When my spouse is angry he will make sure i know through his words

[EstherElizabeth]

I accidently stumbled upon this group while looking into articles on validation. Everything I have read so far really resonated with my situation in my marriage. I sometimes feel lonely I'm my pain and sadness. My spouse had hurt me through his words and actions. I'm not perfect either. I have 3 kids and one on the way. Our marriage is very up and down. There is a lot of insecurity,  disrespect, and invalidation in my marriage. I don't feel respected or 100% emotionally safe in my marriage. When my spouse is angry he will make sure i know through his words,  and sometimes actions. I feel defeated and alone, and  sometimes like I don't have very many options because we have so many little ones and I don't want them to hurt from a broken family. We are getting help through marriage counseling but I don't know how much will be different. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off without him. But i know I haven't given my marriage my all either... .So I'm trying. I'm trying to be patient. We have been married 7 years now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

 

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I found this place about 10 years ago and I will say it has helped me a lot, I hope it can help you.

BPD is such a tricky, difficult thing to live with, I think for both the person with it and the rest of us.  They live in a horrible mess of unresolved emotions that they lack skills for dealing with, and try to drag us into feeling just as bad as they do, since it's one way they know to be able to process their feelings.

One thing over the years that has helped me hurt less when my H gets mad and shouts and insults me, is to 1- type it out on here.  Simply the action of typing things out is VERY helpful.  Cry if you need to and are in a place you feel safe.  I also tend to shout things when alone in the car, to let off steam.  That's not often, but we all seem to come from a background where we have become scared to express own own feelings, and that just makes us miserable and unable to help anyone else.

2 - I look at the BPD as if it's a disease, a condition, and that it's doing the talking.  In a way, since H can dissociate and rarely remembers all he says, it's true.  The emotion monster has come out, Mr. Hyde, and that is not the man I know who care for me and our furbabies.  It's his emotional condition that is shouting, not him - so it helps me accept less pain from the words.  Just like a child who says "I hate you," a pwBPD is also not really meant to be listened to in that vein.  Hear and validate their feelings, but you don't have to share them. 

It's good that you have made it to where counseling is happening.  many don't make it there (I never have).  Counseling is a process and will take time, and I'd refrain from looking for a BPD diagnosis - such things tend to drive the pwBPD away from getting help.  In my marriage, I focus on words like depression and anxiety and employ tools form this site to minimize drama and also protect my own feelings.

10 years ago I was at the end of my rope, ready to leave.  Now, we are doing much better, and even with normal (normal for BPD) ups and downs, for the most part I think our "baseline" is good.  Give it some time, work on healing YOU as much as you can.  You can't be there for anyone else if you are hurting.   

[Mutt]

Hi EstherElizabeth, 



Id like to join isilme and welcome you to the family. I’m glad that you have found us. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough spot in your marriage, I’m happy to see that you’re getting help in MC and you’re reaching out to a support group.

Validation is helpful with a pwBPD and others too because they’re just wired differently, what they feel is true to then where we have feelings after we find out the facts. Validate how he feels and package your truth at the end. How old are the kids? Girls or boys? How are they doing? I’ll leave you a short video on ending conflict

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

[Speck]

Welcome, EstherElizabeth!



I just wanted to pop in to join isilme and Mutt in welcoming you to the forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I wish for you as much help and support as I have received.

Thank you for what you have shared with us thus far:

So I'm trying.

You know what, that's a very courageous thing. I am also glad that you have a counselor to help you sort through the muck. And, now you've reached out to virtual others who very well know what you are going through. You are NOT alone.

Have you seen some of the material located in the right-handed panel? The site articles can help you make sense of what is going on with your husband's behavior and possibly also your own emotional landscape when dealing with it. So... .a good very next step could be setting some boundaries to protect you from the wildest aspects of your husband's behavior, or at least, stepping back from the fray a bit to give yourself the gift of clarity while your sort things out.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but we're so glad you're here. Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support you need (as I have).

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck