I thought I was past it all... hurting again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been doing very well all things considered; I was in therapy for the past 2 months or so and found it incredibly helpful.  Today, i moved back to my college town which is 2 hours away from my hometown, where I have been all summer and where I was doing therapy.  My college town is where, all last school year, I had my relationship with my BPDex.  She is still here in town and I am terrified of seeing her or running into her.  She works at a bar as a bartender  on the main street in town and the several times that I drove past it today and tonight I felt a sense of dread... . I know that she works fridays and saturdays all night until 3am or so, and I just feel like there this is this evil lurking in that bar... . I am not 21 so I can't go in anyways, but I am so upset about it all of a sudden again it is incredible.  I went out briefly tonight with a friend and he mentioned in passing that he saw on facebook pictures of her with the new guy and pictures of what he thought was an engagement ring.  She pulled some major BS about a month ago, first telling me that she had caught the new guy cheating and broke up with him, and then a week later telling a few people (who she knew would carry it back to me) that she was engaged to him. 

I know all of the facts... . I am NOT missing out by not marrying her.  In fact, I am incredibly lucky.  I deserve much better than someone who is a serial liar and a cheater.  She is 22 years old and has already been married and divorced once, as well as engaged another 2 times I believe on top of that. There is no questioning that she is the one with the messed up past and thinking and whatever else, and it still is killing me. 

I am really hoping that in 5 days or so when everyone gets back to campus and all of the new freshman and other people show up that I will be able to be distracted and meet new people and such.

I was the one who finally blocked her number a month ago after she pulled the stuff with telling my friends she was engaged.  She by all accounts seems to be on to the next one.  I had the first urge in a long time tonight to check her facebook but I haven't... .

I understand that pwBPD moving on quickly and constantly being in a relationship is a coping mechanism for them to deal with all of their shame and pain.  But it sure makes it seem like we were insignificant and unimportant... . Makes one feel like ___... .

I am so tired of having these feelings... . I have worked so hard this summer in therapy and otherwise to live for me and get over it all, and I feel like she is some kind of monster or ghost, always in my mind and following me

[Octoberfest]

I have been doing very well all things considered; I was in therapy for the past 2 months or so and found it incredibly helpful.  Today, i moved back to my college town which is 2 hours away from my hometown, where I have been all summer and where I was doing therapy.  My college town is where, all last school year, I had my relationship with my BPDex.  She is still here in town and I am terrified of seeing her or running into her.  She works at a bar as a bartender  on the main street in town and the several times that I drove past it today and tonight I felt a sense of dread... . I know that she works fridays and saturdays all night until 3am or so, and I just feel like there this is this evil lurking in that bar... . I am not 21 so I can't go in anyways, but I am so upset about it all of a sudden again it is incredible.  I went out briefly tonight with a friend and he mentioned in passing that he saw on facebook pictures of her with the new guy and pictures of what he thought was an engagement ring.  She pulled some major BS about a month ago, first telling me that she had caught the new guy cheating and broke up with him, and then a week later telling a few people (who she knew would carry it back to me) that she was engaged to him. 

I know all of the facts... . I am NOT missing out by not marrying her.  In fact, I am incredibly lucky.  I deserve much better than someone who is a serial liar and a cheater.  She is 22 years old and has already been married and divorced once, as well as engaged another 2 times I believe on top of that. There is no questioning that she is the one with the messed up past and thinking and whatever else, and it still is killing me. 

I am really hoping that in 5 days or so when everyone gets back to campus and all of the new freshman and other people show up that I will be able to be distracted and meet new people and such.

I was the one who finally blocked her number a month ago after she pulled the stuff with telling my friends she was engaged.  She by all accounts seems to be on to the next one.  I had the first urge in a long time tonight to check her facebook but I haven't... .

I understand that pwBPD moving on quickly and constantly being in a relationship is a coping mechanism for them to deal with all of their shame and pain.  But it sure makes it seem like we were insignificant and unimportant... . Makes one feel like ___... .

