Really don't know how to begin.

[Chynna]

Hello. This is my first post and likely my last. I'm done! Although I could use a word or two of encouragement for a swift and successful healing. I would describe myself as content, very loyal, optimistic,kind,sweet,caring before this disordered man(?) interrupted my peaceful life. I had no idea this sort of illness existed! His facade was one of sweetness,a certain understated charm and a seeming warmth of heart. After quite a long time being on my own and preferring life this way actually,  I (unfortunately) became attracted. He is the high-function/quiet version but I learned after much heartache - just as deadly. So now I am searching for my lost self and I just can't seem to find her. I long for her but she seems to have disappeared forever. I know these people don't ask to be the way they are. But is it fair for them to inflict themselves on others? I am, of course, always the villain. And it amazes me the speed that they just toss us out and life is good for them again.

[Mutt]

Hi Chynna,



Unfortunately there is no magic pill. I can’t give you the recipe for healing because healing is a personal path and is different for everyone.

It’s not fair, I can relate with some of your post, I didn’t know about personality disorders until 2013. Answers that I fo bd fir my situation may or may not help you, I’m sure that it will at least one reader.

Learning about the disorder may surprise you by what you discover about yourself and maybe other people in your life. I’ll just one one example for my post.

You mentioned you’re often blamed and being cast as a persecutor. It’s not a fun position to be in, it can feel like a choke hold and it’s frustrating and heart breaking that people that you care about can’t see the good in you.

People blame when they flounder, their egos are fragile and feel inferior to others so they they start naming reasons why it’s not their fault. Maybe it was a learnt behaviour from a caretaker in their child hood?

My father caused me a lot of pain for years because he couldn’t cope with his feelings so he projected those feelings on others and it was at my direction often. I saw similarities with my ex after I learnt about BPD but the traits were different he’s a narcissist.

Learn to depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them.

"When you realize it's not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were." ~ Eckhart Tolle

Healing from the wounds from a pwBPD helped heal with some wounds from my childhood, namely my father. His faults are not my responsibility he’s just a person that comes from a generation that didn’t believe in talking to psychotherapists or taking antidepressants. He has has ADHD and anxiety disorder traits, psychotherapy, CBT anti depressants all could of helped him suffer less and if he had taken care of himself he would have been happier and those around him would have been happier as well.

I learned to accept that he is who he is he’s likely never going to change, I can change how I react to him and my uBPDex. It’s very liberating when you take control of what you can.

You have the opportunity to do some self work and to rebuilt sadly I don’t believe that either undiagnosed and untreated loved ones with a mental illness of some type of my life will ever have the opportunity.

To my ping about feeling persecuted learn about triangulation your ex can cast you as persecutor but it doesn’t mean that you have to take the role? Isn’t it sad that some people always fall back to the same behaviour each and every time and don’t learn?

What does triangulation mean?

[confused4now]

 , So sorry you find yourself on this board. It's a good place to begin the long hard road to healing. I know that sounds rough, but unfortunately it is the truth. I totally feel you about the discard. I just got my divorce papers today and I feel so bummed. 6 years with this man and the final discard left me completely unraveled!  I did not know anything about the disorder until 4 mos ago. I did not realize all the little break ups and him running away from home were actually discards, he would beg me back, until he had set up an entire new life and had a better place to go. Then and only then did I know I was dancing with the devil, and the devil was done. It was as if he just switched off and he couldn't or wouldn't spin his intoxicating elixir I had become addicted to.
    I was faced with what is all to common here. Get over it or let  it take you under... .  Good News is... .If you can manage to disengage from the game and LEARN about the disorder and your role, it will start to make sense. Bad News... .(my opinion only) it hurts way down in you sole. With clarity and education, I began to accepted my reality. I had to go to therapy, 12 step groups, get honest with so many people, and myself. I think seeing/feeling my relationship for what it really is, was  the biggest hurdle. I still go in and out of denial, truth be told sometimes my brain tells me I should have stayed, worked it out  
  That is what makes recovery from these relationships so much harder, I literally have to rewire my brain. I hope you come to stay and start the journey. Be easy on yourself and keep reading. If you are identifying with other people, chances are you are not here by mistake. This is the kinda club you don't wish on your worst enemy, but are dang glad you are here if you need it. Welcome:)