guess I’m not going crazy after all. 

[CC43]

No, you’re not crazy. In fact you want to love your daughter like a normal parent. Her pain has become your pain. You’re not sure what’s worst—when she ignores your well-meaning advice, suffering the consequences of her poor choices, or wondering why she’s mean and irresponsible, after all the love and support you’ve provided.  I bet you ask why she turned out this way, sabotaging her life and yours, seemingly at every turn. Well, that’s BPD. But I bet you recall some good times too, and her good qualities, dangled in front of you and giving you a glimmer of hope, thinking she can be normal and charming when she wants to be. You’re likely mourning the loss of a normal parent-child relationship, and you worry about the grandkids. That isn’t crazy at all. You are caring and concerned. But your daughter is battling BPD, and she’s not getting the therapy she needs, because her life is working for her, and she doesn’t think she needs therapy. You can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do until she’s ready. It’s out of your hands. All you can do is protect your own health and well-being. In fact, I think you should model for your daughter and grandkids what a healthy adult’s lifestyle looks like. That includes taking care of you.

[Pook075]

Yes.  I know you’re all correct.  Sometimes I feel so vulnerable I can’t shake the feelings of blame.  I was born into a household of I was always to blame.  So now with my daughter I feel either way I’m to blame: she walks away from me and it’s my fault because she doesn’t want it need me in her life OR it’s my fault because I don’t do enough for her.  Either way I sabotage myself.  I’m venting here like a journal because I know someone will read my words and understand.  This site and all that’s on it, has been a valuable release.  I guess I’m not going crazy after all. 

I understand this all too well with a BPD daughter and a BPD ex-wife.  Things were terrible in my household for a very long time but I was so used to accepting everyone's abuse, it just felt normal.  I had lost myself during those years because I refused to fight any longer, and I let the BPDs in my life walk all over me.

I'm sharing this to say that although they had mental health problems, so did I.  Not because I was "crazy", but because I was so deep in two abusive relationships where my needs never mattered that I wasn't thinking straight anymore.  I was depressed and broken inside, without even realizing how much my life had changed because I gave so much of my energy and attention to two people who never gave it back.

Right now, you're in that same place and you're so focused on what others will think, you're losing sight of what you actually need for your own mental health.  If people think you're a bad mom, then so be it.  Let them walk a mile in your shoes before judging.  If your daughter resents you for putting yourself first, so be it as well.  She doesn't get to abuse you while also blaming you for her own mistakes.

You took the biggest step- you moved away and allowed yourself the chance to start healing.  Good for you.  The way you see this situation today is not how you'll see it in a month from now, or a year from now.  The abuse is still too fresh, you need to heal from it and find yourself once again.  And there's no timelines for how that happens, everyone is different.

For now, my best advice is to be selfish for a bit and focus on yourself.  Get back to doing the things you love to do, and get out of the house to enjoy the world.  Get back into old hobbies, take walks around the neighborhood, and let yourself just be in the moment and experience the peace that's in your life right now.  That's how we heal, that's how we move on.

[CAP1960]

Pook - my eyes are welling up with tears and my heart is feeling full and understood in reading your words.  This is EXACTLY how I feel and EXACTLY how I must go forward.  Your words are not only comforting they are tools to work with and live by.  Thank you warmly .   

[Pook075]

Pook - my eyes are welling up with tears and my heart is feeling full and understood in reading your words.  This is EXACTLY how I feel and EXACTLY how I must go forward.  Your words are not only comforting they are tools to work with and live by.  Thank you warmly .   

I'm so glad that helped- my heart really goes out to you because I can remember that pain all so well.  Each month my perspective changed though and the further I got from the chaos, the more I began to feel like myself again.  I remembered hobbies and passions I had completely forgotten, and found myself genuinely laughing at a random TV show or something around town. 

I was finding joy again and that's what actually heals us (at least in my experience).

This is all still so fresh for you, it's going to take some time for new perspectives to come to the surface.  But at least for now, you can wait for them in a safe place without the abuse.  You have a brand new start in life and it's a gift...so many never get that gift.  So enjoy it and go easy on yourself for not always getting it right.  None of us did.

