It’s getting worse—wife forbids me from talking to my children now

[Ramesses35083]

I will admit to being a little scared to even speak up. However, I cannot fight this battle alone anymore so I am trying to connect to real people.

Fifteen years ago, quite by accident, I found the book Evil Genes even though I was not looking for anything about BPD. I had never heard of it. The blood drained from my head when I realized that my wife probably had BPD. I can't diagnose it, but the patterns fit. She has no idea, and I have never said a word. I decided to hold on for the sake of the family and the kids, and figure out what to do later in life. Since nearly the beginning of our marriage, I have taken a verbal beatings about once each week that lasts for several hours. During these beatings, I am denigrated and accused of many things that I really never did. I say "really never did", because there is often a tiny bit of distorted truth behind the accusations. History is rewritten to fit the accusations. Talking to someone can quickly become ignoring her and flirting with someone, when in reality it is nothing more than a few seconds of friendly interaction. The time in-between the verbal beatings is often the complete opposite, like nothing ever happened.

You know the song and dance. It's getting worse.

My latest problem is that I am being forced to choose between my wife and my children. My children are young adults in their early twenties. I consider their behaviors quite normal. They have pulled away from their mom because they too are tired of the continual verbal abuse, and my wife senses the distance and becomes enraged. I am outlet for her anger.

So my wife forbids me from talking to my children now. And for me? I would just like to find a friend.

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[Speck]

Hello, Ramesses35083!

 

Please allow me to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. We also support each other here.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I will admit to being a little scared to even speak up. However, I cannot fight this battle alone anymore so I am trying to connect to real people.

I am so glad that you have finally found us, as I believe that you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD, or facing emotionally intense relationships (as the byline of our logo says). I was a little scared when I joined, too, but mostly about having my fears confirmed. Now that they have been, I'm feeling much better. 

So, again, welcome!

So my wife forbids me from talking to my children now.

From my experience, and from all that I have read about the disorder, outrageous demands are common tactics for those suffering from BPD. I am sorry. This is a tough one, and I hope you see this as an unrealistic expectation on your wife's part. It looks like setting some good, healthy boundaries is in order. We can help you with that.

And for me? I would just like to find a friend.

Well, you've already found one, and there's more inside this box than you can possibly imagine. You are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

There are also site articles and helpful tools that can be utilized by you to help you navigate this relationship. The tools are for YOU, but in time, hopefully, they will assist in improving your overall relationship with your wife.

What do you need to do that will lend itself to a path of more harmony and peace for yourself?


I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[waverider]

One of the issues with BPD is that it is hidden, we are oblivious to it and so inadvertently pander to it and feed it. By the time it becomes so obviously toxic to us it has been consolidated as Ok behaviour. We are at the bottom of a deep hole, with no apparent hand holds to help us climb out.

On this forum we have been there, we understand this, you are not alone. There will be no simplistic answers thrown at you, and you will not feel patronised. You have been moulded by the pwBPD in your life. Even more than you realise. You may be aware of the blatantly toxic side of BPD, but it is always there and your life will have slipped into many dysfunctional dynamics that you are probably not even aware of.

To be able to deal with BPD it will be necessary to tie all these together and not simply try to look at the obviously toxic aspects in isolation. By doing this we can reduce being blindsided by these recurrent outbursts. Much of the more effective "groundwork" is done in these more passive times, this is when they are more receptive. Once the fuse is lit it is often too late.

For example with the current issue with trying to isolate you from your children, this will come from insecurity and will have to be addressed in calmer times, not when she is hurling threats at you.

Do you try to rhyme off excuses when she is trying make these demands?

[Panda39]

Hi Ramesses35083 

I'm not usually on the relationship boards but did want to pop in because of what I see in your post and that is black and white thinking.

In other words because of your wife's disordered thinking she can't see that you can love your children and her.  To her you must love your children or her. She is feeling (for whatever reason) that the kids aren't on "her side" so you are either on their side or hers.

