Do they not care about our own issues?

[wishfulthinking]

I had a major Dr appt last week my uBPDh "couldn't" go to with me because he had to "work".  Yesterday was an appt with a new cardiologist and guess who couldn't go.  Had to "work".  My best friend went instead and so we did some shopping and lunch after my tests.  Guess who was mad because I "had the day off and could have come home to spend some time with him"?  Also, he had a meeting (fairly important, but made after I told him when my appt was) and when he called me after to tell me he was done and he started telling me about something else.  Breezed right over the meeting and I didn't want to bring it up with my bestie around because it is private to him.  I get a blow up text after about how I never asked and I'm selfish because I forgot completely about his meeting. How could I forget, he had me running errands for him for an hour before I had to drive 45 minutes to my appt so he could make it on time.  I was almost late for my appt.

He is pissy with me the rest of the day and nothing I do is right. He tells me he is needing extra attention last night and I needed to give it to him, so I did my best, but he was up my rear all night over this and that so do I WANT to be around him?  NO!  But I do it.  He had us all out (2 kids, too) till after 11 shopping and we didn't even get dinner until 9 because of his own selfish actions.

Neither time has he asked me about my own appts, but both times he requires extra attention and feels unwanted and unneeded those days... .

Is this typical?  If I have something that's important does it make him feel like he is being blown off?  I can't help I have a heart issue and he knew this when he married me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Sadly, this type of behavior is all too typical here.  People with BPD do not make good caretakers and often find ways to make these times about them and their needs.  Sorry. 

You don't need to scramble around trying to appease him though.  You were entitled to have a little down time after a rough day.  It sounds like you have a serious medical condition.  I hope you are alright.

[yeeter]

Sorry to be harsh, but yes, its typical.

Some things you can get out of the relationship.

Some things, you cannot.

So you have to figure out what you 'need' - and what you just 'want' - and then find ways of filling the needs that cannot be provided in the relationship via other means.

You needed some down time, and you took it.  Work on some boundaries around how to do this effectively, and it will set precedence for the next time and will be easier.  And recalibrate yourself with other friends/family - but mostly with yourself - that its quite ok and reasonable to want some downtime - so there isnt lingering guilt or resentment.

Take care of yourself!   

[shamrock]

Funny; my now dBPDw was just the opposite.

When I had even a small ailment she made "a mountain out of a mole hill"

I do not know if she loved looking after me or rather that If I had a problem for her to focus on, her problems were on back burner.

To be honest when I called to the house that I needed a bandage, she started the car----knew I needed stitches!

[Chosen]

I think pwBPDs are not uncaring people by default; they are not wired to not care about somebody else.

However, (and that is a big however), your feelings and predicament cannot contradict what is happening in their mind.  And they themselves are always No.1.  That means if they have needs at that moment and you also have needs, they will come first.

[lostandunsure]

If my experience is any indication, they just aren't built to be there for other people. My uBPDw wants to care for me, she desperately knows that she needs to be there for me, she just doesn't know how. She knows that I'm there for her constantly, at the drop of a hat, I'm by her side, supporting her, helping her through a panic attack, driving her to a class (even attending the class with her), going to therapy sessions with her, she knows that I do all that, but she's never learned to be there for me.

For example, if I'm sick, I mean high fever, in bed and can't move sick, I'd better be back on my feet and fully recovered within 2 days, or everything will fall apart and I'll end up comforting her for a week. Just last week I had some lab work done because I was worried about some health issues and I was really concerned. I e-mailed her looking for some emotional support, what I got back was condescending in passive aggressive, with a note saying that if she sounded rude, well, she's was just having a bad day... . A couple of hours later, she realized that she had been the opposite of supportive and texted me several times, e-mailing and the like looking for comfort that I wasn't mad at her for her not being there. I spent the rest of the day comforting her, even while I needed some support myself (eventually I called my sister and I was able to talk through what I needed to).

