Lack of Affection, Sex, and Intimacy is Wearing Me Down Today

[Rockylove]

I really get lost when it comes to matters of sex and BPD.  I didn't know how to respond to him at all!  He rejected my advances at times and made some really rude remarks.  It did sting my ego a bit, but I figured he was just insecure (he had a prescription for Viagra or something similar) and when I let it go and let him know that it wasn't about the act of "sex" for me, he relaxed.  It was still a bit of a struggle for the 1st year, but I didn't push it and let him initiate.  I spent a lot of time cuddling and showing other gestures of affection, but not actually requesting SEX.  It worked in my favor to some extent.  He wanted to make sure I was putting LOVE behind the act and I do... .  he seems to want to separate lust (his stupid internet slutlings) from loving (his relationship with me)  I don't get that part of it at all... .  and if anyone has a theory, I'm willing to listen. 

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[CodependentHusband]

Good point, ladies. Yep... .  The calendar thing is something I've seen mentioned as a tip for some couples to try... .  More of a checkbox for, 'yes... Okay, we've tried everything.'

Really good point about touch = sex. I certainly don't feel that way, but I guess my wife could have that association. Its ironic though, because that non-sexual touch is more of a problem than the lack of sex for me. Sure, I'd love to have more sex, but really, if the frequency stayed the same, and there was more touching in between, that would be awesome. One thing too is that she asks me to do the majority of touching. When she does let me hold her, she rarely holds me at the same time. That might sound a little silly, but when I have my arms around her, it would be better for me if she had just one arm drapes over me too, instead of both of her arms pulled in to herself. I've told her gently that I like that when she does, and on the rare event that she does, I've told her how much I like it.

[laelle]

I think the calendar might and I mean a big might help if you are a couple who just have trouble finding time due to family, stress and work.

If I had intimacy issues I would see them on that calendar and it would hurt.  It would expose them and make me feel like a failure.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

I have been watching this thread very closely... .  As it is close to my heart... .  

As things have started to improve for me over the past 4 to 6 months (by taking care of myself, seeing a T, refusing to argue or JADE and praticing validation) - I can see things are changing, for the worse for my pwBPD (this may be the "it gets worse before it gets better" thing?).

To the point of this tread however - I, like most others it would seem, would initiate 95% to 99.9% of ALL forms of affection over the past 3-4 years as things have spiralled out of control. Prior to this very long, very trying period (we have been in our r/s for 20 years), I was still the one initiating 7 or 8 times of of 10.

This goes for all forms of affection, the peck on the check before bed, hand holding... .  all the way to sex.

And, it would seem like most of you, I get rejected often... .  And this has been VERY hard on my ego.

Over the past several months, as I work VERY hard on myself, I can see a rather dramatic change in her (not a good change as I mentioned) - in the past month or so the "peck on the cheek" has, for example, become a trigger. I could see her eye's change as I would approach her from a "normal" person to the look of "anger/hate/despair".

I believe for my r/s it has come to one simple (as simple as it gets for a r/s with a pwBPD anyway) thing - CONTROL.

My uBPDw has been controling almost EVERY interaction between us for almost 20 years. And now she see's she cannot, or is not any more, in control of "my" emotions she has "upped the ante" by controlling (more than she had in the past) the affection within the r/s.

I, like codependantH had mentioned early in this thread, have "backed" away. It has been 6 weeks (yes... .  thats right... .  don't complain about 2 weeks... .  ) since we have had sex - simply because I have not initiated. And now it has been just a little more than 1 week since I have stopped the "peck on the cheek" (I can't help but see the pain in her eyes).

So, it would seem to me that I have a very similar problem, codependantH.

Do I allow her this control?

Or, does allowing her to control our affection continue the cycle of codependence and dysfunction?

Or, does my withholding my affections continue this cycle?

Very confusing... .  

[20years]

Hi Codep how are you feeling today bless you... .  you stated that your motivation is not to feel rejection. With respect that is easier said than done for a non. We havn't got BPD.  It became fundamentally opressive for me to repress wanting to reach out and give my love and affection.  

