Avoiding mirroring your patner's mood and joining The Dark Side

[ApChagi1]

Does anyone have any tips for not being lured to the ":)ark Side"?  That is, often I find myself feeling good one day, only to have my dBPDw completely bring me down with a list of all the things wrong in my life so that then I find myself feeling as badly as her.  I don't even realize it's happening, then I feel like crap and a complete failure. 

I am being treated for depression myself and find the combination of therapy and medication helpful, but often not enough to overcome The Dark Side alone.

Any ideas?

Thanks, and KCCO.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zaqsert]

Hi ApChagi1,

Many of us here have found the lessons to be very helpful.  Have you been through them yet?  Sorry, I'm not familiar with your history.  Check out the links to the right -->

or click here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

The ones that have helped me the most include (note that I'm probably paraphrasing some of them):

• Radical acceptance to come to terms with the fact that my uBPDw is who she is, and I will never have any control over this.  As powerless as the concept felt at first, it actually turned out to be quite empowering, if that makes any sense.



• Ability to walk away from any interaction that I do not want to take part in.  Raging, accusations, blaming, lists of why I am supposedly such a terrible person -- all things I can, and now do, walk away from.



• Boundaries.  This very much relates to the ability to walk away.  Among my newfound boundaries are:  I will not stick around to be raged at, accused, blamed.  Now I notice that if I start to feel resentment over something then it may be that I let my wife overstep one of my boundaries.



• Her stuff is her stuff.  The more un-enmeshed I have gotten, the easier it has been to realize that her bad moods are hers, not mine, and often there is nothing that I can do to help her in the moment.

Keep in mind that my bullets here cover only a few of the lessons.  I highly recommend working through all of them.

Hope this helps.

zaqsert

P.S.  What is KCCO?

[ApChagi1]

Thank you for your help and suggestions.

KCCO= Keep Calm, and Carry On.

[byasliver]

Awe, ApChagi1, it's terribly hard when we are battling our own demons, isn't it? I am so glad you are being treated for your own depression. One thing that helped me was something my T suggested and that was doing something for myself to help build my self esteem. For me it was started a journal that had me explore different attributes each day. You know your wife has a skewed view of things so try (I know it's hard) to not give her criticisms too much weight. Instead start looking around at the evidence of things you are doing so well at. Your worth isn't dependent on her opinion. You have worth all on your own with or without her. 

[ApChagi1]

I'm really feeling like I'm not strong enough for this, and I don't know how much longer I can stay with her.

Today she is angry at me because before I left for work I encouraged her to do something fun for herself and treat herself to a movie and lunch out or something. 

Little did I know that was me being insensitive about how horrible her life is and I should have known a movie wouldn't help that.

This really is crushing my soul.

[united for now]

Do "you" believe your intention was to hurt her?

Do "you" believe you were wrong in offering positive ideas?

[byasliver]

UFN is right: Her opinion doesn't have to be your truth. You were very kind to make those suggestions. Next time maybe try responding with, "Things are tough for you right now. That can make it difficult to enjoy anything but doing something to take your mind off things could be helpful. Is there something else that might make things better for you?"

[Bloomer]

I can really relate to you as I went through one of the deepest depressions concurrent to when my uBPD H first starting exhibiting typical BPD behaviors (lots of rages). My depression was compounded by being devalued. Eventually I started doing things that brought me happiness OUTSIDE of the relationship and realized this was the key for me to stay more positive and get out of my depression so I could start to interact better with him. As everyone else has been encouraging, becoming unenmeshed is the best thing you can do right now.

I recommend the following things that helped me:

-make a list of things that are positive about you and your life

-make a list of things you like doing independently (make you feel happy)

-make a list of things that are positive about your partner and your relationship

Refer to these lists to help you stay positive and on track in getting yourself in a better mental place. It sounds really cheesy but it is helpful when your mind is such a mess.

So, this may sound counter-intuitive, but you need to really focus on you right now. Try to make sure you're doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Try reinforcing yourself positively and getting that reinforcement from friends and family. Basically, you can't derive your happiness from your partner because it gives them the power to take it away when they dysregulate. This doesn't mean they can't make you happy, it means you need to be happy with you first. This goes for any relationship but it is especially important in one with someone who can act out of hurt so frequently. So when your partner dysregulates, you can understand how they feel but simultaneously know that you're a good person and you have other things that make you happy, so all your happiness isn't gone in the moment your partner takes your relationship stability away. Basically, don't keep all your happy eggs in one basket!

I hope this is helpful. Feel free to PM me for additional support.

 B.