I thought I was past it all... hurting again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have thought about what I would say to her if she somehow did get in and I was there... . Having her show up on my turf is what I am most worried about.

Octoberfest you are giving this possibility a lot of power my friend. I understand, however, this meeting may never happen. Point being you are giving this scenario life by playing it out over and over in your thoughts. You are triggered being back in the same place you were in when things hurt so much, wasn't it easier to be away? You hadn't dealt with that pain at the time so that emotion waited for you, as they always do, just under the surface until you deal with/experience them. Give yourself some time, this will pass.

You are grieving. What you are going through is normal. For me, allowing myself to grieve as a single person was best. Involving someone else who is unsuspecting of emotional ties to someone from our past can backfire adding more pain and confusion.  

It may be more helpful to you to practice a calmer/wisemind approach if you do run into her. A better question to ask yourself than what you will say to her would be how will I react emotionally, how will I cope with heightened emotion at that time? (if it happens) See yourself (and practice this) taking deep breaths, centering yourself (using mindfulness as laelle suggests is a great idea), walk away if this happens at a party to gather yourself and then you will be able to handle it better. You can think more clearly if you are able to calm those run away emotions.  

I think you are right, and I thought about this earlier today... .

My fraternity is doing a back to school block party type thing this coming friday. we are having a band come in from seattle to play a show.  We did this last year and it was a blast, it was the 3rd day I had known my BPDex and we had a lot of fun there together.  I have been most anxious about her coming to this event... .   We are sponsored by a local bar here.  The bar that she works at... . They will not be there selling drinks or anything, but I am still nervous about her showing up for some BS reason.  I talked to the guy who is in charge of the whole thing today and told him my concerns and he said there should be no reason for her to be there in a role for the bar.  Additionally, she is not a current student at the school we go to (the concert is for students only) and won't be let in, for that reason and doubly because it is my house also and I will not permit her to come in. 

All logic says that she won't show up, especially because it is on a Friday night, when she is busiest at the bar.  I just wanted to make sure I had all bases covered though.  I DO think I am probably working myself up for nothing.  I DO think I am making it all worse than it is by worrying so much about it and thinking so much about it.  It is all a part of the process.

And you guys are right about the DBT... . It isn't something that you do and just check off and never use again.  It is fundamentally changing how someone thinks and responds to life... . that isn't something that can happen quickly or overnight.

Thank you all as always Family.  You guys are awesome and I am so glad to be a part of this site!

[Octoberfest]

I have thought about what I would say to her if she somehow did get in and I was there... . Having her show up on my turf is what I am most worried about.

Octoberfest you are giving this possibility a lot of power my friend. I understand, however, this meeting may never happen. Point being you are giving this scenario life by playing it out over and over in your thoughts. You are triggered being back in the same place you were in when things hurt so much, wasn't it easier to be away? You hadn't dealt with that pain at the time so that emotion waited for you, as they always do, just under the surface until you deal with/experience them. Give yourself some time, this will pass.

You are grieving. What you are going through is normal. For me, allowing myself to grieve as a single person was best. Involving someone else who is unsuspecting of emotional ties to someone from our past can backfire adding more pain and confusion.  

It may be more helpful to you to practice a calmer/wisemind approach if you do run into her. A better question to ask yourself than what you will say to her would be how will I react emotionally, how will I cope with heightened emotion at that time? (if it happens) See yourself (and practice this) taking deep breaths, centering yourself (using mindfulness as laelle suggests is a great idea), walk away if this happens at a party to gather yourself and then you will be able to handle it better. You can think more clearly if you are able to calm those run away emotions.  

I think you are right, and I thought about this earlier today... .

My fraternity is doing a back to school block party type thing this coming friday. we are having a band come in from seattle to play a show.  We did this last year and it was a blast, it was the 3rd day I had known my BPDex and we had a lot of fun there together.  I have been most anxious about her coming to this event... .   We are sponsored by a local bar here.  The bar that she works at... . They will not be there selling drinks or anything, but I am still nervous about her showing up for some BS reason.  I talked to the guy who is in charge of the whole thing today and told him my concerns and he said there should be no reason for her to be there in a role for the bar.  Additionally, she is not a current student at the school we go to (the concert is for students only) and won't be let in, for that reason and doubly because it is my house also and I will not permit her to come in. 

