Patient man, out of patience

[Skyline25]

Hi,
I need help. I have been described as a patient person and willing supporter, but I find myself now stuck in a hole and running out of patience.

A little back story and recent history:

I met my wife only a few years ago. We had a brief courtship and moved quickly into marriage and starting a family. When we were expecting our son, we decided to move across the county so that we could have the support of my wife’s family during and after the pregnancy.

Everything was great in our relationship. I felt loved and appreciated and she reciprocated the feelings. It certainly fit the part for the honeymoon faze. She would say things like “I’ve never had a connection like I have with you” and “I feel so comfortable around you”. I hadn’t been in many close relationships so naturally, it felt great! We had discussed how we hoped life with a family would be, and we shared a common vision. She claimed she had a super “geeky” side to her, and being quite geeky and technologically inclined myself, I scooped her up and married her. She was perfect for me... or so I thought. It started to become apparent later (and still is) that she isn’t really that into video games and doesn’t share in my visions of what married with kids life could be like.

But I’m getting a little ahead of my self... we moved across the country, to a city I have no friends or relatives. I didn’t have a job yet and we had a kid on the way. You might figure that this kind of stress would spark a few arguments along the way, like over finances, living situation and other things that a couple may quarrel over; and they did.  But over time, the arguments and fighting became increasingly frequent and heated, and would be started over some rather odd or small things. An example might be: I felt like I was needing to get more sleep at night, but she would say “you get plenty of sleep because we both get at least 7 hours and I feel fine”, or she suddenly snapped at me for having a bag of grapes out on the counter, that I was still using, because she needed the space. For a long time I kept telling myself, this is just hormones (from pregnancy followed by breast feeds), it will get better. But it didn’t. It still hasn’t. More and more fights and would start and repeat. There were even getting physical. She would kick at me, try to punch me, and one time, she chased me down the stairs, into the basement, where I went into the laundry room and shut the door. She kicked a hole into that door.

Closer to the present time, I found myself not being being able to move around the house, as in leave the room she’s in, without asking if it’s ok to leave, or leave her alone to take care of the kids (now two), so that I can go do a chore, or shower. Anytime I would leave the house to run errands, she would expect updates and would question why I took so long, continuously pressuring me to be quick. A few evening here and there, I would ask and go down to the basement to spend some time to myself playing video games or do some programming, only to my dismay, to be told “we never do anything together” and “I don’t like it when you spend the whole evening in the basement, leaving me by myself”. Amongst other things, I began to fear talking to her about nearly anything for fear of the argument that would likely ensue.

With not many resources to turn to, still friendless in a new city, I ended up on the internet... looking for marital advice/ counselling, information on dealing with abusive relationships and support groups. At one point I Googled something “my wife...(something)”, I don’t recall exactly. But I stumbled across a point on a forum and it was called “Married to crazy”. In this post the original poster described his life in such a way, it could have been me who had typed up that post, the similarities were striking. Further down in the thread however, there was response from a member who wrote something along the lines of “it sounds to me like your SO, is exhibiting traits that could be described as someone who has BPD”. I hadn’t heard of this before, so I read on and continued by looking up BPD. Many of the things I read about seemed to fit my situation and describe the ways my wife would behave. She says she has anxiety, described herself as feeling “empty” all the time, has no close/ long term friendships, will shut out family and friends out of her life and delete them from Facebook when they upset her, she will binge shop or eat, she will rage over the smallest of things, and she seems to go through regular cycles of clarity and “fogginess”. She has been to counselling in the past, but won’t keep up with it because the counsellor is either “pretentious” or “a quack”.

This ultimately lead me to buying the book “Stop Walking on Egg Shells” by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason on Audible. After listening through it a couple times, I feel rather strongly that she is a high functioning BPD, but regardless of if she is or not, I do believe the tools and methods described in the book will help me either way. So I’ve been starting to apply them.

My first priority has been to start defining and communicating boundaries and to start working on myself. I’ve started to communicate some of my boundaries now but it’s like she can sense that I’ve been becoming more and more discontent with our relationship. So much so now, she is causing me to enforce personal boundaries more and more, in some cases before I’ve even had a chance to communicate them to her properly. I realize that I’ve been “sponging” now do so long that I’ve completely forgotten myself.

The roller coaster of emotions continues and for the past couple week, I almost forgot that I was wanting to post here because it was going good. I have actually been composing this post for more that two weeks. Partially because of the aforementioned, and partially because I do not get much time to myself.

Anyway, I could vent on here for too long. I suppose just knowing that someone will read this helps, in a way. But, where I’m at right now is, how do I know if I’m just not in it anymore? Can I fall in love with a person that I don’t even recognize? I feel like I’ve been lied to for years and now I feel trapped. I realize that I need to focus on myself, but just that act of doing this or even attempting to bring this up, say me telling her I’m going to schedule a massage, will anger her. Lastly, we are in the midst of a fight right now and I asked for some time. She asked when we could talk more and I said tomorrow, once the kids have gone to bed, but she isn’t having it. She wants to talk and keeps pushing me. Am I doing right by sticking to guns and refusing to talk until tomorrow? I know I’m just to angry right now to have a productive conversation.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your constructive replies.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry for the situation you're in, but are glad you've found us.  You've done an impressive amount of homework to understand how you can work to improve things.  Boundaries are crucial, especially when there's a history of abuse.  Other tools like validating and not JADEing are important to reducing conflict (are those terms familiar?).

As for the argument and whether it's OK to push her off until later, that depends.  If it's past bedtime, or she's being abusive, for sure.  If you've got energy and patience left, try to stick with it.  Perhaps you could tell us more about the particular argument, and we can discuss in more detail.

You're dealing with two distinct, but often overlapping problems -- domestic violence and borderline personality disorder.  It's important to deal with both.  The fact that you don't feel comfortable leaving the room without permission is concerning.  You're easily at the point where I'd recommend contacting a local domestic violence agency for support.  You've jumped into learning BPD coping tools, and may see some improvements -- if you tell the DV folks that you're just getting up to speed and still want to work on things with her, they should respect that, but they'll also educate you on abuse and give you support.

To start coming up to speed on domestic violence, I would suggest you start with this bpdfamily article on BPD and physical abuse, which also links through to this bpdfamily topic on domestic violence for men.

Can you tell us the last time she assaulted you?  When was it and what happened?  Does she physically prevent you from leaving a room? 

RC

[Turkish]

Hi Skyline25,

You sound trapped here.  I do encourage you to go through the  links that Radcliff posted and tell us what you think.  This is a safe space for discussion.  No one will push you to make rash decisions though we are concerned for your safety.  How are the kids,  are they safe?

I'm glad that you are learning about boundaries, and I understand your need for alone time.  Mine was reading at night. It triggered the mother of our children.  People with traits of BPD are easily triggered by anything which suggests abandonment.

You might want to back up a little and try validation.  We have the tools summarized in Lesson 3 in the lessons at the top of the board,  but SET is a good place to start.  Tell us what you think. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There is a link to the discussion at the READ MORE tab at the bottom. 

I hope to hear more on how you are doing and how best we can support you Skyline25.

Take Care,

Turkish