Emotional Torture

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

That's the only way I can describe my STBX. We met when we were 16 and we married when we were 18. We stayed together for fourteen years and had two sons seven years into the marriage, but that still wasn't long enough for me to pick up the signs. They really should teach personality disorder traits in schools.

In the last few years the ex started obsessing over alcohol, pretending to be into the craft brew scene but was only really interested in the drinking aspect of it. He already had lots of other impulse issues such as shopping addictions and video game addictions. We definitely had a parent/child relationship as he didn't want to assume responsibility in his own life.

I think things really started to become unbalanced when his hobby career that we both build started to take off. It fed his ego and he got a taste of the "famous" life and started to treat me like crap. The last two years he started to drink and rage if I say anything close to sounding disapproving or critical about it. I told him it was therapy or divorce, and he picked therapy. While he wasn't drinking and attending therapy he seemed to do so much better. He was getting to the root causes of his issues which had much to do about his mother and father, but sure enough he started working and drinking again. Long story short he gaslit the ___ out of me in December. He met someone "famous" and was basically setting up the scene to leave all while telling me he was bipolar. I was obviously concerned, especially when he became erratic emotionally and finding out 15k was missing from our retirement savings. I saw he was only put on antidepressants which is a big no no in bipolar. He said he would let me talk to his psychologist, but then refused saying I had asked for his medical records. (I didn't)

That day I said if you can't trust me and let me know I'm safe around you, then I can't keep going in this marriage. Four days later he spent $2,700 to bring the "famous" woman to a football game. He kept gaslighting me saying that they went as a group. I know from fact that is false and have photo evidence of that.  He abandoned the kids so many times to fly out of this country for this new relationship.I would say he only made maybe 35% of his arranged visits. Most of the time he would make up crazy stories about how work needs him and he has to be able to travel on the fly. Or he can't see the kids because the kids are sick... .and he can't be sick.  He missed his days with our kids just to see hers.  I found out that he had been self injuring. The house he lived in had walls and doors punched in. Beer and trash was everywhere. One of our cats was neglected to death and the other was left in terrible conditions.

I got a lawyer and filed for sole custody because I had no idea what was going on with him. After he finally got served (he tried to hide) I sent a text to him that his mental health and behavior had me very concerned so I request he stay away from us and not show up to my youngest birthday party until we can resolve the issue. What he did next was leave the country for a week instead of getting his counsel to talk to mine. When he finally came home he then had his counsel say that i had prevented him from seeing his kids for months. This I can prove is not true. Then he said it was true for the last week, which again we countered saying that legit concerns are being brought up and there has been no formal request on his part for parenting time.

He has forced this woman on my children and it's only been 3 months since we decided to split (there was no indication to them before this that mom and dad were having trouble). The kids are confused and feeling displaced.

He was forced to straighten up his house, and now because of that he only has every other weekend (two over nights). This is good for now, but he calls every night with the other woman on the phone which is just heartbreaking and drives conflict. I lost a lot of my life in a short amount of time and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can with his crazy-making behavior but this intrusion feels so violating. Today they decided to use this facetime call to introduce my kids to hers. Why use my home for such a purpose. It's just cruel.


Also he made claims that I've been seeing a guy name Dennis who spends a lot of time around my boys. Apparently the says mean things about their dad and tells them not to talk to dad on facetime.


Yeah, there is no guy. I'm trying to pick us off the floor and I'd dump anyone who would talk to my kids like that.


Does everyone face these challenges? Its so painful and I don't know what to do.


(Btw I have documented everything that I've claimed so I can prove it. He has nothing)

[Cricket85]

That's the only way I can describe my STBX. We met when we were 16 and we married when we were 18. We stayed together for fourteen years and had two sons seven years into the marriage, but that still wasn't long enough for me to pick up the signs. They really should teach personality disorder traits in schools.

In the last few years the ex started obsessing over alcohol, pretending to be into the craft brew scene but was only really interested in the drinking aspect of it. He already had lots of other impulse issues such as shopping addictions and video game addictions. We definitely had a parent/child relationship as he didn't want to assume responsibility in his own life.