Sometimes, she can be wonderfully supportive, others, it's better for me to not say anything and I call someone else. Sometimes I don't know how she's going to respond and it's a game of roulette.

[PonyGirl]

Oh OP, I so relate to your situation. My uBPDh behaves almost exactly the same way, down to the texts and accusations. It's something I have been struggling with personally as I evaluate my marriage and my needs for the future.

Like you, I was bending over backwards to be all and do all for my H, because I care and to avoid the backlash. When I started to learn more about BPD and really take a look at my needs, I realized I was drowning in my caretaking for him. My needs were rarely being met and I really have no idea if he will ever truly have the capacity to do so. I know that I am the only person that I can control and have been implementing boundaries to protect myself. I also have been reading Co-Dependant No More and doing a heck of a lot of highlighting on my kindle, as well as discussing what I'm identifying with with my Therapist.

It's been hard and emotionally draining, but I know if I want my marriage to improve and continue, I'm the one that has to accept what he is capable of, make my own changes, see if it impacts his behavior and then reevaluate my plans. I wish I could be in a simple, care free relationship where I could count on my partner and not have to second guess what behavior my response might illicit from him. But, I'm not and right now I am choosing to stay in this. So, the work I have to do is my own, for my own sanity's sake.

I only shared this so you know you are not alone and that there are options that you can take for yourself, even if your H is unable or unwilling to consiously make any changes.

[nyfit1]

My uBPDgf claimed she wanted to take care of me. Would even come up with these sick scenarios where I was crippled . Weird stuff. Me being sick caused great stress for her. I had an Important physical with a cardiologist and she said that we should focus on my health and not argue over things like we do. This lasted 4 days. She initiated a fight the night before the tests and basically created another one of our breaks. She never texted the next day to wish me luck or find out results. She did call the following day which was her birthday and blamed me for ruining her day.

We get back together. A few weeks later she says she will go with me to my follow up appointment. Well we break up again and again no texts checking on me. Can't imagine the wrath I would get if I didn't check up on her even if it was something insignificant. We spoke a week later. U know what she was doing while I was haning serious tests done on my heart? She was in a plastic surgeons office scheduling a tummy tuck. Weeks later she got her tummy tuck and guess which idiot was taking care of her. She only cares about herself. Blame it on BPD but the bottom line is she is immature she selfish. I've told her this and all she says is I bring cruel to her and she wanted to know if I enjoy Making her feel bad. U will never be able to make them see the truth. I wonder if she is aware of it at all.

[waverider]

I tend to experience that my partner makes a big issue out of my issues, almost as though she adopts them as her own, and can worry a mole hill into a mountain, regardless of whether I am finding it a big issue or not. it is almost as though she stealing and feeling it.

However if it gets in the way of one of here own little dramas or impulses, then my issues are simply overriden.

It is a neediness and you simply have to put your foot down and seem quite harsh if necessary and say no. i realize this is hard as they hammer away at you. If you dont you will only set a precedent.

[Moonie75]

Back in 2010 my life long best friend died of cancer. I'd traveled through the night to visit him in hospital after getting a call from his wife to tell me the hospital had told the family to 'get ready'!

Sadly by the time I arrived I was too late. I called my then BPDgf to tell her XXXX had died & I was too late to see him before he went.  :'(

After quietly listening to what had happened, she proceed to tell me how she'd been sent to a customers house that night with a new colleague (also female) to resolve a delivery issue with some supplies to his restaurant. And how they had both spent the rest of the night getting so giggly & excited about how completely gorgeous he was & how as a result, they had arranged to go there for a 'girly meal' on Friday night with some other mutual girlfriends!

She went on & on about how this guy was sex on legs & worse still, how charming & funny he was.

My f***ing best mate had just died & that was how my girlfriend soothed my agaony!

It absolutely beggars belief what they see appropriate!

A little bit of me died that night I think & I don't know whether XXXX took it with him to his resting place, or she took it from me?