I am so tired of having these feelings... . I have worked so hard this summer in therapy and otherwise to live for me and get over it all, and I feel like she is some kind of monster or ghost, always in my mind and following me

[Trick1004]

That's a tough situation to be in, the only thing I can recommend is avoid those places where you might run into her.

I do recognize that feeling of dread. A couple of weeks ago I was out at a bar a couple of blocks from my house swith my brother drinking some beers, throwing some darts, and just having a good time. We went out front to smoke and noticed someone walking around the corner, throwing their arms in the air, turn around, and walk off. I have bad vision but just knew it was the ex, my brother looked at me and I just nodded my head.

A couple minutes later it was confirmed, got a text from her wondering how long I was going to be there as she was meeting some friends. It immediately threw me into a very confused anxious state. My mind was just racing and clueless what to do; leave, stay and maybe chat with her, tell her to go away etc... . I ended up doing nothing and after about ten minutes she sent me another text that she was going home.

It put me into a funk for a couple of weeks but it has been getting better since then. It might feel like a set-back but I think it helps the healing process move faster if you can refuse to engage.

So ya, I would say avoid at all costs anything to do with her. If you have a run-in remain calm and depending on how you're feeling remove yourself as soon as possible.

At this point it is all about how you choose to handle possible interactions.

[Octoberfest]

I am tired of giving a ___ about someone who cheated on me and lied to me the entire time we dated.  I have so much to offer someone who can treat me well and like I treat them... . I am seriously praying that once I have the opportunity in a few days to meet new girls that these feelings will go away.  It is a crying shame to be caught up on someone who is not worth even having a second thought about.

[laelle]

Hey Octoberfest,

I am so sorry things are rough for you right now.  I believe that how you are feeling is completely normal.  If I was in the same town with my ex, I believe I would be having to

process again some of those feeling that I thought I had settled. 

Instead of thinking of it as you "giving a hit" about her, think about it as you "respecting your pain, and grieving a loss"  It doesnt matter if the loss was worthy of your grief, because you are worthy of allowing yourself to heal.  To heal, you have to deal with all your emotions, not just the good ones.  (I personally love the angry ones   )

You do have alot to offer someone else, and you dont need her validation of that.  Meeting new people is always great, and a definite boost to our self esteem.

Make sure that you dont forget tho that it is not someone else who should control how you feel about yourself.  It is you who has to do that.  It has been really great for me

to take some time to feel comfortable alone.  I KNOW I do not need anyone else, therefore my future partner will be an beautiful addition to my life, but is not how I will base

how I feel about myself.

You will heal... .   It takes time and alot of self discovery.

 Laelle

[Clearmind]

I have so much to offer someone who can treat me well and like I treat them... .

Use this line as your mantra because you do deserve someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated!

[clairedair]

Hi Octoberfest,

sorry to hear about your setback. 

I understand that pwBPD moving on quickly and constantly being in a relationship is a coping mechanism for them to deal with all of their shame and pain.  But it sure makes it seem like we were insignificant and unimportant... . Makes one feel like ___... .

I just saw my exuBPDh with his new wife for the first time today and, like you, am now experiencing a whirlwind of emotion after a more settled time. 

I wasn't particularly disturbed by seeing her (vague glimpse only) as I don't blame her in any way - it was more the reminder that he could 'replace' me so quickly.  Within 8 weeks of a wonderful night together, he'd 'disappeared' and was dating her.  Married within 6 months.  It triggered my own 'not good enough' feelings.  After all, I couldn't be someone of value if I could be erased so easily after a 30-year relationship.  However, I have a printout of an old post that I keep for just such occasions and found the following helpful "They may appear happy and that might indeed be the case when they are in the puppy love phase of the new relationship but if they have not dealt with their issues, their relationships will continue to fail, the cycle will continue and their deep-seated feelings of self-loathing, pain, fear and despair will continue."

I also re-read an article on recovering from abusive relationships that encourages me not to place myself on a timeline (and certainly not to compare my healing progress with the apparent rapid recovery of my exH).  "Often we are pressurised by society, family and friends to move on or get over the end of our relationship.  Many fail to realise that moving on with life after an abusive relationship has ended takes longer and is a more complex process."  I would add that we often pressurise ourselves to get better as quickly as possible.

