Finding support while divorcing wife with BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Update: Well, I tried, but I lost.

The judge ruled on Monday that my BPD ex was credible on the stand (go figure) and I wasn't. My amazing lawyer argued for our 2 dogs to be equally divided under the marital property act, but the judge ignored that argument and only ruled on my dog-- which she said should stay with my ex.

Apparently there were a host of procedural issues. My lawyer wants to appeal the decision, as the judge neglected to rule on the 2nd dog. My lawyer wants the decision overturned and the 2 dogs split between the two of us.

I told him I would decide in the new year. I'm tired. It's been a long slog. I knew there were no guarantees going in, but 40 lawyers I spoke to told me that my wife's credibility was shot the day she broke in and took my dog. But apparently not to this one judge.

To make matters worse, my mother (god love her) phoned my ex wife's mother (I did not know she'd done that)-- who yelled at her about what a terrible person I am, how I'm a liar, and a blackmailer, and then she hung up. I know my BPD ex's mother has drank the Kool-aid and is protecting her kid, but jesus. I've been in tears all week. I just can't get over this.

I'm exhausted from carrying all this pain and anger around. I'm working now, so I kind of just want to offer my BPD ex a bunch of money to end all of this. If I have to spend more money, I'd rather give it to her than to more lawyers.

 

[shopgirl26]

Update: Well, I tried, but I lost.

The judge ruled on Monday that my BPD ex was credible on the stand (go figure) and I wasn't. My amazing lawyer argued for our 2 dogs to be equally divided under the marital property act, but the judge ignored that argument and only ruled on my dog-- which she said should stay with my ex.

Apparently there were a host of procedural issues. My lawyer wants to appeal the decision, as the judge neglected to rule on the 2nd dog. My lawyer wants the decision overturned and the 2 dogs split between the two of us.

I told him I would decide in the new year. I'm tired. It's been a long slog. I knew there were no guarantees going in, but 40 lawyers I spoke to told me that my wife's credibility was shot the day she broke in and took my dog. But apparently not to this one judge.

To make matters worse, my mother (god love her) phoned my ex wife's mother (I did not know she'd done that)-- who yelled at her about what a terrible person I am, how I'm a liar, and a blackmailer, and then she hung up. I know my BPD ex's mother has drank the Kool-aid and is protecting her kid, but jesus. I've been in tears all week. I just can't get over this.

I'm exhausted from carrying all this pain and anger around. I'm working now, so I kind of just want to offer my BPD ex a bunch of money to end all of this. If I have to spend more money, I'd rather give it to her than to more lawyers.

 

[ForeverDad]

There are no children, so no parenting or custody issues.  Seems the support animal issue is likely over.  What's left to resolve in order to end the marriage?  Are there any assets or debts in dispute?  What is left to argue over?

I understand that even with only spite left the stbEx can still delay a final decree.  But it will come eventually.  I suspect that if you offer her money to settle and quickly end the marriage, she who is financed by her mother, she may counter with a higher demand.

[sterlingblue]

Shopgirl: Sorry the hearing did not go the way it should have gone.  Unfortunately, often it's the luck of the draw in terms of which judge rules on your case.

Just know that after reading your story, I believe you 100%.  Time will heal these wounds, and you will lead a great life.

[Sluggo]

So sorry shopgirl. 

After getting the final decree and ruling from the judge which I lost also, it gave me permission to look forward to the future and not dwell on the past and pain. 

Sluggo

[shopgirl26]

thank you all for the support and kind words. I can't stop sobbing this week. It's being found not credible that gets me. She admitted on the stand to premeditating the whole break in, but because she answered questions "quickly and confidently" she is the credible witness.

the judge ruled on my dog only--so the other dog unfortunately remains property in dispute. My lawyer is beside himself and wants to appeal--he says the judge made procedural errors that make a good case for appeal, and her neglecting to rule on the other dog, when we'd asked her to divide the two dogs, leaves property in dispute. He also wants to argue that this sets a dangerous precedent in family court wherein angry parties can carry out this kind of wild west justice and have their behaviour condoned by the court.

I don't know. People go through so much worse. I've met so many people in support groups who have lost access to their children. I should let this go. But I can't let it go. I've been diagnosed with PTSD from all of this. And she gets off with both dogs and all of her legal bills bankrolled by her (narcissist) mother.

Appealing will cost money. I'm exhausted. But I've sobbed all day and night this week and walking feels like letting her get away with this.

[sterlingblue]

It certainly seems like you have a case for an appeal, but I don't know what the success rate is in overturning a judge's ruling (I'd guess much less than 50%).

I can certainly see both sides of the decision as you said, but you are the only one who knows whether to appeal, or not appeal, will leave you mentally in a better place in the long run.  Think about it and trust yourself to make the right decision.  Then once you make the decision, don't look back.  My two cents, anyway.  Good luck.