Why did I just leave?

[Funfact11]

I have never been in a relationship and I have been talking to my ex for about 8 months. Long distance, I like in United States and she lives in Europe. We did video often and texted everyday. Almost every hour which felt exhausting to me, I couldn’t focus on work because she would instantly feel sad when I didn’t respond to her texts.

She loved me, and I loved her. I am very picky about picking people who share my values. She certainly did in terms of the social aspect and atheism. And also her intellect was something I was fond of.

Yesterday, I told her I could no longer give her the time and emotional support she needs. She’s a good person, an empath, highly sensitive INFJ. She has done dbt for 2 years but refuses to research more about the topic because her friend told her she will get depressed.

I watched and read about BPD so much, I got to the point where I became so anxious and paranoid. It’s almost like every relationship goes to PLEASE READ. I didn’t know what to do but tell her I can’t be her romantic partner anymore and I will still support her as a good friend if possible.

I just feel so bad and guilty about leaving her like this and unexpectedly. I think I have my own insecurities too. We were planning to meet for Christmas but now it’s all over because I felt very exhausted. Is this normal?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[confusedbybdp]

Dear FunFact11,

Yes, I think it is "normal" for you to feel exhausted at what seems to be a mismatch between the amount of contact during the day she wants vs what you are comfortable with.

Something to think about for sure, and I admire you for being in touch with your instincts that despite the things you share, there could be trouble ahead.  Of course, we don't know for sure what the future might bring, but you are many steps ahead of those of us, myself included, who blew right past the "red flags" without pausing to think them through. 

In my experience, the way my exbf got me so intertwined in his world was to pretty much dominate all my waking hours (and some hours I was trying to sleep, too!) with thoughts of him.  So, he would call and text multiple times a day, even when I asked him not to (when I was working).  When someone does that consistently and for long enough, you run the risk that all your thoughts become about them, their feelings, what's going on in their life, their conflicts and worries, their health, and on and on.  The more this happens the more you lose touch with parts of yourself, and before you know it, their drama fills up your life. 

Stepping back now to at least SLOW THINGS DOWN, if not put it on a friendship level for a while, makes a lot of sense.  It sounds like you have your eyes open, and that's good!  You're on the right path as long as you put up some boundaries.  For example, if you want to maintain contact, but do not want to text back and forth every hour, then you could say, "I really enjoy keeping in touch, but I have a lot going on in my life, and I will only be able to check in by text at the end of the day."  That's not likely to satisfy her needs, but at least you have put what you're comfortable with out there.  She may "test" this boundary by ignoring it, and continuing to text every hour.  At that point you could remind her of the limits you have given how busy you are, while still reassuring her that you care about her.  You have to balance that against stringing her along, of course.  If you really don't think this will work, you might just want to clearly state that and wish her the best.

Keep in touch!

[Funfact11]

Hi confusedbybdp, 

Thank you for your profound insights. I think I have been checking the forum all day for a response as I feel incredibly lost and guilty. Thank you!

I think she is indeed beginning to dominate my waking hours too when I really think about it. It happened yesterday when I suddenly got so mentally exhausted by simply doing a video call. Which was forced on me because she could no longer wait as I finish my work. I really do not want to lose touch with parts of myself. That sounds absolutely terrifying to me.

I am trying so hard to put this on the friendship level for a while. What's interesting about this is that we tend to share more about our interests and expose each other to new ideas (books, lectures, etc.) when we think of each other as friends. I like it a lot. That's a trait I like about her so much, her intellect. I feel like she allows me to express my thoughts (something I am recently forcing myself to do, even on this forum) and she helps make me a little bit less cold, meaning more understanding of other people's circumstances and feelings. Her empathic qualities, high sensitivity (hsp) and INFJ  traits astonish me, do people with BPD typically have an INFJ personality type based on the Meyers Briggs scale? 

I think due to a long-distance relationship, it makes setting boundaries a lot more difficult. She tells me it's impossible for her to not talk to me for a day. I am comfortable with that but I just know I can't text for hours and hours. I will try to be more firm even as I try to be her friend and possibly something more if she begins to balance things out because I don't believe in cutting off people who are genuinely trying to better themselves (she quit alcohol, drugs, reckless sex) in these past few months.

Thank you, for your insights, I will be re-reading and thinking on repeat.

 

[once removed]

hi Funfact11,

it sounds like youve been through it. what led to the breakup?

i think if you want to maintain a friendship, its a good idea to determine what that looks like.

where would you start?

[Funfact11]

hi Funfact11,

it sounds like youve been through it. what led to the breakup?

i think if you want to maintain a friendship, its a good idea to determine what that looks like.

where would you start?

Hello once removed,

Yes I have been through this before. I decided to break up with her 4 months ago because I felt like I was being used as a sound board, but then she pleaded that she will try to change. Nothing much happened after that in terms of her behavior. She wanted constant attention to the point where she thought I should not work (working a normal 40 hours/week job). She made me feel like I did not care about her or think of her. It's like she wanted me to only think of her and I feel like it got to that point where I only thought of her! That is when I knew something is off, I did not feel quite normal and felt very uneasy about myself because I need alone time, and to build better friendships, and learn new hobbies which I felt like I had no time for.

So yes, I told her yesterday I can only have a platonic relationship with her. I chose this because she is very interesting to me (I was very picky in choosing someone who shared my intellectual interests) and I feel like people with BPD can be extremely affectionate and empathic. I am extremely cold and I feel like I have great trouble expressing my feelings. I believe this is probably due to my upbringing where my father wasn't around much and my mother suffered from depression and anxiety while raising 5 kids in a conflicted country (Palestine 1990s). It kind of makes sense somewhat.

