Please explain how splitting black works in the brain

[swimjim]

Inside,

Well, I guess you must be onto something. I was getting tested during the first six months of our relationship which culminated with a marriage ultimatum. I pulled back (failed the test), entered the clinging stage of a merry go round up and down turbulent relationship while she was planning her escape. She picked my friend as her new '"parent" thus, discarding me. She was probably in the planning phase long before I was aware that anything was going on. To add insult to injury, she picked my close friend who she did not know other than helping me drag his soil stained passed out body into his own home. How pathetic do you think I feel that I was dumped by an alcoholic where the only knowledge she had of him is a lifeless, soil stained, passed out drunk that she witnessed in her first encounter of him. I just wonder two things; Did she choose him because she knew it would hurt me terribly and did she choose him because of his vulnerability that shows weakness?

[Inside]

Shieldedheart: “They all became resources and even in her description of them, seemed unfeeling and cold.”

So, that’s all we ultimately are to them, “resources?”  “Unfeeling and cold?”  Someone/ or thing they can use to absolve their pain … until we’re used up?

…I know, they’re ‘disregulated’… or something like that.  :)esperate childlike entities incapable of ever being rescued from their Lord of the Flies island ... . if pounding us over the head with a rock from behind out of a flawed mistrust  …after using our resources to stay fed and warm... . ?  Gerrrrrrr... .

It’s a good thing they ‘know how to pickem! (us)’  If they were attracted to anything other than folks exhibiting unconditional parental love and near endless tolerance to abhorrently disrespectful and deceitful behavior …their numbers would likely dwindle due to violent attrition – cuz that kind of a victim wouldn’t be sitting here laughing   He’d be lookin to kill

…as I’ve mentioned before, though not perfect, the folks I’ve met around here are darn close to it   And hey – stay that way my friends, you’re very likely the kind of people everyone wants to spend time with, so make it so ~

[Inside]

Swimjim, “Did she choose him because she knew it would hurt me terribly and did she choose him because of his vulnerability that shows weakness?”

Seems only our names are changed!  As mentioned, mine targeted my brother, in the middle of an ugly divorce that obviously left him vulnerable.  And a longtime friend in a dysfunctional marriage, into some money, a chronic pot smoker, borderline alcoholic and caring for a unambulatory adult son…  Not counting her arm’s-length-list of other semi-functional guys she periodically uses for drinking dates and home repairs. 

But the targeting of those closest to me has also remained a mystery.  I do remember her hanging on every word as I described their plight…  And constantly insisting she ‘join us’ whenever I was out with them... .   That gave me the creeps.  But just as Schwing described above:

“He knows what you told him about your relationship.  And none of what you told him squares with what *she* told him about your relationship.  And even though you have been his friend for over 25 years, you haven't been methodically seducing him the way your exBPD loved one has.  That and, what she told him about you probably makes you sound like an extreme jerk.  Still it's his choice to believe her distortions over you.  He will understand your pain... . in due time.”   

Key to me? “…you haven't been methodically seducing him the way your exBPD loved one has.”  I did tell the friend she’s gone after (actually two of them) about her BPD, and he ‘understood’ my concerns.  He also suggested I ... . simply enjoy her benefits.  With that, I suspect he’s more than willing to ignore it.  …but, he’s married, for what that’s worth…  She did give me a sly smile recently after I described her ‘costing me his friendship,’ on our last recycle.  At least my Brother figured it out, if likely a greater loyalty factor. 

Let’s see… she assumes your friend’s are safe, cuz they’re ‘your friends.’  She’s got plenty of ‘inside info’ on their life conditions, so knows ‘what to mirror’ and ‘who to be.’  And, I think most of all - they’re a link to you.  So, (because no one knows better than her that it will fail) when it’s over, and even while it’s ‘on,’ she’s got a constant conduit back to you.  Likely much easier to jump between friends than between total strangers. 

What’s always weird (and Schwing’s obviously risen above ;-) is how we so easily get stuck attempting to frame their disjointed behavior within ‘normal parameters.’  Would you behave like that?  Of course not …and can you imagine how fast two BPD’s would clash    So we’ve got to put that puzzle together … recognize the big picture, plot our location – and hopefully find the exit!

