Hello

[Woodpecker2017]

Hi, I've just joined. My partner recently self identified as having "BPD tendencies". Although this was a relief after many years struggle with intermitent BPD patterns,  outbreaks of hostility , criticism, accusations etc, have continued to the point where I often feel quite hopeless. My partner most of the time is lovely , and has come such a llong way, but I walk on eggshells. I know that is my problem , though it seems like a no win situation - if I stay silent about something  I'm 'dishonest', if I speak up I'm 'selfish'. .Despite the love between us, and my attempts (as I see it ) to listen, empathise,  acknowledge my own character flaws, be as honest as I can about what Ive got wrong, and be generally supportive and undemanding , I'm regularlly and angrily accused  of lacking empathy, of being disloyal, selfish,  grandiose,  etc and more.  Its "all my fault". It seems like my partners mood, feelings and behaviour towards me can change in the blink of an eye, or a misplaced word by me .My partner is very special and dear to me, and I express this. But Ive become scared to express positive thoughts about other people, or get "too close"  to friends as this  often seems to be a  trigger for hostility towards me, sometimes immediately. sometimes weeks or months after (with words and situations taken out of context) .  I can see how this isolates me. From what ive read here , this is pretty much the norm .i know there are no easy answers .Just hope to learn and get some support. I'm scared to post, which I suppose shows how much I need to break the isolation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

 Hi Woodpecker2017,
 
 
 
I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you've found us there, is hope. Mnay of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you're not alone.
 

I'm regularlly and angrily accused  of lacking empathy, of being disloyal, selfish,  grandiose,  etc and more.

 A pwBPD have a difficult time seeing people as an integrated whole, they see the world and the people in it as black or white,they can't see that grey area in life where a lot people live in, good people have bad qualities and bad people have good qualities. You're either all good or all bad, this polarized view is distorted and it can make us feel anxious and depressed.

It helps to connect with family and friends to balance this perspective, they can offer you feedback about you that is not all negative, that's also positive. What's you support network like? Do you spend time with others?
 

Its "all my fault". It seems like my partners mood, feelings and behaviour towards me can change in the blink of an eye, or a misplaced word by me

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, a pwBPD can't regulate their emotions or self sooth, feelings are quick silver to a pwBPD. Feelings equals facts, what a pwBPD in that moment is fact to them whereas feelings are followed by facts to the non disordered partner, a pwBPD feel intensely and mood shifts rapidly as I mentioned earlier.
 
Also, a pwBPD are highly sensitive to rejection, you could say that they're HSP's ( Highly Sensitive People ) and are constantly on the look out for rejection, perceived or re.
 
 I just want to make clear that I'm not absolving a pwBPD's behaviors when I state the following, it's not intentional, it's not something that a pwBPD can control. Having said that, a person with a mental illness has an obligation to get help for themselves, good mental health is hard to obtain. Seperate yourself from her behaviors, learn as much as you can about BPD, it helps with depersonalizing the behavior and also normalizing it.
 

I'm scared to post, which I suppose shows how much I need to break the isolation.

I can understand that it can be scary, you can post at your leisure from a computer, smart phone etc... .there's always someone here that gets what it's like being in a r/s with a pwBPD. You're not alone.

[Woodpecker2017]

Thanks for your reply, everything you've written is very helpful. I have a lot to learn about my own reactions I think.