Being a mother is a thankless job

[missymoo]

May I ask,
could you walk away and stop all contact with the adult child that has BPD in your family?
Forever?

IS IT BRAVERY, A LIFE SAVING MEASURE OR SHEER STUPIDITY?
Cast your vote,

Thank you,
Missy Moo

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

I think depending on the circumstances sometimes stopping contact can be prudent, especially in cases of danger/ violence.  Forever?  Not so sure about that one.  My answer would be for " as long as it takes", howe depending on the circumstances.  I would allow reinstatement of contact if not abusive/threatening.

[beatricex]

Yes, and we have done it.  8 mos, no contact, it was her choice as she texted "you will never see me or my kids again" 

I suggested therapy and the last text was "if you don't stop I will file for harrassment."

we actually don't even miss her, she is that big of a pain in our butt

B

[HurtBrooklyn]

I vote for staying away and letting the adult child with BPD come to you. It could take a long time but my experience is that when I reach our to her her response is measurably worse than when she approaches me.  Of course, it always changes and she often is more civil to me when she needs something and as soon as she gets it, she's back to abusive language.

[Swimmy55]

I should have added that I am currently estranged from my adult son, too.  I don't reach out to him.  After 5 months of silence, I did recently get a belated happy birthday text from him.  I texted back ,"thank you, I love you." and that was that.  I am actually quite satisfied by that exchange , truth to tell .

[Huat]

Hmmmmm?    "Forever"... you are asking?   Let me think.

We are now turning the calendar into the 5th year of being estranged from our daughter and the once-little-loves-of-our-lives...our 2 now adult grandchildren.    This isn't the first time this has happened...most not as long...but so many that I can't give a count.  Given our advanced ages, the reality is that it could well be our last.

We have years and years of history behind us, filled with drama caused by her...broken relationships, custody battles, single motherhood, financial difficulties...to say nothing of when those little grandchildren were kept on one side of the door while we were on the other.  One would think this pandemic would bring this to an end.  Seems not...but...no longer shedding the tears I did.  Once a Mom, though, always a Mom...and every now and then my eyes do water up.

In our case, I am with HurtBrooklyn on this one.  Our daughter will have to come to us...but even in writing that...not so sure I want another run around the track...too old, too tired...doing just fine!

Oh our "honeymoons" with her have been great...promises of never-again's...but then out of the blue she will explode...because of...?  This time she even threw in that my husband of 58 years (her father) is only staying with me because he is honouring his wedding vows.  Ouch, huh?  Well, also...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Swimmy writes..."depending on circumstances sometimes stopping contact can be prudent, especially in cases of danger."   I don't worry for my husband because he does no wrong in her eyes...won't have to worry if he is the one left behind.  Me?  Well...not so sure.  I am being pro-active in that regard, though, with safe-guards being put in place.

So, what works for one does not necessarily work for another.   Just make sure that you always take time to look after...  ...you.  That really was a turning point for me.

Huat



 

[jefferson]

I agree that every situation is different. 
Sometimes relishing in the silence and being free from the drama is comforting. 
Forever is a pretty tough commitment. 
Hope that you take time for yourself during this difficult time. 
You are absolutely correct that being a mother is a thankless job.  Having an adult child with BPD is far more than that.  It is an emotional roller coaster. 
Sounds like it is definitely time to get off the ride for awhile.  See where you end up.