What are signs at the beginning that you ignored

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Good night everyone ,I was wondering is any of your partners ever showed you or told you certain signs at the beginning that you ignored? Mine did and only now after reviewing memory tapes do I see them .
Here are a few of mine I hope you all will share some of yours.I know frankly it’s pointless now that we are all single but maybe others in the process of have doubts will read these as warnings.

Here are some of her past quotes and hidden messages to me:

 1: if ever you don’t want this can we remain friends
2: you will leave me first
3. I’ll never hurt,cheat,disappoint you on purpose
4: everyone that loves me I push out of my life
5: you deserve better than me
6: I don’t deserve you
7: I’ll be yours for as long as you will keep me
8: You can have any woman you want Why me?

[Shawnlam]

Good night everyone ,I was wondering is any of your partners ever showed you or told you certain signs at the beginning that you ignored? Mine did and only now after reviewing memory tapes do I see them .
Here are a few of mine I hope you all will share some of yours.I know frankly it’s pointless now that we are all single but maybe others in the process of have doubts will read these as warnings.

Here are some of her past quotes and hidden messages to me:

 1: if ever you don’t want this can we remain friends
2: you will leave me first
3. I’ll never hurt,cheat,disappoint you on purpose
4: everyone that loves me I push out of my life
5: you deserve better than me
6: I don’t deserve you
7: I’ll be yours for as long as you will keep me
8: You can have any woman you want Why me?

[juju2]

That is quite a list.  It sounds heart wrenching.

I think person's w BPD have moments of clarity.

And most of the time, i think the serious mental illness takes over, learned survival, behaviours.

My separated bf, he once said all the r/s ended, they all got fat and then didn't want to have sex... .

That described me, I gained 80 lbs, and was embarrassed, out of shape for intimate moments... .
(He said that once in anger, and i really believe that it slipped out.  )

He could never take responsibility.  I was being blamed.  Towards the end I just accepted it.  I wasn't fighting any more.

Now that we are apart, I see how i was contributing to the problems WE had.

Take good care.

Hope, help, and healing,   j

[Harri]

Hi Shawnlam.

I think we all can come up with a list of red flags we missed.

Why do you think you missed the ones you listed?  Hope for the relationship?  Hope for A relationship?  It is good to be able to identify red flags but only if you then figure out why you ignored them.  Id'ing red flags is good to help you stay safe.  working on why you ignored them is excellent for keeping you out of trouble.

[Shawnlam]

Honestly pure ignorance to what was going on to be honest.Like everyone just wanted the good times to continue... .let’s just say these mistakes will never happen again! I might have tolerated less if I hadn’t known her for 5 years prior as friends

[zachira]

1) Instant disclosure of all kinds of very personal information is not a sign of intimacy. It is poor boundaries, and this person will be retreating soon behind a wall that cannot be penetrated.
2) Bad mouthing ex

[lighthouse9]

1. Not bringing up her girlfriend once while we were getting to know each other as friends.

2. We barely had disagreements at all in the first year of our relationship.

3. Her sister tried to talk me out of proposing to her the night before I proposed. She would continue to try and sabotage our marriage and my wife continued to let her do it.

4. Friends told stories about dangerous behavior from her while drinking, and laughed about it.

5. Versions of her parents' divorce kept changing when she'd tell the story. It was clearly very traumatic and I ignored the subtle signs that it was really debilitating.

6. She seemed to tell her past relationship history like she never really cared for anyone and had barely slept with anyone. This of course changed, after talking to friends, and after the break up I got an entirely different version of her past from a close friend. It turns out that she's never been alone since she started dating at a young age.

[blooming]

He actually warned me really early on, when he first made a bit of a controlling remark, that he at some point would try to control me and that I shouldn't let him do it.

He said he had a "bad trait" and that was why his exes had left him. That he knew it was his fault. He also said this once while crying, saying that I'd leave him too in the end.

When we first started dating I heard a lot of bad stories about him from people warning me for him. I confronted him with them, but he denied them all and had really good alternative stories. I decided to believe those, but of course they turned out to be a lie.

