going in circles

[mitchell16]

yes, Im still struggling. I wonder if it ever gets better. I find my self still longing for her and she stays on my mind 24/7 its been about 3 weeks since I saw her or talked to her. It will be 8 days since I got a text from her and then it was a work related text. Im sure it was a fishing expedition since she could have asked queston from any number of people. but she sent it to me. Im stuck between knowing I have to walk away from all this, Ive been through this routine way to many times to wanting her back. BUt the question I ask myself why do I want her back. When I really think about all the good times were tainted by something bad before or right after. The good times were really good but the bad was so bad I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. I make list all the time to remind myself of all the  horrible thing she said to me and all the crazy arguement that never made sense and I wonder why we was even having them. So why do I want this person still so bad. The last night we were togther she raged at me so bad, with such anger in her voice and itense venom It was truly horrible. Im not a easly intimated person, and I can go with the best of them but I have never seen someone that I loved or that claimed to love talk that way.

It started with her acting very suspcious, changing passwords, on all her communications equipment email, ccomputer, cellphone. This all happened in matter of a week. I wouldnt have even known she done it but she told me she did. The email was becasue she claimed to have been hacked. I didnt say much about it or think much about it. then a few days later we are riding in the car and she gets a call from a blocked number and wont answer it, say she is late on a bill and its a bill colllector. Could be she is always late didnt think much about that either. then she changed code on her phone. I then started getting very suspccious. as soon I asked her to explain she blows up, and tells me she cant stand being accused of stuff. I wouldnt accussing just looking for a reasonable explaination. She then says we should just break up, or start seeeing each other part time becasue it wasnt working out. Now she had just told everyone about 3 weeks ealier we was getting married. told her family and that little bit set her off. of course why I was suspcious was this was the same behavior she showed two years ealier when she did the same things when her ex was contacting her and she was planning on seeing him behind my and back and did. so this behavior has some history. later that night she gets drunk and starts telling me I dont love her like i used to and tells me how she cant have sex with me anymore unless she drunk because I cheated on her. I reminded her that we had been broke up when I went out the other girl and it was a break up that she wanted and told me to go find someone else. I also told her that i tried for 3 weeks to get her to talk to me and put our relatinship back togther and she refused to talk with me about it told me she was "done". So i tried to move on, It was a unhealth way of doing it but i so hurt and crushed over that break up I was just didnt know what else to do. But I didnt cheat on her. She said if you was still in love with me and you went out with someone else and was with them then I cheated. That dont even make a bit of sense to me. So I wonder for the life of me why I still long to her for  her, why Im so sad without her. I cant figure it out and its driving me crazy. I know she has BPD My therapist who met her twice thinks she is BPD, I think she knows she has BPD and everything I know about BPD I still long for this person, its insanity on my part.

[papawapa]

Fear of abandonment. Most all of us have it.

[ucmeicu2]

yes, Im still struggling. I wonder if it ever gets better. I find my self still longing for her and she stays on my mind 24/7  <cut>  So I wonder for the life of me why I still long to her for  her, why Im so sad without her. I cant figure it out and its driving me crazy. <cut> I still long for this person, its insanity on my part.

mitchell you are not alone.  i am now 6 months NC ~ although it's not been easy b/c my xBPDgf does not have my phone number, i changed it 3 times to avoid her, anyways she keeps calling my friend, who will not take or return her calls). so yes, i still struggle. 

i do remember back to 3 wks NC and i have come a long way and i'm sure you will to.  stay here, read a LOT, talk and ask questions. 

but i totally get what you're saying about not being able to shake her, thinking about her all the time, wanting her back, etc... .   it still something i deal with.  i have had other breakups ~ i am 50+ yrs old for crying out loud (!) ~ but THIS, but HER, so different than anyTHING or anyONE i've ever encountered.  ever. 

these BPD people man they should have to wear a sign on their forehead or something, to warn the suspecting people!  it, seriously, it's breaking my heart to read person after person after person here, story after story... .   the hearts they break, the lives they [almost] ruin, the path of destruction they leave... . it's inconceivable.

icu2

[Scout99]

My guess is she is dysregulating badly because the issue of marriage has come up... . And that sets off the fear of engulfment and abandonment at the same time creating a lot of conflicting emotions in her. And conflicting emotions, just like you yourself is experiencing right now is frustrating and unbearable to sustain for all of us... . But even worse for a pw borderline disorder... .

The closer they get to creating stability in a relationship the more fear of pain they experience. This since at the core of their belief system no relationship is ever stable and their experience from childhood is that they eventually always get abandoned... . Getting married just gets them closer to the inevitable end... . And that sets the whole dysregulation off... .

The lashing out and using irrelevant things to accuse you of, is a way to project and deflect the pain. And also a way of testing and attempting to make the self fulfilling prophecy of things ending true if you will... . Also a way to relieve themselves of the anticipated fear... . Anticipated fear is often way more anxiety creating than actually experiencing the thing they fear... . Just like going to the dentist... . The fear of what it will be like is way higher while sitting in the waiting room, than actually having your tooth drilled... .

I am sorry for the way you are feeling right now since that too is about conflicting emotions... . On one hand you love her, or at least the way she is when she is feeling ok. At the same time you suffer from her dysregulations. And they make you want to bail out... . That is a frustrating place to be in! Usually the way out is to try to put your feelings aside for a bit and try to look at the relationship more from a mindful perspective... . She is a woman suffering from a severe mental disorder that affects her personality, so there really is no way you can separate her from her disorder... . It is part of her personality. And the only way we can make a relationship work with a mentally disordered person is if we are willing to accept them just the way they are, with all the problems that comes with the disorder. And are willing as partners to adjust to that fact, which in turns also means being willing to make sacrifices ourselves that we would not have to do within the realm of a more "normal" relationship... .

That is a hard choice to make. And the only way that is possible is to really learn and understand what the disorder is about, and what it will take of us, in regards of learning specific communication tools, creating working boundaries and also deciding if the sacrifices necessary are things that we are willing to make... .

That takes a lot of thinking... . And in order to do so it is important to try to prevent too much involvement of our feelings while working that out for ourselves... .

These people often touch us deeply, since we can sense their vulnerability and we also experience their intense mirroring and idealization. They love initially in a ferocious way, that feels in a way more real that much we have experienced before. But that initial passion, just like everything else in their lives, can not be sustained, since they do have un unstable sense of self, and as a result of that constantly fluctuating emotions... .

So choosing to live your life with a pw borderline means you have to look past that initial passion and decide whether you can learn to love all the other parts of her too... . Including times of rage, perhaps cheating and constant break up attempts caused by her forever present and very real fear or terror of abandonment... .

It is a tough choice! And a very personal one too!

Best Wishes

Scout99