How to manage contact with mother during own mental health challenges

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I'm trying to figure out a way of managing contact with my mother who very likely suffers from BPD. She is not diagnosed but has many traits (and some narcissistic traits).

From when I was nine, she was the main caregiver for me and my younger brother. She has a trail of broken relationships including her siblings, nephews, former friends, my dad, my older half-siblings on my dad’s side. There is often drama, and she is never at fault. People argue with her, she never argues with anyone. She also has many positive sides – she can be charming, funny, energetic, creative, encouraging, generous, caring.

Our relationship has fluctuated over the years. It was difficult in my teens, living with her. She tended to offload her troubles on me. There were often arguments, and I ended up spending more time at friends’ houses than home. It improved when I left home and moved to another country. The distance was healthy. My younger brother ended up doing the same a few years later which also improved their relationship. Living alone, I think my mum improved. She lived near to where she grew up, her parents were nearby, she worked and connected with old and new friends. For a while I think she was quite contained, and my grandparents absorbed a lot of the emotional drama.

As long as I am “doing well” in her eyes, her behaviour towards me is fine—she’s proud and supportive. She puts me on a pedestal which can be both flattering and uncomfortable. I have suffered from anxiety since childhood, but I never shared my mental health issues with her until recent years, and I rarely opened up about personal problems. In moments when I have felt comfortable enough to discuss sensitive issues with her, she has then shared this with other family members or used it to support her arguments with other people—seemingly not understanding that this is breaking trust. Whenever I show any signs of “weakness” she became difficult to deal with, has tendencies to put me down and seems to demand more of me.

I have been going through a difficult period since the pandemic. My partner and I moved cities (where we didn’t know anyone), I went back to being a student to retrain, and we took on a major renovation project – a minute before the pandemic struck. The situation led to my mental health deteriorating; depression, insomnia, and panic-attacks. I keep quiet about my wellbeing to my family who were in my home country. During the post-pandemic confusion, I ended up visiting my mum for several weeks at a time. It was a (relatively) stable period in our relationship. Over the years leading up to this I had slipped into a pattern of spending more and more time with her when I visited, and less with other family members and old friends. So, staying with her for a few weeks at this point was fine. I kept my mental health difficulties quiet, and she was very happy to have me around.

My mother has always felt alienated by her family (without taking any responsibility for her part in the conflicts). Whilst staying with her, I (mistakenly) took on the role of the "rescuer" in one of her perpetual dramas with the extended family. After spending weeks on my own with her I ended up becoming her advocate in family issues. I genuinely thought I was helping her. It led to further rifts with the extended family who only would communicate through me, refusing to speak directly with my mother. My grandad had passed at this point, but my grandmother was still alive and got caught in the middle of the conflict. It was during this rather intense period that I started learning about BPD and recognised a lot of the behaviours in my mum. However, I was in no state of mind to view it objectively, instead I wanted to help her.

My efforts to play the diplomat didn't resolve anything—if anything, it made things difficult between me and my extended family, although at least it reopened my communication with them. My mum was pleased to have an "ally”, although this was never my intention. Perhaps this is where our relationship breakdown started. I think I fell into a level of co-dependency.

In the years following the pandemic I have worked hard to improve my mental wellbeing, dedicated years to our renovation project, on rebuilding my career and on trying to start a family. From my mother’s point of view – my life no longer looks like a “success” to her (she has told me this in various ways via passing comments). My mother would incessantly ask about career prospects, future plans, money, grandchildren. It all became too much, and I struggled to manage the relationship with my mother alongside other things in my life. When we saw each other, things were generally fine, these issues were usually brought up in text messages or phone calls, and it was easier to distract her in real life.

After my grandmother passed away my mother moved from a suburb to a more remote location and her communication became more frequent and demanding. She’s always been provocative, and I habitually deflect, but I could no longer deal with her (from my perspective) incessant questions and inappropriate advice, so slowly I withdrew / shut down. Arguments also erupted when I saw her in person, since I lacked the energy to “play along”. In the last year or so her communication towards me has turned more abusive (which I suspect previously had been directed towards other family members). There have been periods when I receive dozens of messages throughout the day and night – random messages and images, often not relevant to each other, and sometimes incoherent. This isn’t a new behaviour, but the content is different. They can involve critique directed to me or other family members – and can be deeply hurtful. Every message from her triggered a wave of anxiety.

