Here to learn, support my spouse, an adult child of a uBPD father

[Aven]

Hello,
  Here to introduce myself and find information and support. I've been with my husband for 11 years and we are in our early 30's. My SO and I strongly suspect my FIL has uBPD. SO had a difficult childhood in which he was the subject of verbal abuse and was threatened physically. He was forced to parent his father, in particular after his parents divorced (age 12). He has (in the past 4 years) been to a helpful mental health expert who first mentioned (after hearing SO's story) that my FIL might be BPD. He's been carefully creating boundaries ever since.

Since I've been with my SO I've experienced FIL's uBPD behavior first hand. One scary incident involved my husband and I trapped in a vehicle as FIL sped recklessly down a gravel road... .silently. I think the trigger had been that when asked where wanted to go hunting, we said nothing, then pressed for an answer, said something, then immediately told that was a bad idea, then FIL suggested we go elsewhere, we said nothing, and a rage began. Recently FIL visited us to help with our house and insisted on sleeping in his camper (we offered our home and meals). Now he insists we treated him poorly and are ungrateful. He is either high or low. He was singing at the job site and telling us how happy he was when he was here.

We now live 500 miles apart from FIL, but I still live with the effects of his illness. My husband feels lots of guilt, anxiety and fear around conversations with his dad. I'd like to know how I can support him. What can I say to help him deal with FIL? SO's been carefully reducing contact with FIL over the years and it has helped. Now we often hear that FIL "doesn't know him anymore." The complexity with detaching from FIL is that we (perhaps foolishly) decided to build a house and use FIL's tools, advice, machinery... .We just got a new message from FIL telling us how we are so ungrateful for all the help he's given us. It's clear he wants lots of praise and recognition (beyond what we've already told him and thanked him for). How do we walk this tightrope?

Secondly, I know that my husband has suffered from the verbal abuse, threats, and inconsistency of his childhood. Despite that, I find him to be an extremely well-adjusted person. He's caring, devoted, responsible, honest, kind, genuine. One thing that's not perfect is the way he expresses extreme anger/frustration- in a very physical display. He isn't usually quick to anger, but sometimes I set him off (he describes his frustrations as being triggered by me not understanding him or failing to see an issue from his perspective.) Sometimes yelling, throwing things, screaming. He has never directed a physical threat toward me, though he has done some name-calling. Is it common for kids of BPD parents to pick up their coping mechanisms? I don't see other traits of BPD in my husband.

How can I cope with my FIL, help my husband continue to grow in his journey to be reduce the affects his dad's actions have had on him, and be supportive to my husband, who has been a victim of abuse? Thank you for your support. I'm so glad to have found this page. So much BPD information is pretty generic. I'm reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" in hopes I can better understand my husband's experience.

[Mutt]

Hi Aven,



I'd like to welcome  you to the site, I'm glad that you've found us.

We now live 500 miles apart from FIL, but I still live with the effects of his illness. My husband feels lots of guilt, anxiety and fear around conversations with his dad. I'd like to know how I can support him. What can I say to help him deal with FIL?

pwBPD have a tendency to evoke feelings of fear,obligation and guilt, FOG or emotional blackmail, we're not responsible for other people feelings, although FIL is undiagnosed, a mentally ill person still has a responsibility to take care of their mental illness.

I'll tell you what helped me with my ex and her FOG, I had to emotionally detach, he may want to detach from his father as well. Read up and make yourself familiar with FOG, I find that I can identify it and depersonalize it, my ex is who she is, she may be like your FIL where she may never get an official diagnosis and get help for herself, become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it. Follow the link for the article on FOG, perhaps print it and share it with your SO.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

An important part of healing and dealing with a pwBPD is to learn as much as you can about the disorder. It help you with normalizing it, there is a reason why FIL acts the way that he acts, and as I mentioned earlier, depersonalize those behaviors, it's not personal to us, it's something that a pwBPD are going through.

It's clear he wants lots of praise and recognition (beyond what we've already told him and thanked him for). How do we walk this tightrope?

It sounds like you may need to add more boundaries, validate what's valid, don't validate the invalid, I'd suggest to thank him once, maybe twice but if he wants more praise then set the boundary on yourself and don't give him any more praise, if you do, then re-enforces the behavior and he'll want the same treatment in the future, I'd also give him praise good behavior but not for bad or dysfunctional behavior.

Is it common for kids of BPD parents to pick up their coping mechanisms? I don't see other traits of BPD in my husband.

BPD can be from genetics, the environment that you grew up in or sometimes it could be caused by a traumatic event, you develop neural pathways from childhood, if you're in an abusive environments you will pick up behaviors.

[Aven]

Thank you for your reply! I'll read up on FOG. I hope I responded properly, I'm new to this format.

[Mutt]

You responded correctly 

[Notwendy]

It is very kind of you to be emotionally supportive of your spouse, but keep in mind, you are not able to fix the issues for him- he has to do the work of this himself. I hope he is motivated to do it- as it is very rewarding.

Yes, we kids of parents with BPD can have dysfunctional coping skills. Think of it this way- we had to cope with a difficult and possibly threatening situation when we were children. We were entirely dependent on our parents. We learned to cope in that system- and the skills we learned were functional in that system- but as adults, away from our parents- they are not functional. So while we ourselves may not have BPD, we did learn some behaviors that don't serve us well as adults in different relationships. The good news is that- if we could learn them- we can unlearn them- but that takes some personal work.

Is your spouse open to personal counseling and or marital counseling? It could help him with his childhood issues, as well as cope with his parents as they are today, and build different relationship skills.

What about you? We tend to choose partners who match our issues in some way. This doesn't mean you have to have a parent with BPD but there may be some relationship skills you can work on. Compared to my family, it appeared that my H's family was "normal". But they had issues. In my family, it was obvious- my mother was frequently dysregulated. My H's family was over regulated. Nobody discussed their feelings, nobody admitted to any conflict. All families have some conflict. So actually both of us could have used some help with relationship skills. Because my family was noticeably difficult, I was more motivated to work on the issues than he was but he was willing to do some of the work. Your spouse needs to be motivated to work on his. One way you can help your relationship is to work on yours.

[Notwendy]

One boundary I have with my BPD mother is not to touch, borrow, accept anything from her. What my mother has - has strings attached.

Like the tools you borrowed from your FIL. Now, in his mind, you owe him.

There tends to be black and white thinking. One mistake and it is unforgivable. If I leave one thing out of place in her house, it is the "end of the world" and I am the worst child on the planet.

I have to have a strict boundary on accepting anything material from my mother. It isn't worth it. It is so much better to not have any kind of involvement like that with her.

When you start to have boundaries, it is likely the parent won't like it. You will then hear things like " I don't know you anymore". Your spouse may even be disowned. It is very hurtful. It would really help him to learn to see these things as not personal but part of the disorder of his father and also his family system. Families tend to take on certain behaviors that balance the system and keep people at a certain comfort level. When one family member makes a change, it upsets the system. The rest of the family can make attempts to get the person back into their role and not upset the system.

When I set boundaries on my mother, my parents got angry. My father said "I just want to have a happy family again" Happy? who was happy? I was a doormat to them. They liked it. I wasn't happy. They just didn't like it when I had boundaries. Your spouse has the right to his own happiness and taking care of himself, whether or not his family agrees. However, it is hurtful to hear the things they say to try to get you back to your former behaviors.