A rock and a hard place

[Discovery50]

After listening to the audio book of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I felt like my soul had been discovered! I felt validated! Before knowing anything about this book, I wrote a therapist stating that I’m tired of "walking on eggshells with my wife and now see my young daughter doing the same." This was in an effort to seek assistance for our daughter (and me) due to the emotional/verbal abuse from my wife and for support for our daughter in contemplation of what I thought was an upcoming divorce.

I remember consulting several attorneys over the years trying to find out what my rights were and my chances of getting custody of our daughter in a divorce. This was when she was just a toddler. I saw BP behaviors before, but after our daughter was born it became scary. I was scared for my wife and for our daughter. The episodes of explosive anger and passive aggressive behavior were increasing by the week. The marriage has now consisted of nearly two decades of a marriage and never knowing what my wife's true feelings are, begging her to talk to me only to get the silent treatment for months, being accused of cheating with any female that I work with and others who I've known before being married, making excuses for my wife's anger and verbally and emotionally abusive behavior towards our daughter (and me), being afraid to leave my daughter home alone with my wife for fear of her bullying our daughter in taking her anger with me out on our daughter, shielding our daughter from my wife's inappropriate behavior by leaving the house or doing something silly to distract our daughter with humor.

The constant roller coaster of emotions, from utter madness to pitiful remorse, to accusing me of "making" her say that she was sorry for her behavior, has made me feel at times as if I was losing my mind - literally. The one thing that I have always been able to hold as a hallmark characteristic of my wife was that she was never known to entertain the affections of another man. I would always say to myself that if I would ever find out that she had the audacity to have an emotional or physical affair with another man, I would leave her. I felt that way because I've swallowed my pride for years in attempts to break through her cold silent treatment attacks of turning her back to me in bed when I would try to open a conversation with her, sighing as if I'm boring her when I would ask her to at least answer me or cowering down during her explosive episodes of anger in an attempt to de-escalate her behavior in front of our daughter. Then it happened - I discovered that she was having what appeared to be, at the least, an emotional affair with a co-worker. I felt devastated. I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed at winning her love - at being the one to show her how to love. When confronted with the evidence I'd gathered (emails between the two of them that she denied ever happened), she told me, "So what! That's nothing! You don't have anything on me!" She said, "I don't get emotionally involved, that's what you do!" At that point, I knew what co-dependency was. What I thought would had been an easy decision turned into another year of her enjoying the torture I was going through trying to keep the marriage while she made it clear that she would continue to communicate with the guy.

After about a year from finding out about my wife's emotional affair with a co-worker, I received a call from an old admirer. I must admit, it was like heaven to get a call from someone who admired me after years of being ignored, devalued and unappreciated. She asked if it would be ok if we'd have lunch sometime, since she knew I was married. I excitedly agreed. The lunch “get-together” turned into several phone calls for weeks following. After long, we moved from lunch dates to going to the movies and ultimately the inevitable happened when you play with fire. I can't explain the inescapable guilt that I feel. I can never really enjoy what this affair offers me but I feel like a fool when I push the one person away, out of guilt, who sees me and wants me and appreciates me. I now have developed feeling for her because my wife was right, I’m into emotions. But I still love my wife and still pray for and deep down desire deliverance from the torture of a loveless marriage and a life of adultery. The affair seemed to be a way for me to take care of myself (as crazy as that may sound in that I know this is not how one takes care of oneself) and prevent our daughter from going through a divorce with someone who I know I wouldn't be able to communicate with if she doesn't communicate with me now. I will admit that my affair has become a place of refuge and peace for me while my wife continues to go through the roller coaster of emotions of loving and hating me and expecting me to live this way “till death do us part”. Our daughter is doing well academically and socially. But she's a high school student and I know she's smart enough to see that her mother and I are faking it! I never wanted this for our child and pray that she, through open communication and unconditional love from her parents, will make better decisions than we did in her relationships. Wishful and prayerful thinking!

If anyone out there who's dealing with a BPD resulted in them having an affair to escape the pain, please share how you got back on track. I don't want to continue to live like this!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Discovery,

I now have developed feeling for her because my wife was right, I’m into emotions.

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, a r/s with a pwBPD is really difficult, I don't agree with that statement, because about 90% of what a pwBPD say is about themselves, I think that she was projecting. A pwBPD feel their emotions so intensely that it affects interpersonal r/s's because they can't reciprocate someone else's feelings.

If anyone out there who's dealing with a BPD resulted in them having an affair to escape the pain, please share how you got back on track. I don't want to continue to live like this!

Are you seeing a T? ( Therapist ) This is a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated for them. Are you in a still in a r/s with the other person? I mentioned a T, are you in marriage counselling with your wife?


PS The lessons are on the right side of the board 

[Discovery50]

Thanks so much for your feedback! I am still seeing the other lady. We had a long conversation today about after I confessed to the emotional and now physical toll of being in this negative space. We talked about creating distance between us to give me room to address my marital issues. And in bit seeing a therapist but can't seem to be able to find one. My wife is and has been reluctant to see a therapist, individually or couples. She's been that way for years now. I'm at a point where I know I need to see a therapist soon.

[Mutt]

Hi Discover50,

How did the conversation go? Your wife isn't interested in seeing a T for now, fine so be it. I think that you have the right idea with finding a T, I'd suggest find one soon and do individual counseling.

[Meili]

I want to join Mutt in welcoming you.

If anyone out there who's dealing with a BPD resulted in them having an affair to escape the pain, please share how you got back on track. I don't want to continue to live like this!

I didn't have a physical affair, but I had an emotional affair to escape the pain with my dBPDexw. It was a really bad decision that only made matters worse.

I am still seeing the other lady.

At some point, you are going to have to decide which relationship you want to keep and let go of the woman that you don't decide to cultivate a relationship with.

I think that giving yourself distance to work on you is a great idea! You can't truly be involved with anyone when you are no longer yourself. I hope that you can find a therapist soon and that helps you on the path of healing. When we are in a fragile emotional state, it is real hard to not fall victim to the euphoric feelings that come from validation and adoration.

The good news is that a non can learn to self-validate and self-adore so it won't need to come from an external source. How are you doing on that front?