Saying no to bail for incarcerated BPD son

[FaithHopeLove]

My son is currently in jail after being arrested on a felony drug charge
 His preliminary hearing is Thursday. His father and I plan to attend. At this hearing his attorney may make a bail application. We told our son when we first realized he was involved with drugs that if he got arrested we would NOT pay his bail. Now we may have to enforce that boundary. My heart is literally breaking. He really wants out of jail and seems to expect he will be. But I doubt that with such a serious offense he will be released on his own recognizance and like I said we will not pay his bail. We are also afraid that if he is released he will just go back to using. So this is going to be hard. Very hard. Any wisdom?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi FaithHopeLove

I have followed as you have been posting throughout this latest saga with your son.   This is a hard one...my heart goes out to you.

Over the years, there have been occasions when we have had to resort to "tough love" with our daughter.  Heart breaking?  You bet!  Tears?  So many!

There have been times when I have posted about my problems then gone back and read and re-read my words.  I sometimes will ask myself what would be my  reply if that was a post from another person.  I suggest that for you now.

So glad you are here, FaithHopeLove.  Along the way you have been giving support and encouragement to so many others.  Hope you feel that coming back your way now.

From one Mom to another...a   hug.

Huat

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Huat. That is good advice and yes I do feel the love and I deeply appreciate it. I think if I saw this post as coming from someone else I would say maintain this boundary with love. It is a tough thing to balance but the truth is paying his bail (assuming he gets bail ) would be seriously enabling and likely lead to him going back to his old ways. We are however paying attorney fees. The reason my H and I decided to do that is because we hope that a good lawyer will get DS into treatment so even if he does fail to pay us back as promised it may be worth the investment. So that is where I am now. I hope that by posting all the gory details of this situation not only will I be helped but others in a similar situation will also be helped. Thanks again for listening/reading

[Bluemoon23]

The thought, care, energy and discussion that you have displayed dealing with this life-altering moment is amazing Faith. Sharing how you are trying to figure out what will be the best outcome for your son in this moment and trying so hard to do what you hope can help them receive the treatment that could propel them forward into a changed life is remarkable.

I can see so much how so many of us put great thought and care into trying to do what can possibly help. And we keep trying. I hope you can see that you yourself would say stick to that boundary as hard as it maybe as it could produce the most wonderful movement that he needs and your family needs.

Take good care and thank you for sharing and supporting others too. It's appreciated very much. I wish you the best in doing what you feel will be the most helpful.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you BlueMoon. Like everyone here, I am doing my best for my beloved child. I truly feel that some of the best parents in the world are in this group. Let's remember that when guilt rears its head. Today's developments are hopeful. DS's attorney is speaking with the narcotics prosecutor about getting my son into rehab. Barring legal details I am not at liberty to discuss, I will continue to keep you all posted so we can work together on figuring out how to handle these situations.

[Swimmy55]

You are doing the right thing, Faith, as hard as it is.  From one mother to another, I  know this is  devastating . Please take comfort in that you are paying the legal fees, which is being  as supportive as you can be without enabling.   Remember the bigger goal- your son getting into treatment and staying there.  We are with you, Faith. 

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Swimmy.

[Normlee]

Faith, my heart hurts for your Momma's heart. I see you protecting your son from going right back out to his old friends which will hook him back in even if he wants to change. Your no is a no to his continued harm but a yes to healing and a healthier life. My H has a close friend whose son ended up in the same situation. He was making lots of bad choices in his life. The Dad did not bail him out. It was hard and the son was not appreciative of his dad's decision to put it mildly. Years later they are best friends working side by side in the family business.
In the long run it could turn out very well. Also, I can't help but think of who I've seen you to be since I've been here. No matter your son's struggles he's had you and your influence.  

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for your kind words

[twocrazycats]

Faith,
Your love for your son is what shines through your post. Focus on your concern that if he gets out, he will use again. He is too precious to you for that. You told him originally that you would not pay his bail. Sticking to your word is something our sons and daughters need more than anything. If you say it with love, he will respect you for that. And hopefully, learn from it that sticking to your word is an important thing to do.

You said that we here on this forum are some of the best parents around. My daughter always tells me what a terrible parent I am. Tonight, especially, I needed to read what you wrote, so thank you. And you, of course, are one of these great parents. Maybe say something to your son like, "We love you, and because of that, we can't pay the bail for you. Figuring this out yourself will help you to grow stronger and thrive in this world. We are confident that you can do it.:

Will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you Crazy Cat. I completely agree with all you said. Love helps us do hard things. We are all excellent parents. We are taxed with the hardest kind of parenting there is, one where our children (at all ages) both desperately need us and feel like they hate us. But we keep showing up. If that's not badass parenting I don't know what is. Be encouraged. Love wins in the end and this is a love story.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I'm thinking of you today, FaithHopeLove. Sending prayers to you and your family.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Lived and Learned. My stomach is all tied in knots at the thought of seeing my son as a prisoner. I keep reminding myself he has been a prisoner to BPD and addiction for years now and, with God's help, as bad as it looks today, this could be the beginning of a turnaround. If you pray please pray the judge let's him go to the rehab program that has been set up for him.

[wendydarling]

Along with friends here you and your family are in my thoughts and wishing you the best outcome.

My stomach is all tied in knots at the thought of seeing my son as a prisoner. I keep reminding myself he has been a prisoner to BPD and addiction for years now and, with God's help, as bad as it looks today, this could be the beginning of a turnaround.

Oh so very true Faith he has been a prisoner of BPD, addiction and DS can find enlightenment as my DD continues to turn, grow beautifully.

Faith, love and hope.  

And determination  

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

Court went well today. No bail application was made. DS is still mad I didn't pay his attorney soon enough but I am not entertaining that nonsense. Next.

[PeaceMom]

Nice work, Faith! Your steady and confident demeanor speak volumes to your son. He can latch on to your Wisemind.