First post - Husband has BPD symptoms

[hummingbirdy]

Hi Everyone. My husband and I have known each other 6 years, been together for 3, and married for 1. I love him dearly, but sometimes I feel like he's not the person I knew. I should be clear that he's not been diagnosed with BPD. But I do have familiarity with the condition having grown up with a mother with BPD. Early on in our relationship he was loving, attentive, and fun to be around. It seems like the more comfortable he got the more the symptoms have come out. He goes into these rages where he honestly scares me. He throws things, slams things, yells. He's never physically hurt me, but his behavior causes an intense reaction from me where I usually end up shaking and crying and telling myself I can't do this anymore. I was raised in an extremely violent household and his actions bring those memories back so intensely. When I've tried telling him how hurtful he's being he'll say something about how I'm not letting him express an emotion and then just points the blame to me. Emotions are fine. Outbursts are not. I feel like I deserve more respect and it hurts that he can't seem to get that. He actually gets upset when I'm scared by his outbursts despite knowing about my past and how that affects my response. It gets so bad sometimes that I truly believe I can't stay. But this is my second marriage and I'm determined to do everything I can to make it work. And I do love him. I want to help him, but I'm not sure how. I've mentioned seeing a therapist but he's adamantly against it. I'm hesitant to see one myself because I'm afraid they'll just tell me to leave. Truly, I'm at a loss.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi hummingbirdy,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you right now, I'm glad that you have joined us, this is a place where you freely express your thoughts and feelings with being judged or invalidated. We have r/s tools that can help smooth communication with a pwBPD and you can transfer these tools in other r/s in your life.

I'm concerned for you when he goes into a fit, I've had similar experienced and I know how intense a pwBPD are when they're emotionally dysregulated. I'd suggest to set the boundary on you, there are only two things that you have control of, that is how you act or react, I'd change the tempo by going outside and mowing the lawn or going out for an errand until he's returned back to baseline.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board 

[heartandwhole]

Hi hummingbirdy,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the community! I'm very sorry to hear about these outbursts. I can understand how difficult that behavior is for you, especially given your family background. 

It sounds like your husband's would benefit from adopting a better coping method when he's upset. That is something that would be addressed in therapy, and of course, he can learn through books and other methods. Since he doesn't want to do that at the moment, I recommend that you learn all you can about dealing with conflict and self care. We have many lessons and tools that can help, as Mutt indicated, on the right side of this board.

Do you have supportive friends and family around you? What activities nurture you? Taking care of yourself is very important. 

Keep posting, and let us know how we can best support you. That's why we're here.

heartandwhole

[Tattered Heart]

Hi hummingbirdy,

I"m sorry to hear that you are feeling so scared right now. Living with someone with BPD can really trigger things from our childhood. I've found that when someone is in the height of anger, trying to reason with them about how their behavior is affecting you tends to increase the emotionalism of the moment. The angry person is incapable of being reasonable at the same time.

Like your H, my H also gets more angry when I tell him that his behavior scares me. I think one of the reasons they don't like to hear this is that it makes them feel shameful about what they say and do.

Before your H gets really angry, does he begin to build up to the anger?

Can you share an example of one of your really scary fights, how it started, and how both of you responded to each other?

What would happen if you were to leave the house when your H began to rage?