What’s really weird is attempting to ‘explain’ their behavior to family and friends …especially our shared friends (that’s how we met).  They either think you’re nuts, or really pissed-off and making up horrible stuff to hurt her.  …if they only knew the bundle of trouble sitting there looking all innocent and ‘high-functioning’ as they sip their drinks…  For the guys, it’s more like, ‘bring it on!’  For the women… cheap entertainment?  For us – H-E-Double L! 

What I envy are those who don’t share mutual friends… though mine’s slowly picking off my guy buddies     ... . time to move on ~

[papawapa]

I have some thoughts on the subject of why they may target someone close to us. My BPDgf ran off with a guy that her daughter had dumped the day before her and I separated. It occurred to me that she picked a person to run off with that would validate her poor feelings about herself and ensure that we would abandon her for good. I remember saying to her, "It's like you picked the one person that would ensure we would never want you back in our lives. It didn't work. I love you unconditionally and despite what you have done I still love you." It broke her down and she started crying hysterically. She chose him with the expectation that I would finally completely abandon her and hate her and when it didn't work she couldn't handle the emotional storm it ignited inside her.

[Inside]

I recently spent some time on YouTube watching personality disorder videos.  One, of seven segments I believe, had the guy describe BPD’s as ‘having sex with their eyes,’ or something like that…  Maybe it’s just that every guy they’re around they come on to.  So the ones they see the most ‘get it’ most often.  Primed, they’re close and available instantly upon a break up? 

Maybe we’re giving them too much credit for thinking… but apparently they spend more energy on targeting their next relationship than keeping the one they’ve got!  But then there’s the factor of, ‘the closer they get,’ to anyone, the greater their fear of rejection and abandonment?  So even when ‘it’s working,’ it’s not

Mine made a weird statement recently, on a slightly different subject.  I told her I always feel as though I’m in competition with her multitude of ‘friends and events’ every time we’re together; she has a Histrionic aspect that craves attention.  So if I’d prefer a quiet weekend …she always seemed to be chomping at the bit to find a crowd.  Anyway, she then told me that she feared that if we weren’t constantly doing something exciting – I’d “discover how boring she is.”  I’ve never found her boring… but did find that interesting/ strange.  Now that we’re apart I’m left to speculate.

Shouldn’t love be a lot less work

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

The explanations about splitting black really make sense.  It has been a year since I was split black. My mind was ruminating b/c the entire relationship did not make sense.  I had never experienced anything like it and felt like I was the victim of abuse.  Once I landed in therapy and told them the story, I found out - a month or so ago--that I was most likely dealing with a BPD male.

I was split black so many times that it makes my head spin.  Usually, it occurred after I had done "something" to make them feel insecure. We were in a LDR.

Split examples:

1. The BPD had to go abroad for some time. Prior to his departure, I flew out to spend several days with him.  It seemed great, until the night before he left.  I could not put my finger on it.  He arrived “over there” and texted, skyped for 2 weeks. Then went silent for three days telling me he was losing his connection to me.  Once I said I would not deal with this, he recycled.  This was the first time I was split--but I had no idea what was going on.  Frankly, I assumed that he slept with someone else and felt shame about it (and that could have happened also).

2.  After his return from abroad, I went to visit for a week.  All seemed fine.  I went back three weeks later to spend about 12 days with him (and attend a party).  I left for two days to attend the party.  When I returned, I was told that his feelings had changed for me and that he was going to sleep with others and not feel guilty about it.  I said that I wish you would have told me this before I returned, I would have just stayed away. Within an hour, he was "lovey" again.

3.  The following month, he came to visit me.  Things were ok--not great.  I said something and he shoved me off him in bed.  Silent treatment for an hour.  Then started to initiate sex with me. I was dumbstruck.