His mother once said to him, while we were at his parents' house and he was saying something about a decision I made which he disagreed with, "just let her make her own decisions already", like it was something she had said quite a few times before.

He was always really insecure about me staying with him, asking if I was still enjoying the relationship.

Whenever he would get really angry with me (I never got angry back), afterwards he would say things like "I'll see when you break up with me" like it was something he expected me to do.

[once removed]

1. we started out as friends. i was privy to the slow end of the relationship she had at the time. it seemed like a mess.

we had a mutual friend who disclosed some things to me... .

2. that my ex stole money from that prior boyfriend, and justified it
3. that my ex made it out to her (mutual friend) that i was totally obsessed with her
4. a couple of incidents of my ex freaking out and going crazy on her and other friends

5. she said to me a few times, "you cant handle me"
6. she described herself to me as "a sexual being", while i wanted to wait until marriage

7. our "honeymoon" stage was more of a nightmare. she wouldnt leave my house, and we fought hard and constantly.

1, 3, 4, and 5 werent dealbreakers (though i will not date a person who needs "handling", though possible warning signs. while i backed off at the time, i would ultimately see these things as a challenge for me to overcome.

2 should have been a dealbreaker. she would go on to steal from me when we broke up.

6 should have been a dealbreaker. she expected sex. i led her on, let her think it would happen.

7 the first time i tried to/threatened to break up with her occurred during that time.

[MyBPD_friend]

I think I did read most of her red flags when we met the  first and second time. I also understood the toxic nature of this new r/s (friendship) within the first two weeks into the r/s.

This is a short list of what stood out, this was all within hours when we first met, second meet was almost identical):

1. staring at me, deep into my eyes to make first contact
2. having real ($ 110,-) champagne on the table (she's not a CEO... .)
3. Another guy at her table
4. touching me, softly kissing my face, holding my hands, her eyes and her look at me
5. didn't want to let me leave to go elsewhere
6. wanted to come with me (2 am) to go elsewhere
7. left the guy she came with
8. started kissing another unkwon guy for more than an hour
9. told me her boyfriend/partner (45) since 17 years is at home, she is (34)
10.told me strange things happened to her when she was 15, had abortion at 17, had miscarriage at 31
11. told me she had a sexual phantasy of using a 'strap-on'
12. Told me I reminded her of someone
13. told me she was a war refugee from Croatia (came to Holland on her own at age 8-10)
14. when I drove her back home, she started crying heavily and didn't want to let me go
15. days later I received 'love-bombing' SMS
16. peed on the middle of the sidewalk at night twice with no need (bushes and trees next corner)
17. jumping at me on the dance floor
18. trying to get attention every minute
19. boyfriend smokes a lot of drugs
he never joins her when she goes out to party

This could go on... .

After our second and last meet in May 2017, she told me she had personality problems and identity problems.
I didn't have a clue what to do with that information - now I know... .

Btw., this woman is beautiful and intelligent

[mstnghu]

Here are some of my red flags that started showing up very quickly. Unfortunately, I chose to ignore them because I was trying to be a "nice guy".

-Telling me within a couple weeks of dating that I was her "soulmate"... .DESPITE the fact that I've since realized that we see the world completely differently on pretty much every level

-Attempting to sabotage almost every single important relationship in my life... .FRIENDS and family who've been with me through thick and thin and always had my back were suddenly "not to be trusted". (It took me a long time to repair a lot of these relationships)

-Completely dysregulating over the most minor and insignificant issues... .COMPLETELY losing her mind over normal life issues that people deal with every day and then blaming me for them and telling me that I'm responsible for fixing them

-Showing a total disinterest when it came to things/people etc. in my life that were important to me... .BUT everything that's important to her needs to be a top priority for me.

-Becoming a "chameleon" in different situations... .ACTING differently in various situations is pretty normal for most people and is just a normal way of adapting. Becoming a completely different person is a whole other thing. I noticed this very quickly with her. She was almost unrecognizable to me at times.