May God bless you on your journey- I'm praying for you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CAP1960]

Pook I am blessed with your kind quiet words.  I connected with a the mom of my sons friend from years ago and asked her how her daughter was doing and she said she didn’t know because she keeps her distance.  She said Sarah makes her feel bad about herself so she stopped seeing and talking to her. 
When I heard that I suddenly felt at ease at knowing it could be that simple.  It seemed like it made sense on that moment.  I’ve been having easier days thanks to this and the messaging that is abundant non this site .  Thank you as always

[Pook075]

Pook I am blessed with your kind quiet words.  I connected with a the mom of my sons friend from years ago and asked her how her daughter was doing and she said she didn’t know because she keeps her distance.  She said Sarah makes her feel bad about herself so she stopped seeing and talking to her. 
When I heard that I suddenly felt at ease at knowing it could be that simple.  It seemed like it made sense on that moment.  I’ve been having easier days thanks to this and the messaging that is abundant non this site .  Thank you as always

The first time I cut my daughter out of my life, she was around 20 or 21.  There was so much chaos that I couldn't find myself anymore, all my thoughts were about what she did or what she'll do next.  My wife threw her out and our kid hated both of us, refusing to apologize or try to make things right.  But it was exactly what she needed- to experience the world on her own without her parents support.  It forced her to grow up and make adult decisions on her own.

In time, she started reaching out and my mind went racing again...oh God, it's going to start all over again.  But because we had time apart and I was able to heal, making healthy boundaries came much easier.  I'd say we want to see you, want you to be around more, but not at the expense of being abused. 

She had to make the choice...to love her parents or push them away...and it had nothing to do with me.

Today, I don't have to play those games anymore because my kid genuinely changed.  The abuse is 100% gone and she appreciates me.  I'd even say that we're close.  But my kid had to find who she was on her own and make a decision to deal with her mental health, to stop being a terror to those that loved her.

This is all so incredibly hard, but you're only in control of your own life.  Let your kid experience the world and make tough decisions without you.  It will be tough to sit idle when she's making bad choices, but remember that those mistakes are what actually allows her to grow.

When she reaches out, be kind and supportive as much as she'll allow you.  But at the same time, you always come first and if she's abusive, then you must withdraw.  Make up a lie if you have to, you have food on the stove or were just about to walk out the door...anything to end the conversation without directly judging her or fighting back. 

The message will become clear in time- they support me when I treat them well, they pull back when I don't.  That's the only lesson you have to teach at this point.  Everything else can be taught by her life choices and the consequences.

I hope that helps!

[CAP1960]

Many thanks for the support. I’ve been trying to stay centered about where she is and where I need to be.  I need to feel safe and healthy again.  I have allowed her and her chaos to destroy me inside and out, so right now I have a lot of resentment and I am not feeling compassion for her.  She lies and uses people.  She used me and now spit me out.  This is the type of person I can’t have in my life.  Yes I’m hurt but that I can go over in in time.  As I replace positive experiences with my other children and family members, she becomes more distant.  I feel more safe. One day if she finds her way back to us, it may be different but I’m not going to hold my breath.  I miss
My granddaughters but it is at too great a price to engage that situation.  Maybe for her too.  I can accept that.  Life is freer without her and maybe that’s just the way it needs to be for both of us.  You all are absolutely the best! 

[Pook075]

Many thanks for the support. I’ve been trying to stay centered about where she is and where I need to be.  I need to feel safe and healthy again.  I have allowed her and her chaos to destroy me inside and out, so right now I have a lot of resentment and I am not feeling compassion for her.  She lies and uses people.  She used me and now spit me out.  This is the type of person I can’t have in my life.  Yes I’m hurt but that I can go over in in time.  As I replace positive experiences with my other children and family members, she becomes more distant.  I feel more safe. One day if she finds her way back to us, it may be different but I’m not going to hold my breath.  I miss
My granddaughters but it is at too great a price to engage that situation.  Maybe for her too.  I can accept that.  Life is freer without her and maybe that’s just the way it needs to be for both of us.  You all are absolutely the best! 

I remember those feelings so well, ranting about my BPD kid and how she "wronged me."  Now I understand that she was mentally ill and wasn't trying to be abusive, she was just trying to survive while living off emotions.

It took me many, many months to switch from anger to compassion...that's completely normal as we process stressful situations and find our truth.  It's the same as going through anything else in life and experiencing the stages of grief, the acceptance part is a good ways down the road for you still.

