Newly married husband split for three months

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. I've taken a break because I wanted to focus on the relationship without any insight, opinions, etc. I'll give a brief update.

When I arrived to the US, he sent me a long message saying he was ready to divorce and all of the reasons why. They were not malicious, he just said he was tired of hurting and that we weren't right for each other. We called and I was ready to divorce (I don't know if that's what I actually wanted but I was so exhausted). He broke down crying and had a panic attack. We agreed on giving it another go. He said he basically realised that divorce is not what he wanted and he was so overshadows by emotions he couldn't control, and we basically spent all of October messaging long messages back and forth discussing what needs to change, what our expectations are, our insecurities, anything. Since then, he went to his GP, they agreed that he has depression though he needs to be formally diagnosed. He has reached out to a therapist (the appt is this Thursday) and even told her that he thinks he has BPD and wants to do DBT. I can't write out everything we discussed but I'll just say it was an intense month of us communicating and him improving himself through journaling, researching therapy, DBT, listening to podcasts, etc. We truly shared everything we've been feeling and he outright apologised immensely for being abusive, for making me feel unsafe, etc. 

When I came back Nov 1, things were great for a week. The second week things were good but I noticed that he was trying a bit less. The third week was still good, but in general I was beginning to get anxious. The other shoe dropped yesterday when I pointed out that one of the two glasses he was trying on had a blue glare, and his mood just dropped. I kept calm the entire time home and we were actually still able to converse. But I did ask him if he was okay when we got home and that's when he burst and I presume, split again.

It's clear to me that my husband is a good person with good intentions and truly does love me. I can see that he really does want to change and that he's able to accept all of these things—that he has a mental illness, possibly BPD, and that he may lose me if he cannot change. We've had long conversations many times since I've been back as well, about how nervous we are but how excited he is for therapy and how much he wants to get better.

Though I am tired and sad, I still have some hope. At the beginning of the relationship he went from apologising but still in denial, to now fully accepting and ready to change and even saying "BPD".

What I will do now is pretend he doesn't exist again (I've learned that trying to talk, trying to touch, etc makes things worse), see if he goes to his therapy appointment, and assess from there. I need to do my art portfolio so I will focus on that. He knows I am likely moving back to the US next August and I will continue to move forward with my plans.

What I am regretting and kicking myself for, is not bring up "what to do if you split again?" Time and time people have suggested I do this but I kept enjoying the good times and not digging enough into the possible BPD. In our long messages, I have expressed my worry about if his behavior goes sour again. He said he wasn't sure, but he will try his best and do everything he can to make me happy, not just for me but for himself.

I'm sensitive right now, so I am just seeking support. Though the friends I trust are there for me, I still feel so lonely. I feel like a broken record to them, though they insist I'm not. Thank you all <3

[bluebutterflies]

Hi all. I've taken a break because I wanted to focus on the relationship without any insight, opinions, etc. I'll give a brief update.

When I arrived to the US, he sent me a long message saying he was ready to divorce and all of the reasons why. They were not malicious, he just said he was tired of hurting and that we weren't right for each other. We called and I was ready to divorce (I don't know if that's what I actually wanted but I was so exhausted). He broke down crying and had a panic attack. We agreed on giving it another go. He said he basically realised that divorce is not what he wanted and he was so overshadows by emotions he couldn't control, and we basically spent all of October messaging long messages back and forth discussing what needs to change, what our expectations are, our insecurities, anything. Since then, he went to his GP, they agreed that he has depression though he needs to be formally diagnosed. He has reached out to a therapist (the appt is this Thursday) and even told her that he thinks he has BPD and wants to do DBT. I can't write out everything we discussed but I'll just say it was an intense month of us communicating and him improving himself through journaling, researching therapy, DBT, listening to podcasts, etc. We truly shared everything we've been feeling and he outright apologised immensely for being abusive, for making me feel unsafe, etc. 

When I came back Nov 1, things were great for a week. The second week things were good but I noticed that he was trying a bit less. The third week was still good, but in general I was beginning to get anxious. The other shoe dropped yesterday when I pointed out that one of the two glasses he was trying on had a blue glare, and his mood just dropped. I kept calm the entire time home and we were actually still able to converse. But I did ask him if he was okay when we got home and that's when he burst and I presume, split again.

It's clear to me that my husband is a good person with good intentions and truly does love me. I can see that he really does want to change and that he's able to accept all of these things—that he has a mental illness, possibly BPD, and that he may lose me if he cannot change. We've had long conversations many times since I've been back as well, about how nervous we are but how excited he is for therapy and how much he wants to get better.

Though I am tired and sad, I still have some hope. At the beginning of the relationship he went from apologising but still in denial, to now fully accepting and ready to change and even saying "BPD".