I think things really started to become unbalanced when his hobby career that we both build started to take off. It fed his ego and he got a taste of the "famous" life and started to treat me like crap. The last two years he started to drink and rage if I say anything close to sounding disapproving or critical about it. I told him it was therapy or divorce, and he picked therapy. While he wasn't drinking and attending therapy he seemed to do so much better. He was getting to the root causes of his issues which had much to do about his mother and father, but sure enough he started working and drinking again. Long story short he gaslit the ___ out of me in December. He met someone "famous" and was basically setting up the scene to leave all while telling me he was bipolar. I was obviously concerned, especially when he became erratic emotionally and finding out 15k was missing from our retirement savings. I saw he was only put on antidepressants which is a big no no in bipolar. He said he would let me talk to his psychologist, but then refused saying I had asked for his medical records. (I didn't)

That day I said if you can't trust me and let me know I'm safe around you, then I can't keep going in this marriage. Four days later he spent $2,700 to bring the "famous" woman to a football game. He kept gaslighting me saying that they went as a group. I know from fact that is false and have photo evidence of that.  He abandoned the kids so many times to fly out of this country for this new relationship.I would say he only made maybe 35% of his arranged visits. Most of the time he would make up crazy stories about how work needs him and he has to be able to travel on the fly. Or he can't see the kids because the kids are sick... .and he can't be sick.  He missed his days with our kids just to see hers.  I found out that he had been self injuring. The house he lived in had walls and doors punched in. Beer and trash was everywhere. One of our cats was neglected to death and the other was left in terrible conditions.

I got a lawyer and filed for sole custody because I had no idea what was going on with him. After he finally got served (he tried to hide) I sent a text to him that his mental health and behavior had me very concerned so I request he stay away from us and not show up to my youngest birthday party until we can resolve the issue. What he did next was leave the country for a week instead of getting his counsel to talk to mine. When he finally came home he then had his counsel say that i had prevented him from seeing his kids for months. This I can prove is not true. Then he said it was true for the last week, which again we countered saying that legit concerns are being brought up and there has been no formal request on his part for parenting time.

He has forced this woman on my children and it's only been 3 months since we decided to split (there was no indication to them before this that mom and dad were having trouble). The kids are confused and feeling displaced.

He was forced to straighten up his house, and now because of that he only has every other weekend (two over nights). This is good for now, but he calls every night with the other woman on the phone which is just heartbreaking and drives conflict. I lost a lot of my life in a short amount of time and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can with his crazy-making behavior but this intrusion feels so violating. Today they decided to use this facetime call to introduce my kids to hers. Why use my home for such a purpose. It's just cruel.


Also he made claims that I've been seeing a guy name Dennis who spends a lot of time around my boys. Apparently the says mean things about their dad and tells them not to talk to dad on facetime.


Yeah, there is no guy. I'm trying to pick us off the floor and I'd dump anyone who would talk to my kids like that.


Does everyone face these challenges? Its so painful and I don't know what to do.


(Btw I have documented everything that I've claimed so I can prove it. He has nothing)

[Mutt]

Hi Cricket85,

We stayed together for fourteen years and had two sons seven years into the marriage, but that still wasn't long enough for me to pick up the signs. They really should teach personality disorder traits in schools.

Don’t be hard on yourself you’re not a medical professional that can make a diagnosis on a mental illness.

He has forced this woman on my children and it's only been 3 months since we decided to split (there was no indication to them before this that mom and dad were having trouble). The kids are confused and feeling displaced.

How old are your kids? I’m sorry that they’re going through this it’s not fair.

You asked if others have through this experience, I have or more importantly my kids have. At the time when she left for her bf the kids were D7, S5 and S1. She introduced her bf to the kids three weeks after we split up he was having sleep overs at her house.

Im in a r/s now for 9 months and we still haven’t introduced each other to the kids, she’s finalizing her divorce and doesn’t want to introduce me because it will be confusing for her S5, we love each other we don’t have to introduce it to the world.

I filed in family court and told the court clerk what I shared here and i was angry because she said that it doesn’t matter he could be on the couch high on coke and it doesn’t matter. They look at the emotional aspect after the split and discount that and look at logistics not the deep emotional hurt, anger, distress.

I lost a lot of my life in a short amount of time and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can with his crazy-making behavior but this intrusion feels so violating. Today they decided to use this facetime call to introduce my kids to hers

Im sorry to hear that. It’s very difficult when your SO is already in another r/s and  throwing it in your face and disregarding your feelings, it’s invalidating and the kids get attached to new partners and if it doesn’t work out they’re going through their grief. It sounds he’s not able to be on his own and is trying to frantically avoid depression.

I’d like to make a few suggestions, firstly why are you using the phone? You can communicate with Whatsapp, Facebook messenger, text and email. Communicating electronically has it’s advantages, it’s less emotional, you can slow down the pacing of the conversation does everything require your immediate attention? Instead bending of being caught if guard and saying something that could be used against you you can think about your response.