All logic says that she won't show up, especially because it is on a Friday night, when she is busiest at the bar.  I just wanted to make sure I had all bases covered though.  I DO think I am probably working myself up for nothing.  I DO think I am making it all worse than it is by worrying so much about it and thinking so much about it.  It is all a part of the process.

And you guys are right about the DBT... . It isn't something that you do and just check off and never use again.  It is fundamentally changing how someone thinks and responds to life... . that isn't something that can happen quickly or overnight.

Thank you all as always Family.  You guys are awesome and I am so glad to be a part of this site!

[goldylamont]

All logic says that she won't show up, especially because it is on a Friday night, when she is busiest at the bar.  I just wanted to make sure I had all bases covered though.  I DO think I am probably working myself up for nothing.  I DO think I am making it all worse than it is by worrying so much about it and thinking so much about it.  It is all a part of the process.

Don't sweat it Octoberfest, I've felt the same things, the need to not have this person around but wondering if she could show up at any moment. I did a lot of "working myself up for nothing" when my ex started parking her car in front of my house after 8 months NC and she mysteriously moved a few houses down. It was weird and freaky and I'll admit she got her way with this one b/c I didn't like it one bit. And for me it just took some time--I needed to check in with friends I hadn't spoken to in a while to see if she had infected them with her lies. Kind of had to wait things out to see if she would continue to be a pest. And after having some time to process all of this, now I'm just like, park in front of the friggin' house you weirdo! It makes me none--but as I mentioned in another post, it's because now I feel a lot safer. Safer that she's "contained" and most important safer about my reaction to any isht she may randomly throw my way.

such good advice from suzn:

It may be more helpful to you to practice a calmer/wisemind approach if you do run into her. A better question to ask yourself than what you will say to her would be how will I react emotionally, how will I cope with heightened emotion at that time?

something I'm working the kinks out of now.

And hey, your frat brothers should be there for you, and if you can (calmly, thoughtfully?) explain to them that she's not welcome then, ya, bar her from even coming to the event. This is *your* party and *your* frat so it's good that you're setting boundaries and preparing to not let her interfere. I'm finding that some of my worries were overblown too--but some weren't, and you can't be too safe (which is why I'm having my landlord change my locks, even though I highly doubt she'd do anything it makes me feel safer). Take care, and have a blast at the party Ofest

[ucmeicu2]

Something I have done in the past is gone and written down a list of all of the trouble she has in her life and all of the unhappy things, as well as all of the times I had to stop her from cutting or snorting things to get high.  To help remind me and keep me grounded, that her life isn't amazing and that she has problems on a daily basis... . I think I have forgotten what I went through every day with her... . Each day was about making her feel better, tackling the issues in her life.  I think I need to go and reread that list... .

hey octoberfest, just wondering if you went and re-read the list and did it help you?  i hope so.  and i want you to know that reading what you wrote helped me b/c i was living the same h11 that you describe with my own xBPDgf.  when i get in that mode of wallowing in my self-pity and missing her so badly, i tend to forget how important it is to balance out the good memories    with the bad   .  she was one hot mess. 

icu2

[empower-me]

I just had to chime in here as well and say "thank you" Octoberfest for posting this thread and receiving such amazing feedback!

I have truly benefitted from your honesty and openness with your present struggle and also benefitted from the awesome suggestions you've been given.

Especially about giving yourself the needed time and knowing this is all part of the grieving process and staying in the 'here and now' and really taking that control back that we lost when we were with them.

I often tell others that when they are still in such a chaotic state and they are out of the r/s...   It's like, we were miserable with them and now we are still allowing them to keep us miserable now. Or still have that control over us and we left them!~  I left mine 7 months ago and he's still renting space in my head daily.

But as was brought out, WE GOT THE POWAH>>""  and I do mean "Power" to keep this in check and taking that time to do the personal work and prepare yourself for how you would handle a sudden run in with her is a great piece of advice.

This too shall pass.  Thank you for being human and reminding us that even Ambassadors have lows and need major support from time to time and it really is all about paying it forward. Thank you for all your support that you provide to the board.   

[delusionalxox]

Octoberfest you've been an inspiration to me since my own nasty, abusive, narcissistic uBPDex dumped me at the worst possible time.

I don't dread running into him at all... . he lives the other side of Europe. I just hate how he still gets to me, how I still go over what I did wrong, if all the things he said to me about being old and ugly and crazy and 'never doing better than him' were true. the aloneness I feel which does not seem to pass; crying over him suddenly when I thought things were getting better.

