Where can I drop off all this Baggage on the Kobayashi Maru?

[Travinator]

Been lurking around here for several weeks and am happy to have found this site.
My wife Im sure has BPD. Suffered tremendous abuse as a child and displays all symptoms many have described here. My first indication was the love bombing which really threw me off and then the push-pull In our relationship. Id never met anyone who was so black and white either. Im either the greatest guy in the world or the spawn of Satan. We have been to countless therapists and it always somehow turns into my fault and I need to make changes (TRYING!) She goes thru all emails, texts, social media posts and I have been accused of cheating, a pedophile, every name in the book, had tea thrown in my face been told that my own family hates me etc. I have compared my life to the test that is given new StarFleet captains called the Kobayashi Maru. You are given 2 choices…both of them result in the death of either your crew or another and its how you handle it but either choice is wrong!
Ive read a couple of the books suggested in the tools section and they help but progress is minimal. I have had to set some boundaries. Shes also threatened divorce or a separation and also threatened suicide (she attempted as a teenager) which really frightens and also angers me. The roller coaster is really starting to take its toll and Im feeling extremely worn down. There are some days when I feel like im on the verge of losing it and my patience is thin. Sometimes I feel that I am the problem. I just need a place to vent and feel safe about doing so. I had to login on my work email as again she goes thru all my personal emails. I just need to not feel so alone in this. Thanks for reading this and I know everyone out there gets it

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Travinator, welcome to the site. Super glad you found us, lurked, and then reached out. Relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD, whether they have a diagnosis or not) are exhausting and HARD. The more support you have, the better. Plus a sense of humor, which I think I'm getting from you!

Everything you mention in your post sounds familiar: Trying some tools but seeing minimal progress, setting boundaries, getting threats to do all kinds of stuff. Intrusive paranoia, no privacy, the roller coaster, the exhaustion, the anger, wondering if you really are crazy or the problem. You're definitely among people who get it.

Smart move to set this up through your work email. Though the person in my life with BPD traits isn't a spouse (it's my husband's kids' mom, FWIW), I still don't access this site on public home electronics, because the kids don't have the awareness yet to handle running across all this.

I just need a place to vent and feel safe about doing so.

This is that place, and more -- vent as much as you need to, it's a safe group to let out your frustration so it doesn't build up. You can also walk us through some of the key recurring conflicts that happened, in a "he said she said" kind of way, and if you want, we can give feedback on "hey, when she said this and then you did that, that was a moment you could try Z instead of X next time and see if that helps". Just to help it not get worse, so you can get some breathing room. Relationships with pwBPD are so high intensity that it's difficult to find time for YOU and getting YOU back to baseline. Something else we can talk about with you.

Thanks for reading this and I know everyone out there gets it

110%

Let us know how today has been for you, if there's anything you need to vent about, and what some key conflicts have tended to be -- whenever works for you.

-kells76

[Travinator]

Thank you!

[kells76]

 

Also just a heads up that later today I will move your post to the "Bettering A Relationship" board -- you'll probably get more specific feedback there. I'll leave a link so you can find it, no worries.

-kells76

[Couscous]

Hi Travinator,

I'm glad you found this site and I wanted to encourage you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like you are realizing that you can no longer tolerate living like this, and this is actually a very good place to be in, as painful as it may be while you're in it. I'm reminded of this quote: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

I am not at all surprised to hear of your experience in couple's therapy. Unfortunately there are far too many therapists out there that are codependent and are not clued into the dynamics of abusive relationships, and this is crazymaking for the target of abuse. For this reason, couple's counseling is usually not advised when a member of the couple has a personality disorder.

Your first task is going to be that you recognize that you are in an abusive relationship. I'm not sure which of the recommended books you have read, but of the many books on that list that I have read, the ones that were most impactful for me were The Betrayal Bond and Inner Bonding. Here is a link to an article by Margaret Paul, the author of Inner Bonding that might resonate with you: https://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-margaret-paul/are-you-verbally-or-emotionally-abusive-relationship

[Travinator]

For many Years I didn't quite get it until a friend bluntly told me " You are in an abusive relationship". You're right...recognizing what your actually in is a start and having a support system and a strong moral compass has helped tremendously.
Its the good times that throws me off. I feel like I lower my guard and then WHAM! it will be a random blindside and I'm back to being Hitler.  I'll definitely take a look at that book.

[khibomsis]

Travinator, it's the good times throw us all off. If they were 100 % evil it would be easy. Read up on the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in the TOOLS section above this board.

We also need to question what it is about us that is addicted to drama. I am now in a long distance relationship that is stable - we haven't broken up in almost a year. We have both been working hard to heal, get along much better, and at least 50% of the credit must go to my partner's determination to get well. And guess what? When she stopped dysregulating I spent a couple of months being bored. I grew up with a uNBPD mom and a co-dependent Dad, for me love and drama were synonymous. It has taken months for my nervous system to calm down, my heart to catch up with my body and my system to untrigger. I can truthfully say that for the first time in my life I am not living in a state of heightened consciousness. When you are born with PTSD you don't know any better. These days boring is fun. We are having a great time composting eggshells.

Your key out of the Kobayashi Maru is to choose yourself and your sanity. That starts with investigating your own possible addiction to drama.

Have you considered therapy for yourself?
 

[TheBatHammer]

I have compared my life to the test that is given new StarFleet captains called the Kobayashi Maru. You are given 2 choices…both of them result in the death of either your crew or another and its how you handle it but either choice is wrong!

Ironically, much like the Maru, the only way to “win” at all is to change the conditions and rules of the test. Stop playing by someone else’s rules. Easier said than done.

[Travinator]

I have done alot of therapy..years and years of it. For me it was pinning down what was actually happening and that I wasnt entirely the problem. I realize that yes I am part of the problem. It was also exploring my own trauma as a child and my need to rescue. Just like Captain Kirk Ive been trying to change the scenario but like you said harder said than done.

[Couscous]

Travinator,

Did your therapist ever suggest that you attend 12 Step meetings like SLAA or CoDA?