I'm really angry that I have hard work and pain ahead of me still.  I feel that it's so unfair after the hard work I've already had to do and the pain I've already experienced.  I am furious that he seems to have got off with this.        I am mad that I am thinking about him and his words and behaviours so much when he was someone who did not treat me well in recent years.  But as laelle pointed out,

It doesnt matter if the loss was worthy of your grief, because you are worthy of allowing yourself to heal.

I may not like it, but if I circumvent a healthy healing process; if I push myself to 'move on' to ease others' anxieties about me, then I could well cause myself even more harm (and I also have to ensure that I don't cause my children more harm).

I'll finish with the last paragraphy of the "breakups are never easy" post :

" In the end, all you can do is fix yourself.  You want to be ready for the next person who comes along - not your ex, but the person that is everything your ex would be and more because they are healthy and whole and can sustain a relationship. The focus has to be brought back to you."

take care

[papawapa]

Hang in there bro. This will get easier for you with time. I was with my ex for twelve years and although we live in a big city and chances are slim that we will run into each other, there are many places I go that trigger memories. I know exactly what it is like to feel that I am doing good and then have it all suddenly fall apart when I end up somewhere that we used to frequent together.

One good example is this house we used to live in. When we were living there she had an affair with the neighbor upstairs. For the longest time it was extremely painful to drive past that house. The crappiest part was that the house was along one of the ways to get to my parents house. For a long time I would take a longer route to avoid the painful emotions it would stir in me every time I would drive by it. Once I faced the pain and started making myself drive right past the house it eventually became easier. It still triggers bad memories when I pass that house, but the emotions are much less intense and I find I can easily tolerate them now.

[Octoberfest]

Thanks for the responses guys... .

I guess I still have the fears that this one will work out for her.

She was in DBT while I was with her... . she went to the individual therapist once a week and group once a week, although she did skip group more than once.  She also filled out her "report card" (where she recorded alcohol use, self harm, disordered eating, drug use, risky sex, etc for the week) the night before her therapy sessions, like it was just more homework instead of something she was supposed to do every day.  She would often make a bunch of it up.  She graduated group 2 months ago or so... .

She "did" therapy, but does that mean she is all better? I just struggle that someone who lied to me BLATANTLY and cheated on me with MULTIPLE different people (not one night stand type things but dating multiple people) could pull it all together and make it work. I know her history and I know she has a long track record of broken unstable relationships... . it has always been her at the receiving end of the abuse, but honestly at this point ANYTHING she has told me is up for grabs for being a lie.  Last year when we dated was her first year at our college... . she was a junior and was on her third school in three years. Earlier this summer when we talked she said she wasn't even coming back to school.  She got awful grades this past year... . I guess it all is triggering fears of mine that I have worked so hard to get over of inadequacy.  I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling not safe in my own town, like I constantly have to be on guard and watching out for her. And I know that it is pretty much all in my head

[laelle]

Octoberfest,

I really get where you are coming from here.  Even if she made a miraculous recovery (not bloody likely), what does that mean for you?

She lied and cheated on you... . her recovery does not change that.  You do not need her failure to validate your right to feel as you do.  You were betrayed!

You were lied to, and cheated on... .  That f'ing stinks all over the place.  

Her failures are not your successes and her successes are not your failures.  You were in an abusive relationship and you have made your way out of it.

You have control of you and how you react to being in the same town.  No one else does.

How will you choose to react?


 Laelle

[cska]

Octoberfest, brother, it broke my heart to see your post. I'm so sorry! Its very weird how we could be doing so well, and then emotions that we thought were dormant come up.

You've seen my post a few days ago, I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden I was so overwhelmed with pain that I just wanted to die. And I'm not exaggerating, I felt like death would be a welcome alternative to feeling so much pain. And then the pain passed, and I find the color returning to the world. I think we've all been there. Its a struggle, and its especially frustrating to feel so down when it seems like you've gotten over it.

