People just don't get it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Right now I'm in the middle of a divorce from my UBPDW who chose a "texting relationship" over her family.  Friends have went through divorces before but they just don't get how bad I'm suffering.  My soon to be Ex is definatly a Waif BPD.  People don't get the pain I'm goin through after 18 years of being the white night to almost instantaniously becoming the black night.  People don't get how bad it hurts to be so easily discarded after giving my life and heart to this woman helping her through her issues and being her rock for so long.  Honestly I still don't get it - to be dropped off of the face of her earth without so much as a chance to work on us.

[cal644]

Right now I'm in the middle of a divorce from my UBPDW who chose a "texting relationship" over her family.  Friends have went through divorces before but they just don't get how bad I'm suffering.  My soon to be Ex is definatly a Waif BPD.  People don't get the pain I'm goin through after 18 years of being the white night to almost instantaniously becoming the black night.  People don't get how bad it hurts to be so easily discarded after giving my life and heart to this woman helping her through her issues and being her rock for so long.  Honestly I still don't get it - to be dropped off of the face of her earth without so much as a chance to work on us.

[GreenMango]

cal you've invested a lot into your relationship and add the struggles of maintaining a relationship with BPD... .  this is not something a lot of people go through. 

They probably won't ever fully understand the dynamic, but how to do you explain it?  I know I had a hard time explaining much of anything because much it was unbelievable.   A lot of the disorder doesn't make sense.

I didn't discuss it with many people.  One friend and a therapist, then a few members of family (quickly and as a heads up mostly).  But it helped to reserve those close family and friends for support in other ways, they don't necessarily need to know everything to be good support.

What are you wanting to share with family/friends?  Do you know what you need from them right now?

[trouble11]

Hey Cal ... .  People do get it.  Those that get it are right here with you, but I do understand that friends and family can't begin to comprehend it no matter how well you explain it.  Stay here with us.  We GET it. So sorry you're having a hard time.  Keep reading here.  It's the only thing that has helped me.

[cal644]

Honestly, I don't know what I need from them.  My close family, theropist, pastor, and a few good friends who also had wives with the same issues know the whole truth.  I just don't know how to move on - most people would not beleive stories of the mental abuse I took because my wife comes across as shy and innocent (but I have seen her vengful and wall building side).  Some of my friends tell me to just move on - but they don't understand how I invested my life into this woman.  And to be turned black and discarded so easily - for the first time in my life I think I'm the one building a wall around myself now.

[GreenMango]

Mine was mostly shy and innocent (I know now this was actually acute lack of self-esteem and paranoia/rejection fears), except for a handful of memorable times where the anger, rage, pain and resentments came out.  Mostly it was a day in and day out high-maintenance and fight picking emotional dumping ground. 

I spent a long time trying to manage this.  Cal even if you were divorcing on regular amicable terms the rebuilding of your life would be tough.  It's going to take some time rebuilding.  Part of it is rebuilding you... .  those things that make you feel good, safe, content, stable, etc. 

[Clearmind]

I wanted to tell all in sundry about the abuse I received! And yes most didn't get it. I wanted them to get it because it gave me validation that a) I wasn't to blame b) I didn't imagine it c) I wasn't going crazy d) I craved acceptance in the midst of a disaster that I couldn't accept.

I agree you we're married a long time - meet our resident  - these  cause us great stress for a number of reasons a) we bent our values and boundaries so outta shape to cater to a high maintenance person b) this r/s has set off a chain of events which most likely mirror some rejection you felt before your ex came along c) you don't know yourself now you are removed from the drama e) your ex masked some of your troubles.

She didn't leave because of who you are or what you did. She left because she lives in constant fear... of herself. This isn't about you cal - remind yourself you are two separate entities not one person.

Why doesn't she get help? She may not think she has a problem. She has spent her whole life in this pattern of behavior.

How does she not love you enough to make it work? To answer this would also require her to be something she is not - healthy!  You cannot change her - as painful as it is for fixers like us.

