Looking for advice on handling separation anxiety

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Over the past 2 years I have gone essentially no contact with every single member of my large, chaotically enmeshed family, except for my non-BPD father (divorced) who has seemingly been supporting me. He now appears to have finally revealed his true colors and has proven where his loyalties really lie: with my toxic family system.

This means that I now am facing the very painful reality that the belief that I have been comforting myself with, which is that at least I still have a father, is in fact, a fantasy. This is triggering feelings which I can only describe as separation anxiety. Or maybe it’s really just oxytocin withdrawal?

Would anyone have any words of wisdom on how I can best navigate this time in my life, especially with the holidays coming up? I am already in therapy as well as a therapy group, but somehow it doesn’t seem like that’s enough. TIA!

[Couscous]

Over the past 2 years I have gone essentially no contact with every single member of my large, chaotically enmeshed family, except for my non-BPD father (divorced) who has seemingly been supporting me. He now appears to have finally revealed his true colors and has proven where his loyalties really lie: with my toxic family system.

This means that I now am facing the very painful reality that the belief that I have been comforting myself with, which is that at least I still have a father, is in fact, a fantasy. This is triggering feelings which I can only describe as separation anxiety. Or maybe it’s really just oxytocin withdrawal?

Would anyone have any words of wisdom on how I can best navigate this time in my life, especially with the holidays coming up? I am already in therapy as well as a therapy group, but somehow it doesn’t seem like that’s enough. TIA!

[Methuen]

He now appears to have finally revealed his true colors and has proven where his loyalties really lie: with my toxic family system.

  He’s divorced from your mother yes?  So I’m guessing he is triangulating with your siblings?  Is that what’s happening, or is my guess way off?

[Couscous]

 He’s divorced from your mother yes?  So I’m guessing he is triangulating with your siblings?  Is that what’s happening, or is my guess way off?

Yes, divorced from my BPD mother and it looks like he’s started triangulating. Or another way of putting it is that he’s a codependent agent. He put up a really good act of staying “neutral” for about two years and acting like he was above all the drama, and even gave me the impression that he had my best interests at heart, but recents events have proven otherwise.

In a way, it’s a blessing in disguise for me because now I can finally just bow out and completely step off of the drama triangle once and for all. I now can see how much he began hooking me back into the drama by suddenly playing “peacemaker”, which had been my sister’s role until I successfully “detriangled” with her. He picked up the torch the instant she set it down. But that’s just how these dysfunctional family dynamics seem to work. It’s all quite predictable actually.

[Notwendy]

Couscous,

I think it's grief.

It's natural that you clung to the relationship with your father and needed to believe he was supportive of you. I know that feeling. I was a "daddy's girl" and to me, my father hung the moon. He was my hero.

Yet, like your father, he was also human and co-dependent. It was when I began working on my own co-dependent tendencies that I understood him better. He did love me, your father loves you, but they also have an "addiction" to being a co-dependent agent in the family dysfunction. I too probably imagined the relationship was different. How could we not? We were children. Daddy's are heroes to daughters. We need that. In addition, he was my only "parent"- the one who did act as a parent to me.  

It's a form of betrayal. It's actually like a break up- not a romantic one but being "dumped" by Dad was as hurtful, more hurtful, than being dumped by a guy. It's possible to break up with someone and then meet someone new later, but a father is a special role.

It's grief Couscous. In addition, several family members on my mother's side stopped speaking to me. I had known them since I was little. I was shocked to think they could do that. I didn't imagine it. I grieved that as well.

Grief takes its own time. It's OK to feel what you feel.

[Couscous]

Notwendy,

Thanks for your comment. You are absolutely right — it truly is a betrayal. And yes, it is grief that I am experiencing.

I guess it’s time for me to finally grow up and become the fully separate, differentiated adult that I was always meant to be. As the Hero child though, getting over my compulsive rescuing habit is not going to be easy. Accepting the reality that even with all my newfound knowledge of BPD family dynamics and complex trauma, I still cannot save my family, is going to be very hard. Truth be told, I have no idea who I even am outside of my family role.