[wishfulthinking]

Sadeyes, I'll try to hide it in the future, what's bad is this past Friday I had that nasty stomach bug going around and I NEVER vomit, but boy I was this time (sorry,TMI).  He didn't raise a finger but his S10 took care of me!  I was completely befuddled.  My BPDh has blown out his knee and is nursing it back to health, but still on Friday I was expected to help him get dressed and help with his extra stuff because he has so much to do.  Saturday I wasn't feeling great, but I ran errands with him that morning.  I forgot to remind him (because he obviously is too self-involved to remember himself) to go by our local Habitat for Humanity store to look for a refrigerator and he got mad at me.  First of all, he could have remembered, it's not only up to me, second... . we don't have the money for a new refrigerator because he blew through our savings and I'm allready 488 short on bills that are due in the next 2 days... . WTH?

[wishfulthinking]

Moonie,

That is so sad.  I'm sorry for the loss of your best friend. I don't know what I would do without mine.  My heart would be so broken, like I was missing half of myself.  I'd say that missing part of you is a little of both.  She took your faith in humanity, he took your loving soul.  I'm so sorry.

[sadeyes]

Sadeyes, I'll try to hide it in the future, what's bad is this past Friday I had that nasty stomach bug going around and I NEVER vomit, but boy I was this time (sorry,TMI).  He didn't raise a finger but his S10 took care of me!  I was completely befuddled.  My BPDh has blown out his knee and is nursing it back to health, but still on Friday I was expected to help him get dressed and help with his extra stuff because he has so much to do.  Saturday I wasn't feeling great, but I ran errands with him that morning.  I forgot to remind him (because he obviously is too self-involved to remember himself) to go by our local Habitat for Humanity store to look for a refrigerator and he got mad at me.  First of all, he could have remembered, it's not only up to me, second... . we don't have the money for a new refrigerator because he blew through our savings and I'm allready 488 short on bills that are due in the next 2 days... . WTH?

Ahhh the reminding him thing. I just gained some insight into that the other day after years.

Once he asks me to help/remind him of something it then becomes my problem (in his head) if I don't get it done. It is his way of shifting responsibility to me. I am looking for how to not accept the responsibility, but only learned his thinking on this in the last couple of weeks.

For example... .

On phone during day... .

Him: We need to clean the fish tank tonight. Will you help me?

Me: sure

Evening comes and fish tank never comes up and didn't get done. He never says another word about it. Next day he is angry at me because fish tank not clean.

Or, he says to me: Can,we do x in the morning? (his activity that I need to go along for) He then expects me to set alarm, feed everyone, get him dressed, have his supplies ready & facilitate the going, or he is angry because 'I wouldn't get up for his activity'

I don't know about yours, but mine takes responsibility for NOTHING! If I cook dinner and he eats off a of a plate, the dirty dish is MY responsibility in his mind.

[waverider]

Him: We need to clean the fish tank tonight. Will you help me?

Me: sure

Him: We need to clean the fish tank tonight. Will you help me?

Me: Sure just ask me again tonight when you are ready to do it

Dont leave things with it being your responsibility to remember, I get this and I always forget.

[wishfulthinking]

Very nice Waverider. I like that reply.

Sadeyes, mine always talks about how busy he is as a business owner and how he has all this running and work to do stuff.  I get that he is busy during the day, but I have a job, too... . I am busy, just a different type of work.  I am busy 8 hours on the phone/computer multitasking.  He is busy running places for 8 hours... . seriously?  I get that it's stressful making sure everything is done, but I'm not your keeper.  If you can't handle the business... . find something else.  Who did it before I came along?

There is a "list" of stuff to look at daily.  Half the items are stuff that take money.  Ummm... . don't have that... . he spent it.  Then gets mad at me when it's not done.  wth?

