Resolving Vows: I will not file for divorce. I will let go if she decides to.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Does what I've explained make sense?

Absolutely. And, I agree, your unemployment (at the time) was most likely what set her off on a journey to torpedo her marriage. It didn't matter that you are a stand-up guy and a loving husband. Your wife just wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.

I am sorry. It also sucks to have her say nasty things to you before she left. They way she did it and what she managed to call you (a fat loser) is the epitome of abusive. I'm doubly sorry that you experienced this.

In my case, seeking freedom to go "find herself," my uBPDw left me to go live with her parents again. They have always been her Golden Parachute, and, I imagine, they always will be.

What doesn't kill us... .


-Speck

[Speck]

Does what I've explained make sense?

Absolutely. And, I agree, your unemployment (at the time) was most likely what set her off on a journey to torpedo her marriage. It didn't matter that you are a stand-up guy and a loving husband. Your wife just wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.

I am sorry. It also sucks to have her say nasty things to you before she left. They way she did it and what she managed to call you (a fat loser) is the epitome of abusive. I'm doubly sorry that you experienced this.

In my case, seeking freedom to go "find herself," my uBPDw left me to go live with her parents again. They have always been her Golden Parachute, and, I imagine, they always will be.

What doesn't kill us... .


-Speck

[PianoDood]

Speck... .golden parachutes eventually disappear and people have to stand alone. It's a little word called mortality.

[Speck]

Speck... .golden parachutes eventually disappear and people have to stand alone. It's a little word called mortality.

Quite true. I don't think it's yet dawned on her that her folks are in their 80s. When they pass, I imagine that she will start a recycle with me. But, that ship has already sailed. Another thing that has probably not yet dawned on her.


-Speck

[lighthouse9]

PianoDood,

I commend you for seeing through some of your wife's projection. I've had to do the same. The version of me that was in her eyes was remarkably awful - no wonder she had to leave me! I was lucky to have some clearer moments with her where she apologized and took back some of the awful things she said, but alas, her apologies just feel like empty words. At least now though, her projections feel pretty empty to me, too.

I had a friend tell me something insightful in the early days of the devalue and discard. She said "get ready for her to push buttons you didn't even know you had." Boy was she right! But hey, I keep taking it as a learning process - thanks for pointing out that weakness of mine, I can't wait to strengthen it. My wife got on me about my weight, too, and similar to you I'm by no means obese but definitely could lose some pounds (honestly, who couldn't?). A funny thing happened after the break up: my body shape changed, even though I was eating total crap all the time. Seriously - I've had more frozen pizzas in the past three months than I care to count. We were eating mostly paleo then and really watching what we ate. But, I had a little bit of a pot belly for some reason and couldn't make it go away. Then, she left, and BOOM belly is gone. Stress will really mess with your body, no?

I also learned how much she struggled with disordered eating after the devalue and discard, so the projection makes total sense. Her ex before me was totally overweight and 100% sedentary. I'm an ex D1 athlete and while I've put on some pounds, I can definitely still kick ass in the gym. Weight was never an issue and she loved my body... .until it became a way to knock me down a few pegs.

I'm glad the veteran groups were able to support you in a time of need. Generosity is amazing, no? It reminds us that we're deserving humans. I hope you know that you deserved that generosity, you earned it with your service, and I'm sure you find ways to give back to those who give to you. That's the cool thing about being a human - we're able to take care of each other if it's something we value, taking turns being the helper and the one in need. Round and round it goes and it's totally ok to be in either place at any given time.

You sound like a really loving and level headed guy, once the effects of the BPD venom has worn off. Keep looking in the mirror and reminding yourself of the things you told us here, about who you are, what you value, etc. Re-developing that strong sense of self is imperative.