From what I read and hear this is par for the course. We will feel up and then down all over the place. We were abused, in my case for years. What little self esteem I had was battered to pieces; I was even battered just for having low self esteem, for being anxious and depressed, told I was a negative person etc etc etc. Worse, I believed it.

It will take a while to heal. I try to channel compassion for my self and others. I don't want to be broken by this and one day I will not be.

xxx

[Aussie0zborn]

And I think if your ex made a full recovery, something similar to this would happen--she would give you a *sincere* apology for her behaviors and ask for your forgiveness. She would contact your friends, admit to all of her lies and ask them for forgiveness. She would contact all of the other men (and women, don't sleep they hurt their girlfriends too), tell them about her illness and ask forgiveness, and MEAN it from the bottom of her heart. And you wouldn't even need to get back together with this person because of such a true and heartfelt confession would warm your heart and make is easier to let go. HAH! But, see, that's not happening.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

[Octoberfest]

hey octoberfest, just wondering if you went and re-read the list and did it help you?  i hope so.  and i want you to know that reading what you wrote helped me b/c i was living the same h*11 that you describe with my own xBPDgf.  when i get in that mode of wallowing in my self-pity and missing her so badly, i tend to forget how important it is to balance out the good memories    with the bad   .  she was one hot mess. 

icu2

Hey icu2,

When I read your post I was thinking "what list... . ?".  So no, evidently I did not haha.  But i did after figuring out what you meant.  I even added to it.  Depending what you consider to be related events that can be grouped together (I boiled about 5 points on specific instances of cheating that stood out to one general "cheating" point), the negatives list stands at 18 items.  The positive list is a grand 3 items long, one of which is "we had an active sex life".  I am trying to remember more and more that honestly, our relationship was not good and there wasn't even really a time where it was super good.  I stayed for as long as I did because she was able to fulfill a need for me, even if it came packaged with a world of hurt.

I just had to chime in here as well and say "thank you" Octoberfest for posting this thread and receiving such amazing feedback!

I have truly benefitted from your honesty and openness with your present struggle and also benefitted from the awesome suggestions you've been given.

Thank you for being human and reminding us that even Ambassadors have lows and need major support from time to time and it really is all about paying it forward. Thank you for all your support that you provide to the board.   

It is all about helping each other  . What makes this community so great is that EVERYONE has experience with BPD.  We all know what it is like and the unique hurt that it causes.  We can truly understand and sympathize with each other because we have all been there.

[Octoberfest]

Well a few kind of interesting things happened today. I was at the big festival type things where different organizations set up booths for the new incoming students today.  As I was just about to get to it (I walked) a truck rolled out of the parking lot and took a right and drove off.  The windows were down and in the backseat was my BPDex's supposed, maybe fiance. I was walking with a buddy and I noticed that he did a pretty obvious double take when he realized who I was haha.  The one plus is that I really am not intimidated by this guy at all.  I am not playing the "he is better looking or this or that" game.  I also talked to one of my best friends girlfriends who is in one of the sororities there.  She was privy to all that went on because the girl that my BPDex was cheating on me with part of last year is one of her sorority sisters.  My BPDex was feeding this girl the same things she was me, that we were broken up, that we didn't hang or anything, etc.  In talking to my buddies girlfriend she said something like "Oh she is dating a guy named <insert a different name than her supposed fiance> right?" I was kinda dumbstruck for a second and then it clicked.  Back when  I talked to my BPDex in July she told me about this new friend she had made who was a bouncer at the bar she worked at.  How he had a girlfriend in Idaho and that my BPDex and him did everything together, etc.  People said they were like a married couple except they didn't have sex  .  The supposed fiance was living on his ranch about 45 minutes away from town all summer and was only in town on the weekends... . so she could have very well been double dipping yet again. 

It just all makes me laugh... . I think about it all and it just seems like such a crazy circus.  There is no doubt in ANYONES minds that I talked to that she is bonkers and has some serious issues.  It is part of the reason that my BPDex was on her third college for her third year of school... . She casts FAR too big of a net and then she can't hold it together.  People see her for what she really is because she gets involved with so many people and inevitably people talk and the word gets out.