4.  For the next 5 weekes we texted, skyped, emailed, and I moved nearby (4 hours away) for the summer.  He came for the first 10 days.  All was good--he left, texting/skyping--saying how much he missed me.  Then, 100% detachment.  He needed space, time, etc.  His feelings had changed, blah blah.  Lied about his whereabouts and when I called him on it he phoned to end relationship. Then recycled.  Then went abroad for a month--missed my b-day for "time zone issues".  Pushed me away on his b-day, but a week after his b-day:

5.  Upon return from abroad and the week of his b-day, he then came to see me. Worst weekend of my life.  I was humiliated, degraded--not only by him, but by his narcissistic roommate (see other posts for story). 

6.  He came back two weeks later.  But could not tell me why he returned to see me.  Didn't know how he felt about me.  And, had no recollection of the humiliation and degradation of that prior weekend.  After all, it was all my fault that weekend.

7.  Summer ended, I left.  Texted, called.  One day I sent too many texts. Split black.  Nothing from him for a month.  Then a cheesy email saying it all got to be too much.  No word since.  1 year ago.

When I type this crap, it is crazy.  Yet, I still miss my abuser. Sad, isn't it.  But, I could never understand why he kept coming back or why just after he would see me that he would do a 180 and throw out crazy statements like "it will never work between us", "there are too many women to sleep with", etc.

Well, he is now in a LDR with his high school sweetheart (the one that got away). God help her.

I remember what these experiences were like.  We would be fine, everything would be 100% lovey-dovey, and then BAM!  He would stop talking to me for a few days, weeks, months... . whatever.  It's funny you mention him telling you, "This will never work out!"  BPDex and I were LDR.  His favorite thing to do to upset me was to devalue our relationship and say things of that nature.  One minute, he'd be telling me he was totally in love with me.  The next, "This means nothing because we aren't together, in person."  Or, "We'll never be together." Or, something similar.  I was often told that I was "clingy" and "crazy."  Well, when someone is mapping out this huge proposal of marriage to you and a subsequent life, and suddenly they vanish, you kinda worry.  It didn't matter to me how many times he went NC on me, I always thought the worst because he would get in these moods where he would make very frightening comments about committing suicide.  Told me, "You don't want to marry me.  You're gonna come home one day and I'll be hanging from the ceiling fan."  So, anyway, yeah, I'd call a lot and text when he'd disappear.  Then, I was crazy.  I was a psycho, then.  He always said the song, "CrazyB8tch" by Buckcherry reminded him of me.  I was severely gaslighted by this man.

[SockMonkey]

SomebodythatIusedtoknow:  My BPD was not that scary in terms of gaslighting me or threatening suicide.  He was always the one doing the leaving. I really am sad that you had to go through that.  Devastating.

My ex never professed undying love.  He was careful not to use the L word, but would make other suggestions like, "i have never been this connected to anyone before" or "i hold you above everyone else in my life", blah blah blah

There is much debate about empathy and the BPD.  I'm sure some do feel it. I can't see where mine did.  You don't go NC on a person sitting next to their dying mother and then ignore them when they reach out to you to understand what is going on.   A simple, "i'm done" would have shown respect, courtesy, and empathy.   Going no contact randomly without a goodbye is cowardly.


I had been split black so many times that

[swimjim]

Our exBPD's new partner would never believe that they would be split black becuase they are being idolized right now and in the fog. What do you think my ex friend would think if he saw all the emails that I saved of her professing her undying love to me? I saved hundreds of them. Maybe she recycled the same emails and changed our names for him.  Although he was seduced by her and believes her versions of the smear campaigns, wouldn't he be concered that maybe she isn't telling him the truth and that maybe he will end up some day on the chopping block?   

[SockMonkey]

SwimJim--

I am sorry to hear that one of the facets of BPD is the smear campaign.  Since I do not live near my Ex, I do not have to hear what he is telling his closest friends or the new "victim".  I guess that is one "positive" I can take from this.

Also, I can't help but wonder if my ex was a little more contained in his BPD in the sense that he never professed undying love, has made no attempt to smear me that I can tell or smear me in a way that has any effect on me personally or professionally, and was never suicidal, etc. In fact, he only showed serious jealousy once and then quickly contained it, never showing it to me again. 

