Getting over an ex with BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone.
I don't really know where to start - this forum has given me immense support over the past couple of weeks, and is something I turn to when I feel lonely and hurt. However, I am struggling a lot with immense depression in the wake of my breakup with an ex who exhibits BPD traits.

To give a background on my situation: I started dating (beginning in LD) a guy I had met while travelling (the year before), in summer of this year. We had had a brief fling on our travels and he eventually started reaching out to me the following year, when he found out that we would be in the same country in a few months. We started talking every day, and before I knew it he was asking me to be his gf. I was the happiest I had ever felt - he made me feel on top of the world, and that we were soulmates based on how he seemed to understand me, and I him. (Keep in mind that this was all long distance, though... .)

The next three months were perfect. We were still LD, and I felt like I was with one of the most perfect guys, who worshipped me like his queen. A couple warning bells went off, like when he would casually bring up marriage, or that we started saying I love you despite the fact that we had never dated in real life. I would warn him that I wasn't a perfect person, and that I was worried he idealized me, but he would always brush those thoughts aside and say that we were the perfect match for one another.

Fast-forward to our last month of LD before he would come to visit/live with me for a month, and everything changed. He had finished school and was suddenly lost and confused about his purpose in life. Started engaging in reckless and impulsive behaviour (he was travelling) which included him kissing someone else (telling me about it) but then continuing to be "friends" with this girl. After making me feel crazy for questioning it, they ended up spending a few days alone together in the city in which he lived, despite him swearing up and down that it would be purely platonic. During this time, he became cold, frustrated and often so angry and anxious that I would feel like it was my fault for putting "too much pressure" on our relationship. He was now suddenly terrified of commitment and of trying things in real life with me. All of our big plans for the future were now mute, and he reneged on his promises.

He finally came to stay with me, and it was one of the most intense emotional rollercoasters I have ever experienced. A couple days into our time together, he admitted that he cheated with the girl when she visited him. I somehow forgave him, because he swore it was purely physical. However, he continued to keep contact with her for the entire time we were together. In addition, he became much less serious in our relationship. All of the promises of all of the things he would do for me, the dates, the romance... .it all essentially died down, as he explained that he was terrified of commitment and "was just getting to know me". I tried to break up with him three times, and each time there were tears from his end, which turned into an intense anger at the situation, and then him blaming me once again for putting too much pressure on him to commit me (or the other girl). I asked why he wasn't breaking up with me (based on his actions he was pushing me away, would even make comments about other girls in front of me, or talk about his exes) and he would always say "well I love spending time with you". For me, as an extremely vulnerable and sensitive person who was homesick in this new country that I had moved to , this was somehow enough to get me pulled back in, as I clung to the hope that he would go back to the way he was before this all happened.

Finally, when he went back to his hometown, I cut it off. He responded with tons of calls, crying and saying how terrible he felt and how he had suddenly realized everything he had done and had put me through, and that I was a "beautiful soul" that did not deserve this. I told him that it was essentially irreparable, and that I needed someone I could trust. He seemed to have no sense of self, or what he really wanted. He didn't want me to leave him, but he also wasn't willing to fully throw himself into a serious relationship with me (or probably cut contact with the other girl, his back-up)

This essentially destroyed me. I admit that I am a bit of a codependent, and often end up dating narcissists or those that are emotionally unavailable. It killed me that he betrayed me, because I been dragged into the relationship with intense love-bombing, which made me believe he was my soulmate. He recently messaged me saying how much he still cares about me and misses me, and it hurt because I realized that I still secretly want him to come begging back for me. But I know that he is incapable of doing that, and that the relationship would not work. I find myself thinking about him (and her) all day every day, and it's driving me mad. I am in a new town with not many friends, and find myself missing his companionship, despite the manipulation, because it was the only thing that would make me feel less homesick in this new country.

[mooncicada]

Hey everyone.
I don't really know where to start - this forum has given me immense support over the past couple of weeks, and is something I turn to when I feel lonely and hurt. However, I am struggling a lot with immense depression in the wake of my breakup with an ex who exhibits BPD traits.

To give a background on my situation: I started dating (beginning in LD) a guy I had met while travelling (the year before), in summer of this year. We had had a brief fling on our travels and he eventually started reaching out to me the following year, when he found out that we would be in the same country in a few months. We started talking every day, and before I knew it he was asking me to be his gf. I was the happiest I had ever felt - he made me feel on top of the world, and that we were soulmates based on how he seemed to understand me, and I him. (Keep in mind that this was all long distance, though... .)

The next three months were perfect. We were still LD, and I felt like I was with one of the most perfect guys, who worshipped me like his queen. A couple warning bells went off, like when he would casually bring up marriage, or that we started saying I love you despite the fact that we had never dated in real life. I would warn him that I wasn't a perfect person, and that I was worried he idealized me, but he would always brush those thoughts aside and say that we were the perfect match for one another.

