Discarded and replaced

[RedBandana]

Hi,

So my BPDgf suddenly cut off all contact after a minor argument which probably triggered her abandonment fears. Normally she would come back around after a day or two but it's different now. She immediately seemed to have moved on to another person. She probably painted me blacker than black in the process of it all. I tried contacting in different ways with no response. I'm now about 6 weeks of no contact and still haven't heard anything from her. While I'm hurting over here she seems to have the time of her life with my replacement posting, or better spamming pictures of her with the other person. She never had the need to post pictures all over the net of us though. She also never said it was over. No closure.
The last things she said to me was that she was not doing well. After her final rage which led to cutting me off she said we would talk another day when she wasn't angry. Well I'm still waiting for that day.
Some days I have the urge to contact her but remind myself it will not change a thing. If she wanted to reach out to me she knows how.

I hate to be in this limbo. She put me on a pedestal, made me her world and then in an instant pulled a 180 and removed me from her life. I still have strong feelings for her and I do want her back but at the same time I cannot believe how quick she moved on. It made me question everything. I've been doing well on some days but days like these where I feel anxious and keep thinking about the good times are just destroying me. She keeps invading my mind. So I guess my questions are what the best course of action is right now and if she will ever come back. Also, why does she feel the need to post pictures of her and the other person. Is she intentionally trying to hurt me? She said she was a loyal person before and now the complete opposite seems to be the case. I've been discarded and ghosted and it hurts.

Thanks in advance. Reading these boards already helped me in many ways.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi RedBandana and welcome to bpdfamily. 

I am sorry for what you're going through. The discarding and ghosting are painful, period. And particularly, when you were painted white, it is a really hard change to process. Unfortunately, in relationships with pwBPD, it's not uncommon to experience the push/pull, and it leaves most of us feeling bewildered and uncertain of what we did and questioning what our relationship is/was.

There are a lot of stories on these boards of very similar behavior of BPD partners. pwBPD are often operating within so much shame that I sometimes think they need to prove that they moved on and, wow, it was all ex partner's problems since I am doing so well ... .post, post, instagram, etc.

I think your best course of action right now is to take care of you. Allow yourself to feel lousy and anxious on some days. This is part of grief that is natural when you lose something that you value. Sometimes you will feel angry. Allow it. Do you have support in friends or family that you can talk to, vent to without much input or judgment? Certainly, that is also what these boards are for, and the community here will support you.

Lastly, when you are ready, start looking at your own role in the relationship. Think about times that you possibly felt strongly about something but may have caved to make peace with your gf. Are there any areas where you maybe didn't take care of you?  My T recommended the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook when I was still married to my uBPDw. One exercise in the book was to make a list of all the things that I wanted when I started the relationship. Then, you take that pile of items and divide into three piles: those you were never going to get from your partner whether she was healthy or not (i.e. just not realistic something that they could do), those that your partner once provided, and those that your partner still provides. This little exercise helped me to start processing the grief and loss I had been feeling for a long while. It was surprising how few needs, when I looked at what I had hoped to get out of the RS, that I actually was getting from my wife. Your situation may be entirely different, but self examination and realistic assessment of your RS (after the idealization, put me on a pedestal phase ended) can help you decide what is best for you going forward - either in this RS or in any future RS.

I am sorry for your loss and the pain it is causing, but mostly again I wanted to welcome you to the Boards and encourage you to keep posting and looking at the lessons on the right of this page.

[Whoad]

Red,

I too am in the same boat, it has been 40 some days, of silent treatment, it is in my case punishment. For a slight a trigger, of what I'm still working out... I have my suspicions. Mine planned both episodes in the last year, she made good and lied behind my back... manipulating her next to take her in... she then when has secured the story and cover her base. She leaves with premise she'll return and then boom a nasty text, projecting how bad our relationship, or her stresses, or her life is blah blah blah... "I'm not coming back"" I will never come back " etc...

We rarely ever fight... I'm pretty anti fight. I try to work stuff out and do it calmly...