You ex is mentally ill, she is running from one person to another in an attempt to find happiness, but she will not find peace. You've given her everything you could, and she used you like a door mat. Do you think it will be different with another person?  Hell no! No one will tolerate her behaviors. If you couldn't, no one else will, because I know that you have a big heart and you gave her everything.

Now, with the social media. I know from personal experience that when these emotions come up, its hard to refrain from checking it. But THERE IS NO TRUTH ON THERE. It might look and sound like truth, but its not. She is not happy. She is hiding behind her profile like a mask.

You deserve respect. You deserve a girl who will be by your side no matter what, who will treat you with respect, who will keep your honor intact.

I don't know if you've seen my posts, but I found a list online about 10 traits of a good girlfriend. I read that list everyday to remind myself of what I want in a girl. And I won't settle until I find a girl like that. And when I do, I'll give her my Love and spend my life with her. I don't want to be with someone who abuses me. And when I start to miss my ex, I tell myself that I should have self respect and that I won't let someone who has abused me cause me pain.

www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_60/74_dating_list.html

I know that certain geographical locations can be triggering. Try to avoid them if you can.

Hang in there brother! I fell too a couple of days ago, I know how bad it feels. But I also know that it gets better, even though at that time I felt like it never would get better. You're strong, I have faith in  you!

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest,

I really get where you are coming from here.  Even if she made a miraculous recovery (not bloody likely), what does that mean for you?

She lied and cheated on you... . her recovery does not change that.  You do not need her failure to validate your right to feel as you do.  You were betrayed!

You were lied to, and cheated on... .  That f'ing stinks all over the place.  



Her failures are not your successes and her successes are not your failures.  You were in an abusive relationship and you have made your way out of it.

You have control of you and how you react to being in the same town.  No one else does.

How will you choose to react?


 Laelle

Except I really feel like she SHOULD fail.  I have a pretty logical mind... . I think in cause and effect... . It kills me that she got to treat me so poorly and then run off scott free. that isn't justice.

[laelle]

She didnt get off Scott free... . you have gotten a taste of what she has had to experience her whole life.

There is no happy ending for her.  She will always have to live with herself... . Should she be accountable?  Sure, but she wont because she doesnt have the emotional maturity to do so because she is Mentally Ill... .   It is an illness, not a life choice.

It is normal to want some kind of justice for what was done to you, I felt the same way.  Now I just try to accept that karma is a bhit and will eventually bite my ex

in the ass.  If it doesnt, then maybe it was karma biting me back in the ass for something that I had done. 

They make no sense and will never make sense.  No matter how many times you put it through the mental blender it will always come out nonsensical.

She is mentally ill... . she does not see the world as we do, and does not live by our rules.


 Laelle

[peas]

She didnt get off Scott free... . you have gotten a taste of what she has had to experience her whole life.

There is no happy ending for her.

I'm hanging onto that notion to help me get on with things. I know it's not a virtuous or civilized thing to think about, but I do wish my ex-uBPDbf receives some payback for how he treated me. Especially when during one of his rages he put out on the street a valuable piece of my property to be taken away. There was no reason for it. 

I really hope that act comes back to haunt him for a long time.   

[Octoberfest]

She didnt get off Scott free... . you have gotten a taste of what she has had to experience her whole life.

There is no happy ending for her.  She will always have to live with herself... . Should she be accountable?  Sure, but she wont because she doesnt have the emotional maturity to do so because she is Mentally Ill... .   It is an illness, not a life choice.

It is normal to want some kind of justice for what was done to you, I felt the same way.  Now I just try to accept that karma is a bhit and will eventually bite my ex

in the ass.  If it doesnt, then maybe it was karma biting me back in the ass for something that I had done. 

They make no sense and will never make sense.  No matter how many times you put it through the mental blender it will always come out nonsensical.

She is mentally ill... . she does not see the world as we do, and does not live by our rules.


 Laelle

Something I have done in the past is gone and written down a list of all of the trouble she has in her life and all of the unhappy things, as well as all of the times I had to stop her from cutting or snorting things to get high.  To help remind me and keep me grounded, that her life isn't amazing and that she has problems on a daily basis... . I think I have forgotten what I went through every day with her... . Each day was about making her feel better, tackling the issues in her life.  I think I need to go and reread that list... .