To wait for him to decide what form of affection I was to be given and when became absolutely intolerable. I just withered away and died... .  

[CodependentHusband]

itsnotmyfaulta,

   I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. A little over a month is the longest we've gone in between, and, you are very right when you say it can get much worse... .  no doubt about that. In fact, that is what I am fearful of, so, I want to make sure I am doing what I can on my side of the r/s. To give you a little background, I've been working the tools for a little over a year now, and I've been with my dBPDw for about 3 years. She used to have some intense rage episodes directed at me on a regular basis. Through the use of tools, that aspect, which was the most troubling and damaging to the r/s, has been pretty well under control for quite a while now. With having so much improvement in our day to day lives, the majority of our interactions are much more positive than they used to be before last year. I used to take the rejections for affection VERY hard, and it did impact my self-esteem. I honestly am at a place when it no longer impacts my self esteem, but, as fate would have it, as soon as we clear one hurdle, another one pops back up... .  it's about continual improvement, I guess. What's going on with me now is that I don't expect her to necessarily do anything; however, I do not feel loved during times like this. I know that might sound like I am splitting hairs here, but it is a little different type of hurt. Luckily, it is nowhere near as intense as the pain I felt when my self esteem was being impacted. Now sometimes I feel like an unloved, confident guy, if that makes any sense.

   I think that you are right about the control thing... .  I think that my pulling back for quite a while has made my wife feel more in control of our interaction, from simple hand holding, all the way up to sex. She's not much for kissing very often, but when she stopped giving me those little pecks on the cheek, holding hands, or anything like that, but we also got along so much better in every other dimension of the relationship, that kind of leaves me confused. I think I am just going to start being a little more proactive in touching her more often, as was suggested. It's all about finding just the right balance, I think.

   I hope that things get better for you soon too, and that you are able to find something that is going to help your r/s as well. This is a difficult journey, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She is worth it.



20years,

   I really am feeling MUCH better today. Looking forward to the weekend. My daughter is with us this weekend, and hopefully me, dBPDw, D8, SD13, and SD15 will find something fun to do as a family.

[real lady]

Hi CodepH; I am sorry to hear that you are facing the dreaded BPD rejection; it hurts so badly. 

As far as my uBPDso goes, he has not initiated physical contact for several months. I stopped "reaching out" and hugging him when I "felt like it"; not necessarily to "get some back" but he was not open to it so I STOPPED. I don't know if that is a good thing or not... .  it doesn't give him the reminder that I am "here"... .  I stopped saying the expected "I love you" at the end of a conversation as to show him that it is HIS CHOICE to SAY he loves me but shows me NO physical attention. He still calls me "hon" when it is ok for him but other than that, there is no physical or verbal "attention" or sweetness going on and it hurts but I have radically accepted that HE WILL COME TO ME when and IF he wants MY attention. Until then, we exists quite separately.

I have moved to the "undecided" (because of detachment) but I am "staying" with him in his household for now... .  writing a song about it that I might record and post for all who "be so close but feel so far away" from their pwBPD... .  it is heartbreaking to LOVE and not have it reciprocated... .  

I think that this is the hardest part of loving a BPD for me... .  

[LetItBe]

I am happy to hear you're feeling better today, CH!  I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family.

I like what you said about balance.  I hope you two find just the right balance together. 

[CodependentHusband]

NonGF,

   Thanks! I hope so. I think things are moving in the right direction as a whole.

RL,

   Yes. I saw that you had moved over to "Undecided." I don't blame you one bit. You've put up with far more than you should have as it is. This situation is tough for a non. We all have so many of the same struggles. That's why it's so great to share here. Thanks for the well wishes, and I hops that things improve for you too... .  I know they will improve for you, no matter what you do. You've worked hard and come a long way. 

[real lady]

RL,

   Thanks for the well wishes, and I hops that things improve for you too... .  I know they will improve for you, no matter what you do. You've worked hard and come a long way. 

Thanks CodepH... .   and too you too.