codependent relationship

[Snaders]

My wife and her trans-daughter are in a codependent relationship, as I understand “codependency” defined here, in BDFFamily, that has, over time, put our 30 year marriage to the test many times. I’ve know “M” since she was 13. She didn’t come out as trans until about 10 years ago but, as I look back, the codependency has always been present. I would define her relationship with her father as “estranged.” I believe in the past 15 years they may have met up one time for lunch. I’m really struggling to maintain our marriage. I’m looking for some tips. Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Hi Snaders, welcome to the family.

Can you share a little more information?  What are the aspects of their relationship which cause your marriage the most stress?

Do you suspect one or both of having Borderline tendencies?

[Snaders]

Thanks for reply. For years I questioned whether step daughter was “unable” or “unwilling” to engage in life. I believe because my wife is her enabler, she is unwilling. She has no income, zero. Wife bought a house for her to live in rent free; she bought her a car, maintains it, buys her gas; food, everything including all her marijuana “needs,” and alcohol. And I’m in on this budget, too, because I pay our bills even though we both had similar salaries before we retired. What aspects of their relationship you ask? This kid is number 1, I’m number 2. Who comes first in you family? I know. It’s complicated. In the past two weeks they’ve spent 5 days, four nights (and counting) away RV camping. I’m certainly not opposed to them spending time together but my wife’s focus is on her trans daughter  (we each have two children from prior marriages, the other kids over 1,500 miles away). M moved here in 2007 when she ended up homeless (and with the law chasing her down for child support (we’re talking 6 digits) - she has two children now over 18 - and marijuana possession in a state where no pot is legal). I can go on but the point is that the marriage needs to come first. There’s agreement that when mom passes on, so will M (she has self-destructive tendencies, self harm, addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, under-achievement https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

[once removed]

the marriage needs to come first.

i tend to agree with you.

the fact is, that blending families is hard, whether or not bpd is involved.

conflicts like these put a lot of strain on marriages. bpd generally makes them worse.

i imagine that you and your wife have spoken to each other a lot about this. how has it gone down?

[Snaders]

Yes, and we’ve been in and out of therapy, marriage counseling, several times, including the 7 months before lockdown. This was Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Every time discussion including her daughter came up, she ended up weeping. Very emotional. Very sad.

[khibomsis]

Snaders that is tough spot to be in. It sounds to me as if you feel there are three of you in the marriage and in some ways you are not the most important life partner to your wife. It is very sad if so.
The bottom line is you cant change the way they relate to each other but you can change the way you relate to your wife. You can stop enabling the co dependency. I for one would definitely start setting boundaries around finances. For sure the less money your wife has the less there will be for SDto spend. Changes in your behaviour will cause changes in them  Have you expressed to your wife that you wish your contributions to be equal?

[Snaders]

Just saw your response. Thanks much. Apologize for not responding earlier. Finances is a complicated subject, too. Sometimes I do feel like I’m being “taken for a ride.” And it’s not so much that I’m supporting my wife by paying our bills, for the most part, but that my two children aren’t getting their fair share. I’m not worried about my son and his family: he makes more than I ever did and is a very good position with his family. My daughter, on the other hand, struggles as a single parent and I certainly don’t want to leave this world as her mother did when she died of pancreatic cancer in 2004: her mother basically left my daughter nothing; the insurance money went to her husband. Plus, M’s father has not helped out financially until is father died last year and left the grandkids with inheritance, that is now in a special account to help my wife pay M’s bills. Bottom line, though, is that when wife goes, M would run out of funds rather quickly. My real problem is I don’t feel I’m her number one even though she says I am. And I understand her wanting to help M. No question M has challenges but none that couldn’t be helped by a mother who would work on her own challenges. She clearly has scars from her past. So do I!  I haven’t said much about my own challenges that, right now, are preventing me from living the retired life I so looked forward to. But I feel like I’m working on them, I was the one that got us into the marriage counseling. I’m the one who is working with an individual counselor, participating in these on line types of discussion. Looking forward help! Thanks.

[Couper]

You can only help those that are willing to help themselves.  Unless I missed it, I haven't seen where you said the stepdaughter has engaged in counseling, or any other activity, to improve her own lot in life.  If that is the case, would your wife be willing to tie support to her daughter putting forth the effort to stand on her own two feet?  

[Snaders]

Yes, agree, and that’s why I’d said previously, step daughter is unwilling to help herself, even if it means making life difficult for her own mother - she seems to be that desperate. I took her to an appointment with a psychiatrist. After we checked in and sat down to wait, she couldn’t do it, she got up and ran out of the office. My wife had similar experiences. When she came out as trans, our thought was to get her to go to trans groups. We started by going to PFLAG meetings. She wouldn’t go to those although we got her daughter and son to go (also an ex-girlfriend). We then attended trans group meetings. Still couldn’t get her to go. The feedback we kept getting is that she will attend when she is ready. Frankly, I don’t see it happening. Life has been made too easy for her. She has manipulated her mother. And her mother seems to get some benefit out of continuing to baby her. I don’t know. Again, she estranged from her own father (and “wicked” step mother! Lol!). I know they would not put up with this but, then, they don’t, they’re not part of her life. Kind of sad, really. Thanks for your response. Tying her helping herself to financial support is what I’ve advocated for a long time to no avail.