As sick as it sounds, I almost just want THIS relationship, the one with the new guy, to fail, so I have proof that it isn't me.  I'm not wishing her a lifetime of solitude, or that she never figures it out, but just a little validation that it wasn't me... . Who knows, once real life starts creeping in and the honeymoon period ends with him, maybe they will break up.  I don't think it is wrong to say that she clung to him like a crutch when I went and left after she started cheating with him... .

Do you guys think that he is as much as a comfort and a tool to her as I was once?  Or is he the real deal

[cska]

Octoberfest, there is no such thing as a "real deal" when it comes to pwBPD. Its very very hard for humans to change in general, and it is especially hard for pwBPD to change because they are mentally ill. And until she changes, she will not be able to have a stable relationship. Its not a question of if she will break up, but when. If the other guy has less self respect than you, he will tolerate her longer, but ultimately the relationship is doomed to fail.

Think of us nons: its so hard to change our behaviors... You are sad even though you know that she betrayed you, you know that she is bad for you. This illustrates the point that change is hard for humans. It comes with work. Lots of it. Lots of work, lots of therapy, lots of failing and getting back up. Well change for pwBPD is 100 times harder because they have a serious mental illness to deal with.

If BPD would be so easy to treat there would be no need for sites BPD Family... But its not easily treated, and that is an understatement... (She'll be lucky if she ever gets better.) And until she changes, she will not have stability in relationships. Her relationships will fall apart because they are built on sand. There is no foundation for her relationship and without a strong foundation, everything falls apart. That is 100% guaranteed.

[goldylamont]

As sick as it sounds, I almost just want THIS relationship, the one with the new guy, to fail, so I have proof that it isn't me.

I completely understand. I think if us nons are honest, pretty much all of us want this validation (and revenge) of seeing the next relationship(s) fail. It isn't sick for you to feel this way, it's actually quite normal. Anyone would want this validation. OK, so now that we know it's normal and that everyone of us goes through this, the only question left is how will you react to these normal feelings of wanting validation by seeing her fail in this r/s? How will you navigate these murky waters? There's pain no doubt, no argument there, but how you deal with it will show your true character. And don't think acting like it doesn't affect you at all is somehow dealing with it--we're not sociopaths we have emotions, we nons actually often mean the things that we say to our loved ones so when betrayed it **hurts** because it's supposed to. So, it's not sick to feel this way--don't beat yourself up for feeling what any and everyone feels in this situation. With that out of the way just try to navigate through the emotions with integrity--and it's this reaction and your integrity that you will remember forever. You're badass, you'll be fine I know.

Do you guys think that he is as much as a comfort and a tool to her as I was once?  Or is he the real deal

heeeeeeeeeeells to the NO! No Octoberfest, NO!  Good grief she's getting engaged? This guy is in waaay too deep; much worse off than you. Wow, and if he has money, his wallet is going to be as hurt as his soul pretty soon. Hells no Octoberfest you know your ex's existence is a lie and so is all of her posturing. BPDs love to throw all the fake bs of their new r/s back onto us and social media and contacting your friends are just a couple of tools they use to do so. Trust--it's going to be much worse for him if he signs those papers.

You know, I always say this to myself and I think it's true--whenever I feel like my ex may actually be "getting better" then I try to imagine what this would actually look like. And I think if your ex made a full recovery, something similar to this would happen--she would give you a *sincere* apology for her behaviors and ask for your forgiveness. She would contact your friends, admit to all of her lies and ask them for forgiveness. She would contact all of the other men (and women, don't sleep they hurt their girlfriends too), tell them about her illness and ask forgiveness, and MEAN it from the bottom of her heart. And you wouldn't even need to get back together with this person because of such a true and heartfelt confession would warm your heart and make is easier to let go. HAH! But, see, that's not happening. And as long as my ex acts like all her continued behavior is water under the bridge then I know for sure she's worse off than before. Just my 2 cents 

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest, there is no such thing as a "real deal" when it comes to pwBPD. Its very very hard for humans to change in general, and it is especially hard for pwBPD to change because they are mentally ill. And until she changes, she will not be able to have a stable relationship. Its not a question of if she will break up, but when. If the other guy has less self respect than you, he will tolerate her longer, but ultimately the relationship is doomed to fail.