So yes, if you have a BPD partner that allows you to express your feelings it is great but it didn't feel too good to substitute that for my own sanity. I felt like I had to be her caregiver which I tolerated for long enough. I loved her and learned so much from her and about mental illness. Everyone is different but I truly do believe she can change if she chooses to.

[once removed]

So yes, I told her yesterday I can only have a platonic relationship with her. I chose this because she is very interesting to me

you may be putting yourself in a difficult spot.

each successive breakup damages the relationship, and trust, more and more.

so if youve had a couple, if you were going to entertain getting back together, thats something you would need to take into account...how all of that would be repaired.

but then she pleaded that she will try to change.

a breakup, or the threat of one, is a powerful motivator in the short term. thousands of songs written by spurned lovers, with promises of change.

its not necessarily a motivator in the long term. a person really has to want to change. theyll ultimately come to resent you for not wanting them for who they are, for feeling not good enough. and theyll turn that around on you: "what makes YOU so great? why dont YOU change"

more than likely, that is what a friendship is going to represent to her. hope. an opportunity to change and win you back.

and she will be on her best behavior as much as she can. she will show you those qualities you like about her.

and therein lies part of the problem. it sounds like you want to hang on to the best aspects of the relationship, without the attachment. and youre hoping for that change.  

transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship is very difficult, in any circumstance. it happens relatively rarely. and when it succeeds, it tends to come after a significant period of mourning/grieving/letting go of the old relationship, thawing the ice, and then starting a very new relationship that looks very different.

be very clear about what path you want to choose. if its a friendship only, then commit to that, and what it will entail. if its a "wait and see and hopefully get back together", thats a bit different path.

what do you think?

[Funfact11]

you may be putting yourself in a difficult spot.

each successive breakup damages the relationship, and trust, more and more.

so if youve had a couple, if you were going to entertain getting back together, thats something you would need to take into account...how all of that would be repaired.

a breakup, or the threat of one, is a powerful motivator in the short term. thousands of songs written by spurned lovers, with promises of change.

its not necessarily a motivator in the long term. a person really has to want to change. theyll ultimately come to resent you for not wanting them for who they are, for feeling not good enough. and theyll turn that around on you: "what makes YOU so great? why dont YOU change"

more than likely, that is what a friendship is going to represent to her. hope. an opportunity to change and win you back.

and she will be on her best behavior as much as she can. she will show you those qualities you like about her.

and therein lies part of the problem. it sounds like you want to hang on to the best aspects of the relationship, without the attachment. and youre hoping for that change.  

transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship is very difficult, in any circumstance. it happens relatively rarely. and when it succeeds, it tends to come after a significant period of mourning/grieving/letting go of the old relationship, thawing the ice, and then starting a very new relationship that looks very different.

be very clear about what path you want to choose. if its a friendship only, then commit to that, and what it will entail. if its a "wait and see and hopefully get back together", thats a bit different path.

what do you think?

Interesting, I think you are absolutely right about the urgency of repairing the damaged relationship. She has told me that it will be too difficult for her to just think of me just as a friend and it might take her months. I am mostly hanging on because I know the people that support her are no damn good. Especially some of her "friends" who seem to have narcissistic tendencies and most importantly because she has so many physical health complications.

I think you are absolutely right about being clear about the path I want. I feel this and I have to be very careful with my language and use of words as we speak. You're absolutely right, letting go of that attachment is very difficult but I am confident I can do this because today I feel somewhat better than yesterday knowing I can finally focus on my present reality.

I plan to talk to her about things and only things for a long time. If she begins to feel "empty" then I want to stop it there. The first goal of this friendship to me is to relate in certain areas we both like AND then I will see how things will play out. If she wants more than that I plan to retract. She will notice it too, it happened in the last break up where she became less and less interested but I still hung on because she made me feel like I was missing an opportunity. I plan to be on edge this time and see if this friendship only thing would work, if it doesn't so be it.

Thank you so much for these questions, it is making me think a lot about what I should do to prevent myself from getting attached, how to do this and to think about any subtle behaviors she does to cross a boundary that is mutually agreed upon.

[Funfact11]

I was texting my ex last night to check on her health as she has been in the hospital and I have tried to do all the research I can to help her. I was very cold and stood my ground. Intially, the conversation was more along the lines of "you left me", "you think I am a monster" "you never loved me". I kept telling her, "all of us have different needs, and your needs are different than mine. I began to resent you in time because I felt like I had to force myself to listen to you and stop everything I was doing to focus on you." She said, would reply and say "so you didn't feel anything." I said it is very hard for me to feel much. Then she said I should let everyone know including my family that I am doing things without "feeling them" before it is too late since she only does things that she feels. Then she began showing remorse for me like she felt sorry for me. Maybe I am indeed messed up. Im lost!

[khibomsis]

Funfact11, you are absolutely fine just the way you are. You are honest, kind and caring. You are doing what you need to do to be good to yourself, and there is nothing you should feel bad about.  Have a look at this thread, it explains very nicely what is happening: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

 I was married to a person with Asperger's whom I eventually divorced. I divorced because she lied to me about it, and kept the diagnosis a secret for years. It broke all my trust and ended the marriage, which was otherwise ideal in many ways.

I am telling you this so you know it is quite OK to be emotionally distant.  Between consenting adults, anything is fine that they both agree to. What kills relationships is dishonesty, because lies are based in distrust, and love battles to survive where there is no trust.  You have been quite clear what you are like and why, and as little as you can expect her to change should she expect you to change.  Do you think it will work if you keep on checking in like the good friend you are while avoiding the FOG?