When you make response think of writing it not just to him but to a broader audience, his friends might see the messages, a lawyer and a judge. If you’re calm and mature in your emails and he’s flying off the handles it paints a picture in court of his personality. Your track of everything in black and white you can forward the emails to your lawyer if need be because if everything is verbal and not recorded then it’s just he said she said in court.

Finally I wouldn’t give FaceTime with the kids I’d switch it to a phone conversation with the kids.

[spero]

Hello there Cricket85, i join Mutt in welcoming you to the boards.

I'm sorry for the current situation which must have been really confusing and as you'd say "crazy making" to the point nothing makes sense.

The last two years he started to drink and rage if I say anything close to sounding disapproving or critical about it. I told him it was therapy or divorce, and he picked therapy. While he wasn't drinking and attending therapy he seemed to do so much better. He was getting to the root causes of his issues which had much to do about his mother and father, but sure enough he started working and drinking again.

Have you ever touched base with his therapist to find out if there was an actual diagnosis given for his condition? Be it bi-polar? or more specifically BPD? Individuals with BPD may sometimes be misdiagnosed as having bi-polar? From what you've already seem to mention, he does have some difficult issues to work on. Would you know why he'd sudden gone south after almost reaching a break through in therapy?

he became erratic emotionally and finding out 15k was missing from our retirement savings. I saw he was only put on antidepressants which is a big no no in bipolar. He said he would let me talk to his psychologist, but then refused saying I had asked for his medical records. (I didn't)

There seems to be alot of emotional dysregulation going on in your situation. So i'd wonder if there was anything major that caused a "trigger". I am curious as to why he became dysregulated about the missing cash. Did he need the cash to spend on something?

Four days later he spent $2,700 to bring the "famous" woman to a football game. He kept gaslighting me saying that they went as a group. I know from fact that is false and have photo evidence of that.  He abandoned the kids so many times to fly out of this country for this new relationship.I would say he only made maybe 35% of his arranged visits. Most of the time he would make up crazy stories about how work needs him and he has to be able to travel on the fly.

For one, there seems to be an impulsiveness toward spending. And your suspicion is that he's actually out with someone else, and perhaps is spending the money activities involving her? and seems to be using the need to "fly" as a justification for whatever reason to be out of town.

He missed his days with our kids just to see hers.  I found out that he had been self injuring. The house he lived in had walls and doors punched in. Beer and trash was everywhere. One of our cats was neglected to death and the other was left in terrible conditions.

Has he self-harmed when he was around you? Or have you actually seen an episode of self-harm? I can only imagine that, in a state of emotional dysregulation, he has resorted to and "outlet". This does seem worrying about the current state of which he is presently in. Are your kids safe?

. What he did next was leave the country for a week instead of getting his counsel to talk to mine. When he finally came home he then had his counsel say that i had prevented him from seeing his kids for months. This I can prove is not true. Then he said it was true for the last week, which again we countered saying that legit concerns are being brought up and there has been no formal request on his part for parenting time.

I'm really sorry not only for you but for your kids, this situation has so many dimensions to deal with. The added dimension of having to deal with your children and probably in time explain to them what is happening is going to be difficult least to say.

This is good for now, but he calls every night with the other woman on the phone which is just heartbreaking and drives conflict. I lost a lot of my life in a short amount of time and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can with his crazy-making behavior but this intrusion feels so violating. Today they decided to use this facetime call to introduce my kids to hers. Why use my home for such a purpose. It's just cruel.

This must really be so hurtful and betraying to the relationship which you have with him. Not only for you, but also toward your kids. How are you coping at this point in time? There seems to be common narratives and behaviours which you've pointed out about your STBx, i'm really uncertain about the diagnosis of what kind of mental illness he has. Least to say, the behaviour your partner is exhibiting and displaying isn't logical.

In Summary, what i've observed is that, he displays some level of impulsiveness in the area of spending money, he seems to also be spnning stories or "gaslighting", there are also episodes of self-harm which seem telling that he seems to be high dysregulated. At this point, what are the options you are considering? would you be considering divorce and full custody of your children? and perhaps even seeking child-support from your STBx given the situation you're in?

Again, dear Cricket85. Sorry that this is happening to you. I suppose there is so much going on for you, and now you seem to be in the motion of taking "actions" without processing your own loss. But given your deck of cards, you're tied with needing to deal with this and your kids before even tending to yourself. Just as mutt said, please go easy on yourself.

We're here to listen and to be your sounding board.

Takecare and takeheart,

Spero.