1)her first episode with me, was I didn't move her here with me quick enough... she took off with her youngest dad, and he raped her oldest... he went to prison and she came to me...
2) Her second time was leaving when her son looked at porn on her computer and she went hysterical then plotted enough plans and manipulated his father  into allowing her to move in, under premise she was checking his living conditions prior to custody... she convinced him to take her in once she arrived there... (I'm going to make a go with him). It was actually punishment at me for not taking her on my vacation. It was funds tight... and not room enough for everyone...
3) This time who knows...

But yes the spamming of (them) pictures, the manipulation of apps, blocking, unfreinding, deleting, attacking family and/or freinds, all passive aggressive things... and no closure... mine has always left her belongings. Her kids belongings... she has freinds whom spy on me and report back... I know some of them... my sentence LOL has been as long as 4 months of her non physical presence... this is her longest silent treatment. 40 some days ...

You have to live your life, and it's hard... understand its a disorder... it's not you, and you can reflect and work on you... I have learned a lot from the workshops... read up on the disorder... open a new outlook on you and what you need to do for you and what your actions will produce for you both... you will be angry, sad, despondent, at your wits end... but your on the right track you know there was something wrong... it took me twice to figure something was wrong... I wish you the best and it will be a journey...

[RedBandana]

Thank you for your responses and the warm welcome.

I've been reading these boards a lot and it looks like a lot of people are dealing with the same person. I luckily have people around me who are educated on mental illness and they have helped me understand more about her. Thank you for the recommendation and advice, takingandsending. I've heard about the book before but never really got to it. There have indeed been times when I caved to make peace. I don't like fighting, nobody does but it felt almost impossible not to trigger her at some times. She would just pick apart sentences and blame me for something that wasn't even happening. In our last fight I handled it poorly and let myself be angry, which I rarely am. I know now that for anything to work between us I need to use those lessons on the right and communicate and set boundaries in a correct way. Not just go with the flow which I did before. I was invalidating at times and acted needy/clingy when I sensed she was slipping away. This pushed her away further. I had no idea of her ilness till it was too late.

Whoad, I'm sorry you are also going through the silent treatment. It hurts but you are right, it's not me. I can only control me and work on myself. Reading the lessons and stories of other people like yourself have helped me move forward and I will continue to do so. In your situation did you talk to her about the silent treatment and passive aggressive things in the times things were going well? Thank you and I also wish you the best in your journey.

I'd like to reconnect with her. I'm willing to work it out. I stopped trying to contact her 6 weeks ago because the silence I got just hurt me more. So aside from working on me, should I be the one to break this silence (which may lead to ignoring me again) or should I just wait and let her be the one to come to me if she ever will?

[Pedro]

Hi RB.

Sorry for your heartache & loss. I was discarded after a 6 year relationship with my exgf BPD because she found emails to my ex as i was in a desperate place mentally because ex with BPD would not open up or seek therapy about her condition with my total support. Within 24 hours she was striking a new relationship online who 4 months down the line is moving back to the US for him.

Look after you, i am grieving like i only experienced once before any my late Father passed 18 years ago. I am annoyed that she is making me feel on a par with grief of my Dad who biasedly was a great man, husband, father, uncle & godparent in my eyes.

I have a deep seated physical pain in both my stomach & chest 4 months down the line.

Please put yourself first, please learn & read from my hundreds of post here the hard lessons i am learning post break up.

I gave total unconditional love & support not knowing how to help myself with boundaries, JADE, SET, validation, invalidation.

I lost my identity, got swallowed up by her condition, i went along with what she wanted as a coping mechanism for me because i never won or justified 1 argument in hundreds that she instigated over 6 years.

Best intentions & wishes to you. Let her come back to you if she is going to?

Pedro.
 

[takingandsending]

For what it's worth, most efforts to control an outcome with a partner w/BPD go astray. There are some communication tools like SET, PUVAS and DEARMAN that can help get your message out. I know what it's like to want the person back who loved you so much, better than anyone in your life has done. Being love bombed, idealized, told you are the perfect fit - it's wonderful, but not sustainable.