I hope the music comes back to you. I can't listen to the radio, either - too much infidelity in music! I still have a traumatic reaction to hearing anything about infidelity on tv or on the radio. So, audiobooks are my thing - and lots of instrumental music haha! I'm back to playing my guitar and it's been good to just let things out through music. I stopped playing with her, because it was something she never took an interest in. Shame on me for losing my passion.

Keep doing the hard work dude - you've got this. It ain't easy, but you've got this.

[PianoDood]

Lighthouse9,
I want to thank you for your insightful feedback and for sharing your own experiences.  One of the things I believe strongly about is our ability to witness to others, not just about BPD, but about life experiences in general.  We share so much support and knowledge and can change lives simply by relating what we've gone through to others.  It's very healing.

I am daily rediscovering things about myself that I had lost by being so focused on a relationship with my uBPDw.  I've gone through somewhat of a metamorphosis of sorts in regard to my career.  For 25 years of my life, I worked in IT.  I was a cubicle and office rat... .computer programming, systems analysis, systems architecture, IT Project manager.  I worked in about every capacity that had to do with design, maintenance, modification and transition of huge mainframe computer business systems from a software perspective.  Then, in 2007, I was hired by a software sales organization and wore many hats that gave me exposure to customer service, training facilitation, sales cycle management, marketing... .experience I previously did not have.  And today, I am the sales manager for a masonry company.  I spend most of my time outside versus in a cubicle and I LOVE IT!  I work face to face with customers and I LOVE IT!  In the past 2 weeks, I have sold 8 out of 9 customer leads.  I don't say that as a pat on the back... .I say that to make THESE following points:
(1).  I am open to change.  I recognize untapped areas of talent within myself.  I am able to adapt and learn quickly... .all things I knew about myself all of my life, but had almost literally forgotten.  And the big one... .I am NOT afraid to take a leap of faith.  I say this to make a contrast.  My wife is quite the opposite.  She fears straying too far from her comfort zone.  I can't imagine living a life like that.  What if I had been too afraid to get up in front of people and perform music?  What I would have missed in my life!
(2).  One of the things that my wife would always do was blame me for our poor ability to communicate.  Whenever I would raise an issue, she would do her "pinball machine" form of avoidance.  I and whatever the subject at hand was at the time that she was trying to avoid was the steel ball.  Deflection, histrionics, personal attacks, gaslighting... .those were the tactics.  It's impossible to have any meaningful form of communication with someone doing any of those things.  And, when the tactics resulted in any sort of reaction from me that she could use, no matter what it was, it then became my fault, I was the one acting crazy, I was the one to blame.  My point is, I began to doubt my ability to truly communicate.  I literally had to cognitively remind myself that someone doesn't become a Senior IT Project Manager, leading teams of 35-40 people without being able to communicate.  Someone doesn't excel at selling services to people if they don't know how to communicate.  And in my interaction with customers with my current position in sales, I am reaffirming what I knew was there all along.  And that helps rebuild the confidence.  It reminds me that I wasn't the one causing the issues.  It heals.

I know I make "roundabout points" (can't believe I just repeated words my wife used to say to me... .she used to tell me that I needed to get to the point faster, that I talked to much... .another way to make it my fault)... .but I believe that if you are going to make a point, you better lay the foundation clearly before you make it, otherwise, you risk your audience missing the point completely.  So, sorry if I tend to be a bit of "James Michener" when I make a point.  LOL.

I still have my times every day when I miss her.  But, I'm noticing that the number of times that I have that burning knot of detachment from enmeshment in the pit of my stomach are not happening as often.  It was almost imperceptible.  I hadn't even realized that I actually went through part of the day today without feeling it.  To me, that's HUGE!  HUUUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE!  It used to be constant from the time I woke up until the time I fell asleep.  And it's getting better.  And it all has to do with the "processing", the understanding of my wife's disorder, relating to others in my position on this board and rediscovering myself.  The level of my rediscovery of self and understanding that my enemy was BPD not my wife are inversely proportionate to my level of enmeshment with my wife.

In regard to your reply... .

