Hard to stay and impossible to go

[Dancing1]

I especially am having tough time as I know I will never be able to share this diagnosis with

My husband, and so I have to keep my inquiries and reading hidden.

We also just got some  blood tests that indicate further testing of my spouse as related to sleeping ( seratonin) and lithium levels ( mood swings) that indicate physically what I have been trying to get him to address for years... Thank g-d there are also some other issues that are sending him running to an MD. Maybe , some of the physical will be corrected and it will help the emotional ? Who knows ! But I know the underlying issues will still be there.

The thing is , I should feel happy and relieved at this point with new outlets and info on BPD but it's creating sadness and anger at   what I am dealing with. on one hand it's an aha moment , on the other is WOW how am I going to do this? How did I get involved in this?

How much longer can I hold my Childs hand with his awareness and my unhappiness?

When I thought he was just mean, cruel , nasty and sometimes loving and generous ( although not lately) I had something To fight for and about - this is kind of a bottomless pit of giving with no yield or ability to receive in return ...

And the saddest part is my 10 yr old asked if after daddy sees the dr and he's " better"

We should have a happy family right ? If not then he's not tolerating his dads behaviour anymore ,, this is very tough !

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Hello Dancing1 and welcome to the Staying Board!  I'm sure plenty of others will chime in to help you out shortly.  You are among a lot of people here who understand what you are going through and can help you get back in control over your life.  A great place to start is the Lessons for our Board (there is also a link them on the right hand side of this page). 

I was married for 15 years before I found this site and can relate to your feelings of frustration and despair.  First, there is hope.  Many members here started from the exact same place as you and have dramatically improved their lives.

Second, it helps to think through what we can, and what we cannot control because it makes sense to focus our time and energy working on things we can control.  We can't control what our partners say, do or think.  We can't control whether they want, or get, proper treatment.  Those things are up to them.

On the other hand, we can control what we say, do and think.  We can control how we communicate.  We can control whether we seek help for our predicament.

In short, we try to stay focused on ourselves on this board because its what we can control.

Many members use the support and tools here to supplement work they do with a therapist.  When I started, I worked with a therapist for myself to help me work through some of the fear of confrontation (standing up for yourself) and other issues that I brought to the relationship.  I highly recommend that approach for you to.  Have you ever worked with a personal therapist (as opposed to couples counselling)?

[Dancing1]

Hi briefcase,

Thank you for your warm encouraging words and advice.

Yes I am ,and have worked with a separate therapist, but I was spending all  my time with the outrageous stories and venting and I don't think I was advised properly about who ( my husband ) actually was. I got all the to do,s but no one empathised or explained that this is what someone in his condition does. The words of advice were there minus the understanding of this condition. In the absence of that I couldn't understand why would get that advise to do those things if I was working on a loving marriage that hits some bumps.

I'm not looking to blame, I feel that much valuable time was lost and lots of personalised

Damage occurred and pushed us very far apart.

It's funny that you bring up the " standing up " part - as those were my parting words

To my therapist last week.

I must find a way to stand up for myself when I need to ,different than walking away

Out, or to another room .

I need my voice back bec doing those things was just bottling up my anger and frustration,

I will look at the tools and hopefully my therapist will be able to guide me.

I also just found Tara org that is having a special seminar at the beginning of Nov.

I hope to attend to learn and heal if I can swing it...

Thank you again , I truly appreciate it !

My goal is to be smiling and dancing again soon!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Dancing1, I join Briefcase in extending a warm welcome to the community. I hear you when you say there's this sadness and anger and "how did I end up here?" all mixed up. It pretty much sums up how I felt when I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together. It was a relief, but also very scary.

You say that you're not looking to blame, that you don't want to lose any more valuable time. That's already an important stand. Like Briefcase said, there are lots of information here on the site, lots of things to help you deal with this in your everyday life, learn about the disorder and to take a look at what you might possibly bring to the equation.

I recommend that whenever you have a situation at home that's frustrating or difficult, you post about it here and you'll find that people will advice you, help you apply the tools and lift you up.

[Dancing1]

Thank you so much Scarlett Phoenix. It is helpful knowing I can vent and gain insight

From people that have been down this road , as opposed to well meaning friends that just don't get it and probably think I'm nuts at this point . Especially because my spouse doesn't show any public outward signs of what I share with them.

He just seems , detached , withdrawn, socially challenged and uninterested in anything but his work, including myself and our 10 year old.

Here's to moving forward!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Here's to moving forward!

All right!

[Grey Kitty]

I'd also like to say hello and welcome aboard here. You'll find a great deal of support and some good advice too. Hang in there! You do have the power to make things much better for yourself and your son.

I'd like to say a couple things starting off in response to this:

I especially am having tough time as I know I will never be able to share this diagnosis with

My husband, and so I have to keep my inquiries and reading hidden.

First, not sharing your "diagnosis" with your H sounds like a good choice--Many of us here have tried that sort of thing to our regret. I'd also note that unless you are a mental health professional, you cannot make an actual diagnosis anyhow.

Second, this often is much less of a problem than you think, as it is far more productive to focus on specific behaviors than it is to focus on a diagnosis when you are dealing with your H.

 GK