That's okay though, just keep being you and rediscover your life.  It sounds complicated right now because you still have a trauma bond in place.  In time though, you'll realize that you're free of that and life is so much simpler without all that chaos.

[CAP1960]

Thank you Pook.  I’m very touched by the depth of your words.  I’m getting there each day looking for the meaningful moments that are replacing the chaos and dysfunction.  It’s not a straight line and probably never will be.  Maybe one day she’ll see me as a person who gave what I could,  maybe one day I won’t be an enemy.  Maybe one day I’ll feel whole and free.  Accepting of my life as it has presented itself to me.  Bless you and all that you’ve been through and for sharing with me. 

[Pook075]

Maybe one day she’ll see me as a person who gave what I could,  maybe one day I won’t be an enemy.  Maybe one day I’ll feel whole and free. 

I hope for these things for you as well, and I'm truly blessed to have a great relationship with my BPD daughter today.

But I'll also caution you here, don't dwell on "maybes" right now...what she says/does can not alter how you see yourself.  She's sick and looking at you through a jaded lens.  You're also sick from years of abuse that you didn't deserve.  You're making a break from that though and your mind will heal as it begins to see a new reality.

Please understand, this is not your fault- you did the best you could in a horrible situation.  This is not your kid's fault either that she thinks differently and has mental illness.  Nobody wins in these situations and that's why your happiness can't be tied to her dysfunction.

However, your healing will also have a profound effect on her life long term.  When she become abusive a year from now, you will respond in a different way.  And that will make her second-guess everything; why don't we have the same chaos?  What's actually changing here?  Your boundaries and healthy decisions will help her heal as well.

For now though, it's all baby steps.  You need to focus on you and realize that the sunrise is the start to a brand new day, full of sunshine and opportunity.  Today, you're not who you were yesterday, and you'll change just a little bit more tomorrow.  That's real growth, real healing, and it takes place one day at a time.

So don't worry about the finish line right now.  Just worry about what the next step is for you personally to make tomorrow a better day than today was.  Keep doing that and you'll be in an amazing new place before you know it.

[CAP1960]

Thank you - I’m heading in the right direction.  I’m curious how you continue to be here when things are going so well for you.  You seem to have a gift at lending support for us “suffering” types.  If that’s the case,  well done and thanks.  I do hope you find what you need to continue strengthening the skills to cope or be better at life in this sometimes mad world.  Self kindness doesn't come easy for parents of bpds. We look for reasons ejy this happened snd often blame ourselves.  The shortest distance is often the easiest.  This site is a blessing. 

[Pook075]

Thank you - I’m heading in the right direction.  I’m curious how you continue to be here when things are going so well for you.  You seem to have a gift at lending support for us “suffering” types.  If that’s the case,  well done and thanks.  I do hope you find what you need to continue strengthening the skills to cope or be better at life in this sometimes mad world.  Self kindness doesn't come easy for parents of bpds. We look for reasons ejy this happened snd often blame ourselves.  The shortest distance is often the easiest.  This site is a blessing. 

I was in an ugly spot a few years back when my marriage suddenly ended, and I realized afterwards that my ex-wife likely had quiet BPD.  I had already seen traditional BPD in my kid for a decade and it seemed so different...it couldn't be the same, could it?  But then I realized, where my kid would explode, my wife would shut down and get depressed.  It was exactly the same though and somehow I had just missed it across 23 years of marriage.  It messed with me hard.

After some time though, I realized that I was going to be okay and I arrived at having compassion for my ex- it's not her fault that she thinks differently and sabotaged our marriage too many times to count.  I played a role as well and could have done better. 

Through all of that though I realized what a blessing it is to help others in the same place, and I realized I was one of the few here that have faced both types of BPD and had success with them as well.  My ex is still in denial but we have a great relationship now, while my kid went all-in on therapy and really changed her life.  So I happily share what I can from a unique perspective, how compassion and love (with a mix of healthy boundaries) can overcome all of this.

The other thing is that you and I, we're sort of in this together.  Nobody understands any of this and the advice from the outside world is horrible, it will only make things worse.  So I want to be here as a voice that understands, a voice that relates and lifts people up when they're going through the worst of it.

In a nutshell, your story is my story...and my story had a happy ending.  So I'm hoping that yours does too someday.