"That's the cool thing about being a human - we're able to take care of each other if it's something we value, taking turns being the helper and the one in need."

Yes, taking turns when needed is a healthy thing.  Giving without ever receiving and, worse yet, being discarded whenever my marriage required my wife to actually give... .that's what I became used to for 12 years.  And we are meant to take care of each other.  That's the basis of the human experience, that basis of love itself. 

"I'm glad the veteran groups were able to support you in a time of need. Generosity is amazing, no? It reminds us that we're deserving humans. I hope you know that you deserved that generosity, you earned it with your service, and I'm sure you find ways to give back to those who give to you."

I was certainly glad that they were willing and able to help me.  I was humbled.  But, I was also heartened because it did, as you said, made me feel like I was deserving of compassion, empathy and help.  It's a shock when someone who says they always love you no matter what does what I my wife did.  So, yes, I was humbled by their generosity.  At the time, such a short time after the discard, I was amazed that someone would step up and help me like that, mostly because I was still under the "spell".  But, I also have always thought I received so much in return from my country for my service that I don't see it as that big of a sacrifice.  I was an airborne communications analyst in the Air Force and flew 17 reconnaissance missions during Operation Desert Storm as a passenger in the back of an RC-135.  So, I do realize that those types of experiences give a person a different, slightly deeper perspective on things, on life.  But, if you speak to anyone who has served in any type of wartime capacity, they will tell you that training takes over.  Training is what keeps you focused and blocks out the "what ifs".  The "this is not a normal situation" is trained out of us for the most part.  Do I feel I deserved the help?  Yes, now I do.  Then, I was shocked and humbled.  I'm still humbled, but no longer shocked.  Veterans take care of our own when they are in need. 

"You sound like a really loving and level headed guy, once the effects of the BPD venom has worn off. Keep looking in the mirror and reminding yourself of the things you told us here, about who you are, what you value, etc. Re-developing that strong sense of self is imperative."

I am those things.  All the things I have believed about myself all of my life.  I was just made to think otherwise through dysfunctional/disordered behavior.

"I hope the music comes back to you."

It hasn't left me.  It's a defensive reaction intended to protect myself from any additional emotional overload.  It will pass and music will flood me again.  I'm just letting myself go through this naturally and listening to myself.  Wow.  I just realized how powerful those three words I just typed are - "listening to myself".  It think doing just that was the only reason I was able to stay at least semi-stable and functional in my marriage.  And it certainly is proving to be a major benefit during detachment. 

"I'm an ex D1 athlete"

OK... .now I have to know.  What did you play.  I was a middle-infielder at Central Michigan University in 1983-84, but decided I did NOT enjoy the student-athlete life there, so, that was the end of my athletic prowess.  LOL.  Not to pry too much, but what did you play?  Just curious... .

Lighthouse9... .all of the feedback from you and all the others on this board has been invaluable in understanding what happened, where I am, what the enemy truly is and moving forward on this path to rediscover myself.  And sometimes, the best things people do on this board is asking me questions.  That requires me to look inside myself for the answers, to "process" and to exercise the "muscles" of self-evaluation and self-discovery.  And that's the key, isn't it?
 

[Speck]

PianoDood:

I'm hearing a LOT of positivity coming from you, Dood. That's great. I especially like this:

The level of my rediscovery of self and understanding that my enemy was BPD, not my wife, is inversely proportionate to my level of enmeshment with my wife.

As you're finding yourself, you're letting go of the notion that you deserve less than someone's best. As you reach further, you realize that you've been that amazing fellow all along.

I know I make "roundabout points"... .

I think that's great! Make them all you want! Bear in mind that your "roundabouts" will, no doubt, help someone else in the now (like me), but also in the future, as these threads are archived in perpetuity for all future members (and lurkers). So, if you have something to say, say it, and use as many words as you want. This is a very word-friendly place. 

Keep doing YOU!


-Speck