[wishfulthinking]

List example:

To Do By Friday:

* Habitat for Humanity Store

    Look for refrigerator

* Newspaper ad

     exchange construction work for trade items/ bartering

* T-shirts

     order t-shirts for crew members

* Benches

     Pick up benches

* XXXX's Six Flags trip

     $20 for church group trip


The refrigerator is not cooling efficiently in the freezer department.  Thing is, before he came along I did all my own repairs as a single mom/homeowner.  I've fixed the refrigerator before when it needed a defrost element.  I could fix this, too, but he won't let me.  Every time I go to touch it, he gets mad.  I messed with it and improved it's function one day while he was gone and even though it helped and he admitted it, he was still mad.  The toilet is leaking and he won't let me fix it, says he'll take care of it... . but it's been 3 months now... .

[waverider]

List example:

To Do By Friday:

* Habitat for Humanity Store

    Look for refrigerator

* Newspaper ad

     exchange construction work for trade items/ bartering

* T-shirts

     order t-shirts for crew members

* Benches

     Pick up benches

* XXXX's Six Flags trip

     $20 for church group trip


The refrigerator is not cooling efficiently in the freezer department.  Thing is, before he came along I did all my own repairs as a single mom/homeowner.  I've fixed the refrigerator before when it needed a defrost element.  I could fix this, too, but he won't let me.  Every time I go to touch it, he gets mad.  I messed with it and improved it's function one day while he was gone and even though it helped and he admitted it, he was still mad.  The toilet is leaking and he won't let me fix it, says he'll take care of it... . but it's been 3 months now... .

Probably feels invalidated if you do things that he feels he should be capable of, even though he cant fit the time in. If he is not capable of it then you should be able to either.

[wishfulthinking]

It is technically supposed to be a list for BOTH of us, but if he forgets something it's because he runs a business and is busy. If I forget, I'm a horrible worthless human being who doesn't live him and is selfish.

[SadWifeofBPD]

It is technically supposed to be a list for BOTH of us, but if he forgets something it's because he runs a business and is busy. If I forget, I'm a horrible worthless human being who doesn't live him and is selfish.

I understand that.  I hear the same thing if I forget something.  Now, I rarely ever say that I've forgotten something . 

Anyway, on the list, on a daily basis, I would jot a note... . not forgotten, waiting for money to pay, still need funds, will do this as soon as $XX is given to me to pay for it, etc.   

pwBPD seem to need those daily statements that you haven't "forgotten" something, but it's impossible to do under the present circumstances.

Also, I hope you keep a written record - for him to see - of how much he gives you and then how much he takes back.  (keep a computer record as well in case he rips up the paper one).

   PwBPD have such bad memories when it comes to money, that they truly forget how much they spend, how much they give you, and how often they "take money back".  They need to see in Black and White on a frequent basis to keep them from being delusional in this area.

Going to a debit card (rather than cash) has been an eye-opener for H.  He thought that he didn't spend much money.  By seeing the "line by line" expenditures from a debit card, he has to face reality about how much he spends... . and he spends a LOT. 

[wishfulthinking]

He threw the debit card back at me last night and I didn't jump to give it back.  I'm done sharing my account.  He said we will each have our own and that's more than fine with me.  At least I know I'll be able to eat that way.  As it is, we had spaghetti noodles with tomato sauce for dinner because I had no money for food and haven't for 2 weeks.  I've bought NOTHING.  He expects me to magically come up with meat for meals, but with no money... . ummmm... . out of luck buddy... . and I'm holding strong on that.  I won't use the credit card.  I'm not much of a meat eater anyway and am happy on pasta, so is my daughter.

I'll do that on the bill money he gives me, or better yet, I'll tell him I paid this and this with it and don't have it to give back... . ?  He seems to think that him and his 2 kids don't add much to my bills I was paying anyway, but my electric is 100 higher per month because he wants it so cold in there and my sewer and water have each doubled.  3 people are more than the 2 that were there before... . I don't understand how he doesn't get it.  Plus food... . and his kids eat A LOT.  They are both borderline obese and eat and eat and eat.  My daughter and I are thin and neither of us get snacks anymore because if they are in the house the whole box is gone in a day just from those 2.  GRRRRR... . sorry for the ranting.