The other thing that I see going on is the Karpman Drama Triangle.  She is the "victim" your children are the "persecutors" and you are supposed to step in and be the "rescuer".

Try not to jump on the triangle if she is having issues with the kids try to stay out of it (this may be uncomfortable) but the issue is between them and her.

More on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

For me understanding some of the "mechanics" of BPD behaviors was really helpful it takes some of the confusion and chaos out of the interactions we have with the person with BPD/BPD traits in our lives.  I hope you find some of this helpful.

I'm really glad you decided to jump in, there is alot of support, ideas, and tools to be had here.  The more you tell your story the more of all you will receive. 

Hang in there, 
Panda39

[Ramesses35083]

Thank you! All of you.    I am reading and re-reading each line, each and every line. It is clear that you all know where I am, and it's not a good place. Here are a couple of initial reactions:

1. Do you try to rhyme off excuses when she is trying make these demands?
I'm laughing in nervousness because it is so on point. I try to respond, then she will say "Say one word and I will throw this <whatever> at you. You're a liar, nothing you say it true." So I stop talking. Then she will say "So that's it? You have nothing to say? That proves you don't love me." Back and forth we go.

2. I don't feel like I have a good grasp of normal versus abnormal. She can be very kind and loving after the attacks, and then I can't figure out right from wrong.

3. As for my children, they begged me for a way out so I sent them away. Again, they are in their twenties and emotionally very healthy. When they were younger, I tried to save them but inadvertently through them in the fire, I think. Or maybe they were going in the fire not matter what I did. Or maybe I did save them. I have no idea. But the truth is I helped them escape.


I'll keep reading, and I need to learn how to do the "quote" thing I see.

[Ramesses35083]

One more thought. I always assumed that no one would believe me, so I never wanted to speak up. Thank you for believing me. I have heard kids in our neighborhood refer to our house as the yelling house. So there we are. . .   

-Ramesses

[TangoMike]

Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm a new member with 3 young kids and I'm constantly worried about their emotional health growing up in this environment with a BPD mom.  We have the "yelling house" in my neighborhood.  Just to hear that your children are in their twenties and "emotionally very healthy" makes me smile.  My kids are "in the fire" right now and my wife frequently is fighting with our kids, 8, 10 and 12 and tries to put me against them.  I'm trying to lead them through it.  Trying to learn how to set boundaries and be a good role model.  It's not easy.  I don't feel very successful most days. You have given me hope that it may be possible for them to grow up in this environment and still be emotionally healthy... .thanks and hang in there.  The bpdfamily is great.

[Turkish]

I'm am assuming that catering to her fear of your r/s with your kids isn't limiting your communications with them,  yes? It's off the wall to ask a parent to abandon their children,  much less do it as she did.  

The triangulation link that Panda39 posted is very good.  You might want to skip first to the link to the feature article in Reply#1, then return to the discussion.  Take a look at the Tools pull down from the green tab at the top of the board.

From https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

People with BPD have high validation needs - often very high. People with BPD are also very erratic in their validation of others - they can be extremely validating (over validating) and flip over and become very invalidating -  sometimes resentful of the validation that is being sought or that they previously expressed.  And person with BPD can get extreme in the use of dissociation and projection.

The key,  as waverider gets at,  is not to engage when she is at those extremes. Very hard, we know!

It can be hard to find a validation target sometimes. You've been through this for decades now.  It can be tough to alter course, but a little makes a difference with time and consistency. Think of a course change of a few degrees many miles out.  



Turkish

[waverider]

One more thought. I always assumed that no one would believe me, so I never wanted to speak up. Thank you for believing me. I have heard kids in our neighborhood refer to our house as the yelling house. So there we are. . .   

-Ramesses

This is the problem with BPD, unless you are in it you would never have heard of it. It denies all obvious logical steps to 'fix it'. This is half the reason it develops so far and becomes entrenched.

You are right if you try to discuss it with someone on the outside then they will just throw simplistic solutions at you, that just amplifies
 your feelings of helplessness and inadequacy.

This forum may not save your relationship but it will go a long to saving your sanity...