Hearing that the girl my BPDex was cheating with was under the impression that they were exclusive, dating, whatever, really solidifies for me that it is my BPDex who is crazy and manipulative... . as if that wasn't obvious already.  It helps alleviate some of my fears of "what if she runs off with this fiance guy and it is all happily ever after?".  I think as more and more pieces of the puzzle come together and I learn more and more of the real story and see just how greedy and all over the place that my BPDex was when she was dating me, the less I worry about her getting "all better" and riding off into the sunset with the new guy.  There is simply no way for someone who did the things she did with as many people as she did to pull it together and make it work with a guy she is engaged to after knowing him for 3.5 months.  It is going to be a nightmare for this guy.  Worse than mine most likely.  He proposed to her to "show him that he was there for her" as she went to get treatment for a supposed cancer issue as well as some treatment for her BPD.  Meanwhile, she is in a new town that she has not lived in before or been established in before, where she has no family or friends that I know of.  She is in a strange new place and you can bet your life she will be finding someone there to cling onto and cheat with.  That is what happened the FIRST NIGHT she came to my college town last year- that is when we met.  Meanwhile, she was still dating her boyfriend back in her hometown.

It is all enough to make your head spin.  But the doubt that "I am missing out" or "I am the loser here" is dwindling... . I am just hoping that I can find something that can excite me, a new person to sort of revitalize my hope and maybe get me excited about life.

It has been a HELL of a ride. It probably isn't completely over.  But I am still moving.

[Perfidy]

Octoberfest... . The person you fell in love with is an illusion. She isn't real. She is a figment of your imagination. She is someone that seems real but you made her up in your mind and she reflected that back to you. The best thing you can do is get as far from her as possible and stay there. She is no good for you. The anxiety is your body telling you something. Head,heart and soul must be together on this. When they are you will be in acceptance and you will be indifferent. Anything else is insanity. Peace.

[delusionalxox]

God no Octoberfest you are not missing out! I've followed your story from the beginning and this woman is like a total typhoon of lies and chaos. Wasn't the dubious sob story about cancer at one point told to you, to reel you back in? (Oh so familiar to me! the illness/victim narrative... . ) And now she's got someone else for validation and will be looking for others.

I'm really sorry that she and her other poor paramours (feel sorry for them, she'll do the same number on them all) are still around tormenting you. Makes it so much harder to move on. Mine is at least 1000 miles away and god, does it help.

She'll no doubt try to recycle or reel you in at some point. Mine said I was an utter psycho bhit, had ruined his life and would never speak to me again, then yesterday I get an email with a veiled offer to apologise if I get in contact with him again. They don't really give up eh. Just  shield yourself. You know you're worth so much more.

[Octoberfest]

God no Octoberfest you are not missing out! I've followed your story from the beginning and this woman is like a total typhoon of lies and chaos. Wasn't the dubious sob story about cancer at one point told to you, to reel you back in? (Oh so familiar to me! the illness/victim narrative... . ) And now she's got someone else for validation and will be looking for others.

I'm really sorry that she and her other poor paramours (feel sorry for them, she'll do the same number on them all) are still around tormenting you. Makes it so much harder to move on. Mine is at least 1000 miles away and god, does it help.

She'll no doubt try to recycle or reel you in at some point. Mine said I was an utter psycho bhit, had ruined his life and would never speak to me again, then yesterday I get an email with a veiled offer to apologise if I get in contact with him again. They don't really give up eh. Just  shield yourself. You know you're worth so much more.

Thanks delusional.

I pondered the development I heard yesterday more and more as the night went on.  I found myself at the same place as my buddies GF last night so I went up and asked her, "hey, about what you told me today, how do you know that? Did someone tell you that or are you just assuming?"  She told me that her sorority sister, the one my BPDex had been cheating on me and who was good friends with, had told her.  So basically what that means is that it is someone who would know if she WAS dating this bouncer guy.  So it is confirmed basically... . which means she has been/was/whatever cheating on the fiance already.

I also talked to another one of the guys who was at the bar back in July... . without me spelling it out, he told me that "oh yeah man, she told us she was engaged purely to mess with you because she knew we would tell you."  Apparently the next night they went back to the bar or otherwise heard her admit "I said I was engaged because I felt threatened" or something along those lines... . it was all a ruse to get to me, like I thought.

I am just so blown away by it all.  Hearing she was dating the bouncer actually made me happy.  It confirmed that in fact, she wasn't going to "be all better" off with the new guy because she was already doing shady stuff.  It helped relieve some of the fear I had that "maybe it is me" that I have posted here about and that others have posted so extensively here about... .

I am closer and closer to being able to finally let go... . and it is odd.  I still have a hard time believing that someone like my BPDex actually exists... . that there is someone who is capable of doing and saying the things that she does.