[SadWifeofBPD]

He threw the debit card back at me last night and I didn't jump to give it back.  I'm done sharing my account.  He said we will each have our own and that's more than fine with me.  At least I know I'll be able to eat that way.  As it is, we had spaghetti noodles with tomato sauce for dinner because I had no money for food and haven't for 2 weeks.  I've bought NOTHING.  He expects me to magically come up with meat for meals, but with no money... . ummmm... . out of luck buddy... . and I'm holding strong on that.  I won't use the credit card.  I'm not much of a meat eater anyway and am happy on pasta, so is my daughter.

Good!  Just make sure that he gives you money for "his share" of household expenses as soon as he gets paid. 

I'll do that on the bill money he gives me, or better yet, I'll tell him I paid this and this with it and don't have it to give back... . ? 

Absolutely!  Tell him the money is spent on X, Y, Z.  [/quote]
He seems to think that him and his 2 kids don't add much to my bills I was paying anyway, but my electric is 100 higher per month because he wants it so cold in there and my sewer and water have each doubled.  3 people are more than the 2 that were there before... . I don't understand how he doesn't get it. [/quote]
I would only buy the basics... . foods that can't be mowed quickly.  And, I would discuss the electric bill cost... . AC costs a lot. 

Plus food... . and his kids eat A LOT.  They are both borderline obese and eat and eat and eat.  My daughter and I are thin and neither of us get snacks anymore because if they are in the house the whole box is gone in a day just from those 2.  GRRRRR... . sorry for the ranting.

Let him buy those with his extra money.  Let him really see how much those things cost.   I wouldn't buy any beer, etc, unless he gives extra money for those.  Let his kids complain to him that they want more of those things.

[wishfulthinking]

Lol, his 10 year old son even sees what's going on. Tells his dad to help more, etc... . Love that kid. That'll be hard to lose. We are tight. He snuggles me on the couch before his own dad.

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you so much for your advice. I hate taking the hard line because of how he gets but I guess it's either that or leave, which is under major consideration.

[Cipher13]

My sister, a T, tells me that pwBPD and similar get scared when those closest to them (especially their "caretakers" ) get sick or hurt because they're scared that they're losing their caretakers.  In their minds the effort is supposed to go:

Nons >> > giving to >> >> pwBPD receivers

So, when a non gets sick/hurt, and the "tables are turned", that worries them.

Holy cow i just thought it was odd when it came up.  Last week I had a bad head ache/migrain so bad it caused me to be sick and I had to throw up.     sorry.   Anyway the next day she told me that she gets so scared when I tell her I am sick and not feeling well. And when I got sick she was really scared.  I thought maybe she just ment she felt bad that I wasn't feeling well.  Geeze what else am i going ot find out.

[SadWifeofBPD]

My sister, a T, tells me that pwBPD and similar get scared when those closest to them (especially their "caretakers" ) get sick or hurt because they're scared that they're losing their caretakers.  In their minds the effort is supposed to go:

Nons >> > giving to >> >> pwBPD receivers

So, when a non gets sick/hurt, and the "tables are turned", that worries them.

Holy cow i just thought it was odd when it came up.  Last week I had a bad head ache/migrain so bad it caused me to be sick and I had to throw up.     sorry.   Anyway the next day she told me that she gets so scared when I tell her I am sick and not feeling well. And when I got sick she was really scared.  I thought maybe she just ment she felt bad that I wasn't feeling well.  Geeze what else am i going ot find out.

Remember... . they're like very small children in that regard... .

When my (non) son was very little, he said to me.  Mommy, if one of us had to die, I hope it would be me because if you died, who would take care of us?   It broke my heart to see this sweet little boy say this... . but that's how small children think... . who's going to take care of us?