Still can’t get over how much happier he seems

[Lovesjesus]

March will be a year since our split and I still can’t get over him. He made me do many promises that are now coming true for his wife that he only new for 3 months before marrying her. We were together for almost 3 years. Now after 4 months of marriage they announced they ate expecting a son. He always said I was the only one he could ever love but wanted to wait a while before having kids. He seems to have it all now and I am left with all of his broken promises. I need help getting over him. I understand how BPD works because we used to have discussions about it when he would pull away. I just don’t understand how I was replaced so soon and they are living the life I thought we would have together. Someone help me please!





 

[Harley Quinn]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.  It is very hard to imagine that the person we've loved is now living the life we imagined having with them.  How are you aware of what he has going on?  Do you live nearby to one another/have mutual friends?  It is worth noting that outward appearances are not always reflective of what is truly going on, however it is also relatively early in their r/s by the sounds of it, and therefore he could still be in the idealisation stage.  Please bear in mind that the patterns of behaviour that you saw in your own r/s are likely to repeat in time.  So the 'ideal' situation that he appears to have right now may not be the same story further down the line.  How are you managing your own healing?  Do you have a therapist for support through this time?

Love and light x

[Lovesjesus]

Thanks Harley Quinn for your response.
We have mutual friends that still can’t believe that it is over for us because we seemed like the one couple who were truly in love. It wasn’t until we were separated after he joined the Marine Corp that his mean and suspicious side came out. He met his mos wife also a marine after he claims she found him when he tried to kill him self because I wouldn’t take him back. To answer your first question our mutual friends stalk his and his wife’s social media and it prompts me look. It all still seems like a bad dream I’m waiting to wake up from.

I’m just doing me right now. I go to college and have been working out with a personal trainer for my anxiety and have lost a lot of weight. I’m a pretty confident person. I had tried dating and talking to guys but they just end up not calling anymore after a while. I just feel like I will never feel love again like I felt with him and can’t believe he moved on do quickly and so drastically

[Bo123]

BPD's hold the record for moving on the quickest after a r/s and for doing all the things they said or promised you with the new person.  Intentional or the disorder they are masters at causing pain when it ends.  I personally believe that getting over a BPD relationship, even mild ones takes a lot longer than a normal one.  Why?  Many theories but no solutions.  Time is the only thing that may make things right in your mind again and you're not alone.  Best wishes.

[FindingMe2011]

March will be a year since our split and I still can’t get over him

Its a process, and one that shouldnt be timed... .We as humans do most everything azz backwards... .For me, I diagnosed her and the r/s, at nauseum, before I finally got to the one thing, I did have the power to control... .MYSELF

He made me do many promises that are now coming true for his wife that he only new for 3 months before marrying her. We were together for almost 3 years. Now after 4 months of marriage they announced they ate expecting a son

Something tells me, one day you will grow to realize, you dodged a bullet... .this has turned into a life sentence, with children involved... .I hope you take the journey, to understand this... .

He seems to have it all now and I am left with all of his broken promises.

To believe his behavior, has magically changed, is comical... .The replacement (who is more like yourself, than you can imagine) will receive the same treatment, if not worse, with the intimacy/abandonment issues, becoming intensified

I need help getting over him.

Bravo for you... .Most dont get this far... .Less than 10% navigate through it alone. So seeking help thru this site, and seeking therapy, would increase your odds, to not repeating, greatly

I understand how BPD works because we used to have discussions about it when he would pull away. I just don’t understand how I was replaced so soon and they are living the life I thought we would have together. Someone help me please

After 12 yrs or so, I found the answers, I had been searching for soo long... .I brought this info to pwBPD, within weeks, i was replaced, and served papers... .Lovesjesus, a r/s with pwBPD is toxic at bests, and they typically bring ALL, into the black hole with themselves, eventually. I have to disagree with your belief, that one person holds the key to your happiness... .Your holding yourself prisoner... .If you remember one thing, throughout this... .BE KIND AND FORGIVING TO YOURSELF, you deserve this... .keep posting, learning... .I wish you well, PEACE

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lovejesus, Appearances can be deceiving, particularly in the context of a pwBPD.  The fact remains that he continues to suffer from the disorder and we can pretty much assume that things aren't completely rosy with his new spouse.  Indeed, chances are that she is now experiencing what you once did.  I predict that, as BeenThere suggests, one day you will be grateful for having parted ways with your BPDx, though I understand it doesn't feel like that right now.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient and be good to yourself.

LuckyJim

[TurbanCowboy]

March will be a year since our split and I still can’t get over him. He made me do many promises that are now coming true for his wife that he only new for 3 months before marrying her. We were together for almost 3 years. Now after 4 months of marriage they announced they ate expecting a son. He always said I was the only one he could ever love but wanted to wait a while before having kids. He seems to have it all now and I am left with all of his broken promises. I need help getting over him. I understand how BPD works because we used to have discussions about it when he would pull away. I just don’t understand how I was replaced so soon and they are living the life I thought we would have together. Someone help me please!





 

I’m one month into a split after a 10 year relationship and my wife has a replacement already. Ironically she was a marine and so is he.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my wife becomes pregnant before the divorce is final and marries this guy before the ink is dry on the divorce papers.

Did you have a lot of problems during the 3 years? Did you tolerate things you know you shouldn’t have to tolerate in a healthy relationship? 

I was told I was perfect countless times, she picked me because she could see herself growing old with me, she begged me not to leave her a few times, she was always paranoid and accusatory of me cheating.  I’m pissed because while I made some major mistakes, I never cheated and the timing of finally ending it after everything we overcame was a punch in the gut. 

It was not a healthy relationship that was sustainable and her current actions are only validating that there’s a real issue here that will not be solved simply by changing the sheets.