What I will do now is pretend he doesn't exist again (I've learned that trying to talk, trying to touch, etc makes things worse), see if he goes to his therapy appointment, and assess from there. I need to do my art portfolio so I will focus on that. He knows I am likely moving back to the US next August and I will continue to move forward with my plans.

What I am regretting and kicking myself for, is not bring up "what to do if you split again?" Time and time people have suggested I do this but I kept enjoying the good times and not digging enough into the possible BPD. In our long messages, I have expressed my worry about if his behavior goes sour again. He said he wasn't sure, but he will try his best and do everything he can to make me happy, not just for me but for himself.

I'm sensitive right now, so I am just seeking support. Though the friends I trust are there for me, I still feel so lonely. I feel like a broken record to them, though they insist I'm not. Thank you all <3

[Notwendy]

No advice - just support. Hoping you will come to the best decision for you. Thanks for posting your update!

[bluebutterflies]

Thank you so much NotWendy. For now there is no decision to make, I do want to be with him. But again I will re-assess at the end of the year and continue to journal, monitor my feelings, his activity, etc.

[Notwendy]

I meant you would come to a decision in time about how his personal work on his behavior is going, whether it's helping him and whether or not he is staying with it.

What has happened in the short run is a pattern of push pull. When you went to the US, he became fearful of losing the relationship. The motivation for him was external- based on your decision. He didn't want to lose you, so he was very motivated at the time to have you come back and try again. There is nothing wrong or insincere about his feelings or his promises. He was motivated to work on things at the time.

What changed was that when you returned, the motivation- which is external- lessened. You were back, and committed to the relationship. This is normal- this is how humans work. We work for a paycheck but for some of us, if we won the lottery, our motivation to work would not be there anymore. We'd quit our jobs.

Unless we were internally motivated. Some work is internally motivating- we like our work- and yes, we like the paycheck too, but if we won the lottery, maybe we'd do something similar like volunteer or stay at the job due to internal motivation. Therapy and self change is most effective when someone is internally motivated to do that work, because they want to change. Internal motivation helps us keep at something, even when challenged or not, because we want it, it aligns with our values.

You know your H, nobody here can know if he's internally motivated or not. Here is how you will know it. He will keep working on himself, even when you are back and the external motivation, the fear of losing you, isn't there as much.

If you continue in this pattern- if you decide you can't manage things as they are- and pull back, and he then shapes up, and you come back and he then goes back to his old behaviors, you will know it's external motivation.

However, you are ,at the moment, motivated to stay with him. Nobody here will tell you to stay or leave. That is entirely up to you. On your part though, you can not predict or change your H's behavior. If he continues to do his splitting behavior- you can't control that. What you can control is your response to it. You will need to work on managing your own feelings when he splits, do your own thing, whatever that is, and not have your feelings dependent on his moods, or they will go up and down with him and the two of you will continue together in the push-pull pattern. His motivation varying with whether you are pursuing the marriage and your feelings varying with his moods. It would be better for you if you could stay busy, and less affected by his moods during his split times. For this, you may also need counseling and support.

I hope for the best for you too with this, and that he does do the work to improve his behaviors and that it gets better for you.

[ForeverDad]

Notwendy wrote so well.  Copy that to somewhere so you can reference it periodically.  Not on the family refrigerator of course but somewhere in your personal space along with your other reminders and encouragements.

It is excellent for the here and now.  As you know, so much depends on not just how he is, keeping in mind his push-pull relationship tendencies, but also on his progress and whether it continues.  If the relationship reaches a plateau where it seems the ups and downs are aren't improving any more, then it may be time to assess your long time goals and expectations.  Five years, ten years from now, would you still want to keep trying and managing as you are now?  If you want children — and children are a huge marital complication where it is no longer just the two of you — his mental health too would be a major factor since parenting is not just 20 years, it's a lifetime.

[bluebutterflies]

Ah I understand now. Thank you so much, I read the "decision" as in, I needed to decide right now if I wanted to stay or go. I'm considering moving back to the "Bettering" board as well but for now will just stay put. I will just do my best like you said to focus on myself and try not to be affected by his moods.

I did wonder whether my living with him would be a good or bad or neutral idea. I wondered if I should have stayed somewhere else, but either way I'm not sure if it would have mattered. He still needs to be internally motivated.

And as much as I appreciate his words, I need to see action. We worked together to find a therapist for him and he has his first therapy appt this Thursday and I just hope he goes. I will be devastated if he doesn't, but I cannot control that. So I will take things day by day and focus on myself and just see what happens. Hopefully things really go uphill from here. I really hope so, because this is the first time he's really admitting and taking accountability for everything and more.