-Obsessively controlling and micro-managing everything... .IN the beginning of our relationship, I spent a lot of time at her condo. I couldn't even take out her trash without her asking where I was going. Her relentless micro-managing has only gotten exponentially worse over time.

-Very insecure and jealous... .REFER above to sabotaging relationships

-On the night I proposed to her she didn't like the location I chose and had me completely recreate the proposal while she asked complete strangers around us to take pictures. I'm mostly an introvert and don't like to have the spotlight on me. The situation became a total spectacle and was very awkard. Then afterward, we went out for drinks and she let me know that now that I was going to be her husband I really need to "step it up"... .apparently I wasn't up to her level yet

I could seriously go on and on and on. There are so many more things but I'd probably overload this forum's server if I put them all here!

[Careca9]

my ex was definitely a quiet borderline so wasnt easy to spot but have to say these were my red flags (all that i missed)

1. never argued or had a disagreement
2. the first 6 months were like a dream, got so much attention and overly loving messages
2. her relationship with her mum was strained and you could sense they didnt really get on too well
3. she had very few friends yet was very attractive
4. she was quiet but then when in a social position seemed to become overly sociable
5. she never thought she was attractive yet that was def not the case
6. hinted at binge boozing/dangerous behavior in her recent past

i dont think unless you've had some sort of experience with someone like this or know someone who has that you can spot things. you unwittingly think you've found a great relationship only to be cruely ditched once you trigger then. harsh!

[lighthouse9]

Careca,

You could have been talking about my STBXwife with that list - also likely a quiet borderline. It was difficult to call those things red flags at the time, because she was at an age where people tend to start changing their behavior and start behaving more maturely. That could include putting boundaries up with toxic family members, not binging on booze or dangerous behavior anymore, etc.

The thing you said about being quiet but then overly sociable in a social position struck me. My wife seemed shy at first, but the person her friends would tell stories about seemed like a totally different person. Again, I wrote it off as her "growing up."

One thing I was just talking to my mom about in terms of red flags came after my mom said "once a cheater, always a cheater." She didn't mean necessarily cheating on a partner, but was instead talking about people who find shortcuts or cheat things and don't think anything is wrong with it. I didn't see her "shortcuts" early on in the relationship, or the ones I did see she could justify (though, morally I likely wouldn't have done the same). But, a few years into our marriage and I started to notice how she got off on getting away with things. When I started to see this, in really subtle, harmless scenarios it really made me question if I knew her well at all.

For example, we were once at a brewery and purchased tokens for our drink samples to give to the bartender. When we ordered, she didn't give up her tokens and I did. I didn't notice it, and then when we got home and she emptied her pockets I figured that she just forgot to hand them over. I said as much, and she just laughed and said "no, I wanted to see if I could get away with it." My stomach turned. Again, it's silly and not a "big deal," but I had never seen her do something like this. Here we were, out on a date, and she's scheming to get one over on the bartender. It was like she needed to play subtle control games to get those tendencies out of her system. When I asked her to throw them out, she said "no, I'm going to use them next time." I was frustrated with her, because I know that these small local breweries were doing their best not just to stay afloat but also to revitalize entire towns around them. Why would anyone want to cheat them, let alone my wife?

When I moved her stuff to the guest room before she moved out, those dang tokens were still sitting there (over a year later) on her dresser. This is a woman who keeps nothing and throws out everything, but those tokens were still there.

[Jeffree]

1) Way too much habitual drinking
2) Extreme disorganization in her home
3) Ownership of way too many clothes, shoes, cosmetics
4) Consistently scattered/disorganized thoughts

[Shawnlam]

Careca,

You could have been talking about my STBXwife with that list - also likely a quiet borderline. It was difficult to call those things red flags at the time, because she was at an age where people tend to start changing their behavior and start behaving more maturely. That could include putting boundaries up with toxic family members, not binging on booze or dangerous behavior anymore, etc.