Think of us nons: its so hard to change our behaviors... You are sad even though you know that she betrayed you, you know that she is bad for you. This illustrates the point that change is hard for humans. It comes with work. Lots of it. Lots of work, lots of therapy, lots of failing and getting back up. Well change for pwBPD is 100 times harder because they have a serious mental illness to deal with.

If BPD would be so easy to treat there would be no need for sites BPD Family... But its not easily treated, and that is an understatement... (She'll be lucky if she ever gets better.) And until she changes, she will not have stability in relationships. Her relationships will fall apart because they are built on sand. There is no foundation for her relationship and without a strong foundation, everything falls apart. That is 100% guaranteed.

This makes sense... . I guess a question that I have, and that I might create a new thread for, is "Are they always "better" or "fixed" after DBT? or can they go through it and still be hopelessly lost.  My BPDex told me after we split at the beginning of the summer that she was in a bad place when we started dating and couldn't pull herself out of it... . like she couldn't stop cheating... .   but now, she is in a much better place.

Also, back in June, 10 days before telling me she got a dog with and was planning on moving in with the new guy, she told me "I love you and want you back"... . God it is so twisted and sad

[papawapa]

You posted about how she was half assing her DBT therapy. Do you think it really helped if she was only going through the motions?

[Trick1004]

October,

You have to let it go. They are stuck in a never ending cycle. You don't have to be.

Do I wonder if my ex found the "right one"? Everyday I think that, I thought I was the right one for her. It took almost four years of me being there for her till she decided nope, I wasn't the right one and she wanted out.

Its painful but there is nothing you can or should do about it. They might seem happy and content for years on end but just know they are putting their partner through hell and it is a never ending cycle for them.

I'm sure my ex is having the time of her life right now doing whatever it is she is doing. It hurts like hell knowing this and dealing with pain of her gone. Maybe she has found the "right one" and they will happily sail off into the sunset together. If so I am happy for her.

I was with mine for four years! and she threw it in the trash without a thought or care about me. Its not a failure on your part and the best you can do is move on and stay out of the world they live in. 

[clairedair]

Hey Octoberfest

Iamdizzy has just started a thread around the topic of 'are they better with new person' that you might find interesting.

I like what cska said about changing behaviour - it's not just an issue for pwBPD.  Most of my current thinking about him centres around seeking an explanation/real apology.  I know that this is fruitless because I've been in similar situations before with him but here I am still looking for it!  I have to stop lying awake ruminating on this and instead push myself to detach and alter my own unhealthy patterns.

How are you feeling today about the possiblity of running into her? 

[clairedair]

meant to add something about your question re: DBT

My ex saw several therapists (not DBT - he's not diagnosed) over the years; he's a qualified counsellor himself; he excels in a job that requires him to have a great deal of empathy with others; he encouraged me to seek out counselling; he's written books

He had times of great insight and times where his counsellor hit the nail on the head.  I thought those 'eureka' moments would result in significant change and that was part of why I hung on.  I don't think he went through the motions.  I think he desperately wanted to stop feeling so hurt and to stop hurting others.  But he can't follow through.  He goes so far and then dives into another job/relationship etc.  And everything seems new and shiny and Ok ... . for a while.

[Octoberfest]

How are you feeling today about the possiblity of running into her? 

Not good.  I am in a fraternity at my college and school starts up in less than a week.  She was over at my fraternity all the time when we were dating because I lived there. I am living outside of it this year in an apartment with two buddies... .   I will still be partying quite a bit over there.  I am just hoping she does not have the balls to try and come over for a party or otherwise.  I spoke to the guy who mans the door during our parties and told him that under no circumstances should he let her in.  I have thought about what I would say to her if she somehow did get in and I was there... .

Me: you need to leave

Her: why? can't you be a bigger person and let the past be the past

Me: you CHOSE to lie to me and cheat on me for the entire 9 months we dated.  You do not deserve my friendship, let alone the privilege of being able to come over to my house.  You made choices and you need to live with the consequences.

