What Does A Healthy Relationship Look Like?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Honestly, I have no idea. Been in two uBPD marriages.

My first wife I married in 1999, was dx with Bipolar and was an alcoholic.

Second wife I married in 2009 and was dx with PTSD, anxiety/depression, was an alcoholic and habitual pot smoker.

That's 20 years of dysfunctional relationships.

I'd say I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if came and bit me in the you know what.

Anyone? I mean I'm not talking unicorns with rainbows coming out of their butt, right?

Healthy people capable of being a healthy partner in a healthy relationship do exist, right?

What's that look like?

J

[Jeffree]

Honestly, I have no idea. Been in two uBPD marriages.

My first wife I married in 1999, was dx with Bipolar and was an alcoholic.

Second wife I married in 2009 and was dx with PTSD, anxiety/depression, was an alcoholic and habitual pot smoker.

That's 20 years of dysfunctional relationships.

I'd say I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if came and bit me in the you know what.

Anyone? I mean I'm not talking unicorns with rainbows coming out of their butt, right?

Healthy people capable of being a healthy partner in a healthy relationship do exist, right?

What's that look like?

J

[FindingMe2011]

Guess this could be different, for everyone, and most likely is... .What is healthy? who decides where this line is drawn?... .Applying boundaries, for myself and others, regardless of my feelings, seems to go a long ways for me... .Asking the important questions, early, in any type of r/s... .can be helpful... .Questioning my own motives, for entering a r/s, is helpful to me... .Understanding enmeshment has been helpful, understanding that its humanly impossible, to be emotionally responsible for 2 people, has helped me... .I believe emotional maturity is a staple of mental health... .when others show me who they are, I now believe them, way before emotional investment... .its helped me gain reciprocating r/s, and helped me steer clear, of possible train wrecks... .As I learned of myself, and my behaviour, and I became somewhat transparent (for me this is a lifetime chore)... .so did others... .I wish u well, PEACE

[heartandwhole]

Healthy people capable of being a healthy partner in a healthy relationship do exist, right?

Yep.

What's that look like?

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Jeffree,

I totally get where you are coming from.  I've asked myself the same dang question.

I remember years ago, when I went to some couple's therapy sessions with a partner, the therapist gave me a list of "rights." I think it was this:

Personal Bill of Rights

I remember feeling shocked and asking myself ":)o I really have all these rights? Why didn't I know this?" It was an eye opener. I think for some of us, the characteristics of healthy relationships haven't been modeled by our parents, which can lead us into similar situations with partners.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Jeffree]

I think these are wonderful things.

Unfortunately, they only seem possible in theory to me at this point.

J

[FindingMe2011]

I think these are wonderful things.

Unfortunately, they only seem possible in theory to me at this point.

J

Hmmmm, Is J, not deserving of wonderful things? has J learned that its selfish, to want wonderful things? Many believe, to truly love others, one must first love themselves... .no better teacher than experience... .Hopefully, one day, sooner than later, you take a leap of faith,... .i wish u well, PEACE

[Jeffree]

 

What I mean is that I do deserve all of that. I've just not been lucky enough to meet someone capable of supporting it.

Just because you build it doesn't mean they will appear.

This why I don't like hosting parties. "What if nobody shows up?"

J

[gotbushels]

I've just not been lucky enough to meet someone capable of supporting it.

Yes, I do think there's an amount of luck involved when it comes to finding a partner to date.

Just because you build it doesn't mean they will appear.

You're right, having built something nice doesn't mean there'll be a visitor. If you look at yourself like a house, then the perks of having done inventory then building on it may make your life in said house more comfortable while you wait for a suitable opportunity. 

This why I don't like hosting parties. "What if nobody shows up?"

Me too, I don't like either when people don't show up to parties when I host it. I do enjoy the company of the ones that come though. If people don't come after saying they will, then I get to choose if I want to invite them again next time. The ones that show up may make the party worthwhile as it is too. The benefit of being a host is you're the one with the food, drinks, and friends to share in the first place. 

Anyway, to support your analogy, I do think when it comes to dating (I'm just a participant)--if x number of people say no or you're not attracting a type you like, it makes sense to adjust your offer or simply keep going or both.

The exception, I think, is if you've been in a relationship with pwBPD--I think some extra inventorying is really beneficial to the non. Yes--the relationships sucked massively, but when the dust settles, the benefit of having closely recovered from the relationship is that the issues and dialogues are fresh in the mind. If you have the time and state to unwind it, I think there's a lot of enhancing that the non can bring to relationships in the future. 

[FindingMe2011]

OK... .then your frustrated, about not being in a r/s? what do u do in your spare time to meet others?are u losing faith in the theory? are you expecting too much from yourself? kinda sounds this way... .

Just because you build it doesn't mean they will appear.

This why I don't like hosting parties. "What if nobody shows up?"
 


If its built strong enough, who appears wont matter much... .and those that are there, are cherished this much more... .I wish u well,PEACE

[Jeffree]

I'm just speaking from my past experiences... .and I'm a bit long in the tooth to feel anything but skeptical about the apparent existence of these healthy-type people.

Being in a relationship has never been THAT important to me, and I'm still not ready to jump back onto that frying pan. I'm still clearing my head from my last disaster and doing some advanced research on the subject.

I've done a lot of great things when single that I am continuing to do now such as basic renovations to my house, getting back to breathing deeply, getting good sleep, spending more quality time with SD21 and SS18, looking for more appropriate work, getting my finances back in order, etc.

I am not really even officially (legally) available, and the thought of bringing someone into the mess that is my family life wouldn't be fair to either of us at this point. I haven't even approached SD21 with the idea of me dating. I don't think it would be a problem, but I think it would only be fair to give her fair warning rather than have someone magically appear in the house.

I was just hoping to understand what healthy looks like in this regard.

I've heard of such a thing as "healthy arguing." That sounds fun! 

J

[Skip]

Is is possible that we are not attractive to someone looking for a healthy relationship?

When I changed my priorities to "healthy", I realized that I had to change my approach to relationships and to dating.

A healthy person is going to be looking for a healthy person.  Ask yourself, would a healthy person be put off by you? If so, then something has to change.

[Jeffree]

Ask yourself, would a healthy person be put off by you?

I wouldn't think so, but I don't know. I can't really see myself unbiased enough to answer that as precisely as I'd like. However, the empirical data seems to be either yes they could be, or sample size too small (hey, get your mind out of the gutter), meaning I might not have encountered enough healthy types to answer that with any accuracy.

Part of the problem is that I do not seem to be attracted to someone who can offer a healthy relationship. I'm not attracted to train wrecks, mind you, but definitely someone with a little edge to them. Maybe that "edge" has been more like a knife blade, instead of a little fire in their belly.

J

[Skip]

Part of the problem is that I do not seem to be attracted to someone who can offer a healthy relationship.

That says a lot.

[gotbushels]

Being in a relationship has never been THAT important to me, and I'm still not ready to jump back onto that frying pan.

I think this is a good observation of where you're at.

I'm still clearing my head from my last disaster and doing some advanced research on the subject.

Good on you Jeffree. 

I've done a lot of great things when single ... .

All great things. I really like the sleep, renovations, finances things.

I was just hoping to understand what healthy looks like in this regard.

I think the Healthy Relationships link that heartandwhole shared is really stellar.

That says a lot.

I want to support the discussion on this point Jeffree--I think this is a big deal.

While you're figuring these things out for yourself, I do think recognising what a healthy relationship looks like is a step in the right direction. After that, if you aim for "healthy" or "unhealthy", your choice will be more conscious.