How to (or should I bother) inform clergy about Dh's BPD

[sunshine40]

Okay, So.

Last Sunday, my husband and I were sitting in our "pastor's" office (pastor is not the term used in my religion, but it's the same thing) and my husband opened up to him about some of his insecurities. I was actually grateful he felt comfortable enough to do so, and thought the answer the pastor gave was loving, and insightful. He also suggested that we pray about it as a couple and figure out was is "causing" him to feel this way.

Well I'm sitting there KNOWING it is the BPD talking, and noticing that, although the pastor's words were insightful, kind and wise, given in a loving manner, AND valdiating, ("everyone feels that way from time to time" it did not sink in for my DH, and the pastor sat with a perplexed look on hhis face as my husband started cycling the same concern over and over, giving experiences and essentially blaming others for the way he feels.

And what he feels like is that everyone thinks he is a "kook".

He left that meeting regretting opening up, maybe because he did not get the response he was digging for (which I do not even know what that is... maybe he does not even know.)

So, here is my question, do I confide in my pastor about my diagnosis of BPD in my husband, and if so how? Or would it be better to keep working on this by myself. I would also share my concern about this playing into my udPBDH's insecurities about being a "kook". I am afraid it would make it worse. (our clergy is unpaid with little to no training in mental disorders unless it is part of (or has been a part of) their profession.)

Any suggestions would be appreciated (but keep in mind I am never changing religions, so that is not an option.)

-Sun

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[Foreverhopefull]

Ask your husband if he's OK with telling your pastor that he is BPD.

If you get his permission to do so, just say it as it is. " Pastor, we already know what causes my husband's insecurities. He was diagnosed with BPD in the last few (weeks, months, years). We are looking for **insert what you want from your meetings with the pastor**. Do you think you can help us or guide us towards someone who can be of help, that can be added to our prayers for guidance?"

[briefcase]

Hi sunshine,

I got the impression that your husband my not be officially diagnosed.  If he is, then I like foreverhopfull's straightforward approach.  If you husband isn't diagnosed, then you can either share your suspicions with your pastor privately, or, maybe a better option, just focus on the behaviors that are causing problems for your husband (anger issues, black and white thinking, etc).  The BPD label may not be too important to a pastor who isn't trained in this stuff anyway. 

[laidee]

Hi Sun -

I agree foreverhopefull. It might be best to mention it to your husband first, before talking to you 'pastor' in private. If you're trying to work things out, H might resist if he feels you are going behind his back and talking about him.

I kinda learned the hard way. Went to our pastor (like you, different name but same meaning), expressed concerns I had about my marriage and some of my DH behaviors (long before I knew about BPD). DH found out because I took too long to come home, and the outcome was not good. Got mad and said I was talking about him behind his back. Tried to explain that I didn't go to bash him, I was trying to help our marriage. And really I feel like nothing good came from it. He won't agree to meet with the pastor with me, and so our spiritual relationship is pretty much dead now.

BUT talking to someone, seeking guidance does help, I just advise to think carefully on how you go about it.

[Grey Kitty]

I would add that if the "pastor" is not well-trained in mental-health issues... .  the label of suspected BPD probably won't help his treatment of your DH.

Best bet is to address your DH's behaviors with the pastor directly. And be grateful that he is good at validation, even if it didn't seem to be working.

[iluminati]

I would do it, especially if you two regularly meet with him with regard to spiritual counseling.  Your mileage may vary as to what they would know about the situation, but I would bring it up, and mention how your husband's behaviors would impact your dealings with him.  I'm not one for telling everyone the diagnosis, but if the clergy person is already involved, it would be incumbent on them to know so they could act accordingly.

[yeeter]

I would share also.  I might qualify it a little bit by phrasing it as "you know, there isnt a formal diagnosis but from the learning I have done on the subject its been hugely helpful in our relationship"

Also I would warn the Pastor that bringing it up directly is not usually productive.  And if he doesnt know much about it then it could be beneficial to the counseling for him to learn some.

Im going to assume that the Pastor is responsible enough to do his homework.  And also he is there for you as well as your husband, so understanding your perspectives should be considered part of understanding the relationship dynamics.

Do you have a T of your own to work through it with?