I cared for her - cant help myself

[jo19854]

I am sorry not able to help anyone on this board with advice. I am only able to write about the pain i am in myself. Even after many years on these boards i still struggle. The pain is too much to deal with at times.
My wife suddenly abandoned me, leaving a note when i was at work.
For many years i helped and cared. When she nearly died from a car accident during a xmass visit in 2008 i picked her up in the US.
In 2010 i did the same and got her in a nursing home after she was drinking herself to death, i drove for many months after work to see her every day. 160 miles every day.
She needed many surgeries and a chemo in 2013 until feb 2014. I nursed her, drove to doctors. I carried her up the stairs. Last week i calculated since 2010 i drove over 525 times to hospitals, nusing home, rehab etc. Over 40,000 miles it was.
When all was done and ready for a future she abandoned me. Chemo worked and just finished. We were together over 10 years and two years married. We married on feb 2nd 6 years ago. She left and took a plane on the 6th of feb 2014. In the note she wrote She was lleaving me and all of this.
She also wrote Thank you for everything. I have never seen or heared from her ever again. I found out shes with her daughter now. I never got a reply to any of my emails. I know nothing.
Sometimes i cant move, i shake.
Obviously everything and everyone is better than me. No one ever cared for her when she was here in Holland. I am traumatised and suffer persistant grief disorder. She broke me mentally and i cant fix myself. I have a great T, yesterday it was exposure therapy again.
Together with a week with those specific dates its just to much.
I know i have to move on, i know shes gone, but i just miss her. I miss the future i wont have. I miss the dreams and live in a nightmare.
So again, sorry for not being able to help others, maybe only by telling my story how incredible cruel some people you deeply love and cared for can be.
You all take care, Love Joe

[zeus123]

Hi joe tell us more. How long it has been since the break up?

[jo19854]

She left on feb 6th 2014, in my profile is all the information, thanks for reading my post

[Speck]

Joe,

I'm so sorry you are in such deep pain. Anniversaries of painful memories and events are really tough, and I hear that this year is no different. I, myself, don't know what to say to you except to let you know that I read your story, and can empathize with how betrayed you must feel.

You are clearly a giver, and it sounds like you gave your very best efforts to someone who did not recognize nor appreciate your gifts of time and sacrifice. That's a very painful reckoning to brook. I'm sorry, friend.

But... .now that she's gone, learn to forgive yourself for being fooled by this lady and instead embrace the idea of treating yourself with love and respect.

Keep writing here, if it helps.


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jo, Sorry to hear what you have been through and are still going through.  I wonder whether your W may have some suffered some sort of past trauma, before you were together?  Perhaps something that happened in her childhood?  What if anything do you know about that possibility?  I'm glad to hear you have a good T and, as Speck suggests, keep posting her if you find it helpful.

LuckyJim

[Mikey26]

Take the plunge and surface to life. Force yourself to do useful, fruitful things. Go to a gym. Take Salsa, Bachata or Swing classes. Act. Take up a new hobby: play an instrument. Do stuff. It pays off eventually. Period. Nothing at all to gain by brooding. Do cheer up no matter what it takes. Do! As of now!

[jo19854]

I appreciate the responses and advice. I know i have to move forward. There is no other way.
LJim, she mentioned BPD diagnoses. Her father abandoned the family when she was very young and drank himself to death. She mentioned being raped by her stepfather. Also 2 earlier spouses beating her up. I was good but it obviously wasnt noticed as a sign of love. Its just sad, but the cruelty of her leaving this way and cutting of everyone here is unreal.

[jo19854]

The hardest thing to deal with is that i will never know why she suddenly left. We never had any fights. I cant get it.

[Sadly]

Hello Joe
My name is Sadly. I used to post on here a lot, my story, my heartache, my poetry.  I haven't for ages but I come and read. However you struck a huge chord and I feel you. I apologise to all for the length of this, it must be several months worth all in one go.
I prayed for the stages discussed here, longed for them with an ache as big as the ache I felt for my lost love. Envied those who had moved on. Sometimes I believed I had reached and passed a stage, posted proudly but sadly that I thought I was getting there however it didn't take much to realise I wasn't. Antidepressants, distance, anger, hatred, serious suicidal thoughts, you name it, I tried it once I realised the huge love I felt and gave would never be enough for him. My feelings of loss and grief remain. BUT, I still come back here, because here is where others before us have suffered the same and share lovingly and willingly. Many could leave these boards and the constant reminder of their grief and loss but they don't. They come back for us, to me that says that it is truly possible however much it doesn't seem so and however long it may take. It is what I hang onto when I feel I am drowning. They say, look into yourself, deal with the reasons you allow these people to do this to us, heal yourself. Well, I have done, am fully aware however knowing something and feeling something are entirely different in my book but I cannot give up trying. It was me that left my ex, how I truly don't know, some sort of self preservation I guess, some atavistic need for survival.  I truly believe people with BPD are not bad, despite the bad things they do. The more I learned of of this terrible mental illness, to know of the dark lonely place inside my lovely man and the reasons behind his cruel behaviour just made me love him more, made me want to be there for him more. I don't believe it was something lacking in me, a failing, weakness or need in me. It's not just pwBPD.
A lot of people have holes in their heart. Some bigger than others. We think we fill it up, somehow, but in most ways we never do. We make space for it. We work round it, we learn to live as good a life as possible with a hole in our hearts.
I wrote this poem once and posted it here, it kind of epitomises my story.