My wife had several relationships prior to me and was a serial dater. She found reasons to be unhappy with those relationships even when she said some of these guys were perfect, she found reasons to be unhappy with me and I’m pretty confident once the honeymoon idealization phase ends she’ll hate this guy.

There are issues in relationships with nondisoredered people, there are going to be issues in your ex’s marriage and if he’s a true BPD it’s likely the mirror he’s looking into that he likes right now will crack and once that mirrors crack enough it seems from the reading I’ve done it’s pretty difficult to overcome that to a level where you are existing in the kind of relationship you should EXPECT for yourself.

I know I was settling, there’s no way on earth that the relationship I had with my wife is as good as it can get or even close.

[Lovesjesus]

I’m one month into a split after a 10 year relationship and my wife has a replacement already. Ironically she was a marine and so is he.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my wife becomes pregnant before the divorce is final and marries this guy before the ink is dry on the divorce papers.

Did you have a lot of problems during the 3 years? Did you tolerate things you know you shouldn’t have to tolerate in a healthy relationship?  

I was told I was perfect countless times, she picked me because she could see herself growing old with me, she begged me not to leave her a few times, she was always paranoid and accusatory of me cheating.  I’m pissed because while I made some major mistakes, I never cheated and the timing of finally ending it after everything we overcame was a punch in the gut.  

It was not a healthy relationship that was sustainable and her current actions are only validating that there’s a real issue here that will not be solved simply by changing the sheets.

My wife had several relationships prior to me and was a serial dater. She found reasons to be unhappy with those relationships even when she said some of these guys were perfect, she found reasons to be unhappy with me and I’m pretty confident once the honeymoon idealization phase ends she’ll hate this guy.

There are issues in relationships with nondisoredered people, there are going to be issues in your ex’s marriage and if he’s a true BPD it’s likely the mirror he’s looking into that he likes right now will crack and once that mirrors crack enough it seems from the reading I’ve done it’s pretty difficult to overcome that to a level where you are existing in the kind of relationship you should EXPECT for yourself.

I know I was settling, there’s no way on earth that the relationship I had with my wife is as good as it can get or even close.


I’m so sorry to hear you are going thru the same thing. Wow after 10 years.

We were high school sweethearts. As far as I know I was his first serious girlfriend. Things in school were tense so say the least. He always felt like other guys were staring at me and he thought I wanted them back. He broke up with me for the summer months that time. When we got back to school the following year he started live bombing me again and swore he couldn’t live without me. That was the first time he admitted his parents made him get counseling after he said he felt suisidal. He told me he was diagnosed with BPD but he could control it as long as I loved him back. At the time I had no idea what BPD was. I just thought he had social anxiety. As long as we were together he was fine, but if I wanted to go out with friends he got accusatory. At first it felt very indearing but he was my first bf so I didnt know any better. Fast forward to a year and a half later he joined the marines. All of his Letters’s from boot camp stated he wanted out because he couldn’t live without me. His co had to talk him out of leaving saying he would be letting me down if he left. At his graduation he cried like a baby when he saw me and never left my side for his 10 days home. He even had me go ring shopping with him because he told my friend he was going to propose at my senior prom. ( I was 1 year behind him in hs). That was January. By April he was getting distant and kept accusing me of cheating. By April he said he needed space. He met his now wife in May, but even up to a week before their wedding he was telling me he still loved me but that she was there for him when he needed her. They got engaged in July. Married in August and announced that they were pregnant in October. My world has been shattered. I know it is for the best but I can’t stop thinking about what could have been if we were never apart. There is no doubt in my mind your ex will be back once the new r/s no longer satisfies her needs. I don’t think in my case he will because he is married with a kid on the way now. Plus knowing what I know now from all of you it would be crazy to ever take him back. God bless

[TurbanCowboy]

You are very young, you have your whole life to live.  I know that’s hard to hear now when the wounds are fresh and it’s your first relationship, but it’s true.

I’m assuming he will be deployed, that will put a ton of stress on his current relationship, which despite the child probably doesn’t have a rock solid foundation, sounds like a rebound relationship that overheated. There is a very good chance the same issues will plague their relationship and they both will be under even more stress once the baby arrives.

Marines can develop PTSD depending on what they are exposed to and can often have higher divorce rates even without the BPD.  Sometimes the spouse in these relationships can get lonely as well and stray, obviously she too rushed into a marriage and pregnancy.  Have to wonder what her home life is like that she could get married and pregnant so quickly.

I would bet everything this marriage experiences a significant amount of stress and ultimately fails if he has BPD.  This sounds like way too much too soon.

[Jeffree]

I just don’t understand how I was replaced so soon and they are living the life I thought we would have together.

There is no understanding it, because it will never make sense to nons.

However, please understand the inherent nature of BPDs... .

- Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

- A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

It's what they do.

J

[TDeer]

Part of BPD is the fact that they seem ok on the outside in life, but once you’re in that inner life, then you see all of the crap.

I knew my MIL for years before I saw any of the BPD for myself. I thought her kids (including my now husband) were exaggerating at times or I just figured I didn’t fully understand and thought that it wasn’t my business.

Then I find out through first hand experience that everything she did to them, she did full force to me. They warned me, but I forgot. My husband and I thought it would be different because I was still on the pedestal.

We tend to blame ourselves. How could we not see it? Why are they nice to others? Why can’t they just love me again?

Well, there’s something really wrong with them. They can somehow hide it from most of the world, but it’s like that Miley Cyrus wrecking ball song. All the BPD will do is wreck you. Then they’ll wonder why you’re not apologizing to them for some thing you did to stick up for yourself in that storm of crazy they unleashed on you.

You are way better off not being tied to crazy for the rest of your life. What would happen to your CHILD if you had one together?