If that is what you want back, know that there's a good chance that even if she does come back, it will not be to that idealized phase that is so intoxicating. If you do reach out, make certain that you know your boundaries going into any attempt to recycle. For example, what if she agrees to come back to you, but talks about the man she has most recently been with. Is that okay? Is it okay for her to pick apart a sentence v. the intent of what you are trying to say? Is distrust that you are going to leave her okay?

What do you value? How would you treat others? How do you want to be treated? These are where your boundaries come from. If you reach out and she ignores you, does that compromise a value you hold of how people should treat one another? As much as possible, stay true to what you value. Consider whether or not pursuing this RS will run consistent with those values.

[Whoad]

Red,  I'm not one to be certain on your situation. I do know in my case when I contacted her the firsts two episodes, it backfired. She was angry, and got angrier. She blacked me out for longer...

I waited for her to make contact, and then decided to answer when, and how I felt it to be right. If I felt the text was inappropriate I ignore it.

Now... that being said... my PwBPD played the don't contact me card... 1st time for that... so I abide. Not a big deal. She attacks and passive aggressively posts pictures of him and her. Or her activities that I would not approve of. Her lies, her emotions, and stressors, will catch up...

I know that she may(likely) upset at the his point, her latest attack was indeed a picture of him and her kissing,--that has never before happened to me... but

1) I realize that her leaving means she lied to him, she compromised herself to be with him and engaged in activities to ensure that he would take her in... (what man would take in a woman with two kids 3 suitcases) what lies where told... ) the lies will catch up.

2)Her action is punishment, to me. I slighted her ? Have no idea. The relationship is fake on that end... maybe not to him, but to her...
3) The activities my PwBPD does to me are to get a reaction from me. I don't react, I don't post, I don't contact. Those actions I choose to ignore.

I want her in my life, I want her and the kids to be happy safe and secure... that is here. But my limits/boundary are I will not answer to negativity or attacks on our relationship. Communicate in loving productive manner, as we have for 6 yrs and I will always talk with love, validation, and empathy.

I hope that helps... by the way the latest picture. Was taken very early in the event of this episode to hurt me, (capture and honeymoon phase) she now uses it to try to hurt me ... she must be feeling pretty upset that she knows nothing of what is happening in my life, as I have purposefully kept to me and taking care of me... I have 5 freinds each with their own unique take and experiences, mentally ill counselor, exs of BPD women, old souls, people involved in the past dealing with mentally ill. 

Align yourself with good freinds, confidants, and keep tight... everyone experience will differ as they are all unique...

[JaxDK]

The problem I think is we are so stuck on the good times with them, it makes it difficult to process and move on. That's how it is for me at least. I have a tendency to forget the bad... like I have amnesia or something.

My ex detached from me last 8 months the relationship along with escalating drama. She stayed on the couch with excuses of her back hurting when laying in the bed. There went a lot of the intimacy right there. I was relegated to house slave for her and her kids to he point where there was a big disparity in taking care of the day to day life. Meanwhile we became less and less intimate (funny enough we still had lots of sex). I ended up with a beginning/mild depression and grew numb.

The last big fight we had, I broke up with her. I told her I didn't love her anymore, which I felt I didn't at the time. I was emotionally numb. She tried begging, telling me we haven't tried everything to make it work. She asked if this was real this time and that she should go out and buy a new car etc. I told her she should make all arrangements because I was done.

For a month she would send me pictures of our son or facetime me to see him... then boom, new boyfriend a month after which, she was eager to text me about. Then all communication stopped. No more pictures. That's when she started to try and rub my face in, she had moved on with her euphoric states, staging of his belongings when picking my son up. She tried to triangulate testing her new boyfriend as well.

I was doing fine up until the new boyfriend entered. I guess it's only natural to second guess when the one you left seems very happy moving on. Can't believe we recycled over 15 times... feel like an idiot