I'm still working on improving my mental health. When I started therapy, I literally lost all energy to communicate with my mum—revisiting our relationship over the years with help from an objective professional. I opened up about our relationship; to my therapist and eventually to friends and family members who have been through similar things with her. From when I was a teenager (as far as I can remember), she would drill into me not to talk about her with anyone else, so it was pretty deep-seated fear, shame and guilt to talk about her. I ended up blocking her phone calls and messages for days and sometimes weeks at a time. During a family visit, my partner and I stayed with her one night and she acted as if nothing was wrong. I didn’t bring up any issues. She wanted me to come back and stay with her after my partner had gone back to our home, but I just couldn’t. I received more text messages and ended up on a video call where I tried to explain why I found it difficult to communicate with her. I unwisely reminded her of sensitive topics and brought up BPD. It sent her into a rage, and I hung up. Our contact has since been sporadic, over three months later. I haven’t called her once and only accidentally answered one call. I rarely answer texts.

I feel like the worse my mental health is (and the less "successful” I am in her eyes) - the more erratic her (text message) behaviour towards me. Over the past six months she has denounced her motherhood, disowned me, sent expressions of love, transferred money, repeatedly asked what she has done wrong, asked me for substantial favours, asked me why I hate her, etc. It feels like emotional bait. I feel guilty, I sometimes miss her, I'm often relieved not to speak to her, but most of all I'm frozen and don't know how to move forward with the contact.

I don't have the emotional energy to enter her self-absorbed world of drama. I will soon be travelling back to visit the rest of my family and friends. I haven't told her that I'm going but feel like I need to, and a part of me wants to, but I don’t know if I have the capacity.

Anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

[StormySeas]

I'm trying to figure out a way of managing contact with my mother who very likely suffers from BPD. She is not diagnosed but has many traits (and some narcissistic traits).

From when I was nine, she was the main caregiver for me and my younger brother. She has a trail of broken relationships including her siblings, nephews, former friends, my dad, my older half-siblings on my dad’s side. There is often drama, and she is never at fault. People argue with her, she never argues with anyone. She also has many positive sides – she can be charming, funny, energetic, creative, encouraging, generous, caring.

Our relationship has fluctuated over the years. It was difficult in my teens, living with her. She tended to offload her troubles on me. There were often arguments, and I ended up spending more time at friends’ houses than home. It improved when I left home and moved to another country. The distance was healthy. My younger brother ended up doing the same a few years later which also improved their relationship. Living alone, I think my mum improved. She lived near to where she grew up, her parents were nearby, she worked and connected with old and new friends. For a while I think she was quite contained, and my grandparents absorbed a lot of the emotional drama.

As long as I am “doing well” in her eyes, her behaviour towards me is fine—she’s proud and supportive. She puts me on a pedestal which can be both flattering and uncomfortable. I have suffered from anxiety since childhood, but I never shared my mental health issues with her until recent years, and I rarely opened up about personal problems. In moments when I have felt comfortable enough to discuss sensitive issues with her, she has then shared this with other family members or used it to support her arguments with other people—seemingly not understanding that this is breaking trust. Whenever I show any signs of “weakness” she became difficult to deal with, has tendencies to put me down and seems to demand more of me.

I have been going through a difficult period since the pandemic. My partner and I moved cities (where we didn’t know anyone), I went back to being a student to retrain, and we took on a major renovation project – a minute before the pandemic struck. The situation led to my mental health deteriorating; depression, insomnia, and panic-attacks. I keep quiet about my wellbeing to my family who were in my home country. During the post-pandemic confusion, I ended up visiting my mum for several weeks at a time. It was a (relatively) stable period in our relationship. Over the years leading up to this I had slipped into a pattern of spending more and more time with her when I visited, and less with other family members and old friends. So, staying with her for a few weeks at this point was fine. I kept my mental health difficulties quiet, and she was very happy to have me around.