I would then walk her to the door and out. 

Having her show up on my turf is what I am most worried about.  Once people start rolling into campus in a few days here, once I have new opportunities with new girls, I think a lot of my worries should fade away.  I told Cska in a PM, I think a lot of my being upset about this here recently has to do with feelings of inadequacy and problems with my self worth... . He asked if I was ready to see other girls or date, and I told him that I NEED to.  I need to prove to myself that I am desirable.  My BPDex is the first person I have ever dated and only the 3rd that I have slept with... . I guess, even with all of the undeniable evidence and all of the strong facts that point to her being the one with the problem (she is diagnosed even), there is still a part of me that doubts myself.

I have been reading the thread that you suggested... . good reading for sure.

Thank you all for your replies and support.  I do appreciate it.  I think it is awesome how for the past 2 weeks or so I have been mainly providing support to other people, and when I have a time of need, those same people are there to pay me back in spades.  What a gift.

[laelle]

It will fail without therapy because her inner script is written for failure... .   She must change the inner script and as already said here, It is very hard to change.

My point is that... . you dont need her failure as validation that you were good to her and that you did your best. YOU KNOW you were.  (She failed you because she is mentally ill)  Nothing anyone ever does will be enough.  I understand your need and want for a little pay back, I feel the same.  It is very unlikely that I will ever get it, and I just have to find a better focus for that anger.

When I get really pissy about it, I self soothe by practicing some mindfulness.  This helps to put me back in the present and stop dwelling in the past.

I know you have heard this many times before but it is true, You cant change the past and you cant see the future... . Live every moment in the moment and you will be a much happier and healthier person.

 Laelle

[peas]

Oktoberfest, if you are not already seeing a therapist, you should consider it. Your first r/s in adulthood was with someone who did such a job on you. I am in my early 40s and I have always had healthy r/s with nice men, until the last one, who turned everything upside down with his uBPD. I'm in therapy for that and for other life stuff.

What I'm saying is don't let this first r/s color your view of romantic relationships in general, or worse, drive you to another pwBPD. Therapy may help with that. There are good people out there who know how to bond in a healthy way.

[Octoberfest]

It will fail without therapy because her inner script is written for failure... .   She must change the inner script and as already said here, It is very hard to change.

My point is that... . you dont need her failure as validation that you were good to her and that you did your best. YOU KNOW you were.  (She failed you because she is mentally ill)  Nothing anyone ever does will be enough.  I understand your need and want for a little pay back, I feel the same.  It is very unlikely that I will ever get it, and I just have to find a better focus for that anger.

When I get really pissy about it, I self soothe by practicing some mindfulness.  This helps to put me back in the present and stop dwelling in the past.

I know you have heard this many times before but it is true, You cant change the past and you cant see the future... . Live every moment in the moment and you will be a much happier and healthier person.

 Laelle

do you have any resources you could share on mindfulness?

Oktoberfest, if you are not already seeing a therapist, you should consider it. Your first r/s in adulthood was with someone who did such a job on you. I am in my early 40s and I have always had healthy r/s with nice men, until the last one, who turned everything upside down with his uBPD. I'm in therapy for that and for other life stuff.

What I'm saying is don't let this first r/s color your view of romantic relationships in general, or worse, drive you to another pwBPD. Therapy may help with that. There are good people out there who know how to bond in a healthy way.

I was seeing a therapist for about 2-2.5 months while I was in my home town... . But I can't continue sessions because I moved back to my college town.  The time I spent with my T was AWESOME and I made A TON of progress.  It was coming back to town that has set me back

[laelle]

Here are the bpdfamily resources on mindfulness.  I cant link outside resources.  I know there is another one here somewhere, and I am looking for it for you.

TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness--how do you do it?