Let go with love!

[nolisan]

Not many people know about personality disorders aside from narcism and anti-social (psychopath). I knew nothing about BPD until everything was unravelling.

Get yourself a therapist, hang out here and educate a few trusted friends.

[trevjim]

No one i knew got/get it, Only on this board people understand and you can talk,moan,ask whatever without being judged on here.

[cal644]

This site has been one of the few things that have helped me.  I will never fully comprehend it though.  But at least I have support and more understanding here. 

[turtle]

Cal... .  you're right.  People DON'T get it.

You're in the stage where you don't get it either, so how can you expect others to understand?

It's a confusing time for you!

turtle

[Newton]

Cal I'm shooting from the hip here... .  you sound angry.  Yet at the same time you sound like a kind person with a gentle soul who is finding immense difficulty expressing that anger... .  perhaps even a fear of expressing it?

It's ok to be angry... .  you have given so much and been treated very badly in return.

[cal644]

You are so correct - I am not an angry person at all - I can count on my hand how many times I've truly been angry.  3 have been in the last 6 months since I was turned black and she told me she didn't love me and hasn't for years, when I found out about her EA, and when she refused to work on the marriage.  I wish I could just shout it all out - but that's not really who I am.  I am angry yes, and resentful - but I just don't know how to show it... .  maybe I should just lock myself in the room and yell out how I truly feel!

[Suzn]

Cal you're right a lot of people don't get it and why? I have two reasons off the top of my head, first people live in their own little worlds, think about their own problems and their daily responsibilities, etc... .  so they dont recognize anything strange in our lives. Second, there are many people who just wouldn't put up with the abusive situations we have put ourselves in so its hard for them to understand why anyone would.

[Newton]

I do know where you are coming from... .  I spent years allowing people to walk all over me even though I now appreciate I am quite physically intimidating in my size and shape!

It took a long time for me to understand that it was ok to feel angry at other people who were treating me poorly... .  and that I had every right to be treated with respect and kindness... .  I am worth that!

Why would you feel a need to lock that anger away and express it in private?... .  (in a locked room).

Are you concerned about the consequences from being annoyed at others?... .  

Perhaps it's been taught to you that it's your "position" in life to just accept things as they are... .  

Both of these realizations were very significant in my healing.

[trevjim]

Cal you're right a lot of people don't get it and why? I have two reasons off the top of my head, first people live in their own little worlds, think about their own problems and their daily responsibilities, etc... .  so they dont recognize anything strange in our lives. Second, there are many people who just wouldn't put up with the abusive situations we have put ourselves in so its hard for them to understand why anyone would.

Also I feel it's because they haven't been idolized and mirrored.

Most if not all of us here, had the time of their lives through those stages, someone on here compared it to the first hit of heroin.

They just thinks its a normal relationship and you will just get the 'plenty more fish in the sea talk' but its more than that, its withdrawal, lack of closure, hurt, anger, confusion.

Only people who have been through it will understand

[dharmagems]

Also I feel it's because they haven't been idolized and mirrored.

Most if not all of us here, had the time of their lives through those stages, someone on here compared it to the first hit of heroin.

I also feel that my r/s with my exBPDh was a hit of heroin!  That is a good term to describe what I cannot explain to anyone else around me.  I cannot explain that I was raised in an emotionally abusive family to anyone around and carried strong anger from childhood. By leaving him, I am going through feelings of emotional withdrawl.  He was also a hit of heroin for me.  It is excruciating.  How can I cope?

I feel like I am a walking open wound, very raw and vulnerable.  So many emotions all at once.  I know about PTSD and depression.  I look for others around me to support me but it's hard to tell anyone without them not understanding or have the time. 

Also transition is so very difficult because there is a lot of shuffling around on my end: finding an apartment, a job, a T, a community, settling my old lifestyle, taking care of my personal health issues, I am feeling so overwhelmed.

I know what you've been through.  My true savior is this board.  At least I feel the worst is over for me and I have found a great light through you all.