However, I did spend many months in mixed messages hell.  I'd get the following contradictions: I miss you/I don’t know how I feel about you; I’m going to spend the entire time I am not traveling with you/You are too far for me (4 hours); Text as much as you want—be who you are/you sent me too many messages in 24 hours; my feelings have changed for you/I just booked a ticket to see you; I have too much time on my hands/I need more "me" time; I will text you all day everyday if I want/but when you do it our communication patterns are unnerving ... . and the list goes on and on. 

Which ones was I to choose—the actions or the words? How does someone remain secure (or sane) within these contradictions?  I see the contradictions above as splitting me white/black, black/white, rinse, wash, repeat... .

Indeed.  I have no idea how he is love bombing the new GF.  Except that she is the high school sweetheart that got away b/c he said he had the grass is greener on the other side "itis".  Well, high school was 14 years ago for him.  Neither of them are the same as they were then.  Or, they are both the same brand of crazy.   I suspect he will be with her for a while given that she is "the golden one". 

But, I have no doubt that his crazy will start to shine through.  How could it not?

[findingmyselfagain]

Swimjim,

The wedding shower was the last weekend we were together which seemed relatively "normal." It was only about 2 years afterwards that she let me know she was having "debilitating panic attacks" at the "mere thought" of marrying me around the time of the shower and afterwards. I  never had any idea anything like that was going on. We also went out of state to pick up her dream dog the weekend of our wedding shower. She went kind of crazy on me on my birthday, big shock now, right?, but for the most part we seemed to be on a major upswing and things were calm. We just talked to the pastor and everything seemed honky dory with her. Even my stepmom was talking about how much chemistry we had together and how amazing it was.

Suddenly! Only 2 days later she was at my place, seemed really nervous, wasn't interested in ripping my clothes off as had been the case the last 8 months. She was texting and emailing one of her co-workers and pretty much FLAUNTING it in my face. Since she was engaged to me, I wasn't that worried about it, so I didn't bite if she was trying to get me upset. She ended up going out with him 2 nights later and supposedly nothing happened, but I was upset. Who wouldn't be? After that she just went off the deep ending, saying she couldn't see any future with us at all, and she never seemed to fully recover. One day she'd be posting love songs on my FB and then suddenly she told me she was having panic attacks and soon everything was postponed... . and even sooner it was just all over! It was shocking how fast things went downhill. I've been in a major depression most of the last 3 years. I just didn't see it coming at all. I didn't go through the normal/abnormal ups and downs. It was all honeymoon and then BAM!

In her last scathing email she told me that because I didn't pay her daughter 100% attention or something at the wedding shower, she knew at that moment that she didn't want me to be the father any more. Of course, a rational person, would say, hey why don't you check on so and so, or try to have a rational discussion? We spent so much time together, and I spent so much time, gas, and money on clothes, food for her and the baby, and the wedding and honeymoon. I can't count how many hours I spent with her baby while she did whatever she was doing, hair, getting ready, or whatever. I also can't count how many times I helped bathe her and put her to bed... . all the time thinking she was going to be my daughter as well.

In a nutshell, it just doesn't make any sense and the best thing for me to do is to forget about it as soon as I can. She was divorced twice at the age of 24, and only about a month out when I started dating her. I should have definitely moved a lot slower. I did bring some childhood issues to the table, but I was also very naive and believed too much in "love".

Since then, I've had the chance to see her blow through 2-3 other men at least. I believe she was always honest with me about her feelings. The problem is that they change every 30 seconds, and at some point we are just plain split black because I believe they fear we will figure out how messed up they really are... . which is unfortunately true. I saw some of her social media since then and her mostly extremely negative posts, and I believe that she really is more of the girl who is depressed and upset, than the happy, sweet girl who was working hard to be with me. I just don't think she could do it, and I never saw that part of her fully until the end. I still think of it as a bit of a sad love story, but I know it wasn't love in the sense of something that could last and grow stronger. More of a teenage fling, but hey, take it for what good there was, and look to find something better this time.