The thing you said about being quiet but then overly sociable in a social position struck me. My wife seemed shy at first, but the person her friends would tell stories about seemed like a totally different person. Again, I wrote it off as her "growing up."

One thing I was just talking to my mom about in terms of red flags came after my mom said "once a cheater, always a cheater." She didn't mean necessarily cheating on a partner, but was instead talking about people who find shortcuts or cheat things and don't think anything is wrong with it. I didn't see her "shortcuts" early on in the relationship, or the ones I did see she could justify (though, morally I likely wouldn't have done the same). But, a few years into our marriage and I started to notice how she got off on getting away with things. When I started to see this, in really subtle, harmless scenarios it really made me question if I knew her well at all.

For example, we were once at a brewery and purchased tokens for our drink samples to give to the bartender. When we ordered, she didn't give up her tokens and I did. I didn't notice it, and then when we got home and she emptied her pockets I figured that she just forgot to hand them over. I said as much, and she just laughed and said "no, I wanted to see if I could get away with it." My stomach turned. Again, it's silly and not a "big deal," but I had never seen her do something like this. Here we were, out on a date, and she's scheming to get one over on the bartender. It was like she needed to play subtle control games to get those tendencies out of her system. When I asked her to throw them out, she said "no, I'm going to use them next time." I was frustrated with her, because I know that these small local breweries were doing their best not just to stay afloat but also to revitalize entire towns around them. Why would anyone want to cheat them, let alone my wife?

When I moved her stuff to the guest room before she moved out, those dang tokens were still sitting there (over a year later) on her dresser. This is a woman who keeps nothing and throws out everything, but those tokens were still there.

I kinda of got the chills when I read your  post here .My ex would flat out tell me she hated rules and it would thrill her to break any of them ... .it would really rub me the wrong way.I always said to myself if she is enjoying telling me all these things she’s done what is she doing to me behind my back? Well in all fairness plenty I’m sure and I never understood why.When we broke up she told me she would always look at a picture from our first date when we went horse back riding.Then right after she told she had over 1500 photos in her phones ? How can someone have so many photos of past boyfriends and look at them when they are with new people ? At that point it just confirmed everything,always,will only be about her.She sabotaged every single relationship she was in,played the victim,yet will sit in a bath for hours and look at the pictures never linking the damage she did to all those people .She just looks and remembers the good times she had and those emotions... .I equate it to a serial killer keeping pictures of their victims to experience that sick emotional rush they got from each one.I pity her in a way , because I could never fathom living that way ,always in the past ,because the future is too complicated to deal with? Complete insanity in my mind .

[southside420]

Good night everyone ,I was wondering is any of your partners ever showed you or told you certain signs at the beginning that you ignored? Mine did and only now after reviewing memory tapes do I see them .
Here are a few of mine I hope you all will share some of yours.I know frankly it’s pointless now that we are all single but maybe others in the process of have doubts will read these as warnings.

Here are some of her past quotes and hidden messages to me:

 1: if ever you don’t want this can we remain friends
2: you will leave me first
3. I’ll never hurt,cheat,disappoint you on purpose
4: everyone that loves me I push out of my life
5: you deserve better than me
6: I don’t deserve you
7: I’ll be yours for as long as you will keep me
8: You can have any woman you want Why me?

Yep. She said I would leave her first, that everyone she ever loved in her life abandoned her when she needed them, that I was way out of her league, that she'd be mine forever and would never move on from me if we broke up. She told me she knew on our first date we'd get married. She was so scared I was better than she was, and felt I'd leave her at any moment. Of course, during the breakup fights, she said all the opposite things, but I know that is out of anger and feeling like she's being abandoned more than anything else. And self-hate. It's ironic that her belief I would leave her was what drove her to cheat, officially ending our relationship.

[zachira]

I think the worst sign we ignore is false charm, the facade people put on to get you to fall for them. Once we have fallen for the facade, really ugly sides of this person can come out and we find out what this person is really made up of. Pay attention to body language: Is their body language open and relaxed? In other words is this person comfortable in their own skin, and honest about who they are?