Dealing with my own hurt

[lizzie458]

I had a really rough day the other day and snapped rather intensely at my dBPDh, twice.  I reeled myself back in pretty quickly both times and made amends, although the second time he was really inconsolable about it, understandably.  That was Sunday.  Today is Tuesday and we have yet to say more than a few words to each other.  I let him know immediately on Sunday that I was wrong to snap at him, and that I understand if he's angry and hurt... .  due to my own codependency issues I'm sensitive to not pursuing him too much and trying to get him to talk to me, so I reached out on Sunday evening, and then again yesterday to check on my son (who was with him) and check in with him saying something like "I hope you have a good day, I love you."  He has a history of leaving and creating emotional distance on purpose, specifically to hurt me as much as he can (he told me this during a vulnerable moment once).

Yesterday afternoon his emotional distance really began to bother me because despite the self care I am careful to practice, he's my freaking husband and it just bothers me sometimes when there is considerable emotional distance... .  especially when it's likely he's causing it just to get to me.  Anyway, I realized that there is a really, really deep childhood wound there for me around abandonment.  I came from a single mom household where I spent much of the day in day care and most of the rest of the time by myself.  My father is also disordered (possibly Asperger's) and was largely emotionally unavailable due to depression, etc.  I see now where even my epic physical fights with my brother had their roots in my loneliness (I would bug him and he would retaliate).

Anyway, back to the situation at hand - I tried to think of ways I could protect myself with healthy boundaries while maintaining good self care and working on my own brokenness with our T and al anon, but I can't really think of any healthy boundaries that would help with that... .  well, none other than separation and I'm not willing to do that again right now (we just came out of one).  Am I missing something here?  It seems like all I can do is try to not take it personally and know that my wounds will likely never be soothed and healed by my husband, but instead by others.  That sucks, because I'm a big believer that the marriage relationship offers the opportunity to offer comfort to your spouse when they experience those old wounds... .  but of course that's rather silly to expect that from a pwBPD.  I guess I'm still mourning the loss of potential close marital intimacy :-/ 

As a side note, I am proud of myself that I asked him to take our son when I was going through a big depressed period yesterday and part of Sunday - I knew he would be OK with my H and I really couldn't take care of him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

The missing piece may be a little bit of loving detachment (not seperation or avoidance).  It sounds like you still take his moods, what he says, and his silences, very personally.  That's understandable, and quite natural.  The truth is, his actions and words say more about him than you.  It's hard to let ourpartners have their feelings and not take responsibility for them.  It does get easier to not take their stuff personally, but it takes time and practice.  Stick with it!

[lizzie458]

I am definitely taking this personally    I think in this case it's been his previous comment about doing it just to hurt me that keeps rolling around in my head and kicking my butt.  Though really, I know I shouldn't even take THAT personally (though he intends it to be personal) because it's the BPD.  You're right, it is hard! 

You know, I think part of it too is that dBPDh does have brief, shining moments of incredible empathy.  He even validated me once when I shared with him how my bad behavior is often amplified and morphs into a nasty animal when he dysregulates.  It's difficult to remember that BPD is the name of the game, and despite those brief, shining moments, he is still very affected by this disorder.

[daylily]

IIt's difficult to remember that BPD is the name of the game, and despite those brief, shining moments, he is still very affected by this disorder.

Hi lizzie,

The above is what makes it hard for me as well.  My uBPDh is high-functioning and takes care of me in his own way.  Not the way I want to be taken care of a lot of the time, of course.  I have said before on this site that him being so high-functioning sometimes makes the bad times harder for me because I forget that he's ill and I expect more from him than he's able to give.  I also give more credence to his words, even when they don't make sense, because sometimes he is logical and rational.  That makes the things he says more hurtful, especially because they usually have that "hint of truth" in them.

Regarding your H's comment that he gives you silent treatment to punish you, that may or may not be true.  My H has said the same thing to me, but then admitted later that he withdraws when something hurts him so badly that he feels he cannot take anything more.  So actually, it's self protection rather than punishment.  If he does not speak to me, I cannot say anything more to hurt him.  He needs to build up his strength before opening himself up to me again.

Don't beat up on yourself for losing it.  We all have posts like yours, myself certainly included.  It's really hard to keep it together all the time, especially when we're tired, sick, vulnerable, sad, angry, etc.

  Daylily

[Chosen]

lizzie458,

I know that feeling of being punished for something we did wrong, yet wondering how long it's going to go on?  Your H is giving you silent treatment, and you're clearly affected by it.  Do you think that when he sees this, he will likely snap out of his punishment mode?  I think he may be more inclined to go on.

For me, my H likes to "punish" me too, for the things I did.  Like you, if I snapped at him then he'll make sure I get my punishment.  I know it doesn't feel good, and in fact he does it so that you won't feel good, but I also think it's important to keep your life more or less normal, and help yourself be happy (relatively speaking) regardless of him.  When he sees that he cannot control you with his moods, he might use this punishment less often.