[goldylamont]

Also, back in June, 10 days before telling me she got a dog with and was planning on moving in with the new guy, she told me "I love you and want you back"... . God it is so twisted and sad

Octoberfest she was just using you to feel good about herself, probably a setup so she could inflict more pain on you later if she felt the need, also probably a setup to inflict pain on her new bf if he stepped out of line in her eyes. If only 10 days after she told you this she's all the sudden hitched up with the new bf--think about it, she was probably telling him the same thing right after she got off the phone with you! I'm sure my ex is capable to telling multiple men that she loves and wants to be with them all in the same day, then she'll choose the shiniest one in her mind for the moment, and then punish any others for even being in her presence.

And as for whether the DBT she did changed her for the better--well, how do you feel now? Do you feel safe and happy around her or when you think of her? Do you feel like she's trustworthy and genuine now? Do you feel a powerful sense of strength, peace and integrity from this person all the sudden? If not, then the DBT is just another tool to fool people for her.

The next guy will catch it worse than you if there's any truth in what she's telling you about the dog and moving in.

[ucmeicu2]

You have to let it go. They are stuck in a never ending cycle. You don't have to be.  <cut> I was with mine for four years! and she threw it in the trash without a thought or care about me. Its not a failure on your part and the best you can do is move on and stay out of the world they live in. 

octoberfest, i believe trick, et al, have given good advice.  i'll chime in and say "me too" on the 'let it go' train of thought (i KNOW, easier said than done!)

my xBPDgf idealized me initially, but after we got emotionally close she started wiggin' out and after she initiated physical intimacy with me she just imploded.  she was triggered all to h11 by her fears. 

from beginning of friendship to start of NC was about 4 yrs for me also.  so, whatever, it might look like she's doing great with the new guy (her next 'victim', really) but you probably already know in your heart of hearts that it'll just be lather/rinse/repeat for her no matter who she's with ~ just a matter of time.

and no, DBT doesn't magically cure them ~ DBT is just about learning better coping skills ~ and one can never expect to get more out of something than one puts into it.

icu2

[Suzn]

I have thought about what I would say to her if she somehow did get in and I was there... . Having her show up on my turf is what I am most worried about.

Octoberfest you are giving this possibility a lot of power my friend. I understand, however, this meeting may never happen. Point being you are giving this scenario life by playing it out over and over in your thoughts. You are triggered being back in the same place you were in when things hurt so much, wasn't it easier to be away? You hadn't dealt with that pain at the time so that emotion waited for you, as they always do, just under the surface until you deal with/experience them. Give yourself some time, this will pass.

You are grieving. What you are going through is normal. For me, allowing myself to grieve as a single person was best. Involving someone else who is unsuspecting of emotional ties to someone from our past can backfire adding more pain and confusion.  

It may be more helpful to you to practice a calmer/wisemind approach if you do run into her. A better question to ask yourself than what you will say to her would be how will I react emotionally, how will I cope with heightened emotion at that time? (if it happens) See yourself (and practice this) taking deep breaths, centering yourself (using mindfulness as laelle suggests is a great idea), walk away if this happens at a party to gather yourself and then you will be able to handle it better. You can think more clearly if you are able to calm those run away emotions.  

[ucmeicu2]

Also, back in June, 10 days before telling me she got a dog with and was planning on moving in with the new guy, she told me "I love you and want you back"... . God it is so twisted and sad

If only 10 days after she told you this she's all the sudden hitched up with the new bf--think about it, she was probably telling him the same thing right after she got off the phone with you! I'm sure my ex is capable to telling multiple men that she loves and wants to be with them all in the same day, then she'll choose the shiniest one in her mind for the moment, and then punish any others for even being in her presence.

OMG guys it IS so twisted and sad.  and goldy, i bet you're right abt your ex.  in fact, you reminded me that MY ex did a similar thing.  when she was away at one of her 30 day alcohol detox treatments (NOT successful, btw) one of her ex's ~ the one she always told me was "a psychotic stalker" ~ kept calling so finally i picked up to tell him to bugger off.  ended up having a 2 hr talk with him. what a sweet guy!  come to find out, she also told him that i was a psychotic stalker!  HA!  and, check this:  he revealed many gems including that a few months earlier she had invited him to move from out of state and move in with her.  that was probably the same week she proposed to me. 

twisted and sad, indeed.  so twisted of them and so sad for us.

icu2