Contacting In-Laws

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

This has been on my mind for the last few weeks. After a 17-year marriage and almost 20-year r/s, my ustbxPBDw is filing for divorce. I was close to her Step-Father and our Nieces and Nephews, who grew from children to adults during our r/s. I really want to send them a letter saying that I love them and will miss them. I don't know if they even know of the split, or if PwBPD has repeated the paranoid and false accusations to them that she made to me. I am feeling the urge to a) say goodbye for closure and b) reach out to push back against any slandering she may have done.

I haven't done anything yet as I've waited for things to get clearer. My T says a) the sentiment is nice but not yet and b) what others believe is not in my control and that I shouldn't fear or seek to defend what they may or may not believe. I'm struggling to accept that. My self-esteem has been beaten down over the years with pwBPD and it is difficult to rely on my own knowledge of who I am and not look to others for validation.

Anyway, I'm working on rebuilding myself as I detach from my pwBPD. The loss of my partner (even my idealized version of her) is only compounded by all the other things that I will be losing, including the investment of care, love, and affection that I put into and received from her family. I suppose this is more of a general divorce issue rather than one involving BPD.

Thought I'd throw it out there. The FOG is lifting.
--
Cheers,
RP

[RedPill]

Hi all,

This has been on my mind for the last few weeks. After a 17-year marriage and almost 20-year r/s, my ustbxPBDw is filing for divorce. I was close to her Step-Father and our Nieces and Nephews, who grew from children to adults during our r/s. I really want to send them a letter saying that I love them and will miss them. I don't know if they even know of the split, or if PwBPD has repeated the paranoid and false accusations to them that she made to me. I am feeling the urge to a) say goodbye for closure and b) reach out to push back against any slandering she may have done.

I haven't done anything yet as I've waited for things to get clearer. My T says a) the sentiment is nice but not yet and b) what others believe is not in my control and that I shouldn't fear or seek to defend what they may or may not believe. I'm struggling to accept that. My self-esteem has been beaten down over the years with pwBPD and it is difficult to rely on my own knowledge of who I am and not look to others for validation.

Anyway, I'm working on rebuilding myself as I detach from my pwBPD. The loss of my partner (even my idealized version of her) is only compounded by all the other things that I will be losing, including the investment of care, love, and affection that I put into and received from her family. I suppose this is more of a general divorce issue rather than one involving BPD.

Thought I'd throw it out there. The FOG is lifting.
--
Cheers,
RP

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RedPill, I'm with your T here.  Your actions speak for themselves.  Though you have good intentions, others may read something more into such a message, and it's hard to say how that might be received.  Suggest you consult the Serenity Prayers and let go of others' perceptions of you, which are out of your control.  Keep up the good work on yourself, which is the foundation of your recovery.  Suggest you treat yourself with care and compassion.  Put yourself first, for a change!

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi RedPill,

My self-esteem has been beaten down over the years with pwBPD and it is difficult to rely on my own knowledge of who I am and not look to others for validation.

You'll find out who you are, what your strong points and soft points are as you go through healing, you'll get a lot of validation from the boards that will help with that.

Let's say that your ex didn't distort you to your exFIL yet, how do you think that will look like to your exFIL? Would it look like crazy making behavior when your trying to explain what's going on and others don't see a pwBPD's behaviors?

What do you plan on telling him?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Redpill,

My thoughts are that the idea of saying goodbye is an understandable desire and in time would probably be well received and appreciated.  What you need to remember is that these people have had a relationship with you for a long time and will therefore know you well.  They will have seen you at your best and quite possibly your worst during that time but what won't have ever changed is their understanding and knowledge of you as an individual.  I'm sure they know you well enough to have their own personal opinions of you, which, whilst having the potential to be swayed by new 'information' via feedback from your ex, is at the very core what they believe about you.  I don't think you need to justify or explain anything to them.  You can't control what may or may not be said, just like you can't control what they may or may not believe of it.  In fairness if their opinions were so easily altered by new 'facts' then nothing you could say would affect that.  

As already said, I don't think you need to be concerning yourself with your image to others right now.  Whatever possible impression they have of you in the future will go with them, not with you, and won't affect your life.  Try to concentrate on your own healing now and worry less about others.  You have been through enough so don't give yourself more heartache.  The mind does have a way of heaping it on for us and it's important to know which thoughts to let go of.  This idea of setting the record straight sounds like one to release.  Take comfort from the fact they probably know you better than any accusations might suggest anyway.  More importantly, you know yourself, who you are, what's in your heart and what you did/didn't do and that's the key to moving forwards.  Your therapist sounds good.