[laelle]

My bf also ignores me when I have caused him emotional stress. I have a boundary that I will not stay engaged in a conversation once it reaches to point where I am holding back tears.  Technically he has only one way to show me his disapproval because I took away his ability to yell at me.

That way is to hurt me by ignoring me.  I have learned to accept he has the right to do it, and its my issue to work on myself about it.  The point of ignoring is not only to hurt, but also to deal with his emotions.  I really dont want to talk to him while he is going through that process anyway.


The best thing you can do is say I can see your very upset about this.  When we have these heated arguments things never end well.  I'm going to go take a bath, and then if you want, I would like to work this out with you.  Let him respond by ignoring you, its better than him yelling at you.

Enjoy yourself... .  I am still learning to enjoy my own company and not put too much into his moods, but it is getting better.   

[lizzie458]

Thanks for the comments   I am still working on healthy detachment and working on my own stuff so his moods, actions, etc. won't faze me as much.  That said, for me I think there is a fine line between striving for healthy detachment and denying my true feelings in an attempt to manipulate him.  You see, the thought crossed my mind on Monday, "he wants to ignore me?  Fine, I'll be just fine without him - and then he'll feel like an idiot."  In the end I decided to err on the side of vulnerability because I've only just discovered those hurt feelings about my childhood and it seemed like a good idea to not try to stuff them back down again.

Maybe this is a case where I needed to feel my feelings, regardless of the effect it had on him.  It hurt, but through the pain God showed me the origin of that hurt and it made it less scary.  I never thought I was an "emotion stuffer" because I've always been a bit sensitive and emotional now and then, but I'm realizing that's exactly who I've been.  I tried to ignore my feelings and do the "right thing" for so long that I lost touch (or perhaps never learned in the first place to identify) with what was really going on within me.  Given my sensitive temperament, the emotions overflowed anyway in a big hairy mess - but in my haste to get it over with and do the right thing, I could never even pinpoint the source and it was that much scarier and futile. 

We had a T session yesterday, where I was pissed (hurt had turned to bitterness at that point) and that was OK.  I'm also learning to not have to keep myself together ALL the time.  H softened a bit during T and then late yesterday evening he softened the rest of the way.  He was so wrapped up in himself (even last night) that he was 100% clueless about anything I'd been through the last few days, which was a bit maddening that he didn't even wonder how I was, but at the same time it was probably a blessing.  I decided to drop my guard and get vulnerable - he was receptive.  I can't say it was the empathy-fest that I might've pictured    but it was good. 

As a side note, I'm going to start checking in with myself at the end of the day and during periods of anxiety/stress with a list of "soul words" (from the book How We Love, stuff like: peaceful, amazed, alone, confident, betrayed, etc.) so I can start to identify what I'm feeling.  I'm kind of excited about that, feels like progress to me

And I love that I've given myself permission to not be perfect!  What a huge relief, and guess what - the world hasn't come to a screeching halt! 

[briefcase]

Yeah, make sure you don't detach from your own emotions.   

It's important that we are honest with ourselves, and even our partners, about how we are feeling.  The goal is to be less reactive to his emotions.  Many of us let our partners emotions drive how we feel.  Its nuanced.  Eventually, you work through this stuff and kind of get to the point where you can say, "Ok, he feels angry, but I actually feel ok." or vice versa.  You let him have his feelings and you keep in closer touch with your own feelings.

[ChemGuy]

lizzie,

My wife is just emerging from her most recent period of giving me the silent treatment (a month this time).  For me the hardest part is the emotional estrangement from the person that I love and who is supposed to love me.  It is incredibly painful, but since reading Boundaries I have accepted that I can't make her talk to me, nor can I make her do anything else that would be helpful for our relationship.  I have told her many times that the silent treatment is hurtful, etc. and that I will not participate in being ignored.  When she ignores me I leave (the room or the house).  I go about my own business (work, church, gym, reading, this website, etc.).  Those activities help me feel better about myself and make me a more healthy person.  It really does help.

Indeed it feels like she is ignoring me to punish me.  However, one time she told me that she shuts down / goes silent during fights because she doesn't want our family to have the damaging fights that her family had growing up.  I understand that, but she's operating using the logic that a child would use (not surprising given BPD).  She prizes stopping the fight higher than constructively resolving the real difficulty.  Her approach leaves the underlying difficulty unaddressed (so it can emerge and cause a fight again later) plus adds a layer of resentment about the weeks of silence.  I think I understand her motives, but I think her method is objectively flawed and produces a great deal of hurt in me.

Don't ignore your own emotions, but don't dwell in them either.  For me,  hanging  around someone who's ignoring me causes me to dwell in negative thoughts and emotions because the silence is so loud and there's not a lot else to do.  When you're being ignored you can't make your husband talk to you no matter how badly you feel or how angry you get or how wrong he is or how right you are.  You're probably both better off if you acknowledge how you feel, then go and do something fun for you until he chooses to be civil again.