My mother has always felt alienated by her family (without taking any responsibility for her part in the conflicts). Whilst staying with her, I (mistakenly) took on the role of the "rescuer" in one of her perpetual dramas with the extended family. After spending weeks on my own with her I ended up becoming her advocate in family issues. I genuinely thought I was helping her. It led to further rifts with the extended family who only would communicate through me, refusing to speak directly with my mother. My grandad had passed at this point, but my grandmother was still alive and got caught in the middle of the conflict. It was during this rather intense period that I started learning about BPD and recognised a lot of the behaviours in my mum. However, I was in no state of mind to view it objectively, instead I wanted to help her.

My efforts to play the diplomat didn't resolve anything—if anything, it made things difficult between me and my extended family, although at least it reopened my communication with them. My mum was pleased to have an "ally”, although this was never my intention. Perhaps this is where our relationship breakdown started. I think I fell into a level of co-dependency.

In the years following the pandemic I have worked hard to improve my mental wellbeing, dedicated years to our renovation project, on rebuilding my career and on trying to start a family. From my mother’s point of view – my life no longer looks like a “success” to her (she has told me this in various ways via passing comments). My mother would incessantly ask about career prospects, future plans, money, grandchildren. It all became too much, and I struggled to manage the relationship with my mother alongside other things in my life. When we saw each other, things were generally fine, these issues were usually brought up in text messages or phone calls, and it was easier to distract her in real life.

After my grandmother passed away my mother moved from a suburb to a more remote location and her communication became more frequent and demanding. She’s always been provocative, and I habitually deflect, but I could no longer deal with her (from my perspective) incessant questions and inappropriate advice, so slowly I withdrew / shut down. Arguments also erupted when I saw her in person, since I lacked the energy to “play along”. In the last year or so her communication towards me has turned more abusive (which I suspect previously had been directed towards other family members). There have been periods when I receive dozens of messages throughout the day and night – random messages and images, often not relevant to each other, and sometimes incoherent. This isn’t a new behaviour, but the content is different. They can involve critique directed to me or other family members – and can be deeply hurtful. Every message from her triggered a wave of anxiety.

I'm still working on improving my mental health. When I started therapy, I literally lost all energy to communicate with my mum—revisiting our relationship over the years with help from an objective professional. I opened up about our relationship; to my therapist and eventually to friends and family members who have been through similar things with her. From when I was a teenager (as far as I can remember), she would drill into me not to talk about her with anyone else, so it was pretty deep-seated fear, shame and guilt to talk about her. I ended up blocking her phone calls and messages for days and sometimes weeks at a time. During a family visit, my partner and I stayed with her one night and she acted as if nothing was wrong. I didn’t bring up any issues. She wanted me to come back and stay with her after my partner had gone back to our home, but I just couldn’t. I received more text messages and ended up on a video call where I tried to explain why I found it difficult to communicate with her. I unwisely reminded her of sensitive topics and brought up BPD. It sent her into a rage, and I hung up. Our contact has since been sporadic, over three months later. I haven’t called her once and only accidentally answered one call. I rarely answer texts.

I feel like the worse my mental health is (and the less "successful” I am in her eyes) - the more erratic her (text message) behaviour towards me. Over the past six months she has denounced her motherhood, disowned me, sent expressions of love, transferred money, repeatedly asked what she has done wrong, asked me for substantial favours, asked me why I hate her, etc. It feels like emotional bait. I feel guilty, I sometimes miss her, I'm often relieved not to speak to her, but most of all I'm frozen and don't know how to move forward with the contact.

I don't have the emotional energy to enter her self-absorbed world of drama. I will soon be travelling back to visit the rest of my family and friends. I haven't told her that I'm going but feel like I need to, and a part of me wants to, but I don’t know if I have the capacity.

Anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

[CC43]

Hi there,

It sounds like you have been through a lot.  I think that sometimes in life, there are rough patches.  Maybe they last for months or a couple of years at a time.  Big events in life--moving homes, changing jobs, getting married or divorced, having a kid, a sickness, a death in the family, a major life transition--can be a source of added stress.  If you face two or more of these big events simultaneously, it's almost expected that your mental health will take a hit.  Then when you add to that a BPD relative, or at least a very NEEDY relative--you can really feel strained.

I guess I'd say that you're right to focus more on yourself right now.  If you need some distance from your BPD / highly needy mom, then go ahead and take it.  That doesn't have to be forever . . . you could think of it as a little break, to help you get through a rough patch in life, until things settle down a bit.  During this time, you prioritize your own health.  For me, that would look like being sure to eat right, getting enough sleep and getting exercise too.  I'd focus on my main commitments--for example work and immediate family--while taking a break from most secondary commitments.  Maybe I say No to taking on any extra projects or commitments, at least until I get my own life back on track.  Does that sound appealing to you?

[Notwendy]

I'm trying to figure out a way of managing contact with my mother who very likely suffers from BPD. She is not diagnosed but has many traits (and some narcissistic traits).

She also has many positive sides – she can be charming, funny, energetic, creative, encouraging, generous, caring.

Our relationship has fluctuated over the years. It was difficult in my teens, living with her. She tended to offload her troubles on me. There were often arguments, and I ended up spending more time at friends’ houses than home. It improved when I left home and moved to another country. The distance was healthy.

Whenever I show any signs of “weakness” she became difficult to deal with, has tendencies to put me down and seems to demand more of me.

From when I was a teenager (as far as I can remember), she would drill into me not to talk about her with anyone else, so it was pretty deep-seated fear, shame and guilt to talk about her.

I feel like the worse my mental health is (and the less "successful” I am in her eyes) - the more erratic her (text message) behaviour towards me. Over the past six months she has denounced her motherhood, disowned me, sent expressions of love, transferred money, repeatedly asked what she has done wrong, asked me for substantial favours, asked me why I hate her, etc. It feels like emotional bait. I feel guilty, I sometimes miss her, I'm often relieved not to speak to her, but most of all I'm frozen and don't know how to move forward with the contact.

I don't have the emotional energy to enter her self-absorbed world of drama. I will soon be travelling back to visit the rest of my family and friends. I haven't told her that I'm going but feel like I need to, and a part of me wants to, but I don’t know if I have the capacity.

Anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

I have highlighted some of the experiences that were similar to mine. Except for money- BPD mother used money as a form of control, so it was best for me to not accept money from her.

My parents remained married. My father was a main emotional caretaker/provider for her. I was able to maintain a relationship with both of them during short visits. They didn't live very close to me but I could still get there by car. It was when Dad got sick and eventually passed, and I spent more time with them, experiencing BPD mother's behaviors- and the insomnia, panic attacks over visits, that I realized I had to have boundaries and limited contact, in addition to keeping the geographical distance.

I didn't want to have no contact with my BPD mother but also had to decide on how to maintain some kind of contact. In a situation where you are visiting family who are connected to her, for my situation, it wouldn't be practical to not tell her or not see her. She'd have found out that I was there. To be left out would feel hurtful and humiliating to her. I didn't want to do that.

Although we are going to feel what we feel, as adults, we have choices, and so can take steps to manage the feelings logically. I decided not to stay with my mother in her home. If I stayed in a hotel or with someone else, I had a space where I could feel safe. I also tried to not be alone with her. She held it together in front of other family and friends and so the visits went better that way. I also kept visits shorter and focused on something- like visiting for coffee or lunch for a few hours rather than a long unstructured time.

I also planned for self care after the visit- driving home through a scenic route even if it took longer, doing something nice for myself, taking long walks. It doesn't have to be something big.

Your own emotional well being comes first. If you can not handle any contact- then don't do it. I think it helps to see this as a choice. If I chose some contact, I also had to decide how to manage that.