Love and light x

[40days_in_desert]

Hey RedPill,

I can share what worked for me. It might be only specific to my situation. Short backstory... .ustbxBPD left saying that we need time apart to strengthen our marriage. Two weeks after she left (3 states away), I found that she was with her ex from 20 years ago. I was desperate and went to her grandparents for advice. We were fairly close and if x ever listened to anyone, but not always, it was her grandmother. I only told about the ex-boyfriend not BPD as I was deep in FOG back then (almost 2 years ago). It backfired as her grandmother called her and scolded her. Since then, I had very little contact with her family and never once spoke about my x when I did. I ended up speaking with her grandparents about 14 months later and I still occasionally visit them. We never talk about her. Mostly it is to bring my kids by since she rarely ever does. They have excommunicated x several times due to her behavior and neglecting time spent with them. Over time, I worked on me and being the best dad, friend and person that I can be. Her actions and behaviors eventually showed her true colors as did mine. I never had to defend myself. It just took time for people to see that what she was saying about me wasn't true. She blames me for her failed relationships with her family members and our oldest child. Saying they have failed due to things I have said about her. Evidently she believes that I have a mind controlling superpower even though I never said anything bad about her to her family. They have no clue as to my belief that she suffers from BPD even though they can recite the characteristics that are BPD.

[Grey Kitty]

I was close to her Step-Father and our Nieces and Nephews, who grew from children to adults during our r/s.
[... .]
I am feeling the urge to a) say goodbye for closure and b) reach out to push back against any slandering she may have done.

Those urges are like wanting to have the last word in an argument. You do WANT it, but it doesn't do any good if you get it, and probably makes this worse instead.

My suggestion--reach out to them if you want to maintain a relationship with them on your own, independent of your ex... .and skip it if you've given up on that.

You could send them a simple note saying that you care for them / love them / whatever fits, and hope you can stay in touch.

And most importantly, DON'T let yourself get into triangular drama with your ex through her family.

This is probably a better idea in a few months when you are more at peace with the end of your r/s with your ex, and she's more at peace or has moved on or whatever.

[RedPill]

Thanks everyone, your advice was very helpful. My gut was agreeing that, aside from the pain of the loss of my long-term extended family, my desire to reach out arose from a deep-seated need to be viewed as the "good guy". And your responses helped me to recognize that. This is one of the issues that I need to keep exploring: my need to continuously prove myself to others to feel good about myself. Where did my sense of self go? When was my confidence and self-esteem beaten out of me? No doubt it began with my FOO and played out as I unconsciously picked wounded women who needed me to "save" them with my love and commitment. Funny, that strategy only brought me pain.

HQ, thank you for reminding me to put trust in our history. You are right, they already know me well. They have seen my behavior and character over the years. This was very helpful.

I will miss these people deeply, regardless of their connection to my pwBPD, and the loss hurts. I had formed my own close relationships with them over the years. We were family. Now we are something else. Perhaps in the future there will be a time to reach out and reconnect.
--
RP

[RedPill]

Update: my oldest niece (28) on my ustbxBPDw's family side contacted me yesterday. Here's what she wrote:

Hey Uncle (RedPill). I just heard about you and (pwBPD's) separation. Please know that I love you and support you all very much. You are family and please know I wish you peace and happiness. I am here and support what you all feel is best. We should get together soon. Love you.

I am so glad she wrote. It makes me feel a little less alone. Now I'm considering how to reply. Here is a trial balloon:

Dear (Niece), thank you for writing and for your message of love and support. I love and miss you also. Although I would love to get together, I think it would be best to wait a little bit until our separation has had time for the rawness to pass. I hope you understand. Thank you again for reaching out. I do think of you as my family and I care for you very much. My very best to all of you, (RedPill).

What do you think? Safe? Politic?
-
RP

[Harley Quinn]

That sounds about what I'd write.  You're not mentioning the ex at all, making any accusations, or in fact JADEing or throwing mud in any way... .So very neutral and direct.  It's a fair response to what you received IMO.

Love and light x

[Grey Kitty]

I like it, go ahead and send it.

Consider a postscript about being interested in hearing from/caring the rest of the family as well as her. I wouldn't go as far as asking her to pass along a message, not wanting to create potential drama... .but if you come up in conversation, she might mention "Uncle Redpill said he missed you" or something similar at an opportune time.

Put at least your niece on your Christmas card list, if not more of that family, and reach out then if you don't get to it before!

[RedPill]

Thank you for the feedback! I feel like I am on the right track. I am going to send my reply in the morning. And then we wait.
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RP