[delusionalxox]

She is quite something eh. The energy she is putting in to messing with your head! And no doubt other people's!

Remember, remember, remember: it's  not you!

Don't give her the power over you and attention she so desperately wants. Leave her to muck up someone else's life (as you know she will).

[haliewa1]

When my exBPDgf would explain some of the things that happened to her with past boyfriends, it was always that she couldn't understand why they would leave her at a club and drive away without her, take a five mile hike with her and not say a word the whole time or go on a vacation and when she went into a restaurant to use the bathroom, take the car and drive away to the hotel.  Those are all confirmed incidents.  At the time I thought she was dating some real losers but now I realize that her behavior was what drove these guys to want to just get away!  Fortunately for me I am away from her but there's some guy that thinks she's great right now until he ends up running away as well!  Be grateful you know the truth now and not later which would increase the heartache!

[Octoberfest]

  Be grateful you know the truth now and not later which would increase the heartache!

She is quite something eh. The energy she is putting in to messing with your head! And no doubt other people's!

Remember, remember, remember: it's  not you!

Don't give her the power over you and attention she so desperately wants. Leave her to muck up someone else's life (as you know she will).

Yes indeed... . It is still just heartbreaking that someone lives the way she does.  Even if I had NOTHING to do with her, and I just heard about all of the things she does, I would hurt for it.  I can't imagine living a life like hers.


I am trying to be better 

[delusionalxox]

It's a sign of a good person that you are caring enough, that your heart breaks for her.

I found with my ex that I would have periods of feeling so, so sorry for him. With his latest manipulative (non-) communication that has dissipated. He's a cold operator too as well as a sad little boy. The two can co exist- and with all the chaos of BPD you never know which 'personality' you are getting.

I reckon the pity/compassion is another hook for us 'carer' types.

[aloha1983]

Totally agree the empathy and compassion we have as carer types is what can hook us in.

Oktoberfest I've only read this post and far out! she sounds like quite a sick person. It is sad, but you have the right to be in a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I have been out of my BPD relationship for a year and a half (we dated a year and a half) and I still hurt sometimes. Grieving is such an individual thing.

Can you see the college counsellors or psychologists with regards to this? In particular the anxiety, coping strategies and so on?

[goldylamont]

I also talked to another one of the guys who was at the bar back in July... . without me spelling it out, he told me that "oh yeah man, she told us she was engaged purely to mess with you because she knew we would tell you."  Apparently the next night they went back to the bar or otherwise heard her admit "I said I was engaged because I felt threatened" or something along those lines... . it was all a ruse to get to me, like I thought.

I am just so blown away by it all.  Hearing she was dating the bouncer actually made me happy.  It confirmed that in fact, she wasn't going to "be all better" off with the new guy because she was already doing shady stuff.  It helped relieve some of the fear I had that "maybe it is me" that I have posted here about and that others have posted so extensively here about... .

I am closer and closer to being able to finally let go... . and it is odd.  I still have a hard time believing that someone like my BPDex actually exists... . that there is someone who is capable of doing and saying the things that she does.

Octoberfest, I'm so happy that you are now fully understanding the real circumstances here, and trusting yourself and knowing that you aren't part of the problem here.

I so empathize with your situation--that being that you can confirm through others and circumstance that your exBPD was purposefully manipulating people just to try and twist the knife and hurt you more. We'll never be able to find out everything or all the lies they told, but for me it was *healing* when I figured out how much of a manipulator she was. This is because my *instincts* were telling me she was doing things on purpose just to hurt me, so after finding out this just confirmed she was crazy and not me.

I wanted to point out to some moderators or others that this is why I feel like it's important to note that some pwBPD are fully conscious and purposeful manipulators and revenge seekers. Octoberfest's story is just another one to prove the case. It's not just out of anger or to "get back at" the ex why I feel like we need to be honest about this--it's simply that learning about this aspect of the disorder was actually a relief, was freeing for me, since I was able to confirm my inner feelings about the situation and stop thinking perhaps I was guilty of terrible things; when I'm not.

Octoberfest, now that you have gotten this valuable information I think it will make your healing much faster, so congrats. And if you've been controlling your behaviors so that you don't come across as the crazy one... . well now you can see that at least some of the truth will come out in time, so just keep being the great person you are. Let her crazy butt crash and burn on her own. Try not to be too negative about her to other people, other than maybe one or two close friends, so that you're not seen as a bad or angry soul. Because over time all of this anger will pass any way.