Reading up on Karpman triangle dynamics helped. BPD mother perceived herself as in victim mode. BPD mother also could not connect her own behavior to the reactions of others to it. She felt as if people were hurting her and in self defense, become the persecutor on the Karpman triangle. It was better to not discuss emotional topics with her. She would discuss her feelings and it was best to just listen if she did.

[StormySeas]

Thank you both for your advice.

It’s helpful to be reminded that multiple stresses in life is overwhelming for anyone. For me, it’s easy to forget that I don’t have endless capacity to take on new things. Allowing myself to prioritise self-care and narrow my focus to main commitments is very good advice. Thank you.

I appreciate to hear the perspective from someone who has been in a similar position. It’s helpful to read that you actively used strategies for self-care in connection with visits. I have not been doing this in the past—I have not even considered what my own needs are.

During longer unstructured visits, I go expecting to adjust to her and to avoid triggering an emotional episode and getting hurt. When an episode is brewing, I either try to distract her or withdraw. She usually accepts this if I have a work project that I can do remotely, even though she keeps interrupting. When my partner is there, he is excellent at distracting her and remaining level-headed, but visits are exhausting for him. Almost without exception, every visit will have at least one explosive argument.

For some reason, I feel like I “owe” her my time, especially when it’s just me. I feel like she should be the one I visit first and the most, otherwise I’m doing something wrong. It’s a really difficult adjustment to prioritise seeing other people and my own needs – and to feel OK with this. The house she lives in now has a tiny self-contained flat attached to it. She says moved there for me, for me to have a space in my home country– but I have never had the opportunity to be there independently, she is always there. I think distancing myself from this environment completely might be sensible, planning shorter meetups on more neutral ground.

Reading up on the Karpman triangle is also a good call. “BPD mother perceived herself as in victim mode. BPD mother also could not connect her own behavior to the reactions of others to it.” – this is exactly the case for my mother. It’s difficult to know if it’s lack of awareness or denial. In practice, it doesn’t matter. If I ask her to reflect on the impact of her words/behaviour on other people, her defence mechanisms are activated. It’s hard to avoid emotional topics because that is her default. She keeps prodding and regurgitating the same issues, but never resolving anything. To have an objective framework to go back to is probably helpful to avoid being swept away into a fully emotional response.

Thank you both for replying, for the advice and for sharing. I really appreciate it.

[Notwendy]

For my mother, visits were about doing things for her or about her in some way. For some reason, people doing things for her met an emotional need. In a way, she "grew" into this reason in her elder years, as it's normal for elderly people to need assistance, so visits were times to do things she needed.

I would visit, with good intentions and do things she needed, errands, and, at the end of the visit, she'd decide something I did or didn't do "upset her". I realized- as you did when you realized a visit was going to include an argument, that a visit with her seemed to have at least something she would not be pleased about, even if I tried what I could.

We didn't have arguments as I was emotionally guarded, and didn't want to argue. Where before, I would feel hopeful that the visit would go well and then feel sad that it didn't, I let go of this expectation and just focused on not being emotionally reactive. To my mother- me doing things for her was what she emotionally wanted- and so, I just went along with it, and there were things that were needed to do. There wasn't any point in arguing, it didn't change anything.

Her extended family lived nearby but I mostly focused on seeing her. I didn't have the conflict you have with going to another country and multiple people to visit.

I don't think we ever feel comfortable having boundaries or considering our own needs in relation to our BPD mothers.  It is normal to do this but it's not acceptable behavior to them and we do care about our relationship with them. I think we just do the best we can to manage the relationship while also having the necessary boundaries for our own emotional well being.

I also felt an obligation to maintain contact and visit, although after visits would result in me driving home in tears from the critical things she said, I decreased the frequency because it seemed so discouraging. My primary reason to drive the distance and visit was to see her. I wondered if it even mattered to her that I did, other than to do things for her. Although I had let go of hope that visits would go better, I think I still had some glimmer of hope for that.

I tried to  focus  on doing the best I could  according to my own standards, because I don't think anything I did could meet her expectations. I think this is just how it feels.