I remember when you called me babe with love light in your eye
I remember when you raised your face to kiss when I walked bye
I remember holding hands so tight as down the street we walked
The nights by firelight flickering soft the music as we talked.
I remember thinking, this is what my life's been waiting for
A rainbows end, my pot of gold I couldn't ask for more.
I remember when your face got black you shouted at me loud
Your mouth once kissed with love was twisted, darkness like a cloud
I didn't know what I'd done wrong but sure I must be bad
I must try harder for your sake I mustn't make you mad
You tortured me withheld your love I grovelled at your feet
I'm sickened by the lengths I went for your demands to meet
The more I loved and tried the more you ground me into dirt
The more I tried to understand the more you tried to hurt.
You are not difficult to love but liking you is hard
I thought my love would be enough, for you I dropped my guard
Now I have lost my heart, my self, the person I once knew
I do not recognise me now nor like me nor like you.
This illness that you bear is vile, it's ruined us you see
But you will go on marching through and put the blame on me
And even though deep down inside you know that isn't true
It's just the way you will survive
I wish that I could too.


It's sad, most of my poetry is but it's what comes out I'm afraid.
Now Joe, you say you are sorry for not being able to help others, but look what you have done for me? I felt such a failure here, I stopped posting, so thank you for helping me. Maybe I will be able to do this more often again. Don't give up.
All the luck in the world my friend and thanks again for helping me.

Love from Sadly x

[jo19854]

... .I prayed for the stages discussed here, longed for them with an ache as big as the ache I felt for my lost love. Envied those who had moved on. ... .

... .I still come back here, because here is where others before us have suffered the same and share lovingly and willingly. Many could leave these boards and the constant reminder of their grief and loss but they don't. They come back for us, to me that says that it is truly possible however much it doesn't seem so and however long it may take. It is what I hang onto when I feel I am drowning... .

... .I truly believe people with BPD are not bad, despite the bad things they do. The more I learned of of this terrible mental illness, to know of the dark lonely place inside my lovely man and the reasons behind his cruel behaviour just made me love him more, made me want to be there for him more... .

... .we learn to live as good a life as possible with a hole in our hearts... .

Dear Sadly,

Ive read your reply many times and I quoted several parts.
Indeed i also envied the ones on this board who were able to say they have moved on. I am still - after many years - in a huge fight against the facts.
The only place where i really feel understood is on this board and i guess that someone who didnt had the experience to deal with a breakup from a BPD relationship can relate who hard it is. That is my experience with family and friends.
We hold on to what we had, the step from white to black is just to big to imagine. Certainly if it happens after 10 years like in my case.

I am also not angry at her, i know she has a mental illness. In some way she passed it on to me. The grief is tearing me apart. Sometimes i wish i could be angry, maybe it would help. Maybe Kubler Ross was right about the stages of grief. After 4 years i start to suffer depression, until now i was more in a shock. I never had depression before but i must admit its the case at this moment.
If KublRoss is right i am in the stage that comes before Acceptance, i pray it's so.
Acceptance means letting go. So - allthough i am not that religious - i ask my guardian angel to help me with that.

I hope one day i am able to move on, but it will be with a hole in my heart.
In a way i hope some day i dont have to be on these boards to survive, on the other hand i hope when that time comes i can help others more.

Your poem is beautiful, it represents all.
I even thought sending her this one by email, but she wont respond anyway. I have never heard anything from her so why would she respond to a poem.

Thank you for your warm and kind response, it means a lot to me.

Hugs from Joe

[Skip]

A lot of us have been some version of what you write, although admittedly, yours is one difficult story to read... .How does one restore their faith in mankind.

I hope you stay and work with us. You're a good man. You can be proud of yourself... .most men would have walked away from that. She doesn't know how lucky she was to have you.

[Lucky Jim]

Her father abandoned the family when she was very young and drank himself to death. She mentioned being raped by her stepfather. Also 2 earlier spouses beating her up.

Hey Jo, OK, that confirms it.  I was pretty sure that she had a history of trauma in order to leave in such an abrupt and unkind fashion.  I'm sorry that you had to go through this shock, but in some ways it had nothing to do with you because her actions were a function of unprocessed trauma from her past.  Some experts say that trauma carries a component of shame, and it's possible that she didn't feel worthy of your love, as strange as that may sound.  Did she ever express feelings of shame or of being unworthy?  Processing the trauma is her task, I would suggest, which may be why she has declined to respond to your email messages.  Now that you have a hint as to what may lie behind her actions, i.e., unprocessed trauma, perhaps you can begin the process of letting go.

LuckyJim

[Jeffree]

Joe,

That must be so tough to have gone through.

I don't know if a simple explanation would help end your suffering, but here's something out of the BPD playbook:

Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

J

[jo19854]

Dear fellow members, dear latest responders Skip, LJ and J,
I am very touched by all the warm and kind responses.
Indeed there was trauma, indeed i was good for her, and indeed i suppose her abandonment issues ruled.
(by the way she never expressed feelings of shame or such LJ except one time she said Run away as fast as you can, i will ruin your life)
It confirms again for me, i need this family. I had a very tough week with all the special days like i mentioned earlier in this post. One to go... Feb 13th, her birthday. With your help i am able not to send the email i drafted. It's only "Have a good birthday, I miss you". But i will not send.
Thanks so much for the support that drags me out of the loneliness and giving me the power to keep no-contact.


Best of all for all of you! Joe

[Speck]

Hey, Joe.

Regarding anniversaries of "Special Days": I see that you have decided to not send the Happy Birthday email to your ex, which is a step in the right direction, if I perceive your message correctly.

If No Contact is working for you, then keep working it... .

So... .facing tomorrow and the meaning of that particular day, as an exercise, is there something nice/loving/self-affirming that you can do for yourself tomorrow?  Just for the heck of it?


-Speck

[AIGcraig]

  Sadly

Thank you for that posting.  I needed to hear that.  Amazing