Fast-forward to our last month of LD before he would come to visit/live with me for a month, and everything changed. He had finished school and was suddenly lost and confused about his purpose in life. Started engaging in reckless and impulsive behaviour (he was travelling) which included him kissing someone else (telling me about it) but then continuing to be "friends" with this girl. After making me feel crazy for questioning it, they ended up spending a few days alone together in the city in which he lived, despite him swearing up and down that it would be purely platonic. During this time, he became cold, frustrated and often so angry and anxious that I would feel like it was my fault for putting "too much pressure" on our relationship. He was now suddenly terrified of commitment and of trying things in real life with me. All of our big plans for the future were now mute, and he reneged on his promises.

He finally came to stay with me, and it was one of the most intense emotional rollercoasters I have ever experienced. A couple days into our time together, he admitted that he cheated with the girl when she visited him. I somehow forgave him, because he swore it was purely physical. However, he continued to keep contact with her for the entire time we were together. In addition, he became much less serious in our relationship. All of the promises of all of the things he would do for me, the dates, the romance... .it all essentially died down, as he explained that he was terrified of commitment and "was just getting to know me". I tried to break up with him three times, and each time there were tears from his end, which turned into an intense anger at the situation, and then him blaming me once again for putting too much pressure on him to commit me (or the other girl). I asked why he wasn't breaking up with me (based on his actions he was pushing me away, would even make comments about other girls in front of me, or talk about his exes) and he would always say "well I love spending time with you". For me, as an extremely vulnerable and sensitive person who was homesick in this new country that I had moved to , this was somehow enough to get me pulled back in, as I clung to the hope that he would go back to the way he was before this all happened.

Finally, when he went back to his hometown, I cut it off. He responded with tons of calls, crying and saying how terrible he felt and how he had suddenly realized everything he had done and had put me through, and that I was a "beautiful soul" that did not deserve this. I told him that it was essentially irreparable, and that I needed someone I could trust. He seemed to have no sense of self, or what he really wanted. He didn't want me to leave him, but he also wasn't willing to fully throw himself into a serious relationship with me (or probably cut contact with the other girl, his back-up)

This essentially destroyed me. I admit that I am a bit of a codependent, and often end up dating narcissists or those that are emotionally unavailable. It killed me that he betrayed me, because I been dragged into the relationship with intense love-bombing, which made me believe he was my soulmate. He recently messaged me saying how much he still cares about me and misses me, and it hurt because I realized that I still secretly want him to come begging back for me. But I know that he is incapable of doing that, and that the relationship would not work. I find myself thinking about him (and her) all day every day, and it's driving me mad. I am in a new town with not many friends, and find myself missing his companionship, despite the manipulation, because it was the only thing that would make me feel less homesick in this new country.

[araneina]

I went through something similar, although it sounds like you handled it better than me.  He was the one who was constantly saying he couldn't love anyone, he wasn't capable of a relationship, but every time he tried to end it with me he inevitably ended up coming back and I stupidly took him back every time.  The first 3 months were FANTASTIC - he adored me, I could do no wrong.  Then it just fell to pieces.  He didn't know what he was doing with his life, he said he felt lost and depressed... .he talked about suicide several times with me.

Anyhow.  He ended it with me (finally; I couldn't bring myself to do it even though I knew it needed to end), and immediately ended up with another girl that I knew he was in contact with while we were together. Like you I recently moved to a new city so I'm alone with no friends or family and I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about him and this new girl.  I miss his companionship too, because even though I was unhappy, at least I wasn't ALONE and unhappy.  

So I feel your pain.  It's like walking through mud - it's slow and a struggle and sometimes I get stuck, but I know eventually I'll climb out of the pit.  I'm training myself to immediately think of something else when he crops into my head.  I'm focusing on eating better (when I was with him we drank... .a lot), exercising, and enjoying my new city.  I hope you find peace.  You're not alone.

And... at least yours said he cared about you.  Mine, in the end, said he was with me only because he felt I guilted him in to it.  That... .was by far the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me and it haunts me to this day.

[Bo123]

Sorry you're hurting.  Getting over a BPD relationship like climbing a high mountain, add in your co-dependency, the mountain is now snow covered, and he cheated on you with no real remorse and you accepting it, your mountain is now snow and ice covered.  I'm trying to help here but quick therapy is the only thing I can think of that will help as it appears to me that you were dealing as many issues as he was which tells me that while you will get support here, the real answer is in exploring your actions along the way.  And yes, it does suck being both alone and unhappy.  Get professional help and I think this will unravel for you